Your BF never should have gotten into a relationship until he had worked out the issues he had with his ex-wife. It's not fair to you, him, or his daughter who is emotionally invested in you now. I suggest looking into getting him some kind of counseling. Meanwhile, while it is real easy to place all the blame on the ex-wife, just remember there are two sides to every story. I mean, many many people are emotionally and physically abused and yet they are able to start new relationships and are able to utter the words "I love you" with no problem. So it just seems a little too convenient to blame the ex-wife for all the hurtful things your BF says and does. This post was edited by Amber3902 on Fri, Feb 15, 13 at 18:27

Dear lovehadley, I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you. I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce. You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are. Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win. You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long. I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically. It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week. Let your fiance read this email. Good luck.

Lazygardens, I'm sure you're not far from the truth! I have to admit I have thought many times how much easier this situation could be if he were a widow :-) Mom 2 4, regarding the divorce and length of time it has taken for the legal separation, this can be summed up in one word - finances. In Canada, you must wait one year from the date of separation to file for divorce and many couples, especially with children, considerable assets, and where there are issues of spousal support, go the route of a legal separation agreement to deal with these issues. Once the year has passed, this document can be filed with the application for the divorce and becomes the divorce agreement. These issues can also be brought before a judge, prior to a divorce and orders made with respect to child support, spousal support, the matrimonial home and the division of assets. Instead of taking their issues before a judge, they decided that they could work this out between themselves and their respective lawyers and have an agreement drawn up that would be satisfactory to both. I won't go into all of the issues that turned all of that into a nightmare, but after it became clear they could not work things out between themselves, they tried a mediator, which cost a fair bit of money and got little resolved. At that point, he now sees that he should have pursued the court option but at the time, he was already under a mountain of legal bills. Theirs was a very complicated situation financially that could have dragged on even longer in the courts. In the end, he gave in and walked away with very little. Maybe that was a mistake, and maybe it was fueled in many ways by guilt but it's what he felt he needed to do at the time and a decision he has to live with. The timing for filing for the divorce is purely financial since he will have to absorb the entire cost if he is the one filing. This may sound like a lame excuse but he is just now finishing paying all of the legal bills for the separation agreement. I think you are right in suggesting that in many ways, he has done things to encourage her behaviour. He is in no way the innocent either when it comes to his behaviour toward her and he has come to realize that the hard way. I do believe he has a lot of guilt over the break up of the family but there is no interest on his part in reconciling with her. He really just wants to try to make their relationship better so that his sons don't suffer the consequences any more. I know she will never go away and I have no doubt she will try her best to turns his sons against me. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only hope that they will form their own opinion based on my actions and my character. As for not seeing the big picture, you're wrong. I know more about the big picture than I care to at times. I did a lot of soul searching before I decided to make the step and meet his children. I knew then everything that had gone on and decided I was strong enough to handle it because I think he is worth it. I appreciate your concern and the warnings but I really do want to make this work. I posted on this site because I really need some good advice on how to proceed in slowly building a relationship with his children and some guidance so that I don't make mistakes with them that will later prove fatal. I don't want them to suffer the wrath of their mother, simply because I exist and I honestly don't know what I can do or what he can do to make that situation better. I know from reading many of the posts on this site that there are some very sad situations out there but also some rewarding successes. As a step child myself, I have experienced both and maybe that's where all my hope comes from. It's funny, but I see so much of myself in some of the teenage SD stories. I was the SD from hell for a couple of years! My step mother and father are still married 16 years later and they have a good laugh at my expense sometimes over some of my antics. I really don't know how my step mother hung in there but she did and she loved me and was there for me no matter what a little B**** I was. I have seen many posts where people have hoped that one day their step children will appreciate what they did for them and I can promise you that at least some of them will.

nicely stacked, Sweeby. :-) Lil' sis is only 2.5 years old, so no real secret keeping there. Gramdma is a)looney and b)out of town, so she isn't an option. It's either deal with mom or deal with ex step dad. We suggested to SD that we all meet at a pizza place or something for a few hours so she can see sis w/o the one on one contact with mom. SD hasn't really decided what she wants to do - she just really wants to see her sis this weekend. We told her we would support whatever she felt best with, and would do our best to make it possible. *Funny side note #2 - in SD's email back to her mom she really laid it out - told BM many things that should really have caused her to stop of think, if not crumble to pieces when she read how her daughter felt about her past actions and future potential. I said her first line was about her ex, right? Turns out the ENTIRE email was about him, and how SD shouldn't think he is a good guy because he has 'mental issues' and that's why BM "saved" SD and lil' sis from him. WTH? It's amazing that there is ALWAYS someone else to blame and someone else with issues (this is what she screamed at SD that she had the other night on the phone) and nothing is ever of her doing. my comment to SD was "Let this serve as a lesson that moving in with, marrying and making a child with a person you have known less than a year is not a good idea. Perhaps with more time to get to know the ex she could have learned about his 'mental issues'" Or perhaps BM is the common denominator with all these people and their issues??