Hi Pattycakes, It wasn't really the gist of my post to argue for or against a BS education, especially since I did not attend one and we are only learning about them. But since I am the OP, I will give this one a go. I said it before, but the post has gotten unwieldy to go back and read, for sure, so I will say it again...Giving up some of the every-day-ness, from grades 9-12, would be a true sacrifice. Part of the reason DH and I retired so young was to allow us to be uber-involved in our kids's schools, activities and lives generally , and we are. We get a lot of enjoyment out of it and (most of the time) they do, too. But if you have a kid who is willing to work very, very hard at a worthwhile goal that they value, it is hard to say "no". You seem to assume that schools don't spend any time on morals, character, community service (or maybe that they don't mean it). Many if not most private schools (boarding and day) have ecclesiastical roots, and issues of honor and morals and service are very important to the culture. Character education is not mere lip service, and community service requirements are meaningful, from what I have observed. Personally, i find it quite different from my generation and quite heartening. Moreover, since neither DH nor I practice a formal religion, we appreciate that our children, via private school, have had to attend chapel services and Quaker meetings. Their academic environments enhance what we try to teach them. You are also assuming that all boarding school aspirants are interested solely or primarily in monetary success. Many are, of course. Such is true of any random group of Americans as well. But, I do not think that BS aspirants are unusually mercenary at all. First of all, a good chunk of them come from generational wealth that kind of leaves them free to pursue something more... interesting, if you will. I notice there is a heavy emphasis on the arts at these schools; drama, music. Film making, fine arts, writing. And a fair amount of people interested in public service, the environment, humanitarian work. I am certainly not saying it's all "kumbaya", but these schools are in real demand, and they can find more than enough smart hard working kids, so they look for interesting, smart, hard working kids. People who can make a difference, not just a living. (not matter how good a living) Frankly, without getting too political about it, these schools tend to be very liberal and rather socialist-leaning, and if anything I would say they would somewhat teach their kids to eschew the pursuit of filthy lucre! (all the while asking their parents for some more of it, please)

"And I hear a lot about SMs going on crusies etc. I dont." Maybe you should have said you choose not to...not that SM's get to and you don't! And your quotes about children attending college in intact marriages is pretty useless on a stepfamily forum. Maybe your dd won't complete college since your not in an "intact" family! Maybe my son will go into the trades and become an electrician or plumber and not need 4 years of college. Maybe my ss will open his own successful business and not need a 4 year degree. Maybe my sd will become the next famous choreographer since she is so good at dancing. Maybe my other sd will join the military and make that a life long career. A four year degree helps, but is not for everyone! I do hope that all our children go to college for four years, at least to have it to fall back on. As much as I wish we could afford it all it is impossible for us. Maybe my skids bm will save us all the money she should have paid in cs and contribute towards her kids college education!! (doubtful, but I forgot she does not HAVE to do anything and she is okay in your book because she is their BM and if she does not see fit to contribute financially thats okay, but if it were my dh not paying support and her raising the kids then you would be cutting him down) Whats going to happen with your financial deal with exh if your dd decides she doesn't want to get a 4 year college education?

My financial situation, and cultural expections are similar to those of KKNY. I, and my family, have the "advantage" of being in a highly educated, professional sub-group of society. None of my children , nor my children's friends worked through high school. In university, none of them worked during the academic year. In the summer vaction period, some of my children did work, but not specifically for the money. They worked at positions that were of interest to them for their future career aspirations. Most of those positions were obtained through personal contacts with others also in the same social group. The money gained from those jobs was secondary to the direct career experience they provided; however, because they were jobs in professional sectors, the compensation was far better than a fast food job would ever pay. My children's friends experiences were virtually the same as my childrens, since most people with similar life situations as our family, lived the same way we did. The ones who did not work volunteered their time for the summer to various social causes, so in reality, they all did something. Travel, both domestically and internationally was encouraged, since the early 20's, before marriage and children, are a fantastic time to be able to get out and see how the rest of the world lives. Most of my peers consider travel to be part of a child's proper education. I do realize that for many, they MUST work, often at low paying jobs, to be able to afford to continue their education. I applaud that, since I believe education is of paramount importance, whether that education comes from a classroom, or from other sources. The "job" is just a means to an end. There is no right way, nor wrong way here. It;s not necessary to insist that what your children, or what you did, is the right way and everyone else is screwing up. This issue is a matter of financial necessity, personal choices, and individual needs. Its not necessary to insist that someone who doesnt do it the way you did is wrong. Unless there is a driving need for the money, I do not see the value in forcing someone to take a fast food job. I dont believe that the job in itself is the primary thing. What is more important is that each child, although by that time they arent really children, is able to be guided into finding a way to reach outside of their family circle and put their toes, so to speak, into the world of adult life, and/or the world in general outside of their family. If any of my children had actually wanted to work at Wendy's for the experience, I would have been supportive. I firmly believe that children should have the emotional support of their parents, no matter which route they choose in life. Their road is not necessarily the road I would choose, but its their life, and their right to live it as they choose. Each child is different as well. Some children are ready to spread their wings long before others do. I would not encourage sloth, nor would I be paying for someone to do nothing at all. However, a job for the sake of just a job isnt something I would insist on either. As for manners - It has been my experience that manners come from upbringing, and are pretty well set by the time a child is in high school. THe skill of getting along with people has nothing to do with which job one takes on. In my experience, there are far more trashy, argumentatitve, obnoxious people working in fast food, who cant get along with others, than there are in professional circles. If that makes me a snob, so be it.

I guess this is what people view as a success - A marriage lasting now about one year, after having 3 children out of wedlock (different fathers), one long term GF relationship. Ima I think some of your perspective comes from such a tough start that your present marriage represents an improvement . From Ima I am bio mom My Son-21 next month; The circumstances of his conception are too hard to talk about and I will leave it as I never had a relationship with his father. He met him when he was 4 and the court gave him visitation. He exercised it (I believe to torment me) until my son was 12, when he just ended all contact. My son had a step mom that, as far as my son says, treated him well. She treated me terribly. Both have since done time in prison and I don't have any contact with them. My son's relationship with them is up to him. I stay out of it. My son just moved back home with us to get his life on track. My Son-18 I dated his father (we worked together) and he stopped dating me before I found out I was pregnant. His father has never been a part of his life. Due to legal issues, parentage was just determined in November. (we are awaiting a court ruling on back child support) My son finished HS a year early thanks to homeschooling & in his 2nd year in college. He lives with us full time; My Daughter-17 Her father stepped in when I was left pregnant with my son. He was a friend from high school that wanted to "take care of me" but within a few months of my son's birth, he split (got another girl pregnant too), leaving me pregnant as well. He disappeared and we just found him a couple of years ago, living in Texas. He's got over 8 kids out there and not supporting any of them. I tried to get him to see his daughter & would give up the arrears he owes but he left the state. She is a senior being home schooled. She also helps care for my step mom when I can't. I had a tubal ligation after she was born. I was a live in girl friend I had a 7 year relationship where I raised my ex's three children (through grade school years). We didn't have any children, but I had an ectopic pregnancy with him. When he made me drive myself to the hospital, I knew it was over and I left him. The experience taught me about raising someone else's children. His ex wife was not involved at all. I was a single parent For about 6 years, before I met my husband. I was the sole financial support for three teens and I let rules slide and was inconsistent. It wasn't working for us. (it was when I was a single parent, that I nearly died. I had decided before I got ill, I would wait until my kids were grown to get married. I didn't want them to have to deal with a step dad telling them what to do. However, it wasn't a stable situation for any of us and I decided that I wanted to have a family situation, for them as much as for me. I think they needed more stability and structure. I needed adult companionship and help in creating stability & structure.) As single parents, we tend to talk to our kids about adult issues or our problems and we should really have adult friends or companions for that. I am married (my husband is also 38) for a year, together three years (my first marriage, his first "legal" one: He was "married" for a year but found out the license was never filed with the clerk) He got together with his daughter's mom shortly after his "marriage" ended and she got pregnant right away. He never married her because she's still married to her first husband (Divorce pending for 11 years)