I have heard of this type of arrangement, and even saw a family on some news show who practices this arrangement, but I just don't know if it would work for evveryone. Certainly, some couples are forced to sell the marital home in a divorce, and many could not afford to maintain what would be 3 residences...the children's residence, mom's residence and dad's residence. But, I agree on paper it sounds great.

As far as turf wars, you can go a looonnng way toward diffusing that stuff if you step back from the disciplining for a while and make your DH responsible for disciplining his children. Sit down with your DH in private and go over the expectations of the home and come up with some easy to understand rules. Only choose those things that REALLY bother you and as I have learned from other posters on this site...CHOOOSE YOUR BATTLES. I would also go to a counselor now...someone who specializes in blended families and have a third party mediator who could help you sort through these issues. Good Luck and keep posting!

I agree that the "nesting" concept is a great idea. It might actually turn out to be less expensive in total than each parent having to own/rent a home large enough to house all the children.

My exH stayed with the children at our home on some weekends and a couple of evenings a week for a couple of months after he left, until the OW decided it was "inappropriate." My children loved it - they commented that they actually saw more of their father than they had when he lived there (because, as it turned out, he had been having an affair, not just working late).

Not all stepmothers, especially those who have good cause to be insecure because they know the man has a propensity to cheat, are willing to allow the potential contact between the man and his exW that could occur if he is unsupervised.

I think that this sounds like a good idea in theory but in reality not so much. I understand it is hard for kids to go back and forth but that is most easily resolved by parents working together to make smooth transitions... and if the parents cant work together on that front they are certainly not going to work together to make the whole nesting thing to work either.

Aside from that I think it makes it difficult to move on and create happy and setteled lives for the parents...

And although we included our children in our decision to marry to the extent of each of us having one on one conversations with our kids .... we did not let them make the decision. Kids do not get to choose where they live and if they move in most families and most certainly in army families ... I dont think it is appropriate for them to be making decisions like who should live and visit where at any point... I think that feeds back into the guilt of divorce.

I commend you for caring about children. Yes, I think a possiblity is that kids get to stay in house and adults move back and forth. But many parents just dont care enough about children.

OR have the finances to do so OR have a dynamic that demands OR allows that sort of arrangement... it is not about caring enough about children.

I agree mom of 4. The children don't own the house--the parents do. It certainly would be nice if the parents could settle in the same area as the children's known home, same school system, etc., it's just that sometimes things don't work out that way.

It's not the building the makes a family or destroys a family. It's just a building.

...and I say that living in my husband's and his ex-wife's house myself. It ain't nothing like it used to be, and it's just a building. Who really cares?

Sounds much better on paper than in reality.

So the kid(s) live in the house but neither parent really 'lives' there? So do both parent's store their stuff there? Or only that stuff they don't care if the other parent uses, trashes, snoops through... Do they share a bedroom in shifts? Who maintains the house physically? Do they share groceries and cleaning supplies? What about capital improvements to the house?

What about other kids? If either parent remarries and has additional children, do they get to live there too? Just visit? Or do they not even have any contact with their half-sibs? There's just something at the core that sounds pretty freaky. From a kid's perspective, both Mom and Dad have these whole other lives goin on that don't include them...

Frankly, to make an arrangement like this work, the parents would need to get along so well they probably wouldn't have divorced...

Exactly sweeby ....

You make the arrangement sound like pure misery for the adults. Well that is exactly what many children endure, packing up and moving back and forth, and it clearly isnt there fault. I think if parents tried it, they would be a lot more understanding of children.

I read an article in the newspaper about one couple who had been "nesting" for quite awhile, and it worked for them. I didn't have any problem with my H staying in my house. He never stole anything. My only problem was that since I didn't have an apartment, I was staying in hotels when he was there, which got pretty expensive.

I think that is the problem with nesting. Most CP say they can't afford the mortgage on the residence even with CS. With that the case, how can this same couple manage to pay for what would amount to 3 residences (dad's house, mom's house, kid's house). I don't think the average working family could manage this.

If the mortgage were $2000 and you could get an apartment for less than $1000, it would work out better than each parent having to pay one whole mortgage.

My hairdresser for many years and his wife divorced - she was having an affair, sadly. She had befriended me, and I know for many, many years, she had wanted a love life and either he didn't or couldn't. I embarrass easily, and didn't push for details on this subject as I was HIS friend/client first. Anyway, the bottom line is that I think he accepted some culpability for her straying, but also, I think he wanted an out. He bent over backwards to keep the kids in their home (which had been his parents' home, passed on to him/bought for a small price) so he suggested the nesting arrangement and it worked for many years. In fact, my hairdresser couldn't imagine the kids not waking up on Christmas morning w/o both parents, so he invited her and her bf to spend the night Christmas Eve (not the affair that ended the marriage, but a later bf/housemate - we weren't sure if they were an item as he was foreign and much younger - just weren't sure!)

Anyway, it could work, but I think because both of them knew it was over and maybe, on some level, both were happy to move to the next chapter?

That being said, I doubt had he had a gf, that the arrangement would have been so cozy. I guess we women are more territorial at times? Don't know, but I don't think the ex-wife would have invited him and a gf, had one existed for the same arrangement. I looked at him like he was nuts when he told me about it - he burst out laughing, said, "Heck, I loaned her and the guy she cheated on me with the camper one weekend. I figure it's easier on the kids for me to try to make their mom happy, you know? Besides, she's the mother of my kids - they shouldn't have to choose sides on Christmas..." it sounded logical - not sure I could do it, but it worked out well...

D

Maybe I don't understand the concept as well as I thought initially. The way I understand it, each parent would have to have their own place which they would be responsible to pay for. They would need this place to stay when they weren't in the former marital home. Then, I assume most marital residences are not fully paid for in these days of 30 and 40 year mortgages, so they would both have to continue to pay the mortgage or rent on this home as well. So, basically each parent would be responsible for maintaining 1 1/2 residences. Most single CP (man or woman) have a hard time maintaining one home. Am I missing something?

I had hoped that a variation on this arrangement would have been possible for me, but unfortunately my ex couldn't handle it. I travel occasionally on business, and when we were first divorced my ex moved back into the house while I was gone. This worked well for my boys (teenagers) as it allowed them to maintain their schedule at school and with their friends. I have no other family nearby, so the alternative was for them to stay with friends while I was out of town since my ex lives too far away to allow for a practical commute to school. Unfortunately my ex's mental state was such that he had a difficult time being in our neighborhood, much less our house, so this practical solution ended up being unworkable for him. This was several years ago, and he hasn't set foot in the house since. His choice, not mine although the are also boundary issues which make it best for him not to be in my house.

I applaud those parents who can make this work, but I think it's pretty rare.

As much as children's interests have to be respected, I don't think it is up to them to decide who marries who or who is allowed to visit who.

Taking turns living in the house I think violates some boundaries and privacy of adults. Am i suppose to sleep in the same bed that my ex slept last week and also what happens with my possessions? Do i drag them with me? Where do ex spouses suppose to stay when it is not their turn? And don't we have to maintain 3 residences then?

If kids are the ones who permanently stay in the house but parents just move in and out then who pays mortage? Kids?

I agree that packing and going is hard on kids, that's why 50% custody is too hard. In my opinion kids should have one residence with one parent but spend sufficent amount of time with another parent.

MY PARENTS DID THIS!!! When they divorced ... They rented a one bedroom apartment split all the bills and we the children stayed in the house. They "moved" in and out each week they did it for almost 2 years. Then they decided to sell the "family home". Dad had a GF and Mom had a BF but they never brought their partners to the shared apt. But they did bring them to the house for dinners etc.

They got along just couldn't live together anymore. Neither parent was a saint. Each had their own issues but they got along " for the sake of the children".

We moved to another apartment after my older siblings had moved out thats when my parents sold the house. A year after us living in an apartment our father moved back in. They did not reconcile their marriage but they were friends. My father was not given long to live and rather than him "die alone" my mother asked him to move in with us.

It worked for them because they got along. And there was too many of us for one parent to keep the house with 4 bedrooms and the other to find an apt. or another house with 4 bedrooms. They had been married 25 years and had 5 children when they divorced.

If both parents were civilized, ethical, mature, considerate and well-off financially, I could imagine this working.

But if my Ex had been civilized, ethical, mature and considerate, I'd never have divorced him.