Well our wedding was definately not the traditional wedding but we included all the kids.

My ss was a ringbearer, my sd's were bridesmaids, and my son was a groomsman. We included a nephew as a groomsman also that way both stepdaughters would walk with kids.

As for afterwards, we knew it would be a late night with the reception so we just brought the kids home with us. They fell asleep right away anyways. We were already living together.

And at the reception there was so much family and friends that we were not the ones watching our kids the whole time (and they were not that young anyways, except my ss and my mother in law kept him close to her). We did not seat our kids at the head table, we seated them all with relatives that would watch and help them with dinner. Of course we discussed this plan with the relatives first!

We did a "familymoon" as I called it instead of a honeymoon. We took the kids and spent almost 2 weeks at a resort that was in driving distance and spent the time there boating, fishing, swimming, and doing watersports. It was so much fun for all of us. And there was a kids camp there so the kids went there for a few hours a day which gave me and dh some alone time.

Looking back I feel we had the perfect wedding and honeymoon. I would not change a thing! Hope this helps.

mom2emall - Thanks for taking the time to share that. At the time of your wedding were you and your DH the primary custodians of all your children? In my situation, BF and I live several states away from his DDs. Additionally, we live on the east coast and everyone who would attend my wedding lives on the west coast. No one in either of our families live on the east coast nor in the state where DDs live. Therefore I assume that we would have a west coast wedding.

I hope I don't get flamed for this, but even though I am *not* one of those girls who has dreamed my whole life about my wedding and had this fantasy of the "perfect day", and I am not anti-child or a selfish person in general, the idea of traveling out there with his daughters and bringing them back or even (gasp) taking them on our honeymoon poses a challenge for me. I want them at the wedding, and I could not imagine them not being there, but I just don't know how to do it logistically with the travel. I also have never been married and don't have children of my own to consider.

I am just curious about how others deal with similar situations especially with such great distance involved. Maybe other people are best friends with the EW and she helps them out...dunno. ;-)

We were the primary custodians of all the children, that is why the wedding night and honeymoon involved the children. In your situation I would suggest doing the wedding near all your family and friends. As for including your stepdaughters, could they be flower girls or jr. bridesmaids even? And maybe someone in your husbands family could take them that night after the wedding? I had a friend who actually had their babysitter come to the wedding to take care of the two children and then she took them home with her for the night. Maybe your stepdaughters have a regular babysitter out there, or your families have someone they could let you use to take care of the girls at the reception?

For our wedding we included SD in our ceremony, after hubby and I exchanged rings I presented Sd with her very own ring and promised to love and cherish her forever.(I did not insinuate in any way that I was her new mom,or replacing her old one, just that I would love and cherish her forever... She was very excited, and everyone cried about this as she was only three at the time. She was included in all of our photo shoots and carriage ride as well. We did take a few days after the wedding to ourselves (honeymoon)
I will note that we are the custodial parents though, and I was/am raising SD fulltime. I think your situation sounds a bit different.

When my husband and I got married, my kids were teens/grown and his daughter was 7. They had week on/week off and we scheduled the wedding to be on her mom's week and offered to keep her until after the wedding. We were married on Saturday (she would normally go to her mom's on Thursday), dropped her off at her mom's on Sunday and went on our honeymoon until Wednesday so we could pick her up again on Thursday. (we did have a problem with her mom having her call us repeatedly the whole time (every hour or two for the most part) and if we could go back, probably would only answer the phone once or twice a day, not every hour. [that's a whole other issue though]

In your case, you might arrange for a family member to help care for the kids and include them in the ceremony and festivities. My daughter was my maid of honor, my stepdaughter was the flower girl, my son's were ushers. After the traditional ceremony, we formed a circle with the kids and had a 'family unity ceremony' where we gave each of the kids a token (the girls were given a gold heart locket and the boys were given a rope chain) and I think it worked out well. The kids were old enough to not need supervision at the reception, but you can ask a family member to help out.. maybe a teenage niece? or hire a babysitter. You can also spend a day or two after the wedding with the girls before sending them home to mommy, then leave on your honeymoon. You don't have to leave the day of or day after your wedding. It is crucial to make the kids feel like they are an important part of the wedding/family, because although traditionally when a couple marries, the wedding is about just the two of them, when there are children involved, they are also a part of the family and if they feel they are being shuffled back to the other parent or that they are not fully accepted as part of this or that they are only being 'tolerated' or there for show, they might resent it.

I'm not saying that you would do that, but sometimes kids perceive things in ways we don't intend. It's important to be sensitive to their feelings and depending on their ages, personality and temperament, each child will react differently and have different needs.

Just my 2 cents.

Well, our wedding was anything but traditional. We had "his and hers" kids to include. My son is the oldest, and actually he walked with me (he was almost 15 at the time). His son (12 at the time) stood up with him, and his daughter (10 at the time) walked ahead of me (as the "flower girl".

Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. Honestly, my stepdad is more involved in my life and my families life than my biodad. But I'm close with my real dad, too. I figured having my son walk me down the aisle was a great way not to have to choose one important man in my life over the other. And I think both my dad and stepdad were ok with that.

The minister spoke not only of the union of us as husband and wife, but the blending of our families. It was incredibly lovely.

Afterwards, we had a great reception and all the kids stayed. We sent them kids with grandparents or stepgrandparetns and/or friends. We went to a gorgeous place on the water for the night, then met everyone late the next morning for brunch and opening gifts. It worked out just perfectly.

When we got married, skids lived several states away, but we had them for the summers, so we planned a July wedding (6 years next week!!!)

At the time DH and I married he did not have custody of my SD (5 then), so we had to get married on a 'his' weekend. Luckily DH's dad drove to get SD (mom let her come all of 8 hours early for the weekend) so we could be ready for the rehearsal. She spent the night with me at my parents that evening so the groom didn't see us. :-) We had other family staying there so they were able to help with her while I was out getting hair and such done. For the ceremony she walked right before me in a dress similar to mine - so cute - and stood next to her dad for the ceremony. I gave her a ring as well. She rode in the carriage to the reception afterward, and between 2 sets of grandparents and multiple aunts/uncles with kids she was always cared for. I had kid stuff there to do and we played Disney songs so the kids had their dances, too. I also had sleeping bags and pillows and some kids curled up in a back upstairs corner and crashed. One of my favorite wedding shots is of me in my big dress carrying my sleeping SD in her big dress up to lay down. :-) SD stayed in the in-laws hotel room, we all met for breakfast, hung out that day and we got her back to her mom right on time. We flew out the next day for our honeymoon.

Do you have any family on the west coast the kids know that could care for them on the big day and night? I would suggest seeing them home yourselves(or to the plane or whatever) before leaving on your honeymoon. I think it lets them know you aren't getting married and stealing daddy away - business is as usual and you get them home safe and sound like always. Then go have fun!

My 13 y/o SS walked me up the aisle (my father was deceased)! My SD, well, she showed up, late, but was old enough to drive herself (though her mother wanted to bring her......we said no way -- if she didn't want to drive, we would send a car, but we didn't want her crazy Mom anywhere near our wedding).

We had a horrible relationship with my SD at the time. She wasin her senior year of high school, lived 2 hours away and never came to see her Dad or call (or accept his calls). It was awkward and she, of course, started crying (she is a bit of a drama queen).....so I decided that she was not going to ruin my day, so I didn't even talk to her. She clearly rejected me, and I figured I was not going to allow her to act out and ruin the day for us. I do give her credit for coming, but I wonder if it wasn't more about being on the inside to report back to her mother. My husband invited her to stay over in the hotel and she left crying "I have to get home to my mother"......ugh. I had forgotten about the bad old days :-D

I wont be much help here. We got married, with our kids in attendance, in ice shoes on the Athabasca glacier in December. We didnt have to worry about wedding dress, etc, down parkas and cleats were the order of the day.

Then we went back to the resort, had a nice dinner, and spent the weekend skiing, soaking in the hot tub, and snow hiking with the kids.

Our real honeymoon came much later

I won't be much help either. In light of the drama with girls mother and the custody drama going on we did a courthouse wedding. The girls were there and we have promised them once things settls down we'll do another "real" ceremony so they can both be flower girls. They were seriously bummed they didn't ge to chunk flowers and wear the frilly white dresses:)

Jersey stepmom,

You wouldnt talk to her, but she rejected you?

KKNY, I interpret what Jerseystepmom said as, the daughter showed up, did her drama bit (crying~ probably like she's at a funeral, not tears of joy) and Jerseystepmom felt she was being rejected and therefore, did not talk to her at the wedding. I get it. It's not that complicated. Maybe you just want to interpret it YOUR way.

Maybe you interpret it your way. Somehow facts are always clarified etc in favor of SM. Also, I can't believe SM is so heartless that she doesnt understand that SD would want to go home to mom after wedding. I am curious as to ages of Jerseystepmom, dad and mom. Maybe SD felt bad for her mom.

Thanks imamommy.....yes, definitely not tears of joy and this was on top of her rejecting me for the entire year prior to our wedding. So between her mother and her drama (basically trying to break us up....), I didn't have high hopes for her to show up happy to see me. So, I decided that no matter what she did, I would not allow it to ruin my wedding day to a wonderful man that I was thrilled to be marrying.

We aren't clarifying facts in favor of SM, they ARE the facts and they represent my doing nothing. I even sent an email to my SD months before the wedding asking her to be involved.....but she never even responded. And, I'm not heartless....in fact I'm doing a damn good job raising the other child that this woman left behind when she ran away with her favorite child.

And, biomom had her boyfriend living with her at the time (though they have broken up since, so guess she wasn't happy with him while we were wedding). And, this is a girl whose brother, father, grandmother and grandfather and aunts and uncles hadn't seen her in a very long time, so she could have acknowledge THAT part of her family too. The problem is that her mother is so needy that her daughter had to get home to console her mother who was probably sick about the fact that all of her actions have resulted in her "husband" marrying another woman. Oh, and KKNY -- SHE cheated on him, so you should be happy to know that the cheater got what she deserved :-)

Good for you jerseystepmom, nothing should ruin your wedding day. And if sd was trying to break you and dh up all along I understand why you did not want to acknowledge her crying at your wedding.

As we are all talking about weddings I had a few things to suggest to the op.

1. When you choose a photographer make sure to tell them ALL pictures you want. I did not mention things that I thought were standard (like taking pictures of each table of guests) so they were not done. Luckily I had disposable cameras on each table so I got lots of good shots anyways. But make sure your clear and specific on what you want.

2. Make sure that the person marrying you (priest, pastor, justice of the peace) is on the same page as you when it comes to what you want. We had a catholic priest who was really rude to us and did not feel children should be part of the service. He frowned upon our choice to have them as bridesmaids and groomsmen. And he was not happy when we wanted them all included in our unity candle liting.

We did a candle for just us and then a candle for our new blended family. So in the end we got what we wanted in our service, but it was just a lot of unneeded comments and pressure from the priest to do things traditional and not include the kids.

Jersey,

My guess is my X tells people I was cheating. I know his SO says that. I wasnt.

our wedding is coming up--Sept. 20th--and it will be a formal, traditional wedding. We are really excited!

The kids will be a part of the ceremony--STBSS is the ringbearer, and my daughter, the flowergirl.

We have hired a babysitter to be responsible for the kids during the reception. They will still sit at our table for dinner and all, but I just felt it would be better if we had someone "on call" so to speak--for trips to the bathroom, etc. My parents will both be there and would gladly be responsible for the kids, but I figured they would also probably like to have a few drinks and enjoy themselves.

We have a limo all night so whenever the kids are tired, we'll have the babysitter ride in the limo with the kids to the hotel where all the out of town guests are staying--and where my fiance and I have a honeymoon suite reserved. Then the kids will be there in the AM for the post-wedding brunch. My daughter, and STBSS if he is with us (the schedule is ALL kinds of screwy right now!) will then come home with us.

We leave for our honeymoon a week later. My daughter will be with my mom--and STBSS either with his mom, or my mom, as well, depending on how difficult the ex is.

KKNY: that's priceless -- did you just imply that it was my husband who cheated and not his wife? Well, that may be your story, but it isn't mine. His ex admits that she cheated, she screwed up and she regrets it. It's that simple.

I stated my facts. Why is it I can state facts, and am accused of implying something but not when Ima does that? Oh I forgot -- SMs are perfect. Right.

KKNY: the psychobabble term for what you stated is passive aggressive. Why else would you state that, other than to imply that I (like your husband's SO) tell a story as I want it to be told.

I already have one crazy woman that I'm obligated to deal with.....I'll have to forego this dysfunctional relationship. Have a nice evening.

Thanks to all you wonderful ladies for your time and responses. I will try to touch on a few things now...

mom2emall - If this wonderful man and I do decide to get married in the next couple of years, his DD9 and DD5 would be perfect ages for to be a junior bridesmaid/flower girl, respectively. I would definitely hope they would want to do this. When he discussed with them previously how they would feel if we got married, being able to be a "flower girl" was their only concern! LOL. Also, my boyfriend's family *all* lives overseas (his mother, brother, friends, aunts, uncles and cousins do, his father is deceased) and I don't know how they would even be able to afford to come...another painful sticking point, let alone take care of the girls.

fiveinall - I have heard of the family ring exchange, sometimes I guess it's with necklaces or bracelets too. This is a must!

imamommy - I agree that leaving from the wedding right to the honeymoon might make the girls feel a little dumped-off. As much as I would love to take a limo right to the airport...point noted.

JNM - The girls have never met anyone from my family and have never traveled to the west coast (they live in the south and we live in the northeast). My family has only ever seen photos of them.

So...the expense and logistical issues are enough to give me many sleepless nights and I think would challenge any wedding planner...and we aren't even formally engaged yet!

Thanks again =-)

Our wedding is in November and is very small. A__ will be almost 10, which IMO is a bit old to be a ringbearer, so he's going to be a junior groomsman. If he's having a good day and would like the responsibility of carrying the rings, he can, but otherwise the best man will do it.

FDH's dad and SM will get A__ ready and bring him to the venue. We're doing photos before the ceremony, so FFIL and FSMIL will take care of him during that time and then hand him off to the groomsmen right before the ceremony to come in with them.
He'll sit with FFIL and FSMIL during supper and then all the kids (I have 5 N&Ns, and 3 SN&Ns, and several friends have kids) will mill around and play and whatever during the dance.

As the one without my "own" kids, I'm usually the one babysitting them all at functions, but I'm off SM and auntie duty that day. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I want one day where I can just enjoy having all my special kids around without having to worry about what they're up to and supervise them.