husband left. need advice! new gf in pic

lailie2009

16 years ago

Ok after 9 yrs of marriage and 3 children later. I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me or in love but loved me. He wants a divorce. He has never worked on any problem in the marriage which they were small problems. I did my best to be a good wife and he in my eyes was a good man. He left me 3 days after we found out I have cancer. He moved in with a female Co Worker. who was just a friend and married. Her husband moved out due to as she said cheating on her with her best friend. This girl is 21 and my husband is 29. Now my husband and this co worker are living together, working together and making a life together. My husband thinks its ok to bring our little children all under 4 yrs old over to his girlfriends 1 bedroom apartment to spend time with him and his new girlfriend. I am not seeing anyone nor do I plan to at this point But I dont see this as a good situation him wanting the children and introducing this new female into the picture at this time. They have been together for 4 weeks now

Any Ideas on this

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

finedreams
16 years ago
I am so sorry for your illness and hope you recover very soon. It is not OK to bring your children around that woman so early on. i would consult with attorney what can be done. MY SO's attorney wanted to put in his divorce agreement that minor daughter not to be around mom's BF. DD turned 18 when divorce was final so there was no need, but lawyer suggested to do that. So it is possible.
organic_maria
16 years ago
Your husband is a nut case eh?
4 weeks and he wants to introduce her?
I think he's been with her more than a month from my point of view. BUt i dont think they should go over for several reasons.
1. Too soon
2. Divorce is not official
3. 1 bedroom apartment, where are the kids going to sleep, so NEVER HAVE THEM SLEEP OVER. There is no room.
4. You have cancer, which type, this should be your first priority and the kids meeting this new gf can wait ....
So tell your husband, you will not expose your kids at this point and time because of the above reasons. Visitations will be supervised.
I think you better get yourself a lawyer and make sure that he comes to visit his kids at the house and that he is not allowed to take them anywhere until the divorce is settled with all details.
What kind of cancer may i ask have you been diagnosed with? I work for the Cancer centre.
Related Discussions
New and Layout Advice (Pic included)
Q
Comments (16)
You might also consider pocket doors for the Mudroom entrance. A pair of them would echo the "paired doors" in the rest of the house and eliminate the need to accommodate any door swing. I agree with the others about considering a 36" range, I think a 48" is really too big for a kitchen this size. Is that small wall segment south of the refrigerator removable? If it is, I would remove it, move the refrigerator down to the door trim (or close to the end) on the southwest wall, and go with a larger refrigerator (or refrigerator/freezer pair), I think you will have more room overall. I would leave the DW on the right. Personally, I don't like prepping & cooking over a DW, especially if it's running or being used (loaded/unloaded/"let me just put this in/take this out"). You may not have an issue now, but when your family grows, there's a good chance things will change...including DW usage. So, plan for multiple people in the kitchen doing multiple tasks...a couple prepping, someone cooking, & someone cleaning up...all at the same time. For the sink wall, I would consider replacing the 16" cabinet with a 9" pullout and put the remaining 7" into the 22" cabinet to increase the workspace b/w the DW and sink. I would then take 3" of the 12" you saved w/the 36" range and put it into the corner cabinet. Take the other 9" and put that with the 22" + 7" to give you 22" + 7" + 9" = 38" total b/w the range and sink...a respectable prep space. Note that most likely this will be your primary Prep Zone b/c (1) it's next to a water source (important when prepping), (2) next to the range, and (3) between the range and water source. Secondary/tertiary Prep Zones will be on the counter b/w the refrigerator & range and on the island. But, since neither are next to a water source, it's very doubtful they will be your primary Prep Zone...regardless of what you "plan". (If there were a sink in the island it might become your primary Prep Zone, but I don't think it's necessary.) Island...I agree w/Palimpsest that you should increase the overhang to at least 15", preferably 18", and reduce the 21" deep cabinet to no more than 18". I would also keep the island all one level. (I can't tell for certain that it is from the layout, so I thought I'd mention it.) Window...since it's in an historic district, I'm assuming you cannot change the windows...is that correct? If not, would you consider making the window a little bit smaller to give the range hood some "breathing space" b/w it and the window? Other dimensions... It looks like the window is 78" wide and starts approx 18" from the east wall. It looks like the Mudroom doorway starts approx 48" from the north wall. The DR doorway looks like it starts approx 9" from the east wall. The larger Foyer doorway looks like it starts 6" from the south wall and is 48" wide. It then narrows down to the 37-5/8" you mention...18" from the west wall with a 15" deep wall. Are these correct? (Just a tip: When you post a layout, it's best to label all the dimensions on the layout...width of each window and doorway as well as the length of each wall segment. When there's an obstruction that cannot be moved, like the chimney and radiator, it should also be marked w/dimensions of it as well as the wall segments, etc. around it. This is explained in the "Layout Help" from the "Read Me" thread. I've linked to the entire thread, not just the "Layout Help" b/c there's so much helpful information in it.) Here is a link that might be useful: Read Me If You're New To GW Kitchens!
...See More
Problem with stepson; need advice talking to husband
Q
Comments (2)
'my husband is pretty lax when it comes to dealing with these things.' Well, he hasn't had to. So far, he's had no consequences, other than having to hear that you don't like it, but the fact that you don't like it, that it's gross & obnoxious, & that it's stressing you out hasn't motivated him to change anything. If it's okay with ex-wife, & it's okay with son, & it's okay with husband, & it isn't okay with you, & your husband doesn't make a single move to make you comfortable or happy, *you* are going to have to make the change. You're already well on your way to being the cook, maid, & general household help for this messed-up family, & it'll only get worse. People are generally on their best behavior early in their marriages; this is his best behavior. It'll get worse. better to bail early rather than invest more time & energy in a relationship in which you're the least-important thing going. I'm sorry.
...See More
We need a new refrigerator. Need ideas and advice
Q
Comments (2)
It sounds like those people may have two 36” over/under Sub Zero fridges. I had one in my former home...was still going strong at 25 years old, when we sold the house. In our new home, we put in a 42” French door SZ. Once again, terrific refrigeration. Not a lick of trouble after 4 years, unlike other brands complained about on this forum. I expect this fridge will be the long lasting workhorse our former fridge was. A big plus...Sub Zero has the best customer service in the industry. Since you stated that you and your husband are willing “to spend some money,” I urge you to find a store, where you can check them out.
...See More
Kitchen Advice New Build (first-time homebuyers; w/pics)
Q
Comments (25)
Congratulations on your first house! It will be exciting to be part of a new community that is forming. - I agree that the natural finish cabinets are a good choice, but just for your own peace of mind, find out how much the upgrade to Shaker would be. Assuming Shaker continues to be a valued classic, that could be an advantage for you one day when you sell. - About that bi-level bar island...... It might seem like a great idea for adult gatherings, but if you need to talk somebody out of that, think about the future children using it!!! It's safer for them if the surface is NOT so elevated where they will be perching. Plus, there are many advantages to a one level surface so they can spread out their big pieces of artwork, craft projects, etc. They want to be near the person working in the kitchen, so make that easy for them and their stuff. - For the counters, did you consider the leathered finishes instead of the shiney ones? It looks like there are maybe four available at the link you provided, including this one which could be a happy combo with the natural cabinetry: https://www.chbriggs.com/pub/media/chb/Venetia-Cream-Leathered.jpg It seems like non-shiney might work better in a scandi-type vibe. In general, when man-made materials are imitating stone, I think the less obvious the pattern the better, so the ways in which the imitation falls short aren't in your face! Fortunately, your choices include a really nice option without a distracting pattern: https://www.chbriggs.com/pub/media/chb/Bianco-Pur.jpg - About the drawers, it really would be so handy to have at least one stack of drawers since there are so many small things in a kitchen to keep organized. Maybe use the cabinet to the right of the sink, as I am guessing from the handle that the one to the left is the trash bin? Personally, I think pullouts are over-rated, and a big un-constructed cabinet holds more (and costs less). Maybe you could see about switching one of the two pull-outs in the standard package to a 3 or 4 drawer stack. - Finally, flooring. It's nice that the same material will be used throughout the main level! But again, you have man-made materials imitating natural ones so you would potentially have to contend with the dissonance of fake wood floors next to real wood furniture and cabinetry, not just in your kitchen but in the living room and other space. Sigh. Thinking outside the box a bit, could you step aside from the floors trying to look like wood (and not doing a very good job of it) and go with one of the tile-like options instead? Those choices are quite limited at the link you provided, and all imitating travertine, a stone with a pretty dramatic pattern. I'd ask if other flooring patterns are available and see what upcharge there might be, if any, and try to find something with a pattern that won't be trying to dominate everything else you put in the rooms. Right now the market for LVP is mostly the fake wood patterns, so finding imitations of stone or ceramic tile is hard (I went through this recently myself!), but they are out there. Find a flooring store that loans out samples so you can take a piece home to live with it for a while.
...See More
lailie2009
Original Author
16 years ago
I have kidney cancer. He is also very demanding abusive mentally emotionally and physically threatening at this time. Its like 1 day hes buying me flowers and cooking me dinner the next day he is gone. He is slacking on taking care of his prior responsibilities and can care less if we are homeless due to his inability to pay the rent here for 3 months I wasnt aware of. He uses the phone as a weapon as if he gets mad at me which hes always mad. He wont answer the kids calls to talk. He has seen them 1 hr 15 MINS in the past month. He doesnt have a cell and we have to call his gf's cell # for the kids to leave him a msg. I dont have money for a attorney and seem to have to deal with this on my own. We were served with a 30 day notice to quit and this is what he is banking on that he and his new gf get a 3 bedroom and he will be able to take the kids. He claims his free consult attorney said he would get them 50% and if we go homeless he will be able to get them perm from me
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
You *must* get legal representation;
call a woman's shelter & tell them what's going on.
They should be able to get an attorney to intervene;
maybe garnish his paycheck so that his children will have a roof over their heads.

Your city may also have a "211" (dial 211, just like you'd call 911) service where you can call to find out about resources such as medical care, food, etc.

If there's a big city nearby, there will be a bar association (here, you can call Dallas Bar Association) & ask for their lawyer referral service, & tell them that you need pro bono (free) help.

Lots of lawyers donate a certain amount of time to helping people.

& take care of yourself;
those children need you.

I wish you the best.
nivea
16 years ago
Sylvia is right, a womans shelter should be able to help you.

Also, you can still file for child support while still being married. I would call your states child support enforcement asap.

Document everything, the day he left and stopped paying bills etc. Everything you can think of, document it in a journal.
thermometer
16 years ago
Department of Social Services / Department of Human Services
Whichever it is called in your state, go there and request emergency financial assistance. They have programs to help you pay delinquent rent, moving costs, untilities, etc. Show them your eviction notice.

You have a notice to quit, but you don't have to start really worrying about it just yet. Your landlord has to take you to court first. The notice to quit is only preliminary and formality. But it is enough of a notice to let you know you have to do something and seek help. DHS may not be able to do anything until you actually receive a court-ordered eviction notice. But go there now and tell them you expect to be summonsed into court soon.

Also, when you do go to court, you will be given an opportunity to make payment arrangements if you think by that time you will be able to live up to it. If you don't think you can, then don't make any arrangements. But you will already know you can receive help from DHS once you receive an eviction notice. So while you're in court, ask for time to pay. They will give you time to pay, like 10 days or 15. You can always ask for more time. You don't have to feel bullied in court.

I realize how upset you are from the diagnosis and from your husband being a horrible jerk. I'm really awfully sorry this all is happening to you. At the moment though, you have to wipe your tears and get your head together to prevent losing your home and to prevent losing your children. There is help out there, so please don't sulk and go take care of things.

Other sources for assistance might include your local Catholic Church, St. Vincent dePaul, and the Community Action Service in your county. Most Catholic churches offer financial assistance to people in your predicament. They don't want to see women and children out on the street. Call the one near you and ask for a St. Vincent dePaul representative. Or ask for St. Vincent outreach center in your community. These are just additional sources for help that I can think of, but you probably won't need them. More than likely DSS / DHS (whatever it's called in your state) is going to help.

I wish you the very best, and please post back to let us know how it all worked out for you.

husband left. need advice! new gf in pic

Comments (6)

finedreams

organic_maria

Related Discussions

lailie2009
Original Author

sylviatexas1

nivea

thermometer

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

husband left. need advice! new gf in pic

Comments (6)

finedreams

organic_maria

Related Discussions

lailie2009Original Author

sylviatexas1

nivea

thermometer

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lailie2009
Original Author