I do not see any reason why your spouse "needs" to be involved in contact. It sounds as if she is insecure.

My dh and my ex dn't really have contact. They have only talked during pick-ups/drop offs. And if I was not going to be home during that then they would call eachother to make sure times were ok with eachother.

With my dh's ex I was a little more involved because I was the one usually home during pick-ups and drop-offs. And her new man was very insecure and wanted her to call me instead of my dh. I found it odd, but whatever. So she would call my cell or her boyfriend would call my dh's cell. My dh and her had little contact except when he would be home during pick-ups or drop-offs or when she was angry about something and she then called him to complain.

As it stands now most day to day things are discussed between the ex and myself, but that's primarily because after 10 years of battle she and I have better communication than she and DH. BUT - on any big decisions or issues I always turn them over to DH.

Honestly, it sounds like your wife is being a bit insecure and covering that up with being in control. I've been there in a way, it's not a happy place. Can you talk to her to see what it is she really feels she needs to be a part of, and why? It's fine and understandable to want to be involved and know scheduling and such, but she does need to recognize that at the end of the day, the choices belong to the parents.

I say all this as a custodial step mom of almost 9 years, so I've been there. Trust me.

Best of luck.

I agree that insecurity is the biggest reason a new spouse feels they 'need' to be involved in communication.

With my husband, he and his ex always communicated without my involvement. The only time I had input is when it affected me. His ex would call him (usually when he's at work) and if she wanted him to keep their daughter on his time, he would tell her he'll let her know, then he'd call me, we'd discuss it and he'd call her back. It wasn't my decision but if we have plans that were going to be affected, I have a right to have input. Of course, this caused his ex to get angry because she wasn't in control of our life. I don't communicate with his ex at all because she refuses and I think it's better for everyone if he handles things with her. (He will usually ask me how to word things since he is sometimes too direct or blunt and some of the way he says things, makes things worse) but decisions that don't impact me are made by them and then he tells me what they decided. If he decides something without my input then I leave it on him. (ie. he decided to let her take their daughter this Saturday for her half-sister's birthday party. His ex is supposed to pick her up and drop her off after. Her past history is that she'll pick her up and then call to say she can't bring her back, leave her at her mom's and we end up driving an hour to SD's grandma's to get her. So, if that happens, he gets to go get her)

I have written emails for him, but again.. it's because he isn't good with words and he will tell me what he wants to convey and I'll write in a way that doesn't provoke his ex. It's not that he's incompetent, but he is pretty blunt and his ex will get mad. Then, it can become a battle of who's right or wrong instead of being about their daughter, which is what it really is about.

I agree that it is a sign of insecurity, and of a desperate woman who feels she has to be in control. My exH's current spouse doesn't try to talk to me by phone or in person, but she frequently writes emails, pretending to be my exH. It is easy to distinguish his writing style from hers, and it is an insult to my intelligence for her to think that she can fool me. I would rather have honest communication from my exH, even if he insults me by calling me "stupid," which he did a couple of times. I know he doesn't really think I am stupid, and that he is just angry about something.

There is absolutely no reason for your current wife to communicate with your ex-wife. It will just make co-parenting your children more difficult for both you and your ex.

As someone mentioned to you previously about the "transparent" thing - that is something that marriage counselor's advise in an attempt to restore trust after infidelity. It doesn't mean that the wife does the communication, just that she can read his emails.

Hi, openskies--
I remember your posts from a few months (?) back, with the same dilemma. I'm guessing the issue has reared its head again, or has just remained unresolved. Did you ever get to talking with your wife after the first series of posts a few months back? What was said and how did it go?

I have to agree with everyone here, sounds like current wife has security issues. I do all I can to avoid my husbands ex. She tries to ask me for visits or priveleges and I just say "I don't make those decisions but I'll let him know you called".
My ex and I talk often about our daughter, like friends talking about each others kids but the kid we're talking about is ours. When my husband and I first came together he did not like this because he did not understand it. Even though he has known us both for 10 years, knows we're not "getting back together" it is just so foreign to him he was resistant and annoyed by it. I think he's a bit jelous because his ex is so nasty but as time has passed he accepts it. I wouldn't say they are best friends but they'll help each other out from time to time if one needs an extra hand. Once we had an extra ticket to a football game and current husband suggested inviting my ex.
Ex's current wife is usually pleasant and cooperative but most communication is done between ex and I.
My XBF (father of my son) likes to have his current GF call or answer his cell to make arrangements. I refuse, childish as it may seem I did not make babies with her and I believe my sons father can answer his own phone and cooperate with me.

It's been my experience the more open communication you can have with an ex is all the better for the child or children involved.
I'd try to get to the bottom of what's bothering you wife. Maybe because your ex wife left you(if I read right) current wife thinks she'll try to get you back?
good luck :)

Hi openskies,

I agree with you that based on what you described, it would create more conflict to have your spouse involved in communication with your ex. So you are right not to support it given the past.

In my case, my wife handled all the communication with her ex-husband and it was the right thing to do for us.
Her ex-husband had trouble remembering some things that he promised, and he would say, "I never said that." I'm not sure if it was his drinking, poor memory, or if he was just lying to get out of things. To include me in the mix would have increased the conflict.

My wife told me what she wanted to about their conversations, but I never pressed her for any details.

I hope that you can get your wife to understand.

Athlete

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, just you, your wife, and your x. If your wife would feel more comfortable being involved in the contact between yourself & your x regarding the children, I don't see why you wouldn't at least try it, in attempt to make your home life as peaceful as possible. If it didn't work, then you could tell your wife that because a feasible method hadn't been possible you will return to your previous arrangements. If, however, you are unwilling to try, your wife is probably hearing that, as your being more interested in pleasing your x, than her. Even if that isn't the case, emotions will get in the way of reality, as it sometimes will. I think that you & your wife should try some counseling, to get some understanding of why your wife wants to do this, how you can attempt to make it work, how to deal if it doesn't go well, or how to work out another arrangement that you can all be comfortable with. Because contact bewteen the x & your wife has been negative in the past, tell your wife that before attempting to try this, she would need to speak with a counselor to discuss why things have been negative, and how to not let that happen again. Look for a therapist who works with blended families. Chances are, the two of you could begin with a therapist, and your wife may decide for herself, that it wasn't such a great idea after all.

Hi openskies,

It seems that understanding the function of her demand to be involved is an important part of knowing what to do in response. A few people have mentioned insecurity on the part of your spouse and control issues were raised as well. These sound like reasonable and common explanations for someone demanding more involvement, but I'd encourage you to find out more from your spouse and be prepared to put a few educated guesses on the table when you talk to her too because, on one hand, she may not want to reveal her "real" reasons; on the other hand, she may not even understand them well herself. Sometimes people get upset and reactive without fully understanding why, right? Does she feel frustrated and left out of too many decisions, for instance?

dogdogcrazy suggested at least giving it a try and then returning to the current arrangements if it doesn't pan out, which is an idea that I like, but I'd still recommend finding out what the function of her demand is first and deciding together if involving her in contact between you and your ex is likely to actually resolve things. I also agree with the several suggestions you were given for you and your spouse to see a therapist who has experience with blended families. That is good advice.

You asked if communication between the spouse and ex regarding the children is normal and if it could be productive. Unfortunately, I've rarely known it to be. Most people I know who are in these roles leave the primary communication and decision-making up to the biological parents even when they are cordial or even friendly with each other. I do know one family in which the husband and ex-husband developed a good friendship and are very cooperative with each other. It works for them, but they never had any animosity between them.

Good luck!