Well Raek!!!!! :) - you go girl.

This is about Disengagement...
If you ignore a troll, they will go away.

So let me put this out there for all of you who have had success in disengaging: Almost every day after school, there is soccer practice. Neither SS or DH bother to ask me if I can pick the child up, they just assume that I'll do it because I work very close to the practice but it requires me to stay longer at my job, which I'd rather not do. On the other hand, DH works until 4:30 and practice is over at 4 but the boy can go to a latchkey program until 5:00 when his dad would be available to pick him up. SS just doesn't want to go to the program because he'd rather come home and lay in bed and play video games. Either the first or second practice, I apparently wasn't moving quick enough out of my office to get SS (it was 4:02) so he started texting DH and did so several times asking where DH was be/c he needed picked up right away and DH kept texting the boy back with, "Call your SM!" So when we were all at home, I was made to look like the bad guy because I was on my way out the door as practice was ending.

While something of this nature probably shouldn't irk me, it really does. Unfortunately, since the boy is only 12, it's going to be a long six years for me if I can't disengage in some way. I am very busy, which helps in some way. I work FT and go to grad school.

What's making things worse is, and I've said it on another post a long time ago on one of these boards, his poor attitude is rubbing off on my child. My daughter was used to doing chores, earning what she received, and the consequences for poor behavior/choices because it was only she and I for ten years. Now that we're part of a blended family, she's taking the attitude of "if he doesn't have to do it, neither should I."

I'm also extremely annoyed because in our situation, I am completely aware and fully capable of admitting that my daughter is NOT perfect. I know it and I do everything in my power to help her become a better person. On the other hand, DH is an enabler. He knows the son hides his report cards and interim reports, lies about everything, doesn't follow school rules or our house rules, but DH does nothing but threaten.

Biomom wants the boy to go live with her this summer but DH refuses. As I said before, DH is only allowing two weeks each month, which is basically punishing me. The boy has ADHD and is on meds (when I remind him to take them in the morning and even then, I know he doesn't take them) but DH takes him off of them in the summer so on top of being faced with complete ignorance and laziness, I have to deal with him bouncing off the walls.

I am really frustrated right now and needed to vent. I also realize that my situation could be a lot worse than it really is. I'm just not used to living this way.

Hi, Laurel

I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him that
you would like to turn the soccer pick-up duty to someone else. That you are not able to meet SS's needs, and that
you have total confidence in his ability to make other arrangements.

Other arrangements might be a carpool with one of the other kids, in exchange for gas money, or any other arrangement that he can come up with.

You can give him a proper notice, such as 2 weeks, or so.

Laurels:
DH and did so several times asking where DH was be/c he needed picked up right away and DH kept texting the boy back with, "Call your SM!" So when we were all at home, I was made to look like the bad guy because I was on my way out the door as practice was ending.

...What if you were in a fender bender or pulled over for speeding to get to him? I would say something along the lines of ... I do not feel comfortable rushing from work to get him because he is impatient it would be easier if he went to the program so no one is rushing to get him.

Biomom wants the boy to go live with her this summer but DH refuses.

Who will be with him all day during the summer? if he is going to a camp staying with BM would be cheaper. ... or home alone? at 12 he is legally old enough but... if he is impatient about someone picking him up two minutes I don't think that would be a good idea. Just some thoughts to hint around to hubby.

Thank you for the suggestions! Sunday night dinner will be the perfect springboard for the discussion.

During the summer, I'm able to take my vacation and work from home so I stay with the kids 24/7. It would be cheaper for us to send the boy with his mother for the summer. I firmly believe biomom should have to support him financially and do absolutely everything for the child for at least three months out of the year since she doesn't any other time. I also could use the hiatus.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Whoa --- do you think taking kids over summer is equal to when they are in school?

What does custody arrangment say?

kkny,

Do I think it's equal to schooltime? No, would you? Unfortunately, no court ordered custody arrangement or child support order (she gives DH nothing!) in place other than the verbal agreement between DH & BM. (Although there may be now that BM's mother is suing for grandparents' rights and more visitation!) They agreed on two weeks every month in summer a long time ago but now BM wants him all summer. BM is supposed to take SS every other weekend during the school year plus any other time he has off, but DH & BM play silly game about that. If SS has off and BM doesn't want him, she makes up some excuse of why she can't come for him. On the other hand, if DH doesn't want BM to have him, he tells SS not to tell BM that he has off school or else DH will make up some excuse why SS can't go with her. IMO, it's pathetic.

That is pathetic. And it's teaching the children to lie to their parents and manipulate the truth to get what they want. Not good parenting.

In my last post I forgot to mention that I said to DH, "I can't pick up SS be/c I need to leave work earlier. You'll need to make arrangements for him or pick him up at latchkey." DH says to ME, "You tell him." I just about fell over!!!!!!!! Then I come to find out this morning as I'm dropping children off at school, DH never told SS he had to go to latchkey! It gets better, I drove past soccer field on my way home from work after grocery shopping, SS zeroed in on my car going past, calls and says, "Where are you going?" I just got done telling him at 8:00 a.m., his father was going to pick him up. I feel like I'm living in a bad circus-related dream of some sort.

Help me out with some heartening disengaging advice and stories everyone!

It sounds like DH is doing a better job as disengaging. I think you need to talk to him, and not a casual one pick up meeting. It sounds like his expectations were that you would be able to pick up son (in general), and can not deal with changes.

In my town, coaches of kids that age are not allowed to leave kids behind on the field. If someone is supposed to pick them up and he or she doesn't show, the coaches have to wait. This can be a big problem for leaders of other groups as well, such as Girl or Boy Scouts, etc. I know I got awfully tired of waiting for one particular parent. Is it possible the coach is the one encouraging him to call?

Kids get really worried when their parents don't show up. I know my kids did the few times when I was late, and I see it all the time in my child's sport - if the parents aren't there right on time, the kids are calling them, even when the coaches assure them that the parents will undoubtedly be there soon. They seem worried, not merely impatient.

Before cell phones ... what did kids do ... WAIT!!! we have become a very impatient society.

laurels next time take the long way home enjoy the ride. And before he can call and say where are you ... call him 15 minutes prior to the end of practice ... Don't forget you are going to ________ today. Dad is picking you up. See you at dinner.

wow -- cawfecup -- what a life you live -- sahm for school age children and still dont want to do anything. just like my xs gf -- which is another reason sd hates her and i wont give up a nickel I am entitled to, I have to work, why shouldnt she.

No no no ... I do everything for my stepchildren. But I will not do for ungrateful children or husbands... As my stepchildren like to tell me I am not their mother... I do not HAVE to do anything for them ... I WANT to do stuff for them

And yes my steps are very impatient because their mother has her phone attached to her head god forbid she miss a call. My SC think I am at their beck and call as does their mother.

They have two parents who can easily do for them ...

I'll write more later, I have to run to 2 different schools to pick up children today because their mother called on friday told her children she would pick them up today. But she called an hour ago she is too busy to get them today.

So guess who has to go get them? at their desigated drop off for mom. ???

KKny,I certainly hope that wasnt a little arrow sling about SAHMS.We dont want to open THAT can of worms.

Cawfecup sounds like a wonderful Stepmom to me.She is completely different than Helenar.

KKNY---wow -- cawfecup -- what a life you live -- sahm for school age children and still dont want to do anything.

Ok now that I am calmer...I am hoping this wasn't directly at me personally. You have a bitter new GF I am stuck with a bitter ex-wife who thinks I am her wife.

I do more for my SC than I did/do for my own children. If my kids forgot something at home too bad its your responsiblity to remember.

Staying at home has allowed me to bring the things my SC items they forget to school.. would a working parent be able to leave work to bring items to school children forgot?
examples:
homework
highlighters
pens
tissues
pencils
notebooks
projects
lunch money
pokemon cards
baseball cards
cellphones

YES!! Those are all things my SC have forgotten that I "had" to bring to school.

Yes at first I used to bring the stuff to school but it got to be a habit, atleast 2/3 calls per week. And what did they learn about responsibility? nothing they learned call cawfe she will do it!!. Now depending on what it is I say no you shouldn't have forgotten the item.

At what age do you teach children responsibility? 5, 10, 15, 18. 21, 25 or never?

Do they call their mother? No she tells them she can't and they accept that. If I say no its a meltdown waiting to happen.

and in laurels case she is a working SM who adjusts her schedule around her SS and her hubby expects it of her. So yes I encouraged her to put it on her hubby to "care" for HIS SON. Why shouldn't he be responsible for his own kid?

I am a SAHSM because my paycheck barely covered daycare and at the time their "mother" who makes over $125,000 a year didn't pay child support. Walked out on her family then filed personal bankruptcy leaving hubby with over $50,000 in debt. So when we married I quit my job to save $350 a week in daycare expenses.

Wow, Cawfe

That's the heart of my issue...my husband does more for his kids than we would do for my kids.

I agree that I expect a lot of my kids regarding responsibility, but kids will do what you expect of them.
If you expect them to drop the ball, and bail them out when you do, then you teach them to drop the ball.

Always, who gets the pay-off and who gets the inconvenience?
Cawfe, if you don't cater to them, you get the pay-off and they get the inconvenience. That will teach them to be more responsible next time. I'm not talking about an occasional time when a big project gets left at home. I'm talking about the daily crap...BASEBALL CARDS!!!!...are you crazy! Are you co-dependent? Not being critical, because you are my new Disengaging Goddess, but please!

If you want to train a puppy, then make it inconvenient for them when they pee in the house.

If you want to train a person, then make it inconvenient for them when they drop the ball. It's that simple.

Cawfe -- what you do is what everyone with responsiblity for a child does. And my guess is your dh makes a lot. I jsut feel sorry for the kids.

But Cawfe said that she expects her kids to be responsible. Why is it important not to teach step-children not to be responsible? Why is there a double standard.

Who can drop everything just on a whim?
Just because Cawfe isn't employed doesn't mean that she
doesn't have plans and priorities for her day.
By calling Cawfe 2 - 3 times a week, it's showing that
they don't respect her time. They don't care if she is inconvenienced. Cawfe said that they know not to call their parents. I just don't think that's what everyone with responsibility for a child does. I think it's time to set boundaries. I think you start teaching children responsibility as soon as they can talk.

At first I didn't have issues bringing stuff to school I was home... but when it got to be habit I stopped unless it was important.

I basically disengage on weekends. I do for them what is needed during the week... weekends their dad can do it.

I was trying to point out to kkny that as a SM I do most of the parenting with out any credit.

"in the best interest of the child" I am trying to help them grow and become independant adults.

May I ask why you feel sorry for the kids? I do but only because their mother is a sad excuse for one.

Ok, that makes me feel better.

Doing everything for any child only teaches them to be
irresponsible.

The 11 yr old has been listening to his mother again. This morning woke me up to "make him" breakfast at 5:30 I said go have cereal. "My mother said you don't work so you can get up and make me breakfast in the morning." I snapped up in bed and said .. When was the last time she made you breakfast that didn't come in a bag? the M on the bag stands for mcdonalds not mom. Now go have cereal.

This from a "mother" who doesn't cook for her children... one time even had the nerve to call hubby and tell him the kids didn't eat today (she dropped them off @ 3pm) because she didn't have any clean dishes.

Guess I should be lucky my SC speak their minds. :)

Hahaha! Love the McDonalds, not Mom. That's clever.

Shocked I was alert enough at 5:30 am to come up with it.
Then thought thats gonna come back and bite me in the ass.

I agree with southern, doing everything for children renders them completely incapable of completing even the smallest chore and promotes irresponsibility. I see this daily in my line of work as well as with SS. His paternal and maternal grandparents plus his parents NEVER made the child do anything for himself. When he came to live with us last summer, at 11-years-old, he couldn't even make a can of soup in the microwave, hang up his bath towel, put the toilet seat down, turn a light off when he left a room, set a table, get out of bed, shower, brush his teeth, etc. without being told or shown how to do it. It's been a l-o-n-g 11 months. Now DH tells me that he's going out of town all of next week on business! Yippy skippy for me.

Whoever said that DH has done a better job of disengaging is right, however, I'm working hard to undo that. When SS asks me for something or TELLS me he's going to do something, I respond with "If it's ok with your father OR Go ask your father OR text your father."

I also feel it's really important for DH to step up to the plate right now since we found out grandparents are accusing us of interfering with visitation with SS and hauling us in to court over it. I found out that SS has been lying up and down about where he supposedly is when he's supposed to be with BM on the weekends (he's actually with the accusing grandparents) and deletes cell phone calls and texts from them so DH supposedly doesn't find out about it. It's a mess....and I'm the only one who appears to be angry about anything!

If hubby is going away next week ... perfect week to enroll SS in latchkey program.

my SKs BM used to only take them one day a week Pick them up at 3 PM on saturdays by 5 pm she had them all sleeping at a different friends houses. Or would have a babysitter lined up for the evening. Hubby used to take issue with this "only day you have with them and you are going out or dropping them off somewhere" ... her response... "don't tell daddy about the babysitter, he gets mad" "don't tell daddy you slept at ______'s house, he gets mad" ... So the children learned to lie to daddy because he gets mad. They didn't get that her only day with them she was not even with them.

Hubby kept telling BM it was a safety issue. She didn't get it until the 9 yr old had an asthma attack and the 15 yr old babysitter didn't know what to do. She couldn't get in touch with BM so she had to call her own mother @ 1 AM. Who rushed the 9 yr old to the hospital ... the hospital called hubby.

Your SS doesn't tell hubby because someone taught him to lie. DH and BM are both guilty on that one you posted earlier giving the other parent excuses for not visiting with SS. Atleast he is with "responsible people" when he is supposed to be with BM. The angrier you get the more they win. I will get some backlash for this one but .... Atleast he is out of your hair on those weekends he is supposed to be with BM enjoy the time apart. As long as he is safe it really doesn't matter who he is with.

Guessing the grandparents are trying to step up and take the place of their irresponsible daughter.

Do grandparents raising grandkids figure out they need to do something different or they will be raising great grand kids too?

Interesting discussions happening here!

Cawfee - you wrote "I do more for my SC than I did/do for my own children. If my kids forgot something at home too bad its your responsiblity to remember."

Amen sister! When my then-3.5 y.o. BioSon would not get dressed in time for pre-school one day (he was perfectly capable, just dawdling) after giving him fair warning, at the appointed time, I simply picked him up in his PJs, strapped him into his carseat, and off we went. I explained to him that we both had jobs to do and had to get ready on time, and that getting him dressed was HIS responsibility, not mine. He cried the whole way to pre-school (then changed clothes in the bathroom there), but has never again been late in the morning. Not once.

When he was 10 and forgot to bring home his spelling words for a test the next day, he asked me to bring him back to school so he could get them. Again, I told him it was HIS responsibility, not mine, and that he needed to find another way to solve his problem. I suggested he call a friend from class. Instead, he called his StepMom and she bailed him out by calling his teacher. And she ended up calling or emailing the teacher almost every week for the rest of the school year because DS kept forgetting things, knowing she was always there to save him.

That was StepMom's and my first 'fight' -- she wouldn't stop bailing him out, and I felt she was enabling him to avoid taking responsibility for his own work. That particular problem lasted for several years. In fact, it's still going on. Seems DS was more resourceful when he was younger.

True, but I have found that it allows BM and DH feel like
a hero when they "save the day", and helps them sooth their own guilt. Even though it's not good for the children.
My husband tells me it's none of my business when he enables his kids. But he is quick to insist on responsible behavior from my kids.

This is a GREAT discussion! I've had this one out with my SS's BM.
She is a chronic enabler. I have two SS's, one lives with me, the other with their BM. When the one that lives with us first moved in, it was torture. He was 11, and couldn't to a single thing for himself. I'm glad to report that after 3.5 yrs, he's become a very responsible young man. But we have taken a world of criticism,crazy phone calls and emails from the BM who does not agree with how we are raising him. She had him all jacked up on psyche meds-diagnosed Bipolar, ADHD, ODD, and dyslexic, borderline failing school, and a total mess. Now he's completely off all meds, happy, healthy, and on the Honor Roll. Of course, her opinion to all this is that he "matured" and that we are just reaping the benefits. That we had nothing to do with it.
I have to admit that it bothered me that she can't see how she was hurting him more than helping him. But, she's not capable of being happy for anyone, including her son.
My other SS who lives with BM is totally dependent on his mother. He's 13, and until this fall, couldn't even make soup from a can for himself (That comment in the above string really struck a chord with me!!!)
It's sad, he needs constant direction when he needs something. He doesn't think for himself, or help himself. It really breaks my heart, because I know that life is going to be rough for him later on.

I had to laugh when I read jessegirl's comment about the biomom stating that her son just matured.....my SS is doing very well with his Dad and me and just the other day I received an email from her where we were "discussing" the fact that he wanted to stay with us for the next 2 weekends because he had final exams, etc. and really wanted to focus on school (and local tennis tournaments). Anyway, she said to me that "he knows that I want him to be the wonderful boy that I raised him to be" (something like that)......when the fact is, she moved away when he was 13. I wrote to my sisters that I guess she figures when a kid turns 13, you're done! He's "raised"!! Fact is, my husband and I had to reel him in and make sure at he understood and followed our rules and didn't become his sister (the child that she DID raise who is a nightmare of a child...a 20 y/o pathological liar, manipulator, thief etc., just like her mother). In fact, her son is a wonderful boy DESPITE her, not because of her! I have finally learned not to take the bait, and so I let it go.

We really have to just understand that no matter what, we won't get any credit (though the critcism sure flows!). I don't care if she recognizes my contribution to her son's well being.....as long as I know it and I see a young man who is turning out to be a wonderfully responsible independent person. I am truly proud of him!

I don't want credit....just some peace in my life, that's all. I do realize that it won't be happening anytime soon either!

I know we're talking about disengaging and enabling, but while reading these posts, I was curious just how many of you talk to the BMs of your SKs. I've had one conversation with the BM four years ago when she called to tell me that "her" kids told her that my DH (then BF) told them he still loved her and I calmly responded with a firm "I think the two of you should get back together" and then hung up on her harrassment. DH's attorney sent her a letter promptly after that stating she was never to contact me again for any reason whatsoever and we are now married, however, I can't imagine having to speak to her after knowing what she's done to DH and SS. Worse yet, she continues to breed contempt and lies within our lives.

Anyhow....SS is going to latchkey this week and DH is telling him before he leaves. I do enjoy my weekend breaks and I could care less if he is with the grandparents. I certainly don't want him out on the streets but I'm annoyed with the lies and the secrecy.

Like sweeby, I've been tough on my own child but I know at the end of the day, she could make it on her own if she *absolutely* had to. I know she would get her homework done, in her backpack, have dinner, go to bed at night at a decent hour, then go to school the next day in full uniform, without being late. Is that to say I don't let her skate sometimes? Sure I do but southern said it best, "My husband tells me it's none of my business when he enables his kids. But he is quick to insist on responsible behavior from my kids." He has sent my daughter wailing in to her room for not wanting to go on a bike ride but yet when his son leaves globs of jelly all over the counter or fails a test and I ask what happened, I have no right to be "attacking" the boy. It's also double standard that exists in blended families.

Laurels,

The first time I have had peace in my life over these
last 8 years, is when I realized that the Brady Bunch did not exist. Disengaging is the only way that I stopped beating my head against the wall. It's the only way I stopped being a doormat. Now I am pleasant but detached.
I can be a good wife to my husband, a good mother to my children, and I can operate in a way that does not threaten bio-mom. When I quit pulling my step-kids towards me, they quit being able to pull away.

Laurels ... I liked what you said about being tough on your own child. I know with my own kids. as a single mom basically and they had to stay by themselves at times and I worried about them but I knew they could do for themselves.

I can't run to the store for milk without taking 3 kids with me. Afraid what I would come home to.

I also took my son when he was 5 to school in his pjs because he was dawdling. I "threaten" my 8 yr SD with the same thing she waits till we are walking out the door to go to school to get ready and the one who suffers is the 9 yo SS doesn't get to play before school. I going to give him extra money for ice cream at school and she will get nothing for not being ready. Hopefully that works. Just tired of getting myself worked up in the morning because she won't get ready. I have asked her repeatedly why she waits... do you like being yelled at every morning? I had to tell her we are going in 10 minutes when its actually 30 because she will not get ready. She figured that one out so now "I lie all the time" ... No, I lie about the time!!

I know with SC atleast no matter what I did for them they still "hate" me. Thats when I decided the extra stuff I did for them didn't matter. Why go out of my way to appease them if they still hated me.

The 11 yo would tell me constantly he hated me .... which is fine you can hate me all day long. But lets be clear do you hate me or hate rules and consequences. Do you hate that I do your laundry, Bring stuff to school, cart you around, make your favorite cookies/meal/snacks, that I clean up after you, play games with you, take you to the park/beach, or just me personally?? because if thats the case then no matter what I do for you, you will always hate me so there is no point in trying to make you happy.

He no longer tells me he hates me ... he says what he hates ... I hate this house, I hate the rules, I hate being punished, I hate homework, etc. Its been over a month since he told me he hated me personally.

He learned quickly when he called for a ride from school because he had detention and missed the bus. Can you come get me ? no you hate me remember ... better call your mom or dad and see if one of them can come get you. He had to wait almost an hour at school for his dad to get out of work and get him. Hubby called me to go get him ... no he hates me I don't feel like it.

Great philosophy. You will always hate me so there is no point in trying to make you happy. That really sums it up.

Cawfe, do you like being at home? I love my job, but on top of that, sometimes I really like being able to
opt out of doing the family "crisis" bail-out things because "I gotta work".

It seems like you are always the default person because you are at home.

cawfe, in your last post, you could have also been describing a scene in our home: SS wants to watch TV and play video games all day, entertained constantly by his father, cooked dinner consisting of the foods only he likes (which aren't many BTW), wear only the best brandname clothing and shoes, carry around an expensive cell phone; yet he doesn't think he should have to do anything else for the common good of the home. He's never come out and said he hates me although I find notes in his room that he writes that say he hates me, he's an eyeroller, under the breath mutterer, dirty looks boy. He also goes straight in to his room as soon as he gets home from school and locks the door behind him. The only time he comes out is when he wants to know when we're eating and what I've made, then he decides if he'll eat it or not. Why does he go behind locked door? He's afraid I'm going to ask him to do something or ask him if he's done his homework. Anyhow.....in my case, I could leave SS here and go to store for milk and he'd NEVER know I was gone, but if he figured it out, I'm sure he'd trash the house before I'd return.

Here's my final story for the evening: SS informed DH and I at dinner the other evening that he can't wait for summer so he can sleep all day and party all night. I calmly looked at DH and said, I guess he is going to his mother's for the summer after all, then? It didn't go over so well!

I do enjoy being home and being available in emergencies when needed, but I do not like being available "on her days" as I call them. ex. BM has decided this school year that a child was too sick for school. She dropped the child off here at 8:00 am.

I took issue with this the last 2 times only because she didn't offer to stay with them until a later time. If they were sick on a thursday(her day off) would we be able to drop them off at 8 am? answer NO.

I feel like I am the ex-wifes ex-wife, because she relies on me as her back up. But turns around and tells the kids they don't have to listen to me and I can't talk to them "that way". I can't punish them etc.

I know he doesn't hate me but he doesn't know how to express himself very immature 11 yr old.

Laurels: ... Different situation here I have 3 who will just assume kill each than get along. They kept locking the bedroom door and then begin to fight. After not being able to get in the room to stop them for the umpteenth time, I took the door knob off the door. Its been off for almost a year now.

I am a firm believer in "being part of a family is helping out around the house" too many of us (7) for one(me) to do it all. Not doing them any favors by not teaching them how to do stuff around the house. Skills they will need soon enough.

Does he like to bake? have him make dessert once in a while(worked with the 11 yr old got him out of his room). Have him make a menu for a meal. Do the shopping list for that meal. Find the sales for the items on that menu. You have a daughter around the same age right? have her do the same. Pick a night "kids choice". To get them and hubby included I would say I am sick of deciding what's for dinner. We have a menu posted * menu subject to change and * 1 substitute meal per week (PB&J).

As far as summer goes ... Do you and hubby have to work or do you both have the 10 weeks off? unless you're both on vacation same rules apply during the school year. (that's how I fixed that issue) Bedtime is extended by a half hour.

Pick your battles when you conquer one move onto another!!.

I am guessing I have more freedom when it comes to my SC than most. Because I am here with them all the time. I make the rules. My answer to the I wants? is earn it!. School work does not count toward earnings school has to be done no matter what. My 11 yr old "hates school" when he gets on that tirade we go and do yard work. As he complains about yard work, I say well what do you want to be when you grow up? ________ with out an education you will be doing bull work the rest of your life. We even did yard work in the middle of winter just to give him an idea of what life is like without an education.

Has anyone been following the gossip regarding Nascar
driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. His mother has been running
Dale Earnhardt, Sr.'s racing company since Sr.'s death.
Jr. is her step-son, and he announced today that he was leaving the company. I can only guess the behind the scenes conflicts between Step-mother and Step-son.

Teresa and Jr. have tolerted each other over the years. Jr. and Kelly (Earnhardt) Elledge are very close to their biological mother. And Kerry (the first son) is from another biological mother entirely.

Official annoucement is tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Jr. is leaving and taking Truex, Budweiser, and Bass Pro Shops to JR Motorsports. There will be HOWLING in Kannapolis if Jr. fails to make a race at the start of next year. He will NOT be taking his points from this year or the #8 I imagine. Bet we might see a #3 again if he can work something out with Childress.

Look for John Menard to step up with some big $$$ in the future for DEI. Yates figures BIG in this picture as well. That engine shop is quite valuable in the larger scheme of things. Robby Gordon Motorsports has an interest in this as well.

They'll be picking over the bones at DEI next winter...

It's really quite fascinating.

southernsummer and vivian 31- I'm not sure why the two of wanted to discuss nascar gossip on this forum. Maybe the two of you could get a My Space or peruse the gossip columns at the check out counter or perhaps online. I have been reading threads and once in a great while asking for advice/offering advice/support in this forum for quit some time and I am seeing a change in the platform. I have not been a standout or acknowledged very much and now I feel I want to be heard. I am tired of The Other Side adding her 2cents worth of -my world is better that yours even though I'm poor and blah blah blah-get off your high horse and offer something other than-poor me, but my kids and life are so much better than yours-and I don't have to deal with step anything-or shut the F#@%k up. I have grown weary of you. And, if I hear kkny put another stay at home mom down I may thow up. Please don't express your bitterness to those of us who where intelligent enough to attract and then marry a man who could support the household, or saved/invested enough to stay at home if we so choose. I'm not sure where you're coming from, but most of us HAVE worked and deserve some time off. Please keep your BITTER comments to youself. I come to this forum to hear about other step/bio moms problems and to seek advise. Lately I see a whole lot of judgment and crap that is not useful to me. I resepect most of the ladies on this forum but can we please get back to helping each other and cut all the gossip and b*llsh#t out of an otherwise intelligent and informative forum. I'm sorry if I have insulted or angered most of you, but for sh*ts sake can we get on with it already? And by the way, thank you for the chance to let off some steam.

"Lately I see a whole lot of judgment and crap that is not useful to me."

Hmm,...okay, well, scroll on by. Public forum. Southernsummer asked and I've been watching that situation with some interest. Completely off topic? Yeah, probably... Eh.

As far as TOS goes, sometimes we agree and sometimes we don't. What I DO think is that the choice NOT to be a step anything is just as relevent to this forum as the choice TO be a stepmother or father. Again, public forum.

Judgment is part of everyday life. We ALL make judgments every day and it may be a little optimistic to aspire to a judgment-free forum. Judgment and opinion go hand in hand and every post on this board is full of opinion. I'd rather everybody post their opinions, judgements, successes and failures and leave it up to me to separate the wheat from the chaff. You never know where you're going to get the good information.

Nobody can tell me that with the amount of debate that TOS has inspired that her input isn't useful or that she doesn't belong here.

Thank you, Jenkin. I appreciate your moral authority here, and I would like you to enlighten us with your wisdom.
Please please tell us...what is the meaning of life, and
give me wisdom that will solve all of our problems and lead us to transcendental enlightenment. I know you have all the answers. We yield to your great wisdom.

Jenkin... feel better now that you let off steam. :-)

I thought it was weird the nascar reference ... but it was a nascar STEP-FAMILY issue. Nascar is also the most popular sport in the US. Its fan base is bigger than baseball and football.

And its good now and then not to dwell on all the negative stuff in our own lives and see that others rich or poor go through the same stuff at different levels.

Money does strange things to people.

I understand most of TOS comments but she refuses to any other situation than her own. Yes poor her I am guessing she came here to find out why her ex and his (whatever) wife or gf.. treat her and her kids the way they do ... My only thought on that is her tunnel vision drove them away. So I take verything she says and pick it apart some day she will see the light at the end of her tunnel vision.

vivian31,

Thanks for your comments. I think an opinion and judgment-free forum would make for pretty boring and unhelpful reading.

cawfecup,

I wish I could "drive them away." I know exactly why my ex-husband cowtows to his wife - as you said right above, "money does strange things to people." He pretty much came right out and told me he left me for the money.

Thanks, cawfe. I didn't think that discussing a step-family issue that was in the news was that big of a deal.
There were discussions about Alec Baldwin's tirade with his daughter on some of the other threads.

Besides. Nobody was saying anything at all. It did stir up some conversation.

To TOS: Women sometimes marry for security and men sometimes marry for security. I'm not saying it's the best way to go, but it does happen.

I think marrying for security rather than love is a terrible idea in general, but abandoning your children to poverty in the process is far worse than merely a terrible idea.

I didn't abandon my children to poverty.

I didn't say you did. I wasn't talking about you.

You said "your children".

Apparently I should have not spoken colloquially; replace "abandoning your children" with "abandoning one's children." I thought it was obvious I was referring to my kids' father, since that is whom I was discussing in my previous post, and to people in general.