Maria & TOS, The order says she's to pick her up from school at 2pm (when school lets out) and on non school days (she's on spring break this week) it's still 2pm from our home. DH would have to miss a day of work and since I work for myself, I have the flexibility. I can arrange to be here when she says she'll be here. It doesn't matter what time she says, she's always late. If we have to do the exchange with DH home, it would be on Fridays at 7pm. Then she wouldn't get home with SD until 10pm (assuming she actually gets her on time). I don't have a problem with him making BM wait until he gets home, but I thought it would be better for her to take her early in the day so she (SD) could have a more enjoyable evening because she'd be back to her moms by the afternoon. (also, if we changed it to the evening time when DH is home, it would still affect our plans because we usually go out to dinner on Friday nights when SD isn't here... it's our 'date night') and Finedreams, I agree that there shouldn't be arguments or hostility. One of the things that BM did (speaking about having her pick up SD when DH is home), she told him that she was picking her up at 8:30pm. Then she showed up at 6:30pm and SD wasn't ready. She was openly annoyed with us (making rude comments in front of SD) because she wasn't ready. The following week, she said she'd be here at 6:30pm and didn't get here until 9pm. When DH asked her why she wasn't here at 6:30, she called him a liar and said she never told him that. He didn't argue with her, later, he told her in an email they were going to stick to the order. She yells at him because he is not being accommodating enough. As for civility, BM yells at me in front of SD, says nasty things about both me & DH to her when she visits (SD tells us some of the things her mom says) and we tell her 'I'm sorry your mom feels that way'. We have never said a negative thing about her to SD. The only time I've ever said ANYTHING that could be interpreted as hostile, is when BM was accusing me of abusing SD with peanut butter and oatmeal, I raised my voice and told her if she thinks I'm abusing her daughter, to call CPS. (and to hear her tell how it went, she says I started it and that I attacked her: a recording would cover my ass if she decided to make a police report or any other official report) Obviously, SD knows there's hostility because BM discusses everything with her, including how she hates me. (She's even shared letters BM's exBF sent her after they broke up, so it's not limited to the problems she has with DH or me) Your exH sounds absent minded or very busy and forgetful. He doesn't sound like he's trying to stir up problems between you just because he wants to frustrate you. I didn't think BM would be so immature. When I met her at first, she seemed very responsible and loving toward her kids, I never imagined that I would be primary caregiver to her child... she presented herself out as 'super'mom. The last thing I ever expected was that she would turn out to be a habitual liar, master manipulator, and deadbeat parent. (and she is a deadbeat when she tells us that she doesn't need to pay support, she thinks if she doesn't make DH pay her, it's the same as her paying... she told him that he could use the money he would be sending her to pay for SD's expenses) I wish we had THAT on tape for the court to hear. (when we were in court, she csme across as she did when I met her, very nice & sweet. You would never believe she could say or do some of the things she has said or done, recording it would change it from a he said/she said very quickly.)

lafevem, I agree. That's why it angers me SO much that they joined a "support" group for step-families. They both use this forum as an excuse to take out their anger on any stepmother who posts questions (looking for support) because they mistakenly view her as the "other woman" in their lives. It's not only unsupportive, it's insulting. And I wish I could say that I respect their perspective, but I don't. I think they are both lonely, angry, bitter, first wives who are taking it out on us because we're just some women on the computer with no face or real name. There's no repercussions for insulting us like there might be if they took it out on the ones actually causing their anger. Don't insult me because you can't blow up your ex and his girlfriend, y'know what I mean? Take a kick-boxing class and imagine she's the bag. Take her picture to the local range and shoot at her for all I care, but stop treating me like I stole your husband and hate my SK. I also think they use the ole "I'm learning your perspective thing" as a cover to be here. If my son was gay and I was having a hard time "understanding" it and wanted to learn where he was coming from, I wouldn't go to a forum and tell all gays that they are wrong for being that way, that it simply isn't "natural", or that God is frowning on them. (Which I really don't feel - I'm just making an example because that's usually the opposing arguments!) I also wouldn't assume that all gay men are hairdressers who wear designer labels and talk with a lisp just because some of them do. I do not appreciate being grouped into some category of ignorant, horrible mothers simply because Cinderella had an evil stepmother. It's just wrong. We are all people with different situations who are hear seeking support and we all deserve that opportunity to be listened to instead of picked apart. Some of us are better parents than others, some of us are better people than others but it doesn't mean that everyone in here is guilty until proven innocent. "to stepping -- no I wouldnt like or defend anyone hurting a child" Kkny: I will take this as your way of saying that I am not like the "other" stepmothers you assume we all are and that deep down, you see and appreciate that I am more maternal than the BM in my SS(s) lives and understand that those boys now have a chance to have the mother they deserve and that they have a better life now because I'm in it. After all, I don't physically and emotionally abuse them (and I won't list everything I DO do for them!) So, thank you for acknowledging this (even if I had to say it for you.)

Oh yuck!... I think you're very wise to be so concerned and I'll keep my fingers crossed for a mild ride... In my book, social drinking with friends at parties at age 18 is within the "normal" range of teenage activities, but having empty bottles rolling around inside drawers and rum-filled soda cans is "problem" behavior. Not to mention the knife! Drinking alone in her room and having empty bottles hidden are both signs of a possibly serious problem. I imagine you're aware that a vulnerability to substance addiction is an inherited trait? And that with alcoholism on both sides of her biological family tree, your SD is very vulnerable to alcoholism? Is this a point that was brought home to her in the strongest possible terms? Seems every 18 year old knows that they personally are invincible -- but the stats show otherwise... Al-Anon is a great place to get more information. I can't imagine a better group of people to help you and your DH sort out just how big of a problem this is likely to be at this stage -- Is it something you will be likely able to handle on your own with guidance and discipline? Or is rehab called for? (I can't see rehab actually working until your SD believes she has a problem that is beyond her own ability to control.) And what type of interventions and control strategies to they advocate? It's good your DH took the car plates away, but at some point, she'll probably get to drive again. When I was a teenager, my parents had a policy that turned out to be very effective at helping me learn to set my own limits. I had a curfew, and the house rule was that when I came in, I had to wake up Mom and spend a few minutes talking with her about where I had gone and what I had done (though they always knew where I was going in advance also.) That simple late-night conversation was enough to assure my mom that when I came in, it would be on time, and that I wouldn't be so drunk that I couldn't pass the 'coherent conversation' test. That didn't stop me entirely from underage drinking, but it did prevent me from underage OVER-drinking. It might be something to consider if you conclude your SD's drinking may be controllable.

kev111 - boy do I feel for you, I feel your pain! I live with a guy and his 18 years old son. We have lived together for a little over 1 year but have been friends for about 5 years. The story with the son is that my BF received full custody 4 years ago because BM could not handle him and her husband said it's me or him so off to dad the kid went. The kid had quite a nice life with mom - golf lessons, baseball, football, every electronic known to man but the kid is one of these who wants it all without having to do anything for it. Plus the son was not allowed to see his father for 1 year because the son made an abuse claim to a psychiatrist. This kid is a mess and no one deals with it. When I first moved in he cursed and screamed about everything at everyone including me. I would like to say I provoked the outbursts but I always tried to smile and be happy (it was the beginning of a new relationship) but the kid's attitude is horrendous. No respect for anyone, used to take my stuff use it return and not care whose it was. The theory he liked the best was it's my house not yours yet I live there...what logic. He also smokes pot, in the house, and has been caught doing this a number of time (plus outside in our backyard). He has become a slob in the main part of the house by not doing anything (and I mean anything). When the son got caught dealing drugs the parents sat down, figured out how to get rid of all paraphenalia and then took him out and bought him a great new cell phone (BM actually took him for that weekend). His father does not hand down any punishments at all - no reprecussions for any action. If the son curses at me like he did recently for taking his flip flop out of the hall closet (I thought they were his dad's since I hadn't seen anyone wearing them in a year) his father asks if I yelled back - he doesn't get mad that his son is being so disrespctful. His father and I cook for him, we can't make any arrangments with friends immediately after work because we have to go home first to feed his son or give him money for food even tho we have a freezer full of food. He spits, throws cigarettes wherever he wants, throws food on the front lawn because he just doesn't care. My BF does nothing, he cleans up after him, fixes his car because the 18 yr old doesn't want to work, also the son is still in High School and hopefully will graduate in June (unfortunately there is no guarantee). I know I am all over the place with descriptions but I am at my wit's end and reay to just move out. I don't have the ability to say to him it's me or the kid but something has to give and the BF does nothing. He used to get mad and yell at him and now there is no yelling, no frustration, nothing except the BF getting mad at me if I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, etc. because he feels like I am not pulling my weight yet videodrone gets away with doing nothing at all. Now, I yell over everything and have been told that if my yelling doesn't stop I can get out. I feel like since I knew him and I knew the son I should not have assumed that I could magically change things so now I just feel like I am losing a man who really has a big heart because of his son. I can relate with your current circumstances, if you figure out what to do please let me know because I would love to be able to get past this but right now leaving is my only option.