if DS goes to dads but dad is not there and DS spends all of his "dad" time with SM, then something needs to be done about that. i would tell X that if he needs to work weekedns then maybe Ds can visit him on the weekdays instead or you have to go to court and change visitations. I don't know the law but I think if DS spends no time with dad it could be addressed. You are sending DS to dads not SM. the way she sounds her time with DS needs to be limited. If you can't do it in a peaceful negotiations talk to a lawyer about it. you have custody, right?

Where is your X in all this? If his current wife is threatening to trash his credit, it seems like it has gotten pretty acriminous. I would not be reiterating offer of her being able to attend his events. Is X trying to get better financial settlment and sacrificing DS in the meantime? I vaguely recall previous posts, but remind me/ bring me up to date. Is your X still living with his wife? If not, I would tell him visitation is only at his house. How close does he live? Can he take DS for days if he doesnt have suitable home, and return him at night?

Yes, I have custody. Ex has visitation EOW and one night a week. My problem is that ex's days off are Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I have found that the more time that DS spends at their house on school nights, the lower his grades fall. They do not communicate with me when they know about school work that could possibly need finished while at my house nor do they make sure that his homework is done and correct while at their house. I cannot risk changing to the week during the school year. SM believes that she has every right to keep DS even if ex is out of town for work for the whole visitation. I am so far out of the loop with them communicating that usually I do not find out until after DS is home on Sunday evenings. I have no way of knowing unless DS would call me when he is there but I know that the first time that I take him out of her house because ex is gone that I will be in for a big fight then. I just want to avoid the drama but I wish that DS would see SM for the games that she plays and that she is constantly playing with him and his father. Most of you seem to be SM that are having issues with BM but I have the crazy SM in my case.

Put this in letter or email to Dad (re grades, etc.) REmind him that school problems are much more expensive to fix down the road than do right the first time. Reiterate purpose of visitation is for child to see dad. Do not even mention SM by name or title. Ask Dad to call you. If he doesnt, you will have to file for change in visitation. Many courthouses have a family court "help" person who, if you can not afford a lawyer, can help you put toghthet a petition yourself. If Dad doesnt respond, do it.

Ex just recently went back to living with SM. They had been separated for about six weeks. Ex works constantly and is NEVER home. I believe his way of dealing with the crazy woman but this is just my opinion. They will not be divorcing any time soon unless ex finds a new one with more money that can bail him out of financial difficulties that this one is threatening should he divorce her. Ex lives about 3 minutes from me. It is a VERY small town that we all grew up in. If SM does not attend events, ex does not attend events. SM does not trust ex out of her sight and he probably deserves it given his history. But if SM is not invited, ex will not attend without her or will extend the invitation to her even though she is not included. I have no communications with ex and have to make all arrangements through SM. It has been that way for years. I have just played her game because I usually control most visitation and changes anyway. But when they start hiding things, I start getting a little upset and with SM mad at me for the moment I am finding they are not communicating about meetings, games, etc. of DS. Ex plays off that he works too much and it is just easier to deal with her but I have my suspicions that she is just an insecure wife since she began as TOW. We move in a lot of the same social circles and have a lot of the same friends. It is hard to deal with most of the time but I am just looking to get DS off to college and then move on with my life in a different area away from them but that is still five years off. Until then, I have to figure out some way to either get along or not let her games affect DS.

Include in above letter that he should also include how best to contact HIM. Again, no mention, just that he should provide you with his phone or email Again, if he refuses, put with visitation revision request.

PS -- if her parents money is running out, sounds like he will too.

so i am not net savvy enough to find your previous post and I am sure these questions were prob answered before but
How old is your DS?
What does she do to hurt your son?

IMO she probably backed out of the field trip after talking to your son because he prob was uncomfortable with both of you going and she wanted to spare his feelings...

How come you didn't let her have contact when her and ex were seperated? What would have been so bad about it?

Our lawyer always explained that when it is the Other parents time they are able to designate who the child spends time with...we were curoius about it because SD was always pushed off on the grandparents...and he said that her time is her time and she can choose where sd spends her time on visits unless it was a safety issue..I dont think you would have much of a leg to stand on in court there...but maybe it differs from state to state...

You say you don't hate her but you surely do sound like it from your post...and either she has done some terrible things to your son (that would be a good reason to hate her) or you hate her because she is married to your ex...kids pick up on that stuff....

As far as money goes unless ex owes you support he isn't paying is it really your concern what kind of debt/toys etc he is in and the lifestyle they lead?

I really am not trying to jump on you and I hope I dont come across that way I just dont understand?

5inall,

I think you are ignoring basic issues -- the grades slipping, OP not having contact with her X, these are the things you are ignoring, that OP must not. SM is clearly overreaching.

5inall,

DS is 14. She does not physically hurt DS only emotionally. Since they have been together, 11 years now, DS has not been able to have any alone time with ex until they separated--NONE. SM says that when DS is there that they will have all family time so that they can all spend time together--that is BS and DS deserves time with his father just as their daughter gets her time when DS is not there. DS is continuously blamed for everything even when his half-sister is at fault and never believed--ex does not stand up for DS either. I cannot tell you how many times DS has come home early or frustrated from his weekend because of SM accusing/believing her daughter over DS and ex saying nothing in his defense. When they first separated, SM continuously text messaged DS on cell phone wanting him to come over, telling him how much she missed him and loved him. I let DS go once or twice and SM would then question DS about what ex was doing i.e. was he seeing anyone, has he been talking to any girls, has he been text messaging anyone. When I quit letting DS go over there, SM then began to text the questions she had to him. I then told him to not go over there until it all died down and not to answer her questions. I told him not to get in the middle and that "I don't know" was answer enough. I told her that it was not permanently and nothing against her but I did not feel that DS needed to be put in the middle. She told me that she understood and was fine with it. Suddenly, SM has told DS over the weekend that the reason I did it was I wanted DS to hate her. I truly do not hate her. I resent what I have seen her put my son through but I do not hate her and as things get worse it is getting harder to hide my frustrations. The minute SM and ex got back together she continued to do the same questioning and ex got mad at DS for telling SM about his "friend" and causing an argument. For one, SM has no right to put DS in the middle of that and secondly if anyone should have been yelled at by ex it should have been SM for putting DS in the middle. But ex is not know to stand up for DS when it comes to SM--also BS.My loyalty was not with SM when she is not physically living and perhaps divorcing my ex. Ex told me that he was not going back, had a house and was buying furniture. He even had DS pick out the room that he wanted. Ex would call DS everyday that he was not with him and tell him how happy he was and that he was not going back. Why would I continue visitation with her after all of that? SM actually got to see DS when she would take or pick up their daughter from ex's house but she could not ask the questions that she wanted to when ex is standing right there.

Actually, last spring SM and I had planned on going on the field trip together. Then the split happened over the summer and now that school is back in session, the sign-ups to go next spring are in a few days. I have nothing against SM and have learned through the years to bite my tongue to keep the peace and I would do that again if she decided to go. I actually asked DS if he would rather SM and ex go instead of me before I even asked SM. DS told me that he did not want either one to go. But I gave SM the opportunity to decide on her own so it would not look like I did not give her that chance to even go if she wanted to. I did not want her to turn it around to me keeping it from her to keep her from going and that is exactly what she would have done.

DS has learned that he does not want to be at ex's house when ex is not there. DS will usually spend both nights of the weekend at his friend's house down the street. I cannot control that and cannot believe that the situation is that good if he is constantly leaving to get away from there. But I do not understand after all of DS frustration at SM why he is suddenly believing her BS? I have tried to not show my frustration at SM but lately it has been hard to not let it out. But I have repeatedly assured DS that my feelings do not have to be the same as his and that it is only my concern for him that has me frustrated. I will not force my opinions upon him and just hope that one day he will see her for what she truly is unlike his father.

The money thing is truly not my concern--his child support is paid. But when ex's family tells me that is the only reason that he went back, I am concerned about the living situation that DS is staying in every other weekend. Because if ex only went back to save the lifestyle that he is accustomed to, I cannot imagine that he will stay happy for long and eventually things will return to be the fighting and the disappearing of ex all of the time--even on DS weekends. DS will also pick up on things there just as he was before ex left SM and my current frustrations with SM. I was only trying to explain what I know so that information is out there.

address it in court now. when dad is out of town DS does not need to go see SM. it is not specified in custody agreements. I would consult with attorney ASAP. I would also address that SM is questioning DS about stuff, wrong on every account.

If DS is 14 he probably will catch on to sm's games soon. The more you stay out of it and don't comment the more he will develop his own feelings on the situation and then he will begin to see the real picture.

As for visitation I was also told by a lawyer before that dad's visitation is for him and whomever he choses to be around during it (provided they are not harming our child). If dad designates a babysitter then that is his choice.

I am sure you hate sm because she was TOW, and I can not blame you for that. But whether your ex is staying with her for financial reasons or not it is not really your business. While they may argue around your son there is not much you can do unless it gets out of control.

Right now if ds goes to his friends house while his dad is gone why not just leave it alone? Chances are if you take this to court it will get ugly and you may not accomplish much.

Dear mom2emall,

I think DSs grades are a big issue, and whether Dad was there or not, it is an issue that can be brought up. Also, adding to that Dad NOT being there, Dad not communicating with mom and SM denigrating mom, I think she should request less time at Dads. Just becuse it might get ugly is no reason not to go forward. DS is entering HS. What is going to happen when he graduates with poor grades, etc.

Okay, let me get this right.

Stepmom and dad have reconciled ( reasons for that are pure speculation and no one's business)

son, 14, goes to spend weekends at dads, but dad works weekends, so has limited time at home.

when son goes during the week, on dad's days off, his grades slip.

Mom, the OP, is upset with stepmom. I forget why.

Son is angry at mom because he claims mom is trying to turn him against stepmom.

Mom says thats not true, but then says..."I have told DS repeatedly that I do NOT expect him to hate her at all but I wish that he would learn to protect himself--espcecially each time that I am cleaning up her mess-- with her rather than being so trusting of her because she is always proving what kind of a back-stabbing person she truly is especially when different people are around"

Obviously OP has a great deal of dislike and animosity toward SM, which she is verbally expressing to her son. Perhaps that is why son thinks mom expects him to hate SM.

I particularly note the last paragraph.

"I cannot figure out how both of them are so convinced that SM is this poor, little innocent thing that I am just trying to make everyone hate. I truly wish they could see through her games as I do but maybe it is because I am a woman also and can usually spot that while men are just different."

I can figure it out. Openly dragging a 14 year old into your own personal animosity is wrong. Your opinion of step mom and how she treats son should be kept to yourself. Its none of your business what happens in dad's house. You are making yourself look like a drama queen by trying to tell a 14 year old that you cant stand her because of what he does to him, and you certainly are giving him the impression that he cant please you unless he hates her.

I dont blame him for being angry, and maybe this is part of the reason for a drop in grades. Its wrong to put kids in the middle of your own feelings. This boy is 14. Not a child. He is perfectly capable of working out his own relationship with his father and his stepmother , without your undue influence. If he doesnt enjoy the visits, he doesnt have to go, but he LIKES going. Grow up. Its not your right , even as a mother, to try to guilt a child into choosing loyalties.

You risk losing your son altogether. Teens hate being manipulated and thats what you are doing. He doesnt need protecting.

Its easy to blame the mom for the bad grades. But given they happen when the are at Dads/SMs, I think that is not fair. Which is why I say, deal with it through the courts.

Bad grades in a student that previously has done well, in early high school years, is usually a sign of inner turmoil, not bad training.

Dealing with it through the courts is fine, but what do you expect them to do? At 14, I dont think Mom is going to be able to persuade a judge to change visitation to suit her concerns. 14 year olds are not children. They arent adults either, but its very important for them to have say in what happens in their lives. At 14, a kid has a great deal of input into when , where, and how often to see their non custodial parent, to the point where most judges will go as far as changing custody if the kid wishes it to be so. In several states, the right to decide which parent to live with, at 14, is inviolate. In ALL states, a 14 year old is taken seriously, as to his or her wishes on visitation and custody issues. How do you think a judge is going to react if the kid himself says mom is trying to make me hate my SM, but I dont, and it makes me angry that she tries?

Going to court to try to limit contact on a 14 year old is a waste of time, money, and has the potential to backfire badly. Putting the boy into the situation where he has to choose to please his mom by not seeing his dad, is inexcusable. The boy obviously idealizes dad and sm somewhat. IF she takes this to a judge, when the boy is already angry, she just might find the boy deciding he would rather live with dad than her...and no judge would stop him.

Kathline,

If you had read, the boys grades drop when he is at Dads/SMs and then go back up. Would you try to explain that?

It is just as likely that SM, with her family money, is buying the boys favors, or not making him pay attention to his studies.

If this were the mom not paying attention to his grades, what would you say.

Whether mom likes SM or not, his school work is important.

And when Dad makes everything go through SM, son may think Dad doesnt care about him, and he is beholdent to SM. Is it right the boy gets no time alone with Dad. Face it SM is weird, and there are objective signs to show anyone.

I would say exactly the same thing. At 14, you are going to look totally stupid going in front of a judge to try to limit time with the other parent, by complaining that grades go down, or that dad works during days when the boy is there. It would be just as stupid for a dad to go and argue that a 14 year old shouldnt be at his mothers because she works during the day, and someone else watches him. As for grades going down when he is at dads and up at moms, well, um, grades are cumulative, and a few days a week are not going to make the ultimate difference. High school isnt grade school. Tests are more regular, and exams play a large role, as do assignments. Its not daily testing as in elementary school, with a clear up and down pattern. And even if the boy is failing to hand some assignments in, etc, at 14, a judge is not going to hold a parent responsible for that, since a teen that age is presumed to have culpability in their own actions.

A 14 year old, dragged into a court hearing regarding visitation, is going to be allowed to pretty well set his own schedule and visitation rights, regardless of how much mom doesnt like stepmom. If stepmom were a registered child abuser, or drug addict, or convicted felon, maybe. The kid likes going to dad and SM. She has no hope of limiting time through the courts, and she risks alienating her son permanently if she continues to try to turn him against dad and SM. If SM is all that bad, the son WILL realize it as time goes by. OP needs to take the high road til it hurts, and complain to her friends, not her son.

The OP openly admits to badmouthing SM and DAD to the boy, who is ANGRY at his mother for doing so. That says an awful lot to me, and I would bet money it would say a lot to a judge. Angry teens tend to have grades that slip. THe OP isnt helping the situation by treating the 14 year old like one of her girlfriends and mouthing off about his other parent and his wife to the boy.

I think they are all responsible for the mess. THe OP is far from innocent.

If the stepmom werent the OW would you be saying the same thing? Or if this were a custodial fathers wife writing to complain about what happens at BM's house? I think not.

Fact is, when a kid is 14, and getting ANGRY about hearing his other parent badmouthed, its time to shut up about it A parent, regardless of whether they have custody or not, has no right to demean the other parent to their children, in an attempt to vent or ease their own pain. Thats what friends, and possibly message boards are for.

OP isnt trying to stops the son from spending time with Dad. Dad doesnt want the time.

It shouldnt all be on the mom.

And my DD is in high school, and they get marked down on quizes and when homework isnt in.

I can say that if I sent SD to BMs and her homework wasn't done I would be P****d. It is definately irresponsible on Dad and SMs part to not be checking homework, it is their job to check and make sure it is done...however, I would also be steaming with my SD. At 14 there is no reason whatsover that this boy cant be responsible for getting his homework done on his own. If Dad and SM wont do what they are supposed to when it comes to school work then I would put some fire under my kids but(just as I would if he/she was at home) about getting it done. If the homework didn't get done then when DS came home I would discipline him accordingly......
I am also assuming that since school pretty much just started for most kids, and it was summer before this that BM is refering to last school year? unless DS is in year round school....
I feel that if her son has told her that he feels like she wants him to hate SM then that is how he really feels...Both mom and SM have both put DS in the middle and it is not ok for either to do....
I do not care for BM on my end but would never ever say anything negative to my SD about her...it's just not right...
I imagine this poor boy does have quite a bit of turmoil...not only did he go through his Bio parents divorcing, he then went through Dad and SM seperating...and then to top it all off he has a SM pumping him for info and a BM who is trying to get him to see stepmom for what BM thinks SM truely is....

one more note...SM has been in this childs life since he was three years old he is now 14.that is a long time and I am sure bonds have been formed between the SM and DS especially since he was just a toddler when she came in the picture.. why shouldn't SM keep DS when Dad is working? My hubby has worked nights before, and yes he may sleep until one or two in the afternoon but he is up with the family from like 2 pm until 10 at night..there is plenty of time for family interaction..I don't think BM is being completely honest about the amount of time dad is around...either that or Dad must work out of town?

My X travels constantly. Thank god i put ROFR in agreements. My advice to all. ROFR and NO Third Party pickups or dropoffs.

Answer -- if Dad spent more time at home and spent some tiem with son alone, would be better.

if every time kid goes to dad, dad is never there how is that OK? how is that a normal kind of arrangement? It is OK once in awhile he is gone but not every time! It is simply not OK. that's where the problem starts. and what si funny dad is never there but mom is there and yet it is mom's fault kid is angry. isn't it possible that kid is angry that dad pays no attention to him? or is it mom's fault too?

"ROFR and NO Third Party pickups or dropoffs."

I think that is excellent advice. I see no reason why the mother should ever have to communicate with the SM if she does not want to. Only the parents should drop off or pickup, unless there is mutual agreement otherwise.

The OP says that dad is never home. I wonder how exactly she would know that, but, assuming that he DOES indeed work weekends, 24/7....

the OP also doesnt want the visits changed to weekdays.

The OP just doesnt want her 14 year old there at all, because she is mad at SM, who was the OW.

Now, I dont blame her for being furious with the SM. I dont think there will ever be camaraderie or trust for someone that cheated with OP's husband, nor should there be.

But the 14 year old boy likes his SM ( which probably really upsets mom). He likes his visits with his dad. He doesnt want anything changed.

I stand by my previous post, if OP takes this to court, she is going to look like an idiot in front of a judge, since its obvious that the boy feels that his mother is pressuring him to hate his SM, and that his mother is actively trying to put him in the middle of an adult dispute instead of encouraging and permitting a relationship between him and his other parent.

I am finding this rather amusing, since there are several Stepmoms whose husbands have custody on this board, who, when they complain that their stepchildren go to moms on the weekend and mom is never there, get jumped on by bio moms because mom has to work, or its not stepmoms business what biomom does or who biomom has watch the kids.

The Stepmom in this case has been in the boys life for eleven years. The teen in question is happy the way things are. IF the OP doesnt want this to blow up on her and cause her own son to choose to want to be with his dad, she had better start showing some sensitivity for what the boy himself wants. Teens are notoriously stubborn about being told what they should or shouldnt think or do.They arent children, to be ordered about to please other people.

Please. Grownups who truly care about children, be they step, or bio, do NOT put children or teens in the position of having to choose between pleasing one parent by not showing loyalty to the other parent. Op is acting badly here. SM may also be acting badly and so is Dad, but that doesnt excuse any of them. The only one suffering is the 14 year old, and it wouldnt surprise me if he got very angry at the adults who are unable to control their own emotions.

The last thing anyone should want is an angry teenage male. That leads to all kinds of potential problems.

Kathline, if you chose to disbeleive and ignore parts of the OPs message, you are giving advice to another situation - one that may not exist. The schoolwork is a problem on weekdays. The dads work schedule is a problem. I would suggest that the child is mad at Dad, and afraid if he isnt nice to SM he will be in pickle, and knows mom will love him no matter what. Suggest OP get visitiation changed/

They live three minutes apart. There is no reason for the boy to be at the SM's house if his father is not home. It is one thing if the parents live in different states and the child stays with the parent for a month or more - it is unlikely that the parent would be able to take off that much time, so he or she might have to find child care of some sort.

I am curious as to whether the child has known from the beginning that this woman was TOW. This is one of many reasons why it is far better to know from a young age - then the child doesn't develop a relationship with the stepparent based on an illusion that will come crashing down when he is old enough to figure out that she is TOW.

Sometimes the parent has to work. Schedules can not be rearranged easily in all cases and jobs can be hard to come by. Parent being home on the weekends sometimes is not possible.

The OP says the child's grades slip during the week if he is visiting at dad's and that's her reasoning for not wanting to rearrange visitation so the father can be present during his sons visits. I think this is horse hockey. First of all, the kid is 14 and to some extent be held accountable for his grades. All of the blame should not be thrust upon dad and stepmom the boy is old enough to have responsibilities. Secondly, it would be easier to talk to dad and stepmom about staying on the child to keep those grades up than it would be for dad to change his work schedule CONSIDERING changing his work schedule is even an option. Anyone who works a government, medical, legal or highly coorperate job can tell you that making your own schedule is NOT an option.

I think OP has some entirely understandle bitterness towards the stepmom if not the entire situation in general and is not trully wanting to work with dad with visitation. I think she is sickened that her son likes this woman after what she and the OP's ex did to her family.

The son doesn't seem to have any problems with the situation at dad's...in fact he is DEFENDING dad and stepmom. If OP has a problem with the set up she should try to work with dad to change visitation and suck it up. She will have to work with dad and stepmom (because it probably will be stepmom dealing with the school work, like it or not) to get the boys grades stabilized during week day visits. Then the child could see dad, his grades will be looked after and everyone will be happy.

First of all, this whole "you make me choose" attitude just happened over the weekend. I honestly try not to say anything and have done very well through the years to just make DS understand that I have no control on what goes on over there but can only be a listener. I don't usually have to say anything because SM tends to show her true colors all on her own and I should have realized that this time. The big blow up has happened after the weekend before and DS had encountered some problems with SM and ex--which are way more confusing than this will allow in writing. DS told me that he did not want to go back to his father's during his weekly visit and he did not want SM or ex to go on field trip with him--I did not allow that option as I do not allow DS to hide from one parent via the other as you will read more about in a sec. Ex got ticked as he tends to do because weekly visit is the only time that he is home to spend time with DS and since I take classes on Wednesday nights while DS is at father's, DS went for visit. Thursday night DS forgot homework. I got on DS for being irresponsible the FIRST week of school which is not something unusual as DS tends to have to be reminded frequently and I truly have to keep tabs constantly or DS will slack off on school. It is something at ex has been more than happy to let me do, which is why DS now only goes to ex's house one night a week. Ex was not willing to put time and effort in it and now he does not have to and ex was more than happy to not have to deal with it and willingly gave up visitation to allow DS to work on getting better grades. DS grades have improved and ex is okay with it all--and some days I feel ex got the better end of the deal because he can be the good guy while I am always the bad guy. DS ran to ex's house and then text messaged me that he would be spending night at ex's house. I made DS come home and get his books and talked to him. I asked him whatever happened about blow up with SM from the weekend before and when DS blew it off is when I should have kept my mouth shut instead of voicing my concern over SM. I realize now that I should have never said anything about SM in front of DS but it is NOT something that I do frequently but there has been A LOT of drama lately and I was frustrated. SM and I made a pact a long time ago that when DS was in trouble at one parent's house that he was not to use the other to avoid and SM did not back me up on this one and I was upset because that was exactly what DS was doing. I also asked DS if he had told SM that he had forgotten his homework, SM told DS that she was not "in the loop" this year and I was handling all homework issues and that if DS wanted to spend the night that it was fine with her so I do believe SM deliberately went against our agreement when she knew what was going on. SM also talked to DS over the weekend about why I would not let DS visit her while they were separated. The first night that DS talked to SM about what happened, SM proceeded to tell DS that ex was crazy, had went off his meds and that she thought ex was bi-polar. That is why I did not let DS go back over to see SM when they were separated. I was not going to let SM turn DS against ex and ex told me that he respected that but is now ducking his head to avoid it and letting me be the bad guy. And we do have the same friends and only live three minutes apart, so I am not speculating on anything but have heard from family and friends exactly what they have been told by both SM and ex. As for ex's schedule on weekends, he works 9 pm to 7 or 8 am. I usually pass him on weekdays that I am heading toward work between 7:30 and 8 if he is getting home on time. Ex then sleeps until 3 or 4 pm and then depending on whether he is working either his second or third job that weekend is whether he is home for those few hours before going back to work again around 8-8:30. DS has known since he was 9 or 10 about ex and SM. DS asked me what happened and I told him the truth. I left out a lot but explained that I did not hold anything against either one of them, I respected their decision to be together, and I just wanted DS to be able to live a good life with both parents even if we did not live together. I have not been bitter for years and truly I am not now because I know that I am in a much better place. I know that honestly I would not have put up with ex after being caught MANY times cheating like SM has. I have never kept DS away from ex and have actually pushed for as much time as DS can get during the summer months. Until this separation that they had over the summer, we had all gotten along pretty well, actually almost abnormally well. SM is mad at me because I sided with ex and did not let her continue to control it all. DS had the best six weeks of his life spending all three days of the week with ex on his day's off and EOW. DS did not want ex to go back and was VERY disappointed in ex when he changed his mind after countless times that ex reassured DS that he was happy and not going back. Ex made many promises of the things that DS and he would do together now and none of that will happen as DS is not allowed one on one time with ex on his weekends at ex's house. DS did not want to visit SM and avoided her without me saying anything to him most of the time. But I am not going to throw DS to the wolves and let SM know that because SM will make DS pay for his choice just as she is making me do now. I think that other than voicing my opinion about SM this time that I have done very well considering the circumstances. But I do not believe that my words were truly the whole reason that set DS off but SM's conversation with DS also fueled what I had already said. I am not expecting DS to choose because I know who DS would choose and it would not be his father and SM--deep down DS knows how life would be at their house all of the time. But I also know that this SM that she is playing now will not last and DS will once again be disappointed and hurt by SM. I have seen it too many times and I know the trend. I have had to pick up the pieces too many times to count through the years.

Just becuase SM may be rich mean and nasty doesnt mean she has to be accomadated. Get visitation changed. If parents live close, and Dad isnt available, mom should have him.

kkny-
My main issue with changing visitation will be the huge drama that will follow. Ex and SM will continue to turn me into the bad guy and now I will be trying to keep ex away from DS even though ex is always at work.

My other issue is that DS likes to go over to ex's house on the chance that maybe this time he will get a little attention from ex. DS craves his father's affection and approval and has learned to avoid SM when ex is at work by going to a friend's house but I know that turns into more than when ex is at work. DS has always been drawn to the men around him that will give him that attention that his father does not. It is sad and I feel for him but I was not the one that made the choice and no matter how many complaints I have voiced to ex and SM, I am ALWAYS in the wrong for pushing for more time for DS with ex. SM has always defended ex but when they were separated she told me that ex is never home and that has always been one of her biggest complaints about him but suddenly it is okay once again now that they are back together. When I began dating BF, DS chose to stay at home and spend time with BF over going to ex's house until ex went off on DS that HE was DS father and when DS decided to spend time with his father to give him a call. I was standing right there and heard exactly what ex said to DS and DS was so hurt. And I can also not tell you the amount of time that DS has stayed with SM when ex was not home instead of coming home, so how is that any different because I am expected on part of ex and SM just be okay with it and say nothing but not when it comes to BF and ex he is allowed to throw a fit??? DS felt so bad that he went home with them right then even though to prove a point ex had taken SM and daughter to big amusement park/water park for weekend without even inviting DS and justified it that DS was spending more time with BF than him. Tell me that is not childish and totally uncalled for!!! DS tries so hard to please father and for a few weeks after that incident ex spent a lot of time with DS but it didn't last. These are the childish games I am up against and DS wants so much to be a part of ex life (which I have never denied and actually pushed for more on part of DS)that DS is willing to overlook EVERYTHING that these two continue to do to him. That is where my frustration is coming from and why I snapped the other night because sometimes it seems to be an ongoing game with them over DS. I am not fighting over DS nor trying to keep them apart. I would love for ex to play a more involved role in DS life but ex would rather play the good guy than be the dad--that is when he decides to make the time.

If ex relies so heavily and has come back to SM because she has money and he likes his toys why does he work two or three jobs? This stuff just doesn't all add up....

Personally, I believe it makes cheating so much easier and that way he is never home. I do not believe it has always been this way and at one time he was happy with her but now financially he is tied in and is having trouble making a clean break. How are the numerous affairs explainable if he is so happy??? I honestly do not ask a lot of questions nor do I seek info out but many believe that as the first wife that I will either care or want to know--that is just the type of small town I live in and I am sure they hear stuff about my life also that they could care less about. I do not believe on his one full-time job and her now working that they would be strapped, but for some reason he chooses to continue to work the three jobs. He says that he is securing the future for his wife and children and that is the only answer that he has ever volunteered because I do not ask. But if he has all of this money put away for the future, why does the thought of SM letting house go worry ex so much and why would she need to if they had all this money tucked away?? And I know that is a fact because DS told me SM was going to lose house and was moving into her grandmother's if ex did not come home. If what SM told me was true when they were separated that they had issues constantly about ex working all of the time, then wouldn't ex stay home to make SM happy if they were such the happy couple instead of working all of the time?? Would ex continue to leave her every few years to sow his oats and then come back if he was so happy??? I am speculating because honestly I have no idea why ex does what he does and gave up trying to understand him years ago. Because I can see this, I know that they lead a high lifestyle with two new cars every six - nine months, name brand clothing for all of four of them, Harley Davidson motorcycle, motorized scooters for kids, golf cart for kids to drive around, etc. I believe that they live financially to the max for what they make as I believe that many people do in this day and all of the new trends constantly available. We have been close enough through the years that I know probably way more about their finances than I should but at one time SM and I were pretty close and she volunteered a lot of info when I was going through a rough patch myself. I also have been told that SM's father has hit a rough patch in the economy these days (and it was all over the newspapers) and that he has cut back on the money he is providing to SM and her sister. I can only go off of what I have been told and as I have been reminded their financial stability is none of my business as long as child support is paid, which it always is. The only thing that I can complain about is his working a lot of hours and not spending time with DS as needed. And for some reason, ex continues to work a lot of hours and many jobs.

kathline OP explained in previous posts what exactly is going on. she did not clarify much here because she assumed we all remember from what happened few motnhs ago.

SM questions him about dad's private life and possible GFs, dad is not there so boy goes to sleepovers(of course he likes it, why wouuldn't he? but visitations are with dad, not sleepover friends), when SM was separated from X she asked Ds to come stay with her and were saying mean things about dad that really upset DS.

of course OP should not be saying things about SM but this is not what the issue is. the issue is that when DS goes there on weekedays they do not monitor him so he does poorly in school, when he goes ther on the weekends dad works and then sleeps so DS ends up going to other kids for sleepovers. The issue is that dad ignores his son, son clearly suffers. SM spends time with DS, which might be nice but it is not what DS needs and wants. He wants his dad. SM cannot compensate for lack of dad's attention. SM and dad is not one human being, they are two separate people. When i want to talk to my dad, it cannot be compensated by talking to my mom. those are two separate people.

OP does not want to keep her son away from dad. DS clearkly suffers from not seeing his dad. it is dad who does not spend time with the kid, not mom.

I am surprised you do not read excatly what is happening there.

and the issue with court is not to go and stop visitations but arrange them so kids go see their fathers. OP promptly sends her son to his dad as per court agreement, she does nothing wrong. it is not her fault dad is not there and DS suffers. That's why maybe time of visitations could be changed so DS actually gets time with dad.

This should not be about what is good for SM but what is needed for DS.

exactly what kkny said, just because she is mean and nasty and will make a big fuss it does not mean one should always accommodate her. that's what happens with bullies. they bully everybody but people would be scared to do anything. I feel bad for DS who certainly wants his father and i am not surprised he likes to hang around your BF, he clearly needs a male figure. and it is funny your X is upset that DS spends time with BF, and yet he is OK DS sits around with SM while dad is somewhere else (working? hhhmmm). isn't it because SM is a bully and people are scared of bullies so everyone keeps quiet as long as a bully is happy. I can't believe this.

I think hthe thing that all of the posters are neglecting to see is this:

"SM believes that she has every right to keep DS even if ex is out of town for work for the whole visitation. I am so far out of the loop with them communicating that usually I do not find out until after DS is home on Sunday evenings"

X is actually OUT OF TOWN. Not just working on the weekends. AND, on top of that, neither X or SM are communicating to BM that X is out of town. That leads me to believe that this is a manipulative move so that SM gets DS anyway whether X is out of town or not. Out of town, IMO, is WAY different than working on weekends. If my X was out of town, no way would DS go stay with GF. But if they didn't tell me, how could I know?

"Ex lives about 3 minutes from me"

Which leaves no other reason as to why SM needs to have DS on weekends when X is out of town.

"I have no communications with ex and have to make all arrangements through SM. It has been that way for years"

This should be a reason to see an attorney all in its own. I would not put up with this one single day longer.

I checked online to see our state's guidelines on visitation. Technically, ex could get his visitation switched to weekdays to accomodate his work schedule instead of weekends. But I should also be allowed the extra parenting time myself when ex is out of town instead of DS being left with SM and should be informed of ex's schedule. My next question is, do I sacrifice DS grades to allow more time with ex? Will ex even want to give up his free days to have DS because he always seems to find excuses or more jobs to not be around? Will SM step up and push DS as he needs it to get his work done as she has already told DS that homework was not on her this year? I know what will happen to DS grades and they will drop. Ex does not want to be the one that has to get on DS. He wants to be his cool buddy instead. I have heard the way that ex talks with DS and his friends and it is scary--like they are all his grown up buddies hanging out together instead of 13/14 year old boys! When I first moved back to this town to allow more visitation with ex as DS wanted, we split parenting time 50/50. It did not work at all for DS as he seemed constantly back and forth. I am not sure what the best thing is for DS--switch time with ex to be there on days off or leave it the way that it is to keep grades and school on the right track for DS future??

OP: Have you thought about asking your son what he would like to see happen? I mean at 14 his thoughts and opinions on time over there should hold a little water with both you and your ex and SM and this really should be all about him....
If he is happy with the EOW and a weeknight with Dad having to work then leave it alone.. If he wants to be there on Dads off days then let him...He is old enough to make sure he does his own homework..he needs to be responsible as well and if he doesn't do his work then there should be consequences....My SD is 10 and totally knows what homework she has for the night, she is also perfectly capable of getting it done on her own even at 10......I would definately have a nice talk with ex about school being a top priority when he is there...

I would concentrate on grades. Plus to keep in mind, as kids reach high school, they start having more activities. Is your son interested in sports, newspaper, debate team, model UN, etc. etc. ?

I have talked to DS and he would like more time during the week at ex's house when ex is off work without me taking away his weekends because he can go to friends house to get away if needed and he might catch some extra time with ex. I will allow for the time being but have made him aware that the minute grades slip that I will once again take matters into my own hands so if he wants to be able to spend extra time with his father on weekdays DS knows that it is HIS responsibility to get his homework done. I have decided that all of this arguing between SM and I is only having a negative effect on DS and my relationship with DS so I will leave things alone for now.It is just not worth it to see DS miserable because SM and I are having issues right now which usually happens every few years as I fight for control and realize that she will make DS life miserable if I try to take it away from her and I back off. This has been the norm but this time I am more frustrated than usual because I am always the one that has to give in while they give nothing and it just gets old after awhile. But I have lived with fighting, divorced parents making life miserable and I will not do that to DS. I have lived with a mother that continuously expected me to hate my father as much as she did. And even though I was not telling DS to hate SM, I was just tired of picking up the pieces she leaves behind and telling him to be less trusting so SM cannot hurt him continuously, I do understand why DS would take the message as such when SM is also on him about me keeping him away from her. Both ex and SM are lucky to have their parents still happily married and while we get along for the most part, neither of them know what it feels like as I do firsthand and realize what their actions are doing. Of course, usually it is always my fault and nothing is ever SM fault. SM sent me an email two days ago explaining that she was never going to forgive me for keep DS away from her while she was separated from ex and that she was sorry for nothing because she has done absolutely nothing to feel sorry for. That is the story of life with SM. So I will continue to be the peacemaker to make life easier on DS because I can and that is what I do best as I did for my mother by not visiting my dad for almost eight years because she hated it so much. I hope that one day he will realize how many times I have just had to bite my tongue and go along with it to make life more peaceful for DS while with SM.

Your son will benefit by you taking the high road. I know its hard to bite your tongue, but its the right thing to do. He is old enough to work out his own relationship with his dad, and if he is disappointed by his father, at least he wont blame you. This way, you keep your own relationship with your son from being fractured and strained, so thathe will still let you help, if he needs it later.

You are doing the right thing.

You are a kind person. But I would save the emails and put in a file. You never know when you will need them. And before you know it, DS will be spending more time in HS, activities and all.

Almost, maybe you can start a new thread if you dont think this appropriate on this one, but when you said I will continue to be peacemaker for DS, like I did for my mother, by not visiting my dad for 8 years......If you dont mind, at what age did this happen? Did your dad do something unforgivable?Did he try to see you, or did you refuse, and what is your relationship now?DH and I having this conversation last night, Is BM still trying to control visits, even adult steps.....Thanks...

I think you need to back off in regards to what your ex is doing. It sounds like your son is fine with the EOW visitation and I would leave it at that. Don't allow the visits during the week since his grades suffer, but stop worrying about the EOW thing. If you back off, your son should relax. If his SM is somewhat "mean" to him, he will figure that out on his own.

About the field trip, I don't even know why you would want the SM there. If it were me, I'd prefer to go with just my child. Definitely, let go of that one. Establish some boundaries and stop thinking about her all the time.