stepdaughter calls constantly

15 years ago

Hi everyone,

I have a 23 year-old stepdaughter that calls her dad at LEAST 3 times a day. This really bothers me. She calls about nothing in particular. She hasn't lived in this house for years. I'd love to keep the ringer turned off, but my husband doesn't like that. He says that she does call too much, but he won't tell her that. I resent her calling all the time. We can't even finish watching a whole movie together without her calling. It's driving me nuts. She doesn't work, and she says she gets bored. (she's very, very lazy) She can't keep a job.

I want to find a calm, constructive way to handle this because I feel like I'm going to lose my temper soon. This has been going on way too long.

Does anybody have any good advice? Please?

thank you for listening

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Comments (7)

justnotmartha
15 years ago
I think this is something your husband has to address, if he feels it necessary. Why is it you are resentful? Why is it that you are so much more bothered than her dad?

From your limited description of your SD I wonder if she isn't depressed and reaching out to her dad. Perhaps he knows or senses that and, though possibly annoyed with her calls, takes them because the alternative isn't that great?

Maybe constructively helping SD to find a hobby or job that suites her would be a good focus for you all.
gardenandcats
15 years ago
Do you have caller Id on your phone? If so then if its her again just don't pick up if your in the middle of something.
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I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules.
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I'm not so sure, I'd mentally allow rude SD to rattle my chain. I think there is more to the meaning of 'disengage' than physically removing one's self. While I do agree with going off to read your book if you truly are not enjoying the company of the other 'guest'...h*ll would freeze before I'd leave the room if I were indeed enjoying the other guest just because some snot nosed brat snubbed me. A polite civil greeting was your only 'requirement'. From there on if SD choices to be childish, the problem causer isn't me and I have no reason to feel I must leave IF I am enjoying the visit with the other guest. Part of disengaging is one's self coming to the point of abilty to be able of removing this rude brat's power in your head. In otherwords, in how brat's actions/inactions affect you. She intimidated with her snub of her back. She made you feel you MUST justify/explain your action of fleeing to read to your husband. Pfff. For me, a successful true disengagement is to remove the brat outta of head. Unless you really want to leave the room I'd have no problems sitting and enjoying chatting with the one children or the son-in-law (if he were civil and likeable). I'd not care if little miss back to me was there or not. I'd also not feel I had any need to discuss it afterwards with hubby. I'd also not concern myself with what's going on in the kitchen. You've made clear to husband there will be no cooking out of you (stick to that now), no cleaning up ect. So now take (disengage) the issue from your head. He invited them, he cooked for them, he is cleaning up after them (oh, and it's about time he insisted they help, good for him!)...so if hubby wants to send a plate home you can just think of it as less leftovers for hubby's lunch tomorrow. Is it rude of SD? Absolutely. But is it worth taking up space in her head? Nope. Kick the brat and her childish behavior right outta your head. Take the power away from her. She has no power over you, unless you give it to her.
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nivea
15 years ago
Depression was something that jumped out at me too. Wonder if you could talk to Dad to find out more of what she is going through, been through, etc etc.

Do you have any type of a relationship with her? How's her relationship with biomom? Sounds like she really needs someone to talk to.

On another note, I have some friends who call their parents the same amount each day. I actually had a boyfriend (a loooong time ago) who spoke to his mother a minimum of an hour and a half each day. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
junegemstar
15 years ago
I call my mom a lot. Every day, some times multiple times. I still look to her for her opinions or guidance. I'd be lost without my mother. She is one of my best friends. Maybe she's just very close to her dad.

I think it might bother you more than her dad. Is she bad-mouthing you on these calls? What exactly is it that bothers you? She sounds lonely. Do you have a good relationship with her? Talking to her (not about the phone calls, just talking) might help.
lonepiper
15 years ago
Junegmstar, I talk to my mom at least once daily (sometimes more) also - I'm a HUGE momma's girl!!! However, it drives my husband absolutely crazy! My belief is that he's a bit jealous about my good relationship with my mom. Sablecat, are you feeling left out when your husband is on the phone with his daughter? Like he's choosing to talk to/spend time with her instead of spending quality time with you?
junegemstar
15 years ago
Lol Lonepiper, it probably drives my hubby crazy too! But he doesn't have the same type of relationship with either of his parents, so I don't think he fully gets it. But he does understand.
You also bring up a good point lonepiper. I wonder if her DH spends anytime with her like he does his daughter. In that case then yes, I understand what bothers her. If my DH was spending time with his kids and not with me at all, I'd definitely have an issue. But the problem is DH, not the kids.
Pau Simone
3 months ago
Good morning I have the same problem stepdaughter school calls mother every night and about everything important can't make discussion with wife very spoiled.

stepdaughter calls constantly

Comments (7)

justnotmartha

gardenandcats

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