From what I understand (which isn't much) is that courts don't usually like to get in the middle of dictating visitation so it would be in the best interest of all of you to sit down and talk and come to some sort of agreement between you. Once you have then I would go to court (you can go Pro Se which is without attorneys) and formalize the agreement. I wouldn't necessarily send her 1 option, possibly call her or write out several options and see how she reacts. The worst thing you could do is alientate her and then your life becomes miserable. Suggest every other week or she may feel like that is too long without seeing her children. Possibly an every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday overnight... and 2 weeks in the summer.. Or better yet, tell the ex you would like to spend more time with children and what would she think is reasonable. If she had the chance to have some input she might be easier to work with. But I would make it clear that whatever you all decide that you do want it formalized in some way. I would also include the discussion of holidays because that becomes very sticky.. do you split the day or do you do every other holiday... something else to talk about.

Most states have a "standard" visitation schedule of some sort, and if you search online, you can probably find out what it is for your state. If not, a few samples from other states would be handy to have. What the "standard" will do is to give you an idea of what the courts consider "fair" and in the "best interests of the child," assuming there's no abuse, addiction, or other terrible circumstance.

I'd suggest that HE first talk to his Ex (keeping you out of it) and see if she will agree to something either resembling that standard, or somewhere in between what the standard says and what you have. The idea being that if she agrees, it really IS just as simple as drawing up an agreement -- or even just doing it without any paperwork.

Janemarie's suggestion to be nice about it is a good one. And to ask what times would work well for her. Being a single parent is exhausting, especially when the kids are little. She would probably love to have an afternoon - to - overnight out during the week for grocery shopping and other necessaries, or on Friday or Saturday to have some sort of social life.

If she doesn't agree, you can suggest that she ask her lawyer how the court is likely to rule if you have to go that route. It's not quite so nice -- but an ethical lawyer will let her know before starting a losing battle.

"Thanks for making the new kid feel welcome!"

Welcome to the boards! I cant give you any advice on this subject though,I'm clueless about divorce laws and visitation laws myself.

My understanding about how it works in the USA is this: unless you have a lawyer that is looking to pocket money, s/he will advise your soon-to-be-husband to talk to the children's mother first. If those attempts fail, then mediation is suggested (if both parents are amicable, it can be done by the two of them and a family mediator; if not, lawyers are brought in with the mediator... and definitely find yourselves a good lawyer!). Finally, and if that doesn't work, you go before a judge... but this is really something EVERYONE hates. Judges (I come from a family of lawyers and judges, and I personally have had some experience with visitation issues myself, lucky me) detest settling issues that can be dealt with otherwise, so they work somewhat hastly and simply go by the stardard that Sweeby was talking about (which I have found in our experience not to work for anyone, particularly for the children; anyone here can tell you how much I hate and don't believe someone when they say, "in the best interest of the children").

Sweeby said it already, but if your "step-wife" is anything like mine, make yourself scarce and invisible when it comes to these discussions. As soon as things were apparently serious between my now husband and myself, the children's mother became a lot less understanding and a lot more possessive (this before we even said ANYTHING about marriage).

My husband too, at the time of divorce, pretty much agreed to things that make me cringe. What I have found is that there is no perfect decree, that there will ALWAYS be something that will make you unhappy. You will soon learn that there are certain things that you are just going to have to let go (and stay out of for your own personal sanity and well-being) and that divorce is never fun for anyone, even if you weren't part of it! That said, if the decree does read "reasonable visitation", that does leave you with room for change. Many times, those papers are drawn up like that for the sole purpose of allowing change... and if it is still recent enough where not enough precedent has been set to "dictate law" (if something has "always been", it's harder to change), then you are in a good position.

When JaneMarie5 brings up the alienating point, I think it is absolutely valid if not even vital. Hopefully, you are faced with someone where you can use empathy as your "expected response barometer" and you can put yourself in her shoes when weighing the situation. We, unfortunately, can't; we ask ourselves, "How can we make her feel in control?" because the children's mother is very structured and if it doesn't fit in her scheme of things or it comes as a surprise, she will say NO to whatever request my husband makes, even if it may benefit the children or herself!

I know in certain states they require mediation/therapy for divorced parents with the idea in mind that even if they failed as a couple, mom and dad have to learn how to be friends for their children. As difficult as it is, as much as it is an upward path, as hopeless as it may seem at times, I think it's really helpful. Some areas even offer group meetings for both sets of parents to go to... and sometimes, hearing other people go through similar experiences helps too. I rely on some of my step-mom girlfriends that have paved the path before me, I went to a family counselor because I have been stumped by my own personal battles... but in other words, I think ONE OF THE MANY keys to success here is to build yourself a POSITIVE support system that can help you navigate what I found many times to be contraddicting emotions. Oh, and this site, of course, is a great help both for the good days as well as for the bad. Keep us posted!

Here is the best advice you might ever get: You are not a party to the divorce, and should back off.

"do we have to file a motion,"

"can we just call up the ex and see if she'll agree to mediation?"

"can we just send her what we wish to be the new parenting plan/custody agreement"

You should in no way be stepping into the middle of things.
Trust me, it will only cause things to become very, very bad, and may end up with your BF having LESS time with his kids.

" Right now the divorce papers read joint custody, reasonable visitation. I'm a control freak and need something a little more concrete!"

Again, this is not your divorce, it's not about you, and you're playing with fire.

Think about it: Imagine you are divorced with children. Imagine your ex-husband's girlfriend butting in and trying to take control of your divorce and your children. What do you think your reaction would be?

I hope you will really consider what I am saying.