Yes and Yes. I am not sure exactly how it works in NY, but you can get a mediator. You can also take the whole family to a counselor, even though you are noncustodial. We are non-custodial (or were last week anyhow..lol) and we took SS to doctors, psychologists,...everything, and technically didn't even have 'legal custody'. Since SS is on DH's insurance it wasn't an issue. Or at least, no one questioned it since we were doing a positive thing for SS... who would? Especially since your DH has joint custody, there should be no question about it. But getting a mediator you can do FOR SURE. Just write a letter to Friend of the Court, or whatever family court is establishing your case.

Good luck!

Go to your local courthouse,and tell them your seeking mediation concerning visitation. That there are alot of emotional problems with the children due to the Bio mom's actions, and reactions, that your seeking counciling for them, but there are unresolved issues between both parties, and have no middle ground as far as a mediator outside of the court. Explain that every attempt to have a civil conversation results in an unecessary argument, which isn't in the best interest of the children, and you need to address this with the ex in a civil setting.
A certified letter will be delivered to her explaining your attempt to resolve said issues, giving her a choice of dates, and she'll need to call in her response to the chosen mediator within a certain amount of time. Keep in mind whoever initiates this has to pay for it.
Best of luck to you!

Mikkella is right about having to pay. In MI the fee is only 30 dollars or something like that though, so I wouldn't hesitate. I've heard it can take up to 6 months to get a date for the mediator though! THe counselor idea would be something you could do for your family and step kids much sooner though!

Kelo and Mikella-
Thank you both so very much for the information. If mediation is only like $30- I think that is EXCELLENT and will have to look into it. I will also check into counseling, just wanted to make sure we were within our legal rights and boundaries before we did anything. Because if we weren't- the BM would definitely have our heads on a platter!!
BUT now things have even gotten worse than they were! On the childrens last visit all hell broke loose. BH asked his 3 kids to vaccuum the downstairs- a chore that would have taken them each about 4 minutes!! Immediately the oldest (12) starts in "Why do WE have to do it?" "WE didn't make the mess!" and on and on. Then the twins (9) of course followed her lead! BH told them they needed to do it because this is their home to and he asked them to! Well they started CRYING, real tears over all this.
Finally (after about 45 minutes) the twins did it (still crying as they did it).... but 12 yr. old was still adamantely refusing! So after about 1.5 hrs of the oldest still sitting in a chair and refusing to get up- my BH went over and took her by the arm and tried tipping the folding chair up (to get her out!) AT this pt. the twins came and started literally attacking their dad- slapping, hitting, etc... saying he CAN'T touch there sister and they are calling their mom! Well hubby gave each of twins one crack on their seat end and told they were NOT using the phone because they were being punished!
Well to make a longer story a little shorter- they repeatedly told my BH they HATED him and HATED it at our house and they were NEVER coming back. BH finally couldn't take their abuse anymore and told them to call their mom. She came and picked them up 20 minutes later! Now my BH is VERY depressed and withdrawn! I am very worried about him.
Wouldn't a reasonable mother ask why they got in trouble? And then tell them she is NOT picking them up and they should listen to their dad?? Instead of running out to rescue them?
2 last things- they DO NOTHING at home and i think that is why it is such an adjustment to be HERE!
And my BH is REALLY the most even tempered, sweet, easy to get along with person I have ever met! We have been together 6 yrs and this is only the 2nd time he has spanked them!
Well as always ty for listening and any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

oops- i meant DH- not BH... was thinking "beloved husand"!! But glad to see in the post "Definitions"- that I'm not the only one who is confused!

May,
No, this mother would not care why the kids got in trouble. She seems to like to be the good guy and the kids have just learned how to play one against the other. Nothing is going to change with her. She's going to continue with her behavior and the kids will continue with theirs. The sad part is that when these two had these children together, she sure seemed to have thought he was a good enough person and father then. Just because a divorce happens, people get all bitter. The only people who are losing this battle are the parents. The kids will form their own opinions over the years. They may see with their own eyes that their father isn't a bad person and only that their mother made up stories and twisted stuff. However, the oldest one is 12 and that's usually when they figure this stuff out. They may have heard stuff for too long. I guess couseling would be a good idea. The fits and rages and things are a good reason to have a talk with these kids and get things out in the open. Good luck.

Document this incident, and any other, and bring it to the mediator as an example. He is their parent as well, and has EVERY right to dicipline them. But the ex sounds like the type to blow it wayyyy out of porportion, and use it against DH. I'd of slapped their butts LONG before he did!! LOL And added a chore for every five minutes they refused. Tell him not to feel bad, it's nothing he did, the children are just brainwashed to what their mother tells them. It's not fair, and I know it hurts like hell. It's hard when you have an Ex that is more of a child then the children. Definately get them into therapy, something else to bring to the mediator as proof of the damage she's causing. Remember, things always get worse before they get better.