Forgive that this is a lengthy post, but I really need some help with this from others who have or are where I am now.
God forgive me I said it to my fiancyesterday "Either they go or I go!"
Now that the worst is out... please let me explain. I met my fiancé in October 2005, and began a short long distance relationship at a time in my life where I needed an extreme change. My father had passed away the previous February (two days after I had made up my mind to separate from my x-husband of thirteen years), the following grueling divorce, a family battler over my fathers estate between his widow (not my mother), and my sister. In this battle, I was caught up because of my legal knowledge of Florida laws, a change in career working for a Court of law. Meeting my fiancé was a breath of fresh air or at least I naively believed.
During our initial discussions, meeting, falling in love he quite proudly told me about his children, one boy  14, and one girl  14. As I am more than aware by my experience working with the Florida family courts, a blended family is a challenging aspect and one that more than not can fall in total ruin for everyone. Although I do subscribe to the loving approach, that if everyone is honest and truthful with one another and completely communicative, a blended family can be very rewarding. As I read this, I can only laugh at my ignorance.
My fiancé is not an emotionally mature man, and I did not know this until I had relocated to Michigan from Florida. However, I chalked it up to the immaturity of our relationship and thought time would provide the resources we needed to understand one another. As time went by, I realized I had step into a dark cavern where dragons slept. My first thoughts when dealing with a challenging relationship is "failure is not an option" my second thought is always "if I can just understand this person perspective then I can better see how to deal with the issues involved". I am coming up zero naught in this situation.
To the strain of my fiancés immaturity at 43, add the additional stress regarding the economic challenge of trying to find suitable employment at my experience level in Michigan (my feelings of inadequacy where this is concerned albeit I know unreasonable as I have no control over this), and then a pound of juvenile stress from two troubled teenagers. These children are in serious (my opinion) emotional turmoil, unrealistic thinking and conceptualizations, unresolved past pain and conflict, low self-esteem, and the inability to respect themselves or even know how, more over any one else, spoiled to the core and unable to view anyoneÂs else views or even care to try. Oh and add to this that my future SS just informed us (only because he was asked by me), that he believes he is gay and as of last week went from the curiosity stage to actually being caught having gay sex.
Form what I wrote above these are serious issues, and they have lead to the day-to-day turmoil of lesser issues such as, my living in a pig sty because they refuse to clean up after themselves, this includes the ability and thoughtfulness to flush the toilet, keeping there feet off the walls, cleaning up spills on carpets and furniture (by the way, all of the furniture in the house was earned and belongs to me (30K of it)). It has been one issue after another, and I feel like I am on a constant spinning wheel dealing with everyoneÂs issues at all times of the day. My peace is destroyed, and I am just waiting for the next dragon to raise its ugly head and hit me with yet another blast of fire.
Any positives yes, although no support was provided in the beginning my fiancé has begun making efforts to take his responsibilities under control where his children are concerned (after my ultimatum was giving). This is how it isÂ. I hate it and I hate talking to people that way, it is not my nature to give ultimatums unless all else has failed and lines absolutely must be drawn. In my experience it is usually the one who gave the ultimatum that must live with it directly, every one else indirectly, and they wind up playing the role of the victim instead of accurately, the instigator.
I liked to think that my fiancé is honestly realizing that whether I go or stay, his active confrontations with his children (in a loving manner) must be done. However, after eight months of this I do not believe that things will change quickly enough so that he and I can continue to mature the relationship I came 1300 miles to achieve. Any advice would be appreciated positive or negative; I really do like to hear both sides of things. I know we both now have resentment towards each other where his kids are concerned, and no doubt his children with me, as I know I have a whole lo of resentment towards all concerned. I know that I am able to forgive, and move forward, but its got to stop. I told him that when his kids go back to their mothers in the next few days that they are not to come back here unless he is here to deal with them. Over this past summer, they have literally been dumped in my lap to deal with. I believe this was unfair, and my fiancé does not seem to understand my views on any of this. So whether the small step he took will last pr not, I have no idea.
Thank youÂ. Ranay
chloemichelle
organic_maria
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