Do I keep quiet or not?

19 years ago

SS is supposedly coming back Sunday after being gone for 3 weeks. Luckily, DH has been out of town most of the week but since his return Wed., he has been unbearable since SS told him he was moving back in with the BM. I told him he was being less than desirable to live with and unfairly taking his anger out on me and DD. DD has chosen to stay with my parents over the next several days until DH can straighten out whatever is going on with SS and BM. DH admits he's cranky and he's hurt, but I also reminded him that I saw this coming and DH should've too. There were sooooo many signs and anytime SS was confronted about his intentions, SS denied any interest in living with BM, so DH would go back to his "ignorance is bliss" mode.

I don't want to spend the next two days in misery waiting for SS to return but want to bring up some of my concerns. So, do I stay quiet until SS comes back and DH has a chance to discuss with SS why he has waited until now to express his desire to go back with BM? Or do I lay it out on the line now what I expect since I'm always the one who is here with SS? I'm really torn about this. I'm the kind of person who needs to talk about these things while DH needs to be left alone until he's ready to talk. I honestly understand that this is sorrowing and devastating for DH no matter how much he's brought it upon himself, but I also want to make this go as smoothly as I can for ALL involved, especially since we have all been walking on eggshells for so long.

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Comments (4)

angelz921
19 years ago
I personally think you should sit down and talk with him, if you don't then you will just stew over it until you can't take it anymore. The longer you wait the more chance you have at you and him arguing in the discussion. You don't deserve to be treated like that and neither does your DD. He is aloud to be upset but isn't aloud to act the way he apparently had been. And apparently its gotten so bad that your DD has gone to stay with family while he gets over it!
laurels4u
Original Author
19 years ago
Yes, DD is at my parents house. She and I both know from past experiences that anytime SS steps on DH's toes, we take the brunt of DH's anger, which isn't fair to us. I pointed that out to DH the other evening and again, he's in denial.
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vistajpdf
19 years ago
Laurels,

You're a woman and he's a man - we definitely deal w/ stuff differently. We want to talk, they want to ignore it all - bury their heads in the sand til they explode.

Is your DH your DD's father? I'm sorry, I tried to scan a bit to see this issue as I seem to not be familiar w/ it (or have short term memory malfunctions!) I recall DH being irresponsible w/ money with respect to SS, and you seeing this move coming, but I can't remember much else.

Anyway, I think you're in a bind. You and DD should NOT be the whipping posts for this. My DH used to do a similar thing, only more along the lines of some silent treatment, when his kids would bother him. Like you, we all walked on eggshells.

How I wish we had gone to counseling back then - I think we'd have been much better off in all respects. Is that an option for you? Would DH go w/ you?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but when my DH and I had our recent woes, a friend said, "Make an appt. w/ a counselor and tell him that you think this marriage is worth saving - if he does, too, he can show up - then give him the time and place of your appt." It worked for us.

All the best,
Dana
laurels4u
Original Author
19 years ago
DD is not DH's biological child. She's closer to DH than her own father.

DH was supposed to begin counseling with me but since he's on the road for work so much, he's never been able to attend my appointments. He is supposed to be in town the next two weeks so I'm going to have to call the therapist and beg for an emergency appt.

In the meantime, grandparents and BM are pulling crap with DH about SS's return. We just got a message from BM that SS isn't coming back tomorrow as planned but rather she has been in contact with the grandparents who have SS in another state right now. She said it was ok for GPs to keep SS and BM expects DH to pick up SS on Tuesday night, which is 2-1/2 hours away. DH is furious.

I asked DH tonight before all of this happened what his intentions were about SS. He said he's going to tell SS that this is not a game we're playing and if SS wants to go live with BM, then that's fine, but should he decide after a week or two that it was a mistake and he wants to come back, that it's too bad. He also said that he doesn't intend to try to trump any offers that were made by BM to get SS to move in with her. I told him that it wasn't an option for us right now to be trying to buy a child.

Do I keep quiet or not?

Comments (4)

angelz921

laurels4u
Original Author

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Do I keep quiet or not?

Comments (4)

angelz921

laurels4uOriginal Author

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vistajpdf

laurels4uOriginal Author

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laurels4u
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laurels4u
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