First of all, SAVE any phone messages or written docs that in any way indicate that he is not of sound mind and/or she is controlling situation. Copy docs. The next time you visit, if you can afford give them a gift cert for a dinner out and COPY this stuff.

Then consult an attorney.

I wonder if she is leaving the planner in plain sight on purpose, knowing (or hoping) that you were going to read it. Why on earth is she keeping a diary anyway, at her age? Doesn't she have anything better to do, like take care of your father?

I was thinking the same thing that she left it there on purpose, so if you did say something to your dad she can turn around and say "See! I told you Serenity was up to no good!" But I am ever the pessamist.

I think in this situation, the most important thing is that you preserve your relationship with your father since time is limited. I would try really hard to arrange some one on one tim so you two can just visit and enjoy each others company. Maybe offer to take care of him a few evenings a week to give your SM time to run errands etc.

I would think if she is his primary caregiver she would welcome the chance to have a little break. If she refuses to let you see your father, then I would definately consult legal advice.

Whatever her intentions, don't let it come between you & your dad any more than necessary. I suspect she is afraid you will challenge the will. People get ugly when loved ones die and leave a sizeable estate.

I feel very bad for you, but wouldn't believe much from that diary. I think if it was really something she wanted to keep private she would not have left it so out in the open where anyone can get to it.

Very sad situation.

Actually, I was thinking the same thing. For a woman who is, in your own words, extremely sneaky and two faced to leave something like that laying around seems very 'set up'. I mean of all things to leave laying around not once but twice I doubt she would "accidentally leave a planner with negative things written in it.... it sounds like she is setting you up and waiting for her own justification. See she is going through my things .. she is out to get me ... blah blah blah. I would follow KK advice and copy it, save it, write it down and consult an attorney from there ... make sure dad is protected and yourself if need be.

I wonder if she is setting you up as well. Not only that, but I've noticed that these type of people almost always know how you are going to react or not react and what the implications of that mean for you.

IMO, I would try to get some alone time with Dad and express your feelings about your relationship with him. I understand he is sick, but you don't have to bring up your SM. You can just say that you feel maybe there is a way you can help him more or that you feel that you are not as close to him and want to express how much you want to be close to him, but you are not sure how. Take from him what you will, but you have tried.

On the SM note, it also worries me that she said "we." Who is we? I don't think it is your Dad. Maybe it is some paranoia...but if you can afford a private investigator I would look into it.

Either she is obsessed and has some crazy psycho thoughts about you (which is scary) or she knew you snooped the first time so the next time you came she set you up) which is freaky too...
Or she doesn't want you to inherit anything when your Dad does pass so she is trying to note everything she can...
all above scenarios are scary....somethings wrong with that lady...
Protect yourself and make copies like the other ladies suggested...

Lastly, and most terrifyingly, I am thoroughly freaked out by the possibility of SM thinking it's in any way acceptable to withold such crucial, life-or-death information from me about my Dad's health,

I don't think you actually learned anything new here (regardless of the possibility of a set-up). They didn't tell you about the surgery before. They might not tell you again. Not trying to scare you about the possibility, but if you are worried about it, you do have the ability to bring up the subject without saying anything about reading the planner, but based on what happened the last time that you didn't know anything until after the fact, you can certainly have a conversation with dad about how you'd rather know and that you're worried about him regardless, he's really not saving you worry by not telling you these things, or however you want to phrase it.

my random thought just now was that if dad does call you when she is not around and you really suspect the only reason you were not told was because of her.... you could do something like get a beeper (which should be ridiculously cheap since they are almost out dated at this point) and tell him if anything at all happens surgery etc pick up the phone dial a number and put ..whatever secret code you two come up with. That way you know what is going on and can hop the next plane or car ride to get to him. That avoids ease dropping conversations and may give him the out he needs to be able to contact you. I know this all seems terribly ridiculous and under handed almost ... but if my dad were sick and well on his death bed I would want to know if I needed to be there... actually I would say to hell with whatever and I would camp on his door step if need be...

she wanted you to read it. just to upset you and maybe to make sure you stop coming with visits. i don't think you need her permision to come visit your dad though, but it is entirelly possible that she will not tell if somehting bad happens to your dad. I do not know what you could do. i am not sure what legal measures you could take...maybe if she has children and you know them maybe you have an agreement that they will keep you posted if somehting happens wiht dad?

I agree with everyone that you should probably protect yourself, make copies and hire an attorney, but just don't let her catch you in the act. That being said, I am sorry about your situation.

My mom is in the dying process too, in hospice, and it's just $hitty. She and I never had a great relationship because she had many severe emotional problems. She was actually a terrible mother, great homemaker, but terrible, terrible mother. Nonetheless, she is the only mom I have and the only family member I have left. In spite of her mistreatment of me, I will miss her. It's been difficult at times, but over the past year I have really made an effort to improve and make the best of my relationship with her. I strongly urge that you do the same with your father. Send him cards, share photos with him, and try to find out when his wife is out of the house so that you can call him w/out someone monitoring him - you know what I mean.

I'm not really sure what it is you want to do or why you want to mention anything. If you are afraid for your relationship with your dad, you have visited at least twice that you mentioned. So I don't know how the relationship is jeopradized because you didn't say you cannot talk to him or visit and didn't say you attempted other visits but was not allowed. If you are concerned about inheritance he isn't obligated to leave you anything and is totally in this woman's clutches so you can probably forget about that. If you want to be told at the time he passes nothing he can do or say will make her tell you so I don't see the point of mentioning it to him in his fragile state. I guess I'm not sure what you want to accomplish.

As others said, she knows you read the book the first time and the second time. I will even bet she set you up to read it and she knows because she placed it in a certain position or put a speckle of dust on it that told her you moved it. I roomed with a lady who was like this. She always thought she was slick. Get a camera phone the next time to take pictures. At least you will have evidence of undue influence. I don't know if you will have a case but the evidence in hand is great.

I'm sorry that your dad is so gravely ill. The SM sounds like a witch, but your father is solely responsible for the relationship he has with you. It seems he is letting you down. Maybe it's because he doesn't feel well. You can not talk him into acting a different way. It is not your SM's fault, even if she is the biggest psycho in the world. Your dad is doing what he wants. It's easier for you to be mad at your SM in this situation, than to be disappointed in your father.

Lola,

Excuuuuse me. I beleive the Dad is ill. Elderly are frequently subject to controlling treatment by people they live with. In this case, I think that is happening.

As I have found out with my stepdaughter, it's much easier to blame the stepmother than to admit the bio parent doesn't want the kind of relationship the child does.

What I find interesting is that the dad called the mom and told her not to tell their daughter of a surgery until after it was over. It's easy to say stepmom orchestrated it and it may be too painful for a child to accept that their parent says or does some of the things they do.

I had nothing to do with my stepdaughter's mom leaving, but she is certainly angry about it and directs her anger at me. Of course I have my own opinion on the situation and if i write it in a journal and say how I'm glad she moved away and if my stepdaughter read my journal and got angry that I felt that way, then it's her own consequence to reading someone's journal. If I read her journal and she says she hates me in it, then whatever feelings I get from that are my own fault. We are both entitled to feel or think what we want and write it in a journal. I'm sure the notes added a year later were added because she knew her privacy had been violated and she figured it would be read again. She was right.

Hi, all--

I appreciate your responses. And I think the consensus is that the planner was left out on purpose, which was pretty much what I was thinking anyway. It's definitely the case that she attempts to upset me in hopes of prompting an emotional reaction out of me of any kind, because unfortunately past experience has shown that whenever I raise the slightest bit of concern or emotion about anything she does, question it or her in any way, even the most valid of concerns and even in the most diplomatic and respectful way I know how to discuss it, the end result is always a histrionic meltdown on her end, followed by an angry blow-up from my Dad, and I end up the "wrong", ejected, thoroughly-invalidated outcast. So she seeks to recreate this situation whenever possible, especially on my visits b/c she knows emotions are harder to keep a lid on when you're physically IN the situation, and on their 'turf'...

Another thing happened on that last, most recent trip that relates to my having peeked into the planner and to the pattern of SM deliberately trying to set me up to get upset. I'll give a bit of background first and then get to the specific incident. My visit was only scheduled to be about 8 full days long. SM ---for the first time ever in her life--- took the time off work to be there while I was there, I presume to keep a watchful eye on things and limit my one-on-one time with my dad. (It wasn't, you know, because she loves my company so much.) My dad only has so much energy in a given day, or in a given week. Since SM doesn't cook, doesn't "do" grocery shopping, unless begged to do so and certainly not while I visit, and doesn't clean, all of that stuff is left to my terminally ill father to do ---yes, still--- and of course I help or completely take that stuff over when I visit, so just keeping up with the everyday chores of life already sucks up a good deal of his energy these days. So on this last trip, about midway through it, my dad mentions to me how SM thought it might be a good thing for he and I to clean "her room" together while I'm here. "Her room", to give some background, is the second bedroom in their house which was long ago designated as such ("her room") instead of them using it as a guest room, and it happens to be the only room in the house with comfortable seating since my dad's antiques business incorporates the furniture in the house which, though wonderful and historic, is not so comfortable. Especially since my Dad has been sick, but even before, this has tended to be the room where everyone congregates b/c it's got the comfy seating and also a tv. My Dad spends a lot of time in there (which is why I agreed to clean it when he mentioned this) but she still refers to it as "my room" (meaning hers) and it is almost always filled to capacity with piles of junk to the point where it's hard to find a spot to put a cup down. So anyway, she apparently thought that me going through and sorting out, boxing up, wiping down and cleaning up all her piles of s**t was a great way for me to spend my limited time with my father. (Also vacuuming up kitty litter granules and bat-s**t in the attic, which is also mostly "hers" because that's where she keeps alot of her clothes, etc.) I never have and never would mind doing "chores" on my visits, most especially now that my dad is sick, but based on my relationship with SM, it was of course very wierd to be asked to clean up her junk. And she was stunned when I actually commenced to doing all this (and doing it WELL, "TLC Clean Sweep"-style, & meaning business with separate piles like 'papers', 'health & beauty items', 'catalogs', 'office suppiles', etc., w/o resorting to childish tactics like breaking or losing anything "accidentally" like I was at moments very tempted to do). She kept saying "I didn't expect you were going to do this" and b*tching that she couldn't find anything, even though it had all been rationally sorted out in like groups, etc. (Yes, she actually attempted on numerous times to pitch one sort of fit or another ---including crying, stomping, and plenty of sighing--- to complain that I'd actually done what she asked, but I just ignored it, except for when I finally asked her, after the 18th time she attempted to start s**t over it: "if you didn't expect me to do it, why did you ask me to?")

So anyway, it was quite obvious to me that she was shocked and amazed that I actually did this because she was banking on me getting outraged at being asked to clean up all her crap on my visit to my Dad and it leading to a fight that would end with my emotional expulsion from the family unit. I mean, I already knew that, but here comes the wierd part, and the part that plays into the aforementioned snooping. That night, not too long after I turned in for the evening (in my little corner of the room across the hall, which is my dad's office and which has no doors and hence no privacy, where I have always slept, on an air mattress on the floor), the two of them were in that room, "her room", talking and making no attempt to lower their voices (I'm not sure whether they thought I was asleep or not) and she, sighing, started in with: "Gee, Serenity really got into cleaning the room, I guess", and my dad was like: "yeah, she kicked a$$, didn't she?" and SM said (AGAIN): "I really didn't think she'd do it" and then there was some of the conversation I didn't hear, but then my dad said something like "I would have thought she'd have taken her time and snooped..."

The whole thing was REALLY WIERD. And of course, ironic, because I'd already done my snooping by the time I'd started the cleaning. I am not sure whether the thing I was being set up to find was the day planner or something else, but it was of course bizarre to hear MY DAD saying he thought I would snoop... I already know that he behaves in a different way and says different sorts of things when he is alone with me vs. with me in her presence, and I guess now I can assume this also extends to when he is alone with her. I have become aware that ***to some extent*** he is testing limits and loyalties with both of us, perhaps hypervigilant with both of us about 'intentions' and possible manipulations, because I think that's what happens in blended families where everyone doesn't always get along, especially when something like a terminal illness dredges up everyone's anxieties about each other (and his own anxieties). So it didn't SO MUCH shock me (though maybe a little) to hear him apparently "side" with her like "wink wink, I thought Serenity would do x, y, or z" like they set me up together... I mean, yes, that is wierd enough, but I am too familiar with the back-and-forth divided loyalty dynamic to be overly shocked by that. It is also a WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL of wierdness that their little exchange ---in itself--- was likely arranged for me to "snoop" or overhear, since they made no effort to lower their voices, i was right across the hall in a room with no doors and I'd only said "goodnight" to them like 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. I guess the questions that still hang in the air have to do with what exactly they were hoping I'd "snoop" and see, and why, and of course to what extent my dad is simply "playing along" with her or to what extent he is able to see the tragically hurtful irony of his being yoked into some sick-a$$ game at his own daughter's expense... Perhaps I'll never know. Anyway, I just shared this part because I think it illuminates the issues I mentioned earlier, I guess I'm just not 100% sure how? In any event, the entire situation is pretty darn bizarre and alarming.

I've been thinking about this thread for some time, but never really knew what to say. It's certainly a messy situation -- But all I can say is this.

Serenity, as you already know, StepMom doesn't like you, and there's probably absolutely nothing you can do to change that. If you're nice, you're being manipulative. If you're not nice, you're being a witch. If you're anything in between, it'll be twisted into whatever the StepMother is already inclined to believe. You can't make her like you. You can't make her trust you. So don't waste your time or emotioinal energy trying to figure her out or trying to outmaneuver her. You might be able to make her lose, but that still wouldn't let you win. Your father is in her care (and/or in her 'clutches') and anything you do that distresses her will pass through to your father, distressing him.

At this point, all you can do is try to have a good relationship with your father for the time you've got left. I'd try to visit as much as you can. Focus on his needs and his comfort, and on the good times you've had together. You can certainly ask for some time alone with him -- but DON'T use that time to pry into his relationship with StepMother or to criticize StepMother's treatment of you. If SM is as awful as you think, she'll be listening and things will get worse. If not, then it will distress your father but accomplish nothing. Ask if there's anything you can get for him or do for him, but get no more specific than that.

Sweeby,

That is good advice, and it is what I've been trying to do. I'm all too aware of the hopelessness of the situation b/n me and SM, by now too used to the idea that at times even my own father apparently gets into playing along with her twisted little games, to the point where actual emotional honesty and real conversation is not only impossible but even dangerous. I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no control over anything that is said or done when I am not around, and thus will have virtually no ability to counteract the inordinate influence that she has on him, and I have had to make my peace with that, as well as make peace with the total uncertainty of the whole situation, with the most hurtful part being the uncertainty of what my own father even truly feels (or knows) about me, his own daughter, and knowing that simply because I am the daughter of a woman who he is now divorced from, and simply because he was never my custodial father, and simply because the woman who he has chosen to partner up with has (in my opinion and in the opinion of many others) less than good intentions, that the relationship between he and I has been doomed to skewed misunderstandings all around and can never be what it might have been otherwise. All this hurts so much, but I have had to make peace with it, and I've made the decision to keep loving my dad regardless of how much this hurts or how hard it is sometimes to even muster up the courage to venture into the hornet's nest even by phone, every phone call risking hearing some abruptly upsetting news, or being put on the spot in soem kind of "test", accidentally saying something that months or years later will be twisted around on me in the worst possible way, or even just the hollow pain of a small-talk conversation which can't be anything but that because SM is in the room (which I can always tell because my Dad acts like a different person: cold, terse, formal) and he's in such a nervous hurry to get off the phone that I can't even finish a sentence.

So I have already made peace with all of this, already have vowed to hold my tongue on so many things and focus on the positive, all of that. Vowed to bend over backwards to be cordial and not give the slightest reason for her to find fault. But it remains that she will ALWAYS find fault because it's what she wants to do, because she WANTS conflict because in any conflict SHE WINS and I LOSE. So each visit I have to brace myself and try to ignore or deflect the at least 30 attempts she'll make in the week-long visit to upset me, orchestrating situations that end up being impossible choices with a "winner" and a "loser" instead of a mature compromise, instead of peaceful resolution, it always has to escalate to The Next Level of "retaliation", and "the score" is never "even" for her, no matter how many "points" she scores at my expense. (And I get blamed for "causing stress" or "drama"! Even if I suck it up and say nothing... so it's just like my VERY EXISTENCE itself, the fact that I require any consideration whatsoever, let alone ---gasp!--- COMPROMISE, is "drama".)

So my remaining struggle is simply just keeping my head, keeping control of my emotions, and avoiding the minefields. In this regard, maybe, yes, it was a mistake for me to snoop. But that's another reason it's hard: am I also supposed to accept that she's just TAKEN OVER? To the extent that it's all totally up to her and her twisted little caprices about whether I will even be informed when my dad passes away or has life-endangering surgery? And I'm supposed to accept that all this is just peachy and okay with my dad because he has been made to "choose" and that automatically means he is somehow obliged to sell my a$$ down the river forever, as some kind of "proof" or loyalty oath to satisfy this woman's sick and bottomless ego and compulsive need to be "more important"?

This is where it gets hard: the lengths she has ALREADY gone to are so extreme that it makes me terrified about what will be next, to the point where I feel like I have to find out however I can, for the sole purpose of not having the shock of my life every month, like I would if I were not already having to be in the habit of anticipating her next three "moves" beforehand. Which I do because if I didn't, it would be a fresh, devastating h3ll with every month, with every one of her "tests", all of which I would "fail" were I not "prepared" for them. And the only way I know how to be "prepared" is to anticipate what she will pull next week, next month and next year... which unavoidably requires that I have to think about the situation, and HER, and how she will attempt to f**k it up so I can avoid the agony of being crushed by it every single time.

So I see what you're saying, Sweeby, and I agree with it. And I'm already much farther along in the "acceptance" path and in "keeping a level head no matter WHAT is thrown in my direction" than I even thought I could be a year ago. But there are still those aspects that are hard, you know what I mean? When you're dealing with someone who actively CREATES CONFLICT, it's harder than when the conflict is more "natural", or when the other other person also wants to avoid it...

"Which I do because if I didn't, it would be a fresh, devastating h3ll with every month, with every one of her "tests", all of which I would "fail" were I not "prepared" for them."

Tests for what? What happens if you fail them? :^)

You aren't living with these people, why does it even matter? You can go visit your dad for an afternoon every week if you want to. Next time you eavesdrop on their conversations go jump on their bed and ask them what that was all about. Why the furtiveness?

You never say anything about your dad. Where are the old memories, the slides, the things you always wanted to say but never got around to until now.

You are unhealthily focused on SM to the point of obsession and I really don't know why. Is this all about inheritance? Why would you even care if she doesn't like you? Do you think you like her?

Colleen,

I guess the reason that I may seem "unhealthily obsessed" about what my SM says or does is that she makes it a point to insert herself in between my Dad and I in every conceivable way and at every opportunity, and she usually does this by becoming upset at something I have said or not said, done or not done, to the point of distraction and total derailment of any given moment in which she is present. Her whims change plans, her needs and desires force choices that wind up becoming direct obstacles and sabotage in the connection I have with my dad. She answers his phone, reads (and often writes) his email, inserts herself into every conversation and incessantly turns it around on herself. If she ever lets me get a word in edgewise it's mainly to "get information" or to twist around what I say. So that even if I try to 'tune her out', she makes it exceedingly difficult to do so, on purpose. I feel more like she is the one with the unhealthy obsession and I am put in the position of having to constantly ignore, deflect, or counterbalance her interference. Which is hard to do without maintaining awareness of her existence. She won't let me or anyone forget it!

And as for why all of this is such a concern in general, it's greatly exacerbated now because of the fact that my Dad is dying at this time and I'm being discouraged from living anywhere near him. As for the "old memories, slides", etc., they get hidden away as if I don't exist! And memories are increasingly hard to keep alive, especially any memory that does not include SM, and anything discussed that doesn't include her is swiftly turned around to include her. And as for "all those things I always wanted to say", I find I can't even share many of the positive emotions without there being some sort of problem on the other end. And don't let's even begin to discuss negative emotions... Lately when I dare make the mistake of sharing the slightest bit of my feelings of depression and impending loss with my dad (who says he wants to hear them and be there for me to discuss them with), there's SM to insinuate that her loss will be greater and that her problems are worse. So I acn't even talk about that without her insinuating herself, turning it into a competition, and invalidating anything I feel to the point that it's almost useless to share anything.

As for what happens if I 'fail her tests': at best, increased distance/alienation from my dad and at worst, my ejection from being able to see him again.

Colleen, this is an incredibly difficult experience which if you've never experienced it, or never experienced being a child of divorce in general (don't know if that's true for you in particular or not), I don't know if you can fully understand. Try to imagine your parent ejecting you from their life based on misunderstandings and misrepresentations that have been enflamed by a third party who pulls all the strings and expects you to be gone and a total non-issue just because they now have a ring on their finger. Imagine this is going on now that the parent has a terminal disease and is not expected to live more than a few years, if he's lucky. Imagine not knowing for sure whether your parent even loves you, or to what extent he has been brainwashed by another person into not even wanting you around. Imagine somebody making your parent choose you or them and your parent having to agonize over this. Imagine not knowing how this will get worse and fearing that your parent will die havingbeen made to believe you don't care or just aren't a worthy person or that you don't love them. Imagine your parent dying with YOU feeling like they died not wanting you around, or not loving you. This is very difficult stuff, when this involves formative relationships, and when it reaches a head when the parent is dying. It might be easy for you to ignore it or walk away, but I admit it is not easy for me. on the other hand, if you have been through this, I'd welcome your solid advice on how to cope.

I have been thinking about this and it is a bit weird, and we are only hearing one side of the story. I think there is more to the story than we are hearing. If you looked at her daily planner, you probably went through her other personal items. Why stop at her planner? Did you look for the will? If my husband found out that one of his kids went through our personal stuff he would not let them in our house again. A child who loves you doesn't do that. Your Dad may just sound wishy washy because he is uncomfortable about not telling you about surgery. When my husband had by-pass surgery, he didn't want me to tell his kids, quite frankly he didn't want them there.

Starr, there is a lot of history here with a SM trying to keep her adult SC from contact with dad. Serenity -- best of luck.

Serenity, I don't know what I can say, if anything that would help. Other than that I've been through this without the terminal illness part.

My father and stepmother are divorcing now and he has admitted to believing her "evaluations" of me that he now knows are false. But it doesn't take away the pain of the years I was accused of being something I wasn't.

When you overheard that conversation between your SM and Dad just smacks to me of a Dad brainwashed.....and sick. He doesn't have the faculties right now and she is who he relies upon.

I'm sorry, there isn't anything I can say or anyone else here that can say anything to make it go away. In my opinion you've got the situation nailed down for what it is. Now is the time to decide what is best for YOU. Yes, YOU.

Hi, I'm brand new to this forum, but I have a suggestion, Serenity, that might help you get some peace of mind about your father's health ... and being informed.

As you know, the medical field is not allowed to share any medical information to anyone, including family members, without the patient's written permission. Your father needs to sign a HIPA form granting you permission for his individual doctors and the hospitals, etc., to share information with you. Most of these HIPA forms are valid for only a couple of months -- but you might be able to have your father sign for INDEFINITE access. Remember, too, that each provider needs their own HIPA form.

Now, your father must request these forms (usually he can get them at each doctor's office when he checks in or registers) and he needs to complete them with your personal information.

Perhaps you can explain to Dad that you are concerned about him, that because of the distance, etc., and the strict laws nowadays, it would make you feel more comfortable if you could get access for yourself, and this would "make it easier for your StepMother" to not have to worry about explaining everything.

Your father might go along with that, and you might want to have your Mother sign HIPA papers for you, too. (And you sign HIPA papers so your mother can obtain medical information about you if/when she might need it.) In this day and age it's really very frustrating to not be able to know what's going on with a family member UNLESS they've given permission for the docs to share with you.

Maybe this might help one small aspect of your concerns ... and you won't have to depend upon your StepMother or worry about your father's condition.

Just a thought. Kathy

Hi serenity, I enjoy reading your posts as I see in you a deeply thoughtful person.

You are right, I have no idea what it feels like because I have been without parents since I was five.

However, I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would want to keep a parent away from a child or a child away from a parent or any other configuration thereof. But I do recognize that it happens and I have seen people do some remarkably hateful things particularly when money is involved. That is why I asked if this about the inheritance. Is your stepmother trying to make sure you don't get anything? What possible motivation could she have for driving a wedge between you and your father?

Serenity-

This is really sad to read because my own mother is dying right now and it is a difficult situation under the best of circumstances. Sounds like your SM might be narcissistic - a quick read is "Why Is It Always About You".

More importantly you mention that family photos, slides and mementos are stored. Ask your father if you can make copies of these things or if he will let you have them. If your SM is truly as hate filled toward you as you describe, then she will toss them in the trash after your dad passes. My 90 year-old uncle in his infinite wisdom bought a movie camera in the 1950's and he filmed everything. A few years ago he had the movies trfr'd to DVD and gave a copy to me. There are home movies of my late dad, late sister, late aunts & uncles, cousins and family friends - me learning to walk. It's bittersweet to watch but I love it. Get your photos.