hhhhhmmmmmm.

Although, I too, read a lot of aggression on the post of Mom110604, I also read a lot of truth. It did not bother me to her the author write what she did. Whether I personally agree with her or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is her honest feelings, and I do champion her willingness to be brave enough to do that. We now live in a world where we want hear what "we" want to hear and God help anyone who does not agree with us. Yet claim to love the freedom of speech we take so ungraciously. Before there is "speech", there is the "thought".

If I choose to write a response to her admissions, I must first consider what is best for her. What is it that I can offer that can be said without adding to the turmoil? If I cannot come up with something then maybe it is better to allow someone who can. I think the author may have touched upon a subject matter a little too close to home for some folks, and they probably need to reach deep inside and figure out what that is.

I think all of us have at one time or another if only for a moment at least had the same thoughts the author wrote about. God only knows I have. Have I acted upon it? God help me and too my shame yes. Have I thought, "I wish these kids would stay away from us, I only want our lives to be the two of us". Condemned again. It is really O.k. to have the occasional dark thought, and it is most certainly O.k. to bring these "dark thoughts" out into the light. I wish people would be real with each other more often. However, we also must accept ownership of these thoughts and see them for what they are. Are these thoughts selfishÂ?, yes. Am I a selfish personÂ?, no. Can I "be" a selfish personÂ?, yes. Can be a less selfish personÂ?, if I choose to.

Least we condemn ourselves to harshly I hope that everyone is keeping in mind that a biological parent has the same thoughts and feelings about their own children that we (stepparents) have. People are not blind to what there kids are doingÂ. they choose to look the other way. We (SP) find looking the other way (where other peopleÂs children are concerned), a little harder because they are not ours. My father used to tell me "Ranay true love does not cover "up" a persons sins (wrong doing) it simply covers "over" them". The love for the person is greater than the wrong that is committed. So it really comes down to an inability to love the person doesnÂt it? Is it O.k. not to love the personÂ? No, it is not O.k. If we want to be loved, we must love in return. Oh but love is such an abstract emotion and trying to put it in to every day actions is even harder.. hhhhmmmmÂ.choices.. choices.. choices.

I think if we would just remember two things it might make things a little easier in our minds and hearts. 1. You do not throw the baby out with the bath water, and 2. I can love this person even if I do not like this persons actions. Example my father loved his sons immensely. He spent hours of time with both of them doing all the boy things, fishing, driving, working on cars, talking, sharing, neighborhood balloon fights, making go carts, and forts, etc. Did he "love" them... yes by thought, word, and deed. Did he "like" my brothers. No. Why? They choose to be self-centered, thoughtless, ungrateful, and the list goes on. Did he deal with their actions? yes he did. In a family unit regardless of what kind of unit it may be If one member is causing by their own actions, a loss of peace within the unit, that individual must be held accountable. Give them the chances (your number of tries inserted here) to change, and make amends if necessary. If the individual who is causing the lack of peace chooses to continue with the destructive behavior then the person should be dealt with, and as a last resort even shown the door in order to protect the integrity of the other members. I know this is difficult but, very biblical, and what any secular psychologist would inform a parent or guardian. In the case of younger children therapy lots of therapy and summer camp or grandmaÂs ...lol. Sorry.

Mom110604, if you truly love your husband then putting him in a place to choose between you and his daughter is very inappropriate. If you have not done this  good, DONÂT. This maybe a little harsh, however, these are questions I have asked myself. I think you also need to look deep inside and try to figure out why you must be the center of his world at every waking moment. Maybe you fear that you will always be second best in his life. Maybe you were robbed of love as it was meant to be as a child, and through out your life and now believe that he should "make up" for all of that loss or perhaps, you were a spoiled child and still believe that the world rotates on your bottom. IÂm guessingÂ.. you probably already know what your issues are.

As for me, IÂll share and just tell you that I cannot deal with selfish people in my life. I used to be able to, and I am now at a place in my life where I no longer have the patients. Is this selfishness on my part yes. Hypocrisy? I canÂt get well if I canÂt admit IÂm sick. I will be leaving my fiancé because of all the issues which I had no part of between his x, and his children. I do not have the patients to wade through all the baggage. It is a simple as that. However, I cannot make my fiancé choose between his children and me. It will hurt him to see me go as it will me. However, because of the dynamics in our life it has become bad enough that drastic measures must be taken for the "peace" of everyone. The kids have many problems (deep problems) the dirty bath water. I would love in this case to throw the "baby out" my selfishness, but I cannot. I do not have the ability to provide these kids the help they really need, as I have no control over them. I do have the right to have peace in my life as they do too. My fiancé can find another loveÂ. Someone who thinks and feels about things as he does. Time will permit this. He has the right to have freedom to be with his kids whenever he chooses, someone else may like his kids as they are, and want to be with them. The kids will not feel the resentment that is thick in this house. No one will have to walk on eggshells anymore. In my case, the reason and benefits of leaving have now outweighed any reasons I can think to stay. Oh and by the way the kids are not the reason I am leaving. It really comes down to my fiancé and I not being able to work all of the issues out that we have between each other. In other words, I could probably see my way past two teens that donÂt even know any better, in a lot of the case but not all but I canÂt see my past a grown man who does know better.

Any whoÂ. I hope Mom110604, finds her way to this post, and maybe she will feel she is able to share with others again. If you want to be forgiven then be able to forgive. For the rest of usÂ. Ask your self one question before you begin typingÂ. Are you talking about someone else or are you talking about you. Quote: "dear friends, the questions you ask me, tell me more about you, than any answer I could give you would tell you about me".