Well fine, it COULD be a source of resentment and anger (and to show off) IF I HAD INVITED BM and done so for those reasons. I didn't. I want SD to have a nice party with lots of friends from school. She had to change schools when her mom left and because of her behavior problems adjusting, she's had a harder time making new friends. It would be devastating for her to be embarrassed by her mom in front of her new friends. I was going to invite her BF's ex wife only because SD said she wanted her mom's BF's kids there and she'll have them that weekend. I wasn't doing that to annoy or torture anyone. I didn't expect BM to be there so didn't see that it would be a problem. and I was going to invite her sister but wasn't sure how to do that without inviting BM (I wouldn't mind BM's mom bringing her, since she seems nice). and I wanted to give SD a party she'll remember forever, but not for the wrong reasons. She will have a wonderful time, even if I have to chew my own tongue off or leave early. I don't know why she'd want to be there, except to prove she has the right because 'she's the mom'. Everyone in my family and DH's family will be there (even a couple of DH's friends from work that witnessed the big scene) and all are a little upset over everything that has happened over the last year (court battle, her leaving her kids for the BF, threats & accusations of abuse). I don't think anyone will start anything with her because they aren't that immature, they all remember last year too and I don't think anyone would want to spoil SD's day. However, I can't control what BM will do and I can't control my mom, I know she has a tendency to glare at people she doesn't like. Heck, I can't control anyone else but I hope everyone behaves. My family and DH's will be asked to. My husband thinks I should still invite the BF's ex wife. I am not going to unless SD really wants her kids to come. I am not going to 'use' her to make BM angry. and ceph, I don't think even Dr. Phil could help her. He says you can't change what you don't acknowledge and she really believes she's done NOTHING wrong, everyone does her wrong. and fine, don't you think with all the money BM is saving by not paying for her daughter's birthdays, school clothes, field trips, extra curricular activities, medical/dental/therapy, feeding her, and everything else it costs to raise a child, she should start a college fund. Don't ya think? I'm SM, you think I should put the money aside for her college? and I didn't intend to hijack this thread with talk of a birthday party, I was disputing kkny's point about SM's vs. BM's (and pointing out that not all BM's are good, not all SM's are bad) I think it's people that are good or bad, not because of the title they have, but who they are as a person.

love, I'm not trying to be sexist, but throughout the years whenever my kids attended birthday parties with kids from school, I cannot remember one time that a father hosted or was present at the party. I'm not saying it doesn't happen & I know that my kids were raised by me 100% so of course, their dad's were never there... but usually it's the mom that is into parties and stuff. I don't know about anyone else, but that has been my experience. In fact, as I'm writing this I am thinking back to when I lived with my exBF... any parties for his kids where school kids were invited, he was always at work. He would celebrate with family but never came to the ones where it was a bunch of kids. Okay, I have to admit, now that I am thinking about it, last year DH was there for SD's party but it was at our home and his nephew was one of the kids but he was the only guy there. He ended up sticking at the BBQ all day and running around, not really AT the party. I just wouldn't think most guys would be that interested in a kid party. I could be wrong. Hope it goes well no matter what happens.

Fortunately there was no drama. Well, BM walked SD to the car and tells DH that she washed all of SD's clothes so he won't have to. We get home, the jeans I bought her for Christmas are gone from her bag & there are at least a dozen pair of underwear in her bag... I ask how many she took & SD says she had those at her mom's over time. LOL, I'm a little confused because I went & bought her more because she only had a couple pair after all her laundry was done... now she comes home with a dozen pair. I'm confused at how so many ended up at BM's house and there aren't any at ours? Surely she doesn't come home with none, right? Oh well, not a big deal... just bizarre. The jeans, I think BM kept them there to see if I will say something.... remember "those damn pants!". Well, who cares... she can have them, SD will be there in summer anyways and she only has six weeks left in school. She has enough to get by or I can buy more. As for SD... she started talking about how BF's kids had been there for a week (spring break) and three weekends in a row. She says they couldn't go roller skating (like BM promised at SD's party) because her sister's friend (the one that came uninvited to SD's party) was skiing and they are doing that next week. My inner cynic says "yeah right!" Today we were at the store & saw Easter stuff on sale, I asked her about her basket. Before she left, she was talking to BM & was saying BM told her all the candy that was in her big basket. As we are standing in the clearance aisle, SD starts telling me what was in her basket... coincidentally it was all the same things on the shelf at the store. I don't know if she really got a basket but she has fabricated stories to include her mom in activities that never happened... like telling us that her mom took her to the movies with BF & then they went to BF's exW's house to play... yeah, she went to the movies & exW's house with BF... but BM was at work but SD insisted to us that her mom was there. It's either wishful thinking or lying to protect her mom since she believes her mom is trying to get custody of her and is very protective of anything that might make mom look bad... and nothing BM does makes her look good. Today I made an appointment to have SD tested for ADHD and resume counseling.

I do understand this is a big transition for SD. I don't want to make her feel that she's not welcome, but I also don't want her using our home as her "crash pad" because she doesn't feel like driving back to BM's after seeing her boyfriend (he lives a lot closer to us). You probably can't have this both ways. If she is only allowed to "visit" and not stop by to shower, sleep, or raid the fridge, or other home-type, crash-pad activities, when she feels like it, she will probably not feel welcome. There probably is not a "fine line down the middle" that you can walk. I say this as someone who basically was your SD at her age. Well, I did have a part time job. But I was not heading to college, no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and went out partying a LOT. Up until graduation I lived half time with each parent. Once I was eighteen and out of high school, I basically decided I didn't need a curfew, so I stopped following one. My dad took basically the tactic you're proposing; told me I couldn't live there anymore unless I agreed to quit the partying and have an early curfew; first time I came home late, I would be locked out. My mom let me stay with her, paid a low-end of market value rent, I didn't have a curfew, didn't stop partying, but also didn't bring it into her home. In retrospect, which was objectively better for me? I honestly don't know. If my mom had given me the same rules as my dad, I wouldn't have stayed; I'd have found my own place. I might have "grown up" a little faster if I'd been living on my own, or I might have just been that one kid that has their own place so everyone else comes to party there, which would probably have wound up sending me into a lot more trouble than what I got into coming home to mom most nights. But I will say my relationship with my dad was strained for quite a long time. In my teenage mind, I was working, being a productive member of society, not out robbing banks or anything, and just because I wasn't going to college and liked to go to parties, neither of which seemed like horrible things to me at the time, I was --the way i saw it then-- being rejected by my parent. It did hurt me and I did resent it for years. Now, I'm not telling you that what you're suggesting is wrong I think that's a personal, family- and situation- specific choice. I'm just saying if you do it, be prepared for some emotional fall-out.