Are you wrong?..... it depends on your perspective.

Jealousy of any kind (although human), will get you a whole lot of nothing in a very short time. Unlike you, I believe my problem with my fianchas been the non-involvement of both parents with their children. The kids have been used as tools to weld against each other for all of their little lives. The result is two children that are unable to properly socialize in our world, unprepared to any extent for life on their own, and an inability to self-analyze any wrong doing (no concept of right or wrong). I know you are aware that these are extremely important character traits in any young adult and without them; a life of a hardship is just around the corner.

I can understand your concern about the "number" of calls your fiancé is getting from his x. I might be a bit concerned too unless, I knew why. Is he sharing with you the reasons for the calls? Or is he trying to keep everything to himself. If the latter is true, then I do not think you are having inappropriate feelings. The problem could be one of trust on his part to share with you, and the ability to respect any opinions you may have on the issues. Have you explained this to him?  is he aware that you are feeling this way? In his defense, he may believe he has valid reasons for his actions. YouÂll need to listen and be understanding of his feelings. If he loves you heÂll find away to change this and include you if only in a follow-up manner. If you love him; youÂll find away to be understanding, patient, and kind about it without compromising your integrity.

I do not personally have a problem, especially in todayÂs society, with men or women who divorce and remarry, even three or four times depending on the reasons for the divorce, with the understanding that we all have valid opinions of what the "cut off number" should be. Too many marriages (without extreme reasons to do so), means the individual finds it too easy to just walk out than to work out the issues. Who wants to invest their life with someone so easy to jump to the next best thing in their opinion??

I do believe you are experiencing some unresolved issues in your own life that will require you to take a good look at yourself, and honestly deal with those unresolved hurts. This has nothing to do with your xÂs or your future partners. If we all were honest with each other, we all can find ourselves in a place where someone has hurt us, that hurt was never healed, and our new partner is left to deal with our pain. So unfair to our partner but true. In your situation, you must confront the circumstances, which are making you feel this way with your partner in a loving, respectful manner. Together you both might be able to work out an agreeable compromise. My partnerÂs x calls here to speak to her kids very little, I only wish she would do it more often. I wish she would spend more time with my partner so the two of them could really start seeing their children together and working to heal the pain they have caused them. I wish they had a mutually respectful relationship where they would call each other to address problems together when the kids are with her and visa-versa. I have spoken to my partner about this and suggested he even take her to dinner to discuss the kids. It hasnÂt happened because "they" have not dealt with each others unresolved issues. There still in "pay back mode", and in realty only hurting themselves. Funny, when I got involved with him (before I really knew the way things were), I actually thought this was naturally occurring, and acceptable behavior.

As far as, his involvement with his x regarding his children and schoolÂI do believe these are inappropriate feelings on your part for the following reasons (my opinion only)... 1. They are his and her children not yours and his. 2. The children need his and her involvement with them, itÂs not about your needs its about their needs. 3. In actuality, the more appropriate input they have with each other regarding the kids, the easier your relationship will be on you. 4. You should have been willing to accept his continued involvement with his x at whatever "appropriate" extent before you chose to fall in love with him. You do not marry a person; you marry into a family, which includes a former spouse. ItÂs a package deal, and the weak of heart should stay with partners that have no children from previous relationships, if they can not accept the xÂs (mothers/fathers) continued involvement for the rest of the couples lives. Not just until the kids turn 18 . This where I am (making this decision), not because of the involvement or overly involvement but lack thereof. As I said are you wrong? I guess it depends on your perspective. Think about it. - Ranay

Given your history with your own ex, I can see why you'd feel extremely nervous. But that is your problem. And you need to find a way not to make it your new man's problem. Talk to him about it so that he understands where you're coming from, and ask for his help in dealing with your own insecurities. Jealousy, insecurity, and a lack of trust can kill a relationship, and if this man is the love of your life, do whatever it is you need to do to get your own feelings under control. Has he ever done anything that should give you reason not to trust him?

Remember also that you're talking about two different exes. Two different relationships that ended for (hopefully) two different reasons. Has he ever said or done anything to make you think he wants to rekindle either relationship?

For the ex who calls all the time, does it annoy your man? Or does it appear to please him that he's still needed? You could certainly tell him you think the number of calls is excessive, and ask him how many calls he would consider reasonable in an average week. But only if you can do it calmly. If you come off like a jealous, insecure woman, you'll be the loser.

IMO, it really isn't appropriate for you to insert yourself into his children's school affairs if their mother and father are able to take care of that without you. The kids have two parents who are involved with them and their educations, and that is as it should be. Inserting two new partners (who may or may not be permanent) into a system that is working just isn't wise. Trust me on this -- I've been through that, and it's a sure-fire way for YOU to really tick off the children's mother, and that won't help anyone.

Thank you two very much for your imput! I really appreciate it.
The last couple of appointments they have had, the mother's fiance has been there as well. I agree with you completely sweeby, however, I don't feel like I am "inserting" myself for insecure reasons only. I truly do want to be involved with what is going on with his children. After all, he is talking about marriage.

As far as being afraid to tick off the children's mother - I would hate to do that! However, I would think that she would be happy with my involvement considering that I want to support her child and communicate with her. Being a woman that is with a man (her fiance) that also has childrn knows that for the most part she probably spends more time with his children with homework, ect. I do understand where you are coming from, but I'm also a mother and I wish my ex lived closer so that he and his girlfriend or fiance (hopefully someday) could be there in support of my son. The more the merrier. Unfortunately his father lives in a different state, so it is difficult for this to happen.

I reread my post, and I do sound very insecure. I do not portay that to my fiance because I know that it does and can ruin relationships and its not his fault I am insecure.
Thanks Ranay! I completely agree with you as well. However, I still do not understand this : 2. The children need his and her involvement with them, its not about your needs its about their needs.

It is about their needs,not mine. You are right. And like I stated above - I want to be there for the children, and it is NOT soley based on my needs. I do realize that I am a bit insecure because of my past and you are right that I need to address these issues. I also dont understand your first point :1. They are his and her children not yours and his.
I believe that when a person marries someone with children, they should treat them like they are theirs. I am not saying that I want to make important decisions,ect. However, I believe that when you marry someone that you are also marrying the children as well. This means feeding, clothing, homework, support....ect. So does the child understand why you are not supporting them with teacher conferences, ect? If they are his children and not mine, then you are saying I shouldn't go to their plays or sports for support?

I would love my fiance and my ex to both be involved with my child's school, appointments, ect., because I know they both help him with these issues and I believe they both should be involved. I guess I just don't understand the big issue with all being involved?

Since I've posted, my fiance did invite me to a meeting he needed to go to. Everything went very well, although, the mother wasn't very thrilled to see me there. However, I believe it would be childish of her not to be. After all, she includes her fiance as well.
Does anyone agree with me?

Sweeby, it sounds like we are on completely opposite sides of the spectrum! I can understand how frustrating that would be.... It really does tell me that there is a fine line with this issue. I do however feel that if your mate was spending ALOT of time with his 2 exes and not including you and inviting you to be involved that you would be a little bothered with it. Especially if you do most of the work at home.
I appreciate your advice! It is always nice to hear others' opinions. Sometimes we need a reality check and another person's perspective to see things differently.

zlisaz,

You are right. You do need to be involved in activities because if you marry him , yes you marry his kids. You will be involved in alot of their activities. I am with my two sk. BUt a little warning. The ex was not thrilled because of jealousy and she will accuse you of interfering. In her mind its fine that her fiancee is there because its her children and she gives him permission. She considers you an outsider. This is exactly what happen to me when i was with my husband at the beginning. i thought she would be happy with my involvment. In fact, i thought exactly like you. She has her fiancee there too at the school. But as time went on, it was ok for her fiancee husband to be there but not me. So yes, it did turn childish of her. And it can turn so quickly!!
Now my husband ex is extremely jealousy of me. Throws any homework that is done here withme etc..etc.. her oldest child faught with her to keep a project. Even the teacher got involved and told her to back off.
But yes, try to keep open communication, and keep it civil for the kids. Ifyou can manage to work all together for the benefit of all the kids that is healthy for you, for everyone involved. ITs rare that is does work that way but you may have a chance with this situation. If she looked a bit pist that you were there, you can choose to speak with her on those matters. You can assure her you are not there to take her place but for support of your husband and their kids. Tell her she is the mother and she will be in charge with her husband on school decision and whatever decision they decide you will support. This way no one is stepped on.
I know i can get territorial at times too. So i dont blame the ex of my hubby but in my case she is not over the divorce at all. Its been 6 years and everything he does is alway wrong. Or she tries to find things. Its unfortunate but its happening.
Good luck to you with everything! Its great you want tobe involved and be there for your new family.:)

zlisaz, If your man has given you no reason to not trust him you should keep reminding yourself of that. I have some of the same thoughts, but remind myself that my DH is trustworthy. You are not alone and becuase of your past I can see how this would be an issue. My adult stepchildren have gotten (set up the situation) my DH alone with their mother (his ex)for no real important reason many times and with other single women his age. It upsets me, but I know in my heart DH loves me and I need to trust him. Nothing has become of these meetings and I need to remind myself of this. It just upsets me that adult stepchildren need to do this. I am totally disconnected from my ex and I never see him anymore because we have no children together. (My ex had may affairs so I have many of the same past feeling you have.) If I talked with DH about this subject I know he would not understand because he does not have to deal with this situtaion from me. I real feel that since these step children are adults there should be very little reason for DH's ex and him to meet alone. I can see it is necessary for certain special step children occasions, graduation, weddings,health related concerns, etc. But not for other things or just because the stepchildren set up the situation. What do you or others think of this?

I think once the children are adults there is no reason to have be there at every given moment. I'm the type of person that needs space and alone time as well. So i dont like having someone stuck to my hip every moment ofthe day.
When my sk become adults i wont attend every occasion. Unless its a wedding or baptism etc...I guess some people are worried that if yo dont attend especially when its a setup from one ofthe sk that you are snubbing them. I'm so damn tired of hearing cr*p like that. ITs a bunch of BS if you ask me. I dont attend every family event thathappens. Its my choice . i'm an adult. If i want to do somethign else on that day, like gardening..or go fishing, i will not attend a family gathering.

Please let me clarify what I meant by "inserting yourself" -- (and here, we're going a bit into my history...)

What I meant by inappropriately "inserting yourself" was scheduling special teacher conferences (without Biomom), taking an active volunteer role in the school, showing up unannounced for lunches with my son, and not correcting school personnel who assume that Stepmom is also the child's Biomom. My son's Stepmom did that, and I'll have to admit, I felt pretty territorial... I considered that inappropriate, and told her so.

I certainly would not consider attending Parents' Nights, school plays, sporting events, regular parent/teacher conferences -- things of that nature, as "inserting yourself" into your stepkids' school life in an inappropriate way. IMO, that's totally appropriate and falls into the supportive role that you rightfully should play. So by all means, go the the school's parent events!

"I believe that when a person marries someone with children, they should treat them like they are theirs. I am not saying that I want to make important decisions,ect."

This is a fine line. Yes, on the one hand, you should treat them like they're yours. But on the other hand, you really have no 'legal rights', or even much in the way of natural 'parental rights' unless both parents and the stepkids agree. If either natural parent decides you should not be able to discipline the kids, or if the kids themselves feel you should not be able to discipline them -- then you're in for a rough road, undermined at every turn...