First of all, she is not your step-daughter until you are married, but that's a techinicality, assuming you will be married soon...

Most knowledgeable people (experts, therapists, etc) hold the opinion that even after you are married, discipline remains your husbands (fiancee's) responsibility. I agree. Not to say that if the child is going to do something that would result in her getting harmed or breaking something, you can't step in, but as far as laying ground rules, establishing what is acceptable and not, and most importantly deciding on and dishing out punishment when required...yes this is all on him.

You can talk to him about this stuff, try and persuade him to be more consistent with things, etc...but in the end, its his child, not yours. All you can really do is try to guide him in being a better parent, and in the end when it's evident the path he will take with the child, decide if you want to be a part of it or not.

Stay out of it for the most part, it's best for everyone. Good luck.

I agree with mkroopy.

I also would not sweat mom trying to dictate who is around her daughter during dad's weekend. Unless the child is in danger the courts understand that dad's need to work. If he can pick his daughter up from daycare then he should. If not, then is mom going to do it and meet him to drop off the child?

Thank you so much for all the insight on this one! :)
nice to hear from others on these situations.

Willpower... I am struggling with the same issues you are and it is very difficult! I don't have any words of wisdom for you or any good examples of what has worked for my situation, I just have a great deal of empathy! I am running out of patience. Good luck and please share how things are going, we can all learn together!

dawnsmith: For sure! I will post again in a week or so from now when we have her again. We had such a rough day because she told me she was being bullied at daycare and I decided (with dads permission) to keep her with me for the day until dad got home to drop her back off at her moms... So I planned some things and went out etc.. She just doesn't listen to me very well, and it is SO frusterating. She is also very hyper. I guess I expect for her to be well mannered and for her to listen majority of the time and I am beginning to see that this is not something she has been taught or she decides not to do for whatever reason. Long story short when I got back to her dad for her to be dropped off she wouldn't get out of the car or give me the dog to take inside. So I got her dad to go out to the car and get her. I really was so upset I had to sit down away from them to calm down. After she was dropped off at mom's, dad got really mad at me saying that 'if i can't handle her then I shouldn't take her anywhere and let him deal with it.'.. Which upset me more because I feel like I am trying to help out by doing things with her and he works so I have to take her to daycare in the am. So the next day I literally told him that because this is causing such a ruckus in our relationship I will not take her anywhere or be around her without him anymore... I will not be responsible to take her to daycare on mondays when he has work early, and I will be staying the nights in a different room or at my parents because I refuse to sleep with a 7 year old child any longer... And he doesn't have the energy to fight with her. I feel as though I have to put my foot down in some way because I can't handle the current situation so I must make alternative plans to protect myself before I end up having a nervous breakdown. Also I may mention that she adores me, she always wants me around, she's never disrespectful in rude ways or anything its really just the not listening thing, and the way she runs the show with her father that drives me crazy. I want the best for her, and I know he needs to put his foot down or when she is a teen we all are going to be sorry.... What's you current situation?

>>dad got really mad at me saying that 'if i can't handle her then I shouldn't take her anywhere and let him deal with it.'..Whoa, what a d*ck move. I would have told him, "Yes, you are so right. You need to take care of your child yourself." If THAT how he shows his appreciation for you helping him with her, you shouldn't do anything anymore.

Willpower, It sounds like you are trying so hard to like and love this child, when deep down inside you know you don’t. It’s okay. You don’t dislike the child, you dislike her bad behavior.

If you are at the point of feeling you are going to have a nervous breakdown something needs to change.

I dated a man that had a spoiled 7 year old son. My main complaint with the child was that he didn’t listen. Why? Because his dad didn’t make him. He would tell him to stop doing something but the son just wouldn't mind! Dad would say “go to your room” son would bat his eyes and go “NOOOOOOOOO” and dad would not make him go to his room. Five minutes later the boy would do the exact same thing again, dad would say “go to your room” again, son would cry “NOOOOOOOOO” again and dad would not do anything AGAIN. I watched this happen I kid you not TWENTY TIMES. It got on my last nerve.

Not to mention when dad asked me to watch his son for him he didn’t listen to me either. But I couldn’t handle it. I finally told my BF that I could not handle a kid that I did not raise and could not discipline the way he needed to be. I could not respect a man that could not stand up his son and make him mind. End of story is I broke up with BF.

The problem with these fathers is they usually don’t get a lot of time with their kids and they feel disciplining their kids will spoil the limited amount of time they have with their kids. If they only realized they won’t have to spend all their time disciplining their kids once they’ve learned how to behave.

Oh yeah, it doesn't get any better, either. After I broke up with my BF he called me one day. He told he he realized what I was telling him about his son’s behavior and that he was going to start making his son mind.

So a couple of months later he invited me and my two daughters over for his son's birthday. Our kids are still friends, so we went. Well, exBF's son was STILL not listening to his dad, and dad was STILL not making him mind.

Another time, I had to go over to his house to pick up some mail that had went to his house instead of mine. When I was there we chatted for a minute. I’m sitting at the table with ex-BF, trying to have a conversation with him.

His son comes and sits down at the table with us like he's one of the adults. He keeps interrupting us while we're trying to talk. And instead of telling his son to go play so we could talk, ex-BF lets him interrupt. I finally got fed up and said I had to go.

All this just confirmed to me that I made the right decision to break up with him when I did.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Thu, Aug 1, 13 at 15:38

aww wow, that must have been sort of a double edged sword to see his son still behaving that way... I mean good job for seeing it and leaving before it was too late for your sanity!!!. I know I cannot handle her anymore so I am going to stick to my original agreement and just stay out of it for now. But just as your situation went I don't have too much faith in my fiance to actually get her under control and as you mentioned the guilt he feels too. We are also buying a house right now, and I am seriously having my doubts. I always have my nieces and nephews over and I watch them when their parents are at work etc and they respect me. I keep having these thoughts that I will have to leave my own house every two weeks because she will be disrespecting me, or my fiance and tearing the house apart. As I also mentioned this will be a transition for her to get her own room where she needs to sleep in her own bed... and I really think this is going to be a horrific experience for us. I don't want to leave because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and support him, but I am also extremely afraid that once we decide to have children of our own she will be even worse. I mean its just such a hard position to be in as a step-mom because you want to be there for them, and you look at them as your own but then your not... I feel as though I have ZERO say over raising her etc.. and I know its easier to say when you are on the outside... Just a lot running through my head through the move... Amber are you currently with someone else and do you have stepchildren now?

You are right it was a double edged sword. It was good to see I made the right decision by breaking up with him, but still sad to see that dad hadn’t changed.

You mentioned you are planning on buying a house with this man. I would seriously ask you to think long and hard about doing this. Take it from me, if things go bad, it is going to be a nightmare trying to get out of the situation.

If you buy a house together, the ONLY way to get your name off the mortgage is if one of you refinances it under their name alone. And who decides who gets to keep the house and who moves out? With both of your names on the mortgage, you won’t be able to get him to move out and keep the house for yourself.

He may become a d*ck and refuse to move out, and legally, since his name is on the mortgage there will be nothing you can do. Even if you move out, he may not be able to get it refinanced under his name alone. If he does not make enough money on his own or if his credit is poor, the bank may just refuse to let him refinance it.

That is what happened to me when I was getting divorced. Both of our names were on the mortgage, and my ex-Husband refused to move out. I wound up moving out myself. ExH continued living in the house. He tried to get it refinanced under his name alone, but since he did not make enough money, the bank would not agree to refinance it. He continued living in the house but did not pay the mortgage. It eventually went into foreclosure, ruining BOTH of our credit.

Another thing to think of, there is ALWAYS the possibility that your BF could have his daughter more than every two weeks. When I was dating my BF, we both never in a million years thought the BM would EVER let BF have custody of his son. She was so dependant on the CS she got for him we thought she would never let the boy go to live with his dad.

Well, two months before we were going to move in together, BM says she can’t handle working, going to school and the son and would BF like to have his son? Of course BF jumped at the chance, and went from every other weekend visitation to having his son 24/7. Almost immediately BM stopped seeing her son so BF didn’t even get a break from the boy. Well, I could barely handle the boy every other weekend, I KNEW I could not handle him full time. This change made me wake up and realize the relationship was just not going to work.

When you date someone with kids, there is always the possibility that he could have his kids full time. BM could get sick or God forbid - die. She could get into trouble and lose custody through neglect or abuse. You just never know.

After I broke up with exBF, I dated a few men. I now realize that even though I saw the red flags with exBF, I did not want to see them. After I broke up with him, I started looking for the red flags and paying attention to them. I didn’t automatically rule out dating men with kids, but if they did have kids, I paid close attention to how they parented their children.

Eventually, I wound up dating someone who does not have any children. We’ve been together a little over a year now, and just moved in together about a month ago. Things are great, he gets along well with my two daughters, but I believe that is because I make my children mind and make sure they respect my BF.

I never expected him to love my kids as I love them, but he has grown to love them, and tells them so all the time. My kids have a father, but I glad that my BF is there to be another positive male role model in their lives.

Willpower, I realize my posts might sound very negative but that's not my intent. I only tell you my experiences, to warn you of what could very likely happen.

I dated the man with the spoiled 7 year old for two years. Breaking up with him was very hard to do because even though I knew it was the right decision, I was still in love with him. I just want to save you a little bit of heartache if possible.

It IS possible to have a happy blended family, but for it work, the bio parent and step parent HAVE to be united. Bioparent HAS to make his/her children behave and make sure the kids respect the step parent.

Oh no I completely appreciate all the insight and personal stories. I am so glad I found this forum! All of your experience is helping me really think about the situation. And just as you said, its hard to open your eyes sometimes and see what is before you. I will be taking some alone time to really assess the situaton and watching closely on how he is parenting.. But just as yours ended I will leave as well if he doesn't atleast make a good effort to correct the behaviors. =) thanks again and I will keep you posted for sure! It's hard but we have to remember ourselves too! And protecting my life and future from a whole lot of mess is the main thing I am thinking about now.

Amber has given excellent advice, especially about the house. As long as these other issues linger unresolved, it's better to put any critical financial decision on hold.

just another point of view to invite compassion -

as a mother, the very idea of a stranger influencing and parenting my child would be ter.ri.fy.ing. I don't allow people I don't know really really well to babysit my kids, much less parent them. Be patient with her point of view.

Your husband, or soon to be husband, has visitation. YOU do not. Stop with the we. I can see how this attitude is annoying to mom. She may accept that her ex is entitled to visitation, but you are not.

When a couple splits up it is not generally because they both agree to do it and at the same time. There is a lot of emotions that go with it. The custodial parent usually does not heal from it as quickly as the noncustodial parent. They just do not have time.

Mom may not be dealing well with the whole situation. Ex-husband is getting married and that means her child is getting a step-MOM. It is easier for dad to do fun stuff with his daughter because he does have the day to day responsibilities. If you are picking up his daughter from daycare then he is not doing it during his time with the child either.

Your BF's child is exposed to all of this whether anyone likes it or not. She is going to push her behavior to the limit because she is allowed to. I can not agree more about the child sleeping in their own bed. That needs to stop yesterday. It means that you and her dad will not get any sleep, but you just keep putting her back to her own bed. Do not expect her mom to help. For some reason many divorced parents expect their children to behave well for everyone but the divorced other parent and their significant other. Some take pride in that bad behavior.

I still feel firmly not to worry about mom's threats. Try instead to focus on what is going on in your house.

My advice to you is to figure all this out well before you get married. It amazes me the comments by people who say be patient with the biological mom. The biological mom isn't concerned with her child. She is mad because there is another woman involved with her child. I know it can be difficult for a mom to share her child with her ex's new wife, or soon to be, but a real mother sets aside her own insecurities and thinks about what is best for her child.

Unless you can work these things out with your boyfriend and his ex, you are in for only heartache for the rest of your life. If you can work things out, you have the chance for a wonderful relationship with everyone involved. And it is true that you should not be the major disciplinarian in a step-child's life, but once there are rules set by the biological parent, you should be allowed to monitor that they are followed, particularly since the child is very young. And you should be involved in setting those rules outside of the child's hearing.

It sounds like this little girl has been given way too much power in her life. She thinks she is in charge, and that is only going to make her unhappy. Kids like rules and do well when they are clear and enforced. It also sounds like your boyfriend is giving you many mixed messages and is in no way sympathetic about how difficult this is for you. Do you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't care about how you are suffering?

And he is really harming his daughter by feeling guilty about his marriage breaking up and therefore letting her do what she wants. She needs to sleep in her own bed, do what she is told, and know that her parents are in charge and not her. You could tell her that if she isn't old enough to sleep in her own bed, she can't do other grown up things she wants to do like watching certain television shows, or wearing certain clothes, etc. Make it be her decision, but encourage her to make the correct one. She will be happier in the end.

It also sounds like you and your boyfriend would benefit from some counseling about parenting. This would be without the child, but about the child. And your boyfriend and his ex should also discuss parenting and come to some agreement about what your role is. If the ex is dictating what happens in your life together, it will only get worse. She is the mom, but she should allow you to do what she would allow a friend of hers to do for her daughter and that is the least.

Good luck.

My advice to you is to figure all this out well before you get married. It amazes me the comments by people who say be patient with the biological mom. The biological mom isn't concerned with her child. She is mad because there is another woman involved with her child. I know it can be difficult for a mom to share her child with her ex's new wife, or soon to be, but a real mother sets aside her own insecurities and thinks about what is best for her child.

Unless you can work these things out with your boyfriend and his ex, you are in for only heartache for the rest of your life. If you can work things out, you have the chance for a wonderful relationship with everyone involved. And it is true that you should not be the major disciplinarian in a step-child's life, but once there are rules set by the biological parent, you should be allowed to monitor that they are followed, particularly since the child is very young. And you should be involved in setting those rules outside of the child's hearing.

It sounds like this little girl has been given way too much power in her life. She thinks she is in charge, and that is only going to make her unhappy. Kids like rules and do well when they are clear and enforced. It also sounds like your boyfriend is giving you many mixed messages and is in no way sympathetic about how difficult this is for you. Do you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't care about how you are suffering?

And he is really harming his daughter by feeling guilty about his marriage breaking up and therefore letting her do what she wants. She needs to sleep in her own bed, do what she is told, and know that her parents are in charge and not her. You could tell her that if she isn't old enough to sleep in her own bed, she can't do other grown up things she wants to do like watching certain television shows, or wearing certain clothes, etc. Make it be her decision, but encourage her to make the correct one. She will be happier in the end.

It also sounds like you and your boyfriend would benefit from some counseling about parenting. This would be without the child, but about the child. And your boyfriend and his ex should also discuss parenting and come to some agreement about what your role is. If the ex is dictating what happens in your life together, it will only get worse. She is the mom, but she should allow you to do what she would allow a friend of hers to do for her daughter and that is the least.

Good luck.

Amber, Teachfamily, Readinglady, and others offer some very sound advice. And they have been very gentle and polite about it, too. So, out of love for a fellow woman, and possibly step-mom to be, I say, "Stop! Don't look at another piece of real estate until you and hubby resolve some important issues!"

It sounds like you still have a real shot at making this a good marriage....even a great lifetime marriage. However, you need to take care of the basic ground rules first....you know, the ones you need in order to survive NOW. Can these "rules" be modified or outgrown in the future? Probaby! However, initially, you need them to establish an even bigger and more important part of the picture, and that is respect for ALL involved parties.

My guess is that the child is not an idiot. I'm sure she has wonderful traits that need a proper environment in which to be nurtured. She will need guidance, discipline, love, acceptance, trust, firmness, warmth, and, often re-direction.

I agree with the member who posted a suggestion about counseling. This would be a great time to look into that - before you are engulfed in heavier issues with greater consequences and - by then - and with no plan about how to handle them...

You obviously love them both, so do what is right, now, (don't jump into owning that home, yet), in preparation for a stronger, happier, more stable future life.

Through the process of counseling and the project of working out a design that you and your fiance and his daughter find reasonable, you will get to know each other even better. At some point you will find that the three of you are going to be able to work really well together or you will find that this situation will most probably be an exhausting uphill battle that you most probably should not attempt to climb. Be patient and be in prayer!

Good Luck!

ohh my word.... please listen to me!!! the hard part is not now when she is still small the hard part comes when she gets older, if your husband or boyfriend keeps quiet and make stories up to protects his daughter, believe me she will notice it and she will eventually drive you mad and do what she does, i had the same problem except i had a older boy as well and i thought ohh it will get better as soon as they grow up and realize its naughty, haha no way , now they are doing what they want because they can get away with murder in their fathers eyes , because i wasnt allowed to do anything or open my mouth when they were naughty , they dont give a flying f%$# what i say or do, thats their daddys house and daddys rules stuff u!!!! they are 19 and 16 now and believe me its hell!!!! you put your foot down girl and you fight for yourself, you tell your boyfriend if he wants you to except his daughter into your life he must allow you to be fully in control of her as if you were her mother, and allow you to stand up for yourself your house your life !!

I just read the latest posts on here girls... a lot of different views on what to do... As an update because I always love seeing updates when I read stories on here lol... Mom moved into a two bedroom apartment and so my 'step daughter' has been used to sleeping in her own bed because of that so we have had no issues. =D I decided with the collaboration of friends and family input that I will be allowing dad to take the reigns with her and until he has a solid grasp on what he is even doing in the parenting sector I am staying out of it. If she acts up and he does nothing about it, I will remove myself from the situation....I invited them both to my cousins house to swim etc with my nieces and it was a great day. Dad had to discipline her and it worked out fine. Although she did begin pushing my niece's car seat chair back and forth and I had to ask her to stop about 8 times along with my 3 year old niece. The cars were all full so I offered to take all the kids when we all left... .Again a tiny reminder of why I can not be alone with this child... It is like every time I try to do something nice and allow her to come along with me because she asks or I offer to be accomodating, these things occur.

He has her this weekend so I am staying away until sunday (which he is not exactly excited about).. it gives me some time with my gfs and family... I want them two to spend a lot of the time together as she IS there to see HIM. My step-dad passed away two weeks ago bless his soul - him and I we just as close as my father and I... and I learned I was pregnant only to find out I lost the baby also these passed two months. Needless to say I am seeing my therapist and I am going to do exactly what I need to at any given time which is her advice. I need to be extra nice to myself as my emotions are all over the place... However, is it extremely crazy to say that my feelings towards my 'step daughter' are a bit distanced>??... I really don't want to go there this weekend at all... I feel horrendous because she wants to see me but I keep feeling like its too soon and I won't be emotionally stable enough to handle being around my fiancee's child.. He of course doesn't understand this.... I am going to try my best to spend time with her on sunday, I have some baking planned for us etc it may actually be thereaputic... Has anyone ever gone through a loss like this and then felt mixed feelings toward their step child? I really want to be 100% when I see her because it is not her fault, and I don't want to not be myself when she is around. Kids pick up on these things you know... Any suggestions?

If she wants to see you tell her "no, not until you learn to mind me". It would be a good lesson for her. Could it be she has a mental problem instead of just spoiled.

So glad you came back here to give an update, Willpower!

So sorry to hear you had a miscarriage. I would suggest going on birth control for the time being, until your relationship with BF is more stable.

You are going through an emotional time, you're dealing with the loss of your stepdad and a miscarriage, of course you don't want to deal with BF's daughter right now. Dealing with a bratty 7 year old who doesn't do what they're told can be irritating even in the best of situations.

Your fiancee should not be pushing you to spend time with his child. He needs to give you time to deal with your loss. Does he expect you to step in and be a mother to his daughter?

It will interesting to see how things went this past weekend for your BF.

I had this argument with my then BF. He complained that his son's BM was a bad mother because she yelled at his son. I told BF I yell at my kids sometimes, am I a bad mother? He said well, there is NEVER any reason to lose your temper with your kids.

I said it's real easy to be patient with a child, when you only have them every other weekend and one night a week. No one is perfect and when you have your child day in and day out, after a while you are going to lose your temper. They are going to get on your nerves and sometimes you are going to yell at them. Doesn't mean you're a bad parent, it means you're not perfect.

So how did the weekend go for your BF and his daughter?

The weekend wasn't as horrible as I thought it would have been... To reply first to the comment about a mental disorder for the child... I do not claim to have any psychological degree however I am too leaning more towards that as a possibility... I think she has ADHD, many people have actually asked me that when they meet her and spend time with her which it also runs in the family... But as the story goes, she is not mine and I have zero say so that is left for Dad and Mom to figure out.

This past weekend went less hectic than I thought it would be. Dad took her out for the majority of sunday, and saturday we had an engagement party while she went to her cousins birthday.... She still has trouble listening to me and having dad around disciplining her has been working oddly enough. He actually listened to my wishes and was enforcing rules all weekend and she responded very well... But I will be taking more time for myself and for my family and friends in the future when he has her. After all she is there to see him.

To answer your question ...which sounds bad but .. I believe that he sometimes is at a loss for what to do as the parent. He lived at home with his mother for some time and conveniently Nana did most of the work regarding his daughter or he took her out places etc which takes the pressure and focus off of him having to think and have full responsibility for keeping her in line. Not to be mistaken with it being bad he has her out, i think its great. I am just saying it's a change to have to actually teach her life skills and make a schedule that is healthy for her. And men of course will try to give you all the work they would rather not do... Also his mother (my mother in law to be) texted me saying that when she was dropping his daughter off she told her Nana how much she loves me because I take such good care of her, and always give her a lot of love, and cook for her. She says she told her Bio mom this as well.. That made me feel good for the sacrificing I do (as we all know we always sacrifice for the kids sake)... I'm glad at 7 she actually notices the things I do, and I hope our relationship turns out to be one that works for us... whether conventional and traditional or not... I do want what is best for her, its SO hard to watch her life unfold because I can see all the things she has to go through and I know what it is like for a young girl.

Dad will be keeping the guidelines or the rules of the house in order. And as much as we can keep her on a good schedule because she seems to actually like that. Her life at moms is very 'all over the place' for lack of a better saying.... Dad asked bio mom if he paid for an extra-curricular activity if she would take the daughter to it and bio mom flat out said nope... This made me very sad for the little one especially for her future. Anyway I am staying positive and continuing my 'step mom' position of overlooking everything and having absolutely no say over it lol! feels like we are ghosts sometimes although we wish we could help right?

And I do agree sometimes they need discipline... Moreso structure and guidelines I think thats a parent's huge job to getting the child ready for their life in the big world =)...Of course we also has lots of fun.. I bought all the stuff to make cupcakes and she helped me make them sunday to send to dads work for all the guys.. Good turn out! She had a lot of fun and even wore an apron haha! good pictures we took...

While it is true that " But as the story goes, she is not mine and I have zero say", if you have a good idea she might have ADHD it's a little uncaring IMO to say "so that is left for Dad and Mom to figure out."

You could always say to Dad at an appropriate moment, "Have you ever considered SD might have ADHD? It could explain some of her behaviour. At least if you got it checked out you'd know, which would help you formulate a strategy for helping her."

Willpower, I would caution you against doing all this "sacrificing".

While your heart is in the right place, remember she is not your child. Even if you were to marry her father you would still have no rights to her. If the two of you divorce you would have no rights to ever see her again.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do things for her, just remember to manage your expectations.

It would be good to talk to biodad about getting her tested for ADHD, to see if she does need help or just to rule it out. But sometimes it's just a matter of a kid needing discipline - rewards and punishments and it doesn't sound like she has had much of either.

@willpower I am seeing this thread SIX years later. I would love to know how things are now that the little one is probably about 13 (pre-teens) which brings on a new level of relationship. I host a radio talk show that deals with parenting. I would love to do a phone interview with you on the show to talk about what you have learned from the experience. (Or anyone who has been dealing with power struggles in a relationship involving a child.).

You can always check out this site for the real, real step world: https://www.steptalk.org/