Friday at noon time she had dropped all 3 kids at different friends houses and told the kids... their father would pick them up when he got out of work at 4:30. So after working all day he had to run around and pick up 3 kids at 3 different houses with angry parents who thought they would only be there a couple hours. She neglected to tell the friends parents their dad wouldn't be able to pick them up until he got out of work. One in town 2 were out of town at friends near Mom's house.

OH hun why do you and your DH take all of this from her?! *Shakes head* I feel for you so much and for those poor kids. It must be awful to have to be put in that sort of situation! Coming from a mother I could never do that to my kids, no matter what the cost and frankly do not know of any women who would either.

*Hugs* Lady you need a BIG BIG BIG time vacation!

"why should she do him any favors he won't pay her a gift card nothing to spend time with the kids."

"she has stuff to do .... and her court order says she only has them until school opens"

"won't pick her kids up. 5:30 on a sunday"

"she told me to go to a consignment shop to get their school clothes!!!!"

sounds like she just doesn't want her children:

She doesn't want them around,
doesn't want to spend time with them,
doesn't want to do things for them,
doesn't care if they're embarrassed at being dumped on the unsuspecting parents of their friends,
doesn't care if it's good for them to be used as messengers for adult conversations about money & legal threats & resentment at having to have them at her home...
they're just a complication in her life.

If you & hubs can keep them 24-7 & make a life without involving her, I'd say go for it & forget her.

Don't ask her to pick them up, & don't plan on her picking them up.

at all.

ever.

& if they've already eaten Sunday dinner when she decides she wants them, they can all make brownies or play board games at her house instead.

(& the money she saves on restaurant meals can go toward shoes, clothes, school supplies, haircuts...)

I wouldn't try to make her take them more often via court order:
Just the fact that you & hubs ask the court to make somebody else take them will make them feel unwanted.

& even if you're successful at getting the court order, it won't make any difference in her behavior:
sometimes she'll comply, but often she won't comply, & when she does she'll want to be paid ("gift card to spend time with them"), & the kids will get the message that they're not wanted at either home ("You take 'em!" "No, it's *your* turn, *you* take 'em!")

I never have been involved with any mother like this, so I can't say I've walked in your shoes, but I think I'd try to disengage *from her* & let her roll on by.

I admire you for caring for the children, taking them shopping, etc.

acting like a momma...

Thanks angelz and sylvia I just hope I am not crazy I just don't get why anyone would put their kids through all this just to be a bi*$^ is the only reason I can think of... the walking in my shoes part ... I don't want to hear how petty I am over one flipping day. I would love to be able to sleep in one day a week ... not having to be up at 7 am breaking up a fight. They are so lazy they don't even let the dog out they let him *go* on the floor they are too busy fighting with each other to notice the dog *went* on the floor. So even if I disengage I have to clean up after a dog never mind 5 kids.

I would be happy if she just fell off the earth and we didn't have to deal with her anymore ... she uses the kids as messengers and I just want to tell them straight your mother is a nut.

I get so frustrated I want things done yesterday but everything with court takes months.... it will be atleast 6 months before we get a court date and by then my blood will be boiling have already been called by the school twice to bring stuff to school... told them to call mom she is not working.

Told mom about bringing stuff to school she says ... well isn't it nice they need you ... well you're not working so they can need you not me. Take time out of your day to bring pencils and tissues to school because I am not.

Just not fair ... always gets her way instantly and we have to wait.

Told hubby if you cater to her again ... I will not help you in this. She needs to change days whatever if you do it again I will not be here to help you. Why should we have to defend ourselves against the crap she says about us then bend over get porked by her again again.

What would happen if you didn't get up to break up the fight?
if you just nudged hubs instead?

& what would happen if you told hubs he had to clean up after the dog?

& what would happen if you told the school to call their mother, &, if that didn't work, to call their father?

...remember the "would you do it again?" thread?

I said I wouldn't, because you become a factor in a disfunctional relationship between the 2 exes.

I kept trying to "do the right thing" while the 2 of them kept up their scrapping & squabbling (their marriage!)...
without the stress of actually having to live together.

One Saturday morning, hubs's ADHD son was absolutely wild.
He had to take week-ends "off" Ritalin (all they had then) so that his appetite would return & his growth wouldn't be severely impacted.

So he was always pretty hyper.

But that morning, he acted like he was on speed, literally on drugs, couldn't control himself, yelled, stumbled around, tore up my belongings, chased my ancient dog, couldn't focus, etc.

I told hubs that his ex had given him sugar for breakfast...
& hubs refused to believe it!

said she was a good mother, wouldn't do something like that, etc.

So I insisted that he call her.

She had given him a whole box of Sugar Pops.
She said he had to do without *anything* "good" all week, so she gave him anything he wanted on Saturday morning.

at least on the Saturday mornings when he would wreak havoc on her ex &, just in passing, on me.

As long as I was the shock absorber, they continued this nonsense.

When I finally told him one terrible week-end that he had to keep the children at his ex's house that week-end because I could no longer stand the pure h^!! the 2 of them (the formerly-married adults) kept stirring up...it changed.

As long as you break up the fights, as long as you pick up the dog doo, as long as you speak to this woman on the phone...hubs doesn't have to.

(& you take on the responsibilities of the mother, so,hey, it works for her too).

You are an amazing woman all you are going through and still taking the time to help me see the light.

If I didn't get up... they would barge into the room battling each other. I want to get up early on weekends and run away. He works every other saturday. Til noontime.

he makes them clean it ... but if I ask them to clean it I am the mean one.

I know what you are saying I know what I have to do with the kids (disengage) but if I do it won't that be the same as what their mother does (abandoning them). ... I do it most of the time ... just so frustrated with that woman I know its effecting the rest of what I do with the kids.

I want to say your mother is making me this way.
I should make you as miserable as your mother makes me!!!

Good thing I am much calmer than the other day when it all went down ... or I would be really rambling sideways. :-)

Again sylvia thanks ... my thoughts and prayers are with you.. An amazing woman.

Can't talk when kids are here can't talk when kids aren't here can't talk at all.... just flustered ya know.

My last conversation with BM was do not call me until you are ready to take your children on a saturday. I don't care what they need you are their mother provide it for them. She had the kids call yesterday to ask if they could be dropped off early I said no your father isn't home. He will be home at 4:30 see you then.

really, I'm not amazing, although I appreciate the thought.

I'm just sitting here staring at the computer waiting for the email or instant messenger to show me a message from my brother...
I really ought to get out of here & breathe in some fresh oxygen...

"She had the kids call"

what a creep.

She called again yesterday ... 2 months ago I had said there was a family wedding coming up ... but it wouldn't be an issue since 2 months ago she was going to take the kids on a saturday. So she called yesterday about the wedding .... hubby told her "don't do me any favors" we will get a babysitter for the night. So now she is bugging out why are you paying a babysitter but you won't pay me!!! He said not going to pay you to be their babysitter or their mother. Her response well I pay you child support to be their father. You either want to spend time with your kids or don't but you will not be paid to do it.

I will NEVER forget the day many years ago (when I had first met my now husband) when he said that he had to get the kids up the next morning they were going to their mother's for the day while he worked. But first, he had to stop at the grocery so that he could take some breakfast food with them. ...to their MOTHER'S house. As if it were a day care facility. Ugh. I was STUNNED. Before I got involved in a stepfamily situation, I never realized just what heights people could take pettiness to. It was a huge eye opener for me. Who would've thought that taking care of one's own children would be considered babysitting?

I wonder sometimes if second wife ... drove first wife (mother of the oldest) away .... I know there are days I want to run away and never have to "deal with" her again.... I wonder if thats why first wife has been MIA for over 10 years. I should look her up and ask her!!!

First wife was very young only 16 when she had oldest daughter. Hubby was 22 and "did the right thing" married her. I am his third wife.

So do I understand this right, DH, at 22, was sleeping with 16 (or maybe even 15 year old). And you say he did the right thing?

He should be cast to wolves and stoned in the public square.

Life happens ...how many of your child's classmates have had sex or are pregnant?

I know its unheard of .... but teenagers have sex and sometimes they have sex with someone who is over the age of 18 I know you are shocked right now.

So here's another one for ya!!!

He was still married to first wife .... when he had a second child with future second wife!!! and he wasn't married when the third child was born!!! Married her when they got pregnant for their 3rd his 4th child.

OMG he should be shot!!!

OMG you made me realize they have no morals I should run away fast and furious.

I didnt say he should be shot, I just hardly put this as someone to be respected for doing the right thing.

If the girl was 15, it was statutory rape.

Life happens??? That's not life, that is a crime. It would be bad enough if he had been 16, but there is no excuse for a 22 year old guy to have sex with a 15 or 16 year old.

"If the girl was 15, it was statutory rape.
Life happens??? That's not life, that is a crime. It would be bad enough if he had been 16, but there is no excuse for a 22 year old guy to have sex with a 15 or 16 year old."

TOS, what if just had bare breasted photoes of them ? Would it be rape ? and if so why you said (in the thread about the child porn'photoes in possession of a 26 year old stepson) you just expected his parents to get him mental help ?
if it is a crime, he should do the time, irrespectively if he is a stepson, a bioson, a father or stepfather...

TOS, you are just an hypocrite.

I think in this situation, a pregnancy, it is pretty clear there was penetration. And whose the hypocrite -- cawfecup is holding up a "do the right thing" guy.

kkny wrote: "I think in this situation, a pregnancy, it is pretty clear there was penetration. And whose the hypocrite -- cawfecup is holding up a "do the right thing" guy."

I found interesting your nitpicking: so if a guy would just take a photo of your daughter when she is bare breasted, it would be allright, because there is no penetration?

Cawfecup is just rightly stating the fact that teenage pregnancy is unfortunate but exists (even in the best families and schools) and that her husband did try to do "the right thing"even if he was very young and that a relationship between a 16 year old and a 22 year old is not necessarily a rape while collecting barebreasted photoes of teenage girls is CERTAINLY sexual exploitation.

Well they had a few choices ... put him in jail ... abort the baby.... get married .... stay single parents.... I am sure there are other choices.

And I thought marrying someone you got pregnant ... was the "right thing to do" in the world???? guess not...

But I also thought wanting to be with your children was the "right thing to do" but apparently I was wrong on that case too.

Guess I cannot win. You have me beat down. I understand now ... my SC's mother is the way she is because hubby was a bad bad 22 yr old so he and his children should suffer with a bitter woman the rest of their lives. So all of her actions are excusable because he was a bad 22 yr old.

If your teenage daughter came home pregnant??? your teenage daughter would want you to put the father of her baby in jail? She would want you to drive her to the clinic? Help her raise a baby all alone? Drive her to the adoption agency?

Amd please do not say .. It can't happen to your child ... it can happen to anyone ... I saw on another forum you posted about her having friends at your house while you are at work.... guess what happens when teens are left alone for any amount of time..... THEY HAVE SEX!! Your daughter may not be but if left alone enough they (her friends) will be using YOUR BED to "do it".

If it were your 22 yr old son ... you would want him to do the right thing? or would you visit him in jail? Maybe he should get mental help..... then he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his actions.

cawfecup,

I think your post was to kkny (correct me if I am wrong), but in my opinion marriage may not be the best course of action when a 15 or 16 year old gets pregnant. In addition to the ones you mentioned, there is also the choice of adoption. There is plenty of blame to go around - what were the girls parents thinking to let her date someone that old? Jail would have the disadvantage of preventing him from supporting the child. I do think an evaluation of his mental health would have been appropriate.

It kind of ruined the effect of "doing the right thing" when he turned around and got someone else pregnant while still married to the first one.

Not that it is right, but it is not surprising that the mother of your oldest stepchild disappeared, considering she was little more than a child herself when she gave birth. You said she had been gone for 10 years - how old is the child?

I am not saying shoot anyone, I am just saying that this is not exactly behavior to be held up as a shining example.

I do have a better understanding of the stresses your family is under.

That SD is 18 ... and yes she was very young and we have had this discussion with the 18 yr old who kept knocking her mother for not being around. But her mother made the best decision she could by giving up her daughter to her father who could care for her. And alot of other people have stepped up in her life. She was rambling one day about her mother.... and I said ... you can't go 20 minutes with out fighting with your BF you neglect your dog.... your mother was the same age you are now with a baby and a husband.... She made the best decision for you, how hard do you think that decision was? They (first wife and hubby) split when daughter was 3. SD came to live with hubby when she was 5. First wife is in FL somewhere. We are in MA. They had been living apart for 4 years when he met the second wife.

I am not excusing his behavior but it was over 18 years ago.... I know I made some dumb decisions when I was a teenager so I don't knock others for teenage mistakes.

Yes it was mostly to kkny...she defends all of SC's mother actions ... and tries to knock me and my hubby. It's just silly. She can only find fault with us ... BM is a saint in kkny's eyes.

If I were the wife complaining my ex doesn't take the children when he is supposed she would be reaming the ex out ... but because its the BM she is going to "defend her" .... which is truly sad... it shouldn't matter male or female ... you have children they are your responsibility ... I try to do right by my SC but at each turn their "mother" cuts me off and flips me off.

Negativity breeds ... and the more I have to deal with the bitter ex the more negative I get... I used to be a happy person.... wish I could figure out why she makes me so angry ... I know I can't change that woman. But why should she have it so easy THEY ARE HER CHILDREN NOT MINE.

Doesn't want to raise her own children but expects me to and then stabs me in the back for doing her job.

Example yesterday .... my son had to stay afterschool for club I ran to get him gives me 10 minutes to get back to the house so the 12 yr old isn't home alone.... 12 yr old called while I was out he missed the bus .... so now I have to wait 20 minutes for the elementary bus for the 9 and 8 yr olds. The 12 yr old called his mother for a ride home..... guess what.... "she was busy" and told him to find his own ride home!!! (she couldn't call his father or me too busy) so I wait for the bus and run up to the school to get him ... but in the meantime he (12 yr old) had called the neighbor kids grandmother to come get him!!! HE HAS NO PATIENCE COULDN'T WAIT FOR ME. I drove in right behind her at the school. He couldn't understand why I was mad!! because you called me for a ride I have other priorities you need to wait your turn. "but my mother told me to find my own ride home" ... you have two parents you could have called your father for a ride why did you have to call the grandmother? next time you will find your own way home you found one this time... so next time good luck!!

Unfortunately, being in six places at once is one of the jobs of a SAHM of a bunch of kids, which is why they joke about being taxi drivers. Unfortunately, since I went back to work full-time, I now have to be 7 places at once. If I had a dime for every lunch half-hour I have spent bringing my kids from place to place, I would be a rich woman (or at least could have a nice dinner out).

My exH informed me once, when I asked him to take care of the kids so I could drive one of our children to college, he is "not a babysitter." NCP's legally, and apparently in many cases in their own minds, have NO responsibility toward the kids other than child support. They can show up when they want, show up late, or not show up at all. They are not legally required to call if they aren't coming. When my kids were still allowed to visit their father, they would sit in the house for hours just waiting for him, because sometimes he showed up at 10, and sometimes not until one.

I don't mind the running around .... just the lack of respect for the running around ... once he got another ride why didn't he call me back.

If mom or dad were called and went to pick him up and when they showed up someone else was there to pick up the child ... parent wouldn't say a word? as I said in the other post ... would they praise him for getting another ride or give him grief for not calling back and saying he had another ride?

I wouldn't care if she never showed again... just stop bashing us when she does. Telling the kids what to say... coddling their bad behavior and expecting us to cater to their bad behavior.... my problem with it is ... if you are unwilling to parent your child don't expect me to do more than you are willing to do.

Giving the children her version of events.... and then they come home and state her version of the facts!! Having to defend ourselves against her words but most of the time we can't say anything ...or saying your mom is really angry right now and angry people say dumb things... so tired of people saying ... when they get older they will know what really happend. Until then she poisons their minds against their father... I know she resents me who cares I certainly don't .... but why does she try to make the kids hate their father? whats the point of that? To make herself feel better is the only reason I can think of ....

We filed contempt and modification papers yesterday .... so by january (the court said 30-60 days I am hoping atleast by January) ... we should have atleast one day a weekend. There's a light at the end of the tunnel hoping it isn't a train.