SS Doesn't Like My Personality Update

19 years ago

Thanks for the input to all who gave great advice on how to address issue of SS whose stomach turns at the mention of my name.

I did gently point out in my letter to SS that most of my cutting remarks had to do with illegal drugs, underage drinking and friends whose names have appeared in the police blotter. I apologized - the sarcasm is a defense mechanism for dealing with unpleasant things, and I know it can be hurtful to those it is directed at. I also mentioned that alot of our arguments and issues had to do with lack of respect to dad and SM and disregard for house rules, and that hopefully with his sobriety these things won't be an issue.

Part of his exact response, which was posted on the treatment center's website, was, "I have to be honest. There are still things I don't like about you as a person. You may think your comments are harmless, but I find them offensive." He also went on to say that a lot of what he didn't like centered around my "authoritarian state" in regard to his illegal activities. I do want to shake him and yell in his face, "What did you expect? What did you expect to happen when you brought drugs and underage drinking into my home? Did you think I was just going to let it go?"

I was really upset about yet another attack on me as a person. But then I got to thinking. It's pretty harsh to say, "I don't like you as a person." I could say the same thing to him. "I don't like that you are a liar, and that you lied about almost everything. I don't like your disrespectful attitude. I don't like that you brought drugs and alcohol into my home. I don't like that my reaction to your behavior affected the way I treated my husband and my other children. I don't like that you brought out the worst in me." But I don't think I could say, "I don't like you as a person." I think I would say, "There are things that you do, or that you have done, that I don't like. The difference is subtle, yet meaningful. I'm hoping that my 17 yo SS, as bright as he is, is just having "articulation difficulties," vs. really not liking his stepmom.

The rest of his response was positive and hopeful, but that part about not liking me as a person still stings.

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Comments (8)

popi_gw
19 years ago
Its good to remember that its the "behaviour" that is not liked, and not the "person".
laurels4u
19 years ago
Will you be able to respond to the letter that he wrote you with all of the things you mentioned above?
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Hi, there

I have been in similar shoes.

Alcohol abuse gives abusers an overwhelming sense of entitlement.

Also, he's telling you that he doesn't like authority figures.

It's not personal. It's your role he doesn't like. You could be anyone.

Resist the urge to fire back. It's so easy to say something
that you can't take back.

You did your part by trying to apologize.

Someday, when he is older (25 in my case) and independent,
and alcohol free, he will warm up to you.

And when it happens, you will almost not know how to act. : )
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
A guy locked up in re-hab evaluates your personality & finds it wanting because you didn't play into his scenario & enable him to destroy his own life & everyone else's as well.

A policeman (I helped him buy a house) once told me that it doesn't matter who you are or what your background, education, moral training...
*nothing* matters to an alcoholic except alcohol, nothing matters to a drug addict except the drug.

The person is no longer in control;
the alcohol/drug is in control.

"Alcoholic" & "drug addict" *become* the person's personality-manipulative, detached, cold.

(ever notice how so many alkies & druggies seem like the same person? They are.)

& it affects the personalities of their families, too.

It gives the family no choice but to become "authoritarian" (or else get carried away in the alcoholic whirlpool-as you said, your only other choice would be to turn a blind eye to the presence of alcohol & drugs in your home, & it doesn't stop there).

Don't get manipulated into trying to develop a healthy relationship when he's in rehab; he has time on his hands, & he's all into manipulation. If he can make you feel bad about yourself, he's got control.

& if he doesn't like authoritarianism, he better stay away from jail...
cawfecup
19 years ago
He is not in recovery yet...just rehab facility... he is still "blaming" someone else for his actions. He is going to come out and repeat his behavior based on his responses.

Its your fault he did it ... if you hadn't been so sarcastic, he wouldn't have a problem now.
(thats what he is thinking)

You're not my mom you can't tell me what to do!!!
(same words just stated differently)
angelz921
19 years ago
Tamar -

Boy oh Boy I have been in your SS's shoes! It took me almost dieing to see the light. It is everyone else's fault, it is your fault he is where he is, so on and so forth. God I remember thinking those same things, that I was doing nothing wrong. I hated everyone who ever put me in a position I didn't like. Has he been evaluated for a mental disorder? PTSS or depression, maybe something that is causing these behaviors?

Do not take his attacks on you personally, you are just one of the people he knows he can hurt with his words. One day he will thank you, might not be tomorrow or in 6 months or even a year but he will. I did.

The key is not to let his behavior affect yours, he can not dictate your life! He is a minor, not an adult and should be treated accordingly, as hard as it sounds it's true. When he does these things and you acted the way you did by having him put in rehab, you did the right thing. You need to remind yourself that! You did the right thing, for your family, for you and more importantly for him!

Give yourself a pat on the back, and I'd give you a hug if I could. Your behavior could have or will save that boys life!
sweeby
19 years ago
I'm so sorry he's still blaming you, and I agree with the others that it's really still a 'him' thing and not about you at all.

I especially agree with Cawfe that he's not really in 'recovery' yet or he'd be getting past blaming you and understand that he's responsible for his own bad choices.

One other thing that really jumps out at me -- You could make a pretty good case for blaming his enabling no-limits mom. You could even make a decent case for blaming the dad who's never home. But to blame the one person who was always there with consistent limits?

Just my opinion, but I think he's blaming YOU because he's afraid to blame THEM. I don't think he feels secure enough in either bio parent's love to point the ugly finger of blame publicly on them. They might pull away even further.

I sincerely hope he isn't discharged before these issues are worked through -- because he doesn't sound ready. Not even close.
vistajpdf
19 years ago
Tamar,

You did nothing I wouldn't have done. Yes, I'd have jumped up and down, too, had anyone brought illegal drugs and underage drinking into my house, too. You needed to protect your other children and yourself!

I've once heard that nice things should be written down, negative ones verbally said. So, the most I would come back with would be, "I realize how you feel about me. I only wish the choices you made which caused our relationship to deteriorate had not been made. You had and have choices to make. I hope from here on out, you make smart choices as the other ones have consequences."

I'm not sure if you saw my take on the camping trip as I was late to chime in. I think I may have been the only one to advise you to skip it and not have your son be the only one w/o his mother there for the first day of K. Here, we all take pics, etc, and I would no sooner skip that to attend something for this SS of yours than I would put a hole in my head. JMHO.

Dana

SS Doesn't Like My Personality Update

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