The only outburst we are hearing about relates to child left with fiances friend. I dont think OP wants to get into mediation on that. Will raise other issues. And unless mom mistreats child, they really wont care. In any event, up to dad to discus.

As to paying for name change, why is that needed. I just took the official "raised seal" state-issued copy of marriage disolution to social security office and got new SS card. You can mail it in and they will mail it back. Then wait two weeks and go to motor vehichle. Then you have new license and SS card.

Ok... you have your OP's confused... oops!!

This BM ... When angelz and hubby go to pick up daughter she puts up a fuss and mom reinforces the behavior.

If BM made it a calm exchange there wouldn't be an outburst so a mutual drop off point would make all the difference. Mom and daughter are less likely to make a scene. Daughter might still but after a few times of mom not backing her up she might change her ways when it comes to spending time with her dad.

TOS - I wasn't planning on sitting right there out side of the door waiting for them for 2 1/2 hours as it was scheduled. I came home fed my son his lunch and was going to go back up there to be ready when he was done. And told him that if he had a question he was able to call me, as was approved my the mediator.

Cawfecup - The mediation agreement is only a temporary one, as it stands he has to have supervised visits for the next two months. 4 hours Saturday and Sunday every other weekend at a local park here in Kissimmee. GP will be the people supervising visits and if they are unavailable then BM will be there. But BM is not to bring her BF as he was the cause for there divorce. I didn't think that it should be any family member from either side because the point is to have it documented that she is bonding with her father, and I don't see anyone family member being biased. But the mediator said there was a fee involved with bringing a court ordered person to supervise the visits. I told DH that I think he, BM, and her attorney did not think the Park plan out very well. 4 hours at a park in Florida, in the middle of hurricane season with no back up plan was a bit stupid. I told him what 4 year old is going to want to sit at a park for 4 hours? And what if it rains? He couldn't answer. He did however fight her on the fact she wanted 5 months of supervised visits, and he didn't agree one bit to it. In two months they have to go back to mediation to set up a new agreement. BM had the nerve to bring up putting SD in private school during mediation and wanting DH to pay for it, her attorney and the mediator told her flat out that child support didn't cover it and she couldn't force him to pay for it. We do have 2 months to get a new game plan together for what he would like for visits, vacations and all that other stuff. BM wanted to put a stipulation in the paperwork that she could move out of the state without his approval or confiding with him. He said no, and the mediator aggreed.

The thing about the outbursts was brought up too, if any of the family promotes the behavior and it affects DH's visits with his daughter then DH has the right to contact mediation before hand to revise that part of the agreement. She only warned BM that if this was to happen it wouldn't look good when they came back in two months. She started to get attitude with mediator and DH said her attorney told her to relax it isn't about her it is about their daughter.

KKNY - No she wanted us to pay her attorney to file all necessary paperwork for her to change her name for her. Hell DH and I both support the fact she wants to change her name, but he didn't feel he should be held financially for any of it apparently mediator agreed.

__________________________________________________
DH not only didn't have to pay for her attorney's fee's, but also CS stayed the same other then what he has to pay in back CS, which was from a year and a half ago. I told him that there was no excuse not to pay CS, and agreed totally with the fact that he is repaying it. Good thing it comes out of his paycheck every week.

I was just trying to say no need for any attorney to change name. My agreement just says I had rt to change name.

I agree, we couldn't understand why she needed her attorney to do it for her. I am not trying to cause an argument about this but DH thinks it was just an excuse to take his money, not all ex-wife's are like that. It just seems that she wants more money from him when it isn't even in regards to their daughter. I support her changing her name, DH told her that she should have changed it during the divorce. They are no longer married, she shouldn't bare his families name. He thinks the only people who have the right to bare his name is his kids and his wife. But hey whatever floats people's boats. He has a car that is in his ex FIL and ex wife's name, in the divorce agreement it stated that he keeps the car but is responsible for the payments. During the mediation yesterday, she wanted him to pay her the remaining balance of the car. He made it a point that all payments go to her father, as it is deducted out of his account every month. The mediator asked her why she felt she was entitled to the money when she doesn't even send the payments, her response was "because it's my car, and my money." the mediator disagreed on both parts. And payments are still being made to her father. Not all women are that way, but she seems to be that way. At least lately.

I think that is a little overboard -- X has right to keep using the name. If my x had insisted on my changing my name, I would have said, fine, we change daughters also.

I agree, KKNY.

I know plenty of women who keep their ex-husband's names because it also happens to be their children's name. I probably wouldn't change either.

He is is own person, he is just bitter of everything she has put him through. He wants desperately to be a part in his daughter's life, but she doesn't want it to be that way. It should be on her terms, as in. Only when she wants him to or it is convenient for her. Fine, he was willing to do it when it was convenient for her, but it was never convenient. And spending 10 minutes with your child in the drive way of her parents and her home, while she held her daughter. That's not visiting, that's nothing. Wouldn't you want the father of your children to play an active role in their lives if he was a good, hard working person? I mean he has never done anything to prove other wise.

KKNY - Let me ask you, his ex-wife cheated on him with his boss. Who is now living with her in her parents home. She was the one who did wrong, why is he wrong in not wanting her to bare his name? I mean when your husband left you, did you think even once that you didn't want your daughter (I think you have a daughter) to have your name and not his, after what he did. I mean he did wrong to you, she did wrong to him. You are angry with your ex as my DH is hurt by her actions as well.

I do not condone how he said it, but I do understand where he is coming from. It's human nature to be bitter and angry with someone who caused so much pain for so many years.

I didnt ever think about changing DDs name. It is her name. She uses it at school. If she wants to change it when she is 18, she can.

I changed my name. I think the first time X called me at work he was startled. Some people may not want to change work name.

I think names are the least of all divorce problems.

Change it, keep it who cares ... technically it does change from Mrs. to Ms.

But either way if you want it changed pay for it why would ex be responsible for it.

I am not a lawyer but if I recall correctly you can legally call yourself what ever you want as long as you don't intend to do it or use it fraudulenty.

My brother dated a woman who had the same first name as I do. She changed all her bills into that name when I went to get an apartment at 18 I could not I had bills all over town with a different SS# though. I had to prove who I was.

I beleieve you are correct that you can use whatever name you want, unless it is intend to defraud, but most states are in the process of implementing the federal law on IDs (the REAL ID Act) so your SS number must match your name on your drivers license. Most employers are now checking documents more carefully. So you can call yourself what your want, but will need a marriage license or divorce papers or legal name change to change name on DL and SS card.

You are right, but I do not agree to the women making her husband responsible for any financial costs it might take for her to get her name changed back. Especially 2 years later. When waiting that long to do so, there is usually a hidden agenda.

It's done and taken care of. The mediator granted the name change, with the statement going something along the lines of DH is and will not be responsible for costs incurred by his ex in respect of name change. BLAH BLAH legal mumbo jumbo, but you get the point.

What did your husband do to cause him to get only supervised visits? DUI?

I would never consider changing my name. Why would I want a different name from my kids? My exH's name had been mine for half my life.

TOS - Neither DH and I drink! He has supervised visitation because his ex wife didn't follow the guidelines they set in there divorce agreement. And he was never aloud to see his daughter, he like many husbands here didn't want to anger ex-wife. So he backed down or saw his kids whenever ex would let him i.e. 5 minute's here and there at her house in her driveway. And finally now that he was trying to actually get his daughter to stay at our home for more then an hour or two, she went and got a lawyer. Saying he has no relationship with his daughter and should be required to have supervised visits.

As for the name change, she had his last name for 4 years or so, not half of her life time. Before that she had been married and had another man's last name. So at 23 she has been married twice and is now working on her third. In your shoes I can understand not doing or wanting a name change, but these days with marriages only lasting a few years with the younger generation, there is no real excuse behind it.

"When waiting that long to do so, there is usually a hidden agenda."

Maybe not.

She may have wanted to keep the same surname as her daughter, & she may have thought or hoped that she & the little one's father would get back together.

Now that there's so much bitterness, & now that her ex has re-married, maybe she doesn't want to to be mistaken for "Mrs Ex", & maybe she doesn't want to be mistaken for the new "Mrs Ex".

& maybe she didn't change her name at the time of the divorce because she didn't think about it, & maybe she would have changed it before now had she been able to afford to do so.

"He thinks the only people who have the right to bare his name is his kids and his wife"

"with marriages only lasting a few years with the younger generation, there is no real excuse behind it."

If my married surname were the same as my child's, I'd have to think that one over.

Wow -- with a SM or Gf insisitng I give up my Xs name, I would say, fine, and child takes my name. This would seem to me like another SM with the atittude that I should drop off the face of the earth. This is why I like reading this site -- I gain persepective.

"with marriages only lasting a few years with the younger generation, there is no real excuse behind it."

Are you saying that it is the norm for marriages among the "younger generation" to fall apart after a few years? I don't think so.

Having the same name as your child is VERY important to a lot of people. He gets to keep the same name as his child - why shouldn't the child's mother.

If not for DUI, why doesn't he have a license? You may have mentioned it before, but I don't remember.

Supervised visitation seems very odd under the circumstances. I could understand delaying overnight or lengthy daytime visitation until there was more of a relationship, but supervised visitation is usually granted only when there is some risk to the child - often involving drugs, potential parental kidnapping, domestic violence, etc.

Could someone please explain why they believe that the male NCP's fear making the mothers angry? How can that possibly be any skin off their nose? They don't have to live with them, talk to them, see them - so what if they are angry? In most cases, the non-custodial father has more money than the mother, so he would be in a better financial position if a dispute went to court.

The NCP can, and often does, threaten court if a child won't visit, even in cases where the child's anger at the father has nothing whatsoever to do with the mother or the divorce. My exH has demanded on more than one occasion that I physically force one of the kids to get in his car if necessary (fortunately it didn't come to that), in spite of the fact that I wouldn't have been able to pick the child (actually teen) up even if I wanted to because he or she weighed over 100 pounds. And he did not claim that I was influencing the child - on several occasions he has embarrassed his children in public by yelling at them and berating them for extended periods of time, and they have, not surprisingly, not wanted to give him the opportunity to repeat the experience. He actually told a counselor that I should be nagging our over 18 year old teen to call him from college, as if our child didn't think I nagged more than enough already. The counselor informed him that that was not my job. Once they go to college none of my kids called me very often either, at least not just to chat.

If my ex got angry, he didn't hesitate to shell out money for his lawyer to threaten me, to the point where she told him she was tired of his wasting his money.

The NCP male parent typically has all the power, because he has all the money. If he goes to court and it costs him a couple of grand, it makes no difference in the long run. If it costs me or most single female parents a couple of grand, the mortgage might not get paid.

What on earth could the fathers be afraid of? My kids' father knows his minor kids have to go to dinner with him whether they want to or not, and if his adult kids don't want anything to do with him, he makes only a minimal effort to apologize to them.

I have to agree that supervised visits are kinda out of the norm here, too--and you'd have a lot of convincing to get the court here to NOT allow a parent plain ol' visitation. Supervised visition is a big hairy deal to have to go through and I'm quite sure that the courts would rather avoid it--unless absolutely necessary.

I am curious as well. Why doesn't you fiance have his license? Not drinking NOW doesn't mean he can't have a DUI. What other reason is there to yank a license? I'm just curious...

You can lose your license for nonpayment of child support. States are getting tougher on non-payment of CS. Which I suspect is behind many, not all, but many, NCPs trying to change custody. Which is scary.

"Wow -- with a SM or Gf insisitng I give up my Xs name, I would say, fine, and child takes my name. This would seem to me like another SM with the atittude that I should drop off the face of the earth. This is why I like reading this site -- I gain persepective."

Kkny- you have gained no perspective here. From angelz' post:
"I support her changing her name, DH told her that she should have changed it during the divorce. They are no longer married, she shouldn't bare his families name. He thinks the only people who have the right to bare his name is his kids and his wife."

Angelz is not the one who stongly feels that ExW should change her name, it is angelz' husband who does so. Rather than insisting, angelz supports ExW's expressed desire to change her surname.

Your thinly disguised brickbats made as "wow" comments fool no one.

Look! I have his entire driving record, there has never been a DUI! His mother was killed when he was 4 by a semi driver who had been drinking and feel asleep at the wheel!! HE DOES NOT DRINK!!! I find it a little presumptions that because some doesn't have a driver's license you all automatically think he drinks. He has a no driver's license because he has been caught driving with a suspended license 3 time's that is considered a repeat offender. The first time he had it suspended was because he failed to pay tickets this was when he was 18. Since then he has been caught three times driving with a suspended license. There you go! Now he is grown all of those thing are in his past, and he has to wait 3 more years before he can get a true license back.

As for supervised visits, I do not know how the law works where you live but when a parent has limited to no contact with there children the court will not force a child to spend time alone with the parent until a bond or a consistent relationship has been established.

AGE Women Men
Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%

Your going to tell me that divorce is not higher for people under 30? Yes, I am afraid so!

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

As for my DH not wanting to piss his ex-wife off, he never got to see his daughter and when she was angry at him she would tell him he just wasn't aloud to see her at all. And it would be months before he was aloud to talk or even see her. She HAD all the control, she had him believing that the agreement for visitations was at her mercy, when she wanted, how she wanted. Because they were young and did the agreement out of court and out of mediation, it wasn't worded correctly. So he didn't fight it for fear of not being able to be around his daughter.

Well, the difference between what you seem to think the typical father having more money and more power and mother not seeming to have either, you are wrong in this particular situation. She lives at home with her mom, dad, her two kids, and her fiance. They according to there bank account never have less then 3000.00 dollars in it at one time. She pays no bills except for her cell phone and her car insurance. How do I know this? DH got a copy of her financial affidavit for the mediation. While DH, has his car payment, insurance, rent, phone, cell, electric, child support and other monthly bills. We don't have any money in our bank account. So please don't tell me father's have all the money when this one doesn't. Maybe if we lived at home with mommy and daddy too we'd have more money.

He is behind in child support, not much but he is. But he was the smart of he made contact before all of this happened and way making payments when he found out he had a lapse for a few months when 2 of his jobs didn't get CS taken out correctly. Now instead of paying the money to Tallahassee like he was, they are making arrangements to have a little taken out every week.

Thank you for bringing that up Colleenoz! I forgot that point! I am not the one who brought up her name change, she did. I never thought twice about in the past 2 years, until the paperwork brought up the fact she wanted DH to pay for any costs in regards to it. DH brought it up when they were in the middle of the divorce if she was keeping or getting rid of his last name. She said it would be to difficult to change everything and that she was keeping it. As for her "She may have wanted to keep the same surname as her daughter, & she may have thought or hoped that she & the little one's father would get back together." Kinda funny when she left him AND divorced him for the man she cheated on him with, who I will remind you is still living with her. This is the same man who moved in LITERALLY the weekend after DH moved his stuff out of there house. BEFORE the divorce was even final!

I wish my DH's Ex would stop using his name. They were divorced more than 20 years ago in a nasty battle. She cheated; she instigated the divorce; I was nowhere in the picture. I understood it when their kids were little. But they're adults now and have been for almost a decade. DD's married and has changed her name, so it no longer matches mom's. And what's more, the Ex recently remarried, and still keeps my DH's name, not her new hubby's. She's not close to his (wonderful) family anymore. All I can figure is that she wants some tie to his excellent credit since hers and her new hubby's are both totally shot.

Just venting...

or maybe she just wants to keep the name she's had for most of her adult life.

Maybe tos's comments aren't "thinly-disguised brickbats":

"He thinks the only people who have the right to bare his name is his kids and his wife"
"with marriages only lasting a few years with the younger generation, there is no real excuse behind it."

OP doesn't say she supports ex's right to resume use of her birth name, she says she is enraged, as she is by so many things, at the fact that the ex is still using her married name.

sounds like OP thinks ex-husband & ex's new wife are entitled to determine ex-wife's very name.

nah.

sorry.

My name is my name, & I am the only one who's entitled to change/choose/modify it.

When angel first posted, I took her messages at face value & thought they were written in good faith, but everything she says is filled with rage, not only at the ex but at the little girl, &, lately, at anyone who questions her or who has a perspective that doesn't support what she already thinks.

It sounds to me like, no matter what ex-wife & little girl do, it's going to be wrong because ex-wife & little girl do it:

There's no reason to become enraged at a 4-year-old because she doesn't want (or maybe her mom says she doesn't want) angel to buy her any clothes.

Angel, maybe when the baby is born & you get back on your medication, the roller coaster will slow down, but for right now, I implore you to take a deep breath, take a step back, & repeat to yourself,
"It's no big deal;
it'll all blow over;
I need to take care of myself & my baby,
& I will do what I need to do to become a welcome & nurturing presence in my husband's daughter's life."

WOW, Sweeby! That's insane!! I couldn't imagine being in that situation. She is remarried and still keeps your DH's last name. *Shakes head* My DH's ex told him a year ago that the man she left him for asked her to marry him, she said yes. DH asked her when they were going to get married, her response was not for a while if "we" get married then CS on both the girls will go down.

Personally I don't think that's right (the CS thing) but only said it to hurt him. I think BM's like that are few and far between but it's sad that she said that to hurt him, regardless of the truth behind her reasoning. I do not know her reasons why she hasn't married this OM and frankly do not care as it does not pertain to me or my family (DH and kids), and as long as SD is in good hands then so be it.

If he didnt want her to use him name after they divorced, he should have told her not to change her name when they got married.

And Angel, fyi divorce rates for second marriages where children are involved are even higher than the normal high second marriage divorce rates.

sylvia - when did I ever get enraged by her last name? You are misconstruing my words as so many other's tend to do on this forum.
"sounds like OP thinks ex-husband & ex's new wife are entitled to determine ex-wife's very name."

I never said I was entitled to that determination, I merely said I don't feel DH should bare financial burden in her choice to do so now. I said I support her changing her name, if she doesn't then oh well! Her last name does not affect me, and never said anything to the contrary.

I am not angry at this little girl, yes I am angry at his ex wife. After what she has put my husband through, I have every right. If I had such a problem with his daughter then I would have not been pushing him for the past 2 years to establish a new relationship with her and get guidelines set that ex can not dance around.

Oh and that's right you have never been angry at someone for something ever in your life. I am not aloud to be upset because I am forbidden to buy clothes for my step daughter, but if I would have commented on that I went out and bought all these clothes for my kids and nothing for her. I would have been bashed about how step mother's do not think about there SC and only about there own kids. How we are mean or bad parental figure's because we spend ALL of our money and DH's money on ourself and our children, not to stop and think about SC. This is a losing battle with this bored.

As for medications, I haven't been on medication in quiet a long time, so please do not bring up my medical conditions unless you are a licensed professional who is actively seeing me for it.

"I will do what I need to do to become a welcome & nurturing presence in my husband's daughter's life."

But how many times do OP tell SM that we are to stay out of the relationships involving DH and his children. That we are not the mother or parent so we have no right to anything in regards to them. Yet I am angered because I am trying to set up her own area in my home with clothes toys and everything to make it easier for her to adjust to the new environment, and am told no I can't but I am supposed be ok with being made to look like I am not trying to adapt myself?

If I was so uncaring and didn't want my DH to have a relationship with his daughter then I would not do ALL of the driving to and from the visits in the up and coming months, and when my son leaves in September to see his father in MD for a week the time that was supposed to be DH and I's alone time is now involving his daughter. If I had a problem then I would tell him to figure a way to get to point A and back himself. I am encouraging this "reunion" not inhibiting it.

KKNY - As I did not know my husband when he and his ex got married but I highly doubt that he had any idea they would be getting a divorce.

As for divorce rates, I am all to aware with the fact that second marriages don't tend to last especially when children are involved. Though I do wonder why that is?

Angel,

As to name, my point -- wife did not plan on divorce , name change may inconvience her. Do you plan on changing your name?

As to being angry "SD is infuriating" says it all. Being angry at a child for nothing the child did is just mean. That is why I feel sorry for child.

Wife did not plan on divorce. So your ex husband didn't plan on a divorce when he cheated on you? He expected to stay married and be able to cheat?

IF DH and I ever do get a divorce, yes I would change my last name back to my maiden name. As my son has his father's name which is different then my own, even before I got married.

Yes she was infuriating, just as she has been in the past. When she cut my sons forehead open when she threw a toy at him during one of her temper tantrums, as when she threw a plate of food on the floor because she didn't like what I had cooked, her father told her to eat it she got mad.

Just as my own son has angered me for things he has done, it is HUMAN NATURE for children to anger there parents. So because she is not my child I am not aloud to be angry? Until you have sat in my home and seen what she can do when angry then you can not say she has done nothing, you are assuming she is a sweet and innocent child and my anger is never justified. Fine next time (if there is a next time) she decides to be abusive to my son I should turn my head and not be upset, then what? What kind of parent would I be?

I would only assume that if another child hit your daughter at any age, you would be angry too? But hey I am just assuming, right!?

By the way for those who think I am callas for calling my SD infuriating, maybe you should rethink the definition before jumping to defend a person you don't know.

Infuriating - exasperating: extremely annoying or displeasing.

I don't hate my SD, I don't loath my SD, I never said I didn't like her. I stated that she infuriated me. That is this particular situation she was aggravating. I bet if I would have named my post SD is displeasing I would have far less attitude about that particular wording. Even though they mean the exact same thing.

So seven days ago you were infuriated with SD ... I have been ready on certain post days ... to insert act of aggression on any one who came near me.... Its not a big deal some women are better at fooling themselves into thinking they do not have a mean bone in their body.

Stop beating yourself up. You wanted to buy the kid some clothes mom and child trying to play games no she doesn't want/need clothes ... you know better ... let moms anger eat at her living the life of riley with her new man living at mommy and daddys. Its the life she chose.

Buy sizes you think might fit her or don't your choice take the child with you or don't ...again your choice ... choose your battles and move on ... some are worse than others.

Your right Cawfecup as usual. Pick my battles......something I think I should learn at home with DH and SD, along with all aspects of my life.

"sylvia - when did I ever get enraged by her last name? You are misconstruing my words as so many other's tend to do on this forum."

your words:

"He thinks the only people who have the right to bare his name is his kids and his wife"
"with marriages only lasting a few years with the younger generation, there is no real excuse behind it."

"I am not angry at this little girl, yes I am angry at his ex wife."

your words:

"Am I wrong for being so ANGRY at this little girl?"

"I just wanted to scream right there in the store!"
"Why would a child be spoiled like that to turn down clothes?"
"AHHHHHHH I am just so mad!!!!"

Your emotions are extreme & destructive, & no matter how much you deny them, your words are right here to be read.

No matter whether you agree or disagree, or like or don't like, what anyone posts here, you *must* get control *of yourself* before you cause more damage;

there's a critical amount of stress in your life & in your family right now, & you're the only one who can reduce it.

When I searched your posts to refresh my memory of what you actually said the first time you posted, I found your post on the Parents of Toddlers Forum asking for help or advice with your 3-year-old son's teeth-grinding when he is awake.

Teeth-grinding is a strong response to stress.

Even the child you love is under extreme stress.

Please get control of your emotions & re-focus your rage into positive energy.

I would be concerned about unsupervised visitation with someone who had enough traffic tickets to get his license suspended in the first place, and who then had so little concern for the law that he continued to drive illegally. Perhaps you mentioned this before, but how old are you and he?

I had decided not to post anymore, and won't again after this post, but I checked back in and felt so bad for angelz I just wanted to say one quick thing. We all have our days, blending a family is very difficult, and there are some people who understand. Hang in there. BTW, I am a teeth grinder, and have been since childhood. I have worn a night guard since I was little. I had a wonderful childhood with my two bio parents who loved me very much. I am an only child and had plenty of attention. Here is a good article on bruxism, and there are other causes than stress. http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/159/Teeth-Grinding-in-Children-Bruxism/
Again, good luck and my prayers are with you.

I've come a little late into this post so forgive me if I am missing some of the detail. What I understand Angel is that you have been married to your husband for not very long. He has an almost four year old daughter from a previous marriage, the desolution of which was not his doing. In the past he has had limited access to his daughter for reasons that were not entirely his fault but for which he bears some responsibility. I am assuming you are both young 'under thirty', that you have a son but am unsure if this is with your current husband. Not that any of this really matters. I think that you are trying your hardest to make things work and maybe it's not working and so you're angry because at the end of the day there is only so much you can do. You can't change birth mother and whatever nasty residue resides between her and your husband. You can't change your step daughter. But you can change you and what you allow to effect you. I think you genuinely care about your husband. And you genuinely care about your step daughter otherwise why would you be trying so hard to give her something, and I don't mean just clothes (I'm sure even the most well intentioned step parent will spit the dummy at some point). You've put her father back into her life. She's four and sure, she's going to be influenced by her mother but then as you said, you aren't trying to replace her mother. You simply want to love her father, as your actions show. This is where I need to step in and say, you are about to have another child. Push the other stuff aside if you can, and for the next few months just focus on you. I know that may sound simplistic but I think it's kinda important right now.

Yours,
Aldra

"As for medications, I haven't been on medication in quiet a long time, so please do not bring up my medical conditions unless you are a licensed professional who is actively seeing me for it."

from your first post:

"I am in therapy because I am bipolar, and not being on meds because of the pregnancy I am having to learn to cope with mood swings from every direction."

*You* brought it up.

I used to grind my teeth as a child, too, until the stressful home environment changed.

Wow!

This has really shifted subjects.

Anyway, I am a SM, and I would like to offer one bit
of advice.

My husband's ex- caused so many miss-understandings by
calling to tell me what my step-daughter "said".

Sometimes SD vents to her mom, and I am never intended to hear it. Okay, sometimes I vent to DH, and SD is never intended to hear it. BM has called to tell me to intentionally hurt my feelings. Also, sometimes BM has been threatened by something nice I did for SD, and calls to
put me in my place, because SD seems to like it too much, and BM is jealous.

In either case, these kinds of situations caused me to be angry at SD, when it really wasn't her fault. Then things escalate, and before you know it, you have a feud, that really never should have happened.

When BM "quotes" SD, please take a deep breath, and don't take it so seriously. It might be totally untrue, or it might just be SD's way of navigating between the two of you...maybe telling BM what she wants to hear.

And maybe SD wants you to take her shopping.
Maybe she knows she is hard to fit.

Don't automatically get mad--she may just be an innocent bystander.

Angelz, first off, I'm not trying to attack. I merely want to know--why on earth do you want to hitch your cart to this horse? Yeah, I understand 'love', etc. etc., but based upon your recent posting and the anger that you seem to harbor for these two people (BM and SD) and the fact that your fiance is irresponsible enough to have lost his driver's license for years,...why? You seem like an intelligent young lady based upon the way you write.

Life doesn't have to be this hard. I can feel the stress in your posts, and I'm sure that your children feel it in real life. I have no doubt about that. They're VERY perceptive creatures. Bruxism definitely IS a sign of stress. I do it myself and it's because I have enormous stress in my life. Yes, there are other causes, but the most common certainly is stress.

Anyway, I wish you well.

Vivian - This is my last post here on this forum, as honestly I am tired of being attacked for what people only want to blame on my bipolar disorder. You are correct as my DH was irresponsible before I came along. Trying to live his non-existent childhood as teenager and into his early twenties. Which happens in a lot of situations when a child has a traumatic upbringing and it forced to grow before they are meant to be. He did A LOT of stupid stuff that he is know paying for as an adult. That is why we have been together for 2 years before we got married, as we moved in together after dating for 3 weeks, yes 3 weeks. Anyways, in two years my husband has grown up and to be a wonderful man. He even though has a car sitting in our garage every single day does not get into drive, but early into our relationship he did. He has a great job, and has even been set up to have his assistant aka helper as his driver and a work truck that also stays at our house when not in use. You can't always judge someone on there past, as I am glad he didn't do that to me I have not always been responsible. As for BM and SD, I can not get over how BM does this every day to my DH. I hold a lot of anger because of her. I was a single mother for some time, and even though my DS father choice to live his life in another state far away from his son. I would never treat him the way BM treats DH. I don't understand how any mother would treat the father of her children in such a way. As for SD, yes maybe it is not her fault she act the way she does, but when someone intentionally hurts my child that sort of stays with you, when a child is rude and nasty to adults that tends to bother me. I do not allow it from my 3 year old I do not expect it from other children, especially one who will be a continuous member of my family. I do not want that behavior to move on towards my son, and no regardless of what people think. You can not make a 4 y/o change on 4 days a month. But I can hope that with the behavior we display at my house she might just see how ridiculous she appears when she throws her tantrums. And for the grinding of my sons teeth, I have taken him to the doctor, and found that my son has allergies and when his allergies act up he grinds his teeth. As long as I give him Clariten once a day he doesn't do it. Since his doctor says he is to young for an allergy test we have to do our best to find out what the triggers are. My DH and I do not fight or argue around him, and definitely do not raise our voices around him. I do not agree with parents fighting in front of a child, as it is not healthy.

Aldra- I am 25 and my husband is 27 just to let you know.

angelz, Please do not stop posting. Don't allow a few to discourage you. The majority of individuals on this site are here to help one another. You have the ability and option to take what you read and use it to better your stepfamily's life. I too felt as you did a couple times while posting, however, I began to ignore some of the negative, outrageous, misconstrued, anger driven advise and choose the positive, helpful, realistic, caring advise to improve my stepfamily's life.

This is a great place to vent and there are some very helpful experienced stepparents on this site. They have alot of knowledge that can help one get through the hard times. Please keep posting and understand not all of us are judgeing you and just want to help you get through the tough time as a step parent. Bless you.

Sunny,

Thank you for your encouraging words, it seems as the few who do have such a spiteful look towards SM, or the some SM who seem to think that we are not aloud to have a bad day without coming up with outlandish reasons behind it. You know what, DH and I have been under a tremendous amount of stress and it doesn't even involve BM or SD. They just seem to escalate this already rough time. DH and I found out at our last prenatal visit that there is something wrong with the babies heart. They seem to think there is some sort of heart murmur, and now have to go to Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando to get a bunch of test's done to see what exactly causing the irregular heart beat. So now I have to sit and wait until they call me with a new appointment with the high risk doctor.

When I first started posting here I thought this was a great place to learn but since the bitter posters are getting worse and worse and are becoming an added stress in my life I doubt it is truly worth it.

angelz, Your welcome. I am sorry to hear of the troubles with the babies heart. It sounds as if you are under alot of stress. I know this is easy to say, but, try and find some stress relievers. Do some things for yourself, for example, lite yoga, breathing exercises, go for a walk, watch your favorite movie, meet with a close friend to talk, read a good book, etc. Take care of "you". Remember you deserve to be good to yourself and that way you can help all around you.

Take care and I will say a prayer for you, baby and family. Feel free to post anytime.

As it is hard to do anything for myself these days, I do try. Not always easy like you say, but hey we do what when can when we can.

That was so suppose to read "We do what we can when we can"

I'm sorry to hear about your baby's heart. For what it is worth, several years ago I was in a similar situation. I became pregnant to my second husband (I have no children of my own, he has four) and the baby had a hole in the heart along with other complications that basically meant there wasn't a lot of hope. When I lost the child I think my husband was silently relieved, I was devastated. You have a guy who it sounds is there by you. I'm not a doctor but a murmur isn't terminal. It means that maybe there's a little more watching, a little more looking. I asked your ages because I guessed you were in your twenties and in truth I didn't feel disimilar to you when I was at that age (I'm in my forties now and yes I agree, we all have our f*** ups and who wants to be branded by something they did when they were eighteen? I cringe when I think about it). When I was pregnant, that moment before I knew there was anything wrong, I dreaded the thought that my youngest step-daughter, given her exhasperating behaviour, would ever come near a child of mine. It wasn't what her father had in mind, he wanted her there at the birth! So I can understand your saying you want to nip things in the bud because you don't want it effecting the child you already have, let alone the one that is on the way. You've had a lot of negative feed back in this forum but what I have noticed is that you keep coming back with fight. I can't help feeling that even with this last issue of your unborn child's heart, you will make it and that you will be stronger at the end then you were at the beginning.

My son was hospitalized at Palmer Hospital in Orlando when he was a newborn. The doctors were great, and they took really good care of him. He is totally healthy now (he is 11)--you would never know he was sick.