Hi Momtofive! So you have an attorney? Why haven't they suggested going to court? It's not always the best way to dispute an argument but sometimes it's the only way. If they aren't willing to cooperate with you in the least bit, then I see that as the only option. What does your son say? Does he like living there? How old is he?

Yes we just got out of court I forgot that :) I ended up with a few more hours on the weekend and one hour more on every other monday that I already had. I settled out of court because I would have lost my joint custody without question. In Oregon if one parent says joint custody isn't work, then the courts say it's gone. So yeah we just finished an out of court settlement. Mostly the problem is just her selfish attitude and she wants to be his mom. Won't let me take him dentist/ortho appts. Doesn't allow him to talk to me while he is there, she is always telling him negative things about me. Etc. Etc. Yeah my attorney even wrote a letter telling my ex to get his wife under control. Anyway, just looking for advice on a personal level on how to deal with these insecure TYPE A personalities.

Hi Momtofive,

I think it's great that you have a lawyer. Now it sounds as if it's time to use him. First up, SM and your ex have NO legal right to interfere in your communication with your son. Therefore, the taking of the cell phone would likely be considered a violation of your parental authority. I know this because the exact same thing happened to a friend of mine. He went to court over it and the judge severely chastised his ex for doing the same thing.
Waste no time in filing your claims and getting this straightened out. The longer your ex and his wife are allowed to get away with this type of outrageous behavior, the more they will think it is their right to do so.

Good luck.

Momtofive, I recall some posts a while back about how sometimes stepmoms are not able to take the child to doctor appointments, school events, etc. You may want to run a search and find the post. I remember being somewhat upset about the fact that if the biological mother contacts the school about not wanting the stepmother to participate in school activities (i.e. conferences, etc.), then the school would have to legally comply (Just in case you were wondering, I'm a stepmom!). Perhaps this also works with doctor's appointments as well...

Not only is Lily right about your ex and his wife eventually thinking it's their right, but it could be used at future court appearances against you (a perceived lack of communication with your child).

I would be upset too. Do you have any idea why she took the cell phone away? Probably not, because there is no communication. Just a thought, could it be that SS was showing off the cell phone and his step siblings started fighting with him about it? Just maybe there is a reason why it was taken away. It is so hard to understand why people do what they do. If you, the ex and his wife, are not talking it is hard to work anything out.

Is there a neutral family member or close friend on either your side or the ex's side who could mediate the situation? If not,
a lawyer is more than likely needed to get things in writing so rules are followed. Hopefully, getting things in writing will help calm the waters of the dynamics of stepfamily life.

Many of the messages on this board suggest SMs dislike stepchildren. I am not saying all, but many. I suggest CS is an issue (they either want it from mom, or dont want dad to pay). Get your attorney to work now. Document everything. Keep a diary. YOu may have to agree to a neutral site -- but a dollar store. I would suggest school etc.

"Many of the messages on this board suggest SMs dislike stepchildren. I am not saying all, but many."

KKNY, I'm lost about this one. What is this in reference to?

You've gotten some great advice so far. However, I don't see why you'd lose 'joint' if you went back to court. I'm not savvy on the law. DH and I haven't had these issues w/ his ex in years as the kids are grown, and I tried not to interfere back then and become overly involved, just supportive. Why wouldn't THEY lose 'joint' if it went back to court? I always thought the courts were more apt to give a BM custody - at least in the past.

I assume his children w/ his wife are very young - about a 2 y.o. and an infant, so I doubt she was taking the cell away so the others wouldn't be jealous. I think she is trying to prevent communication and could be damaging him emotionally if he isn't told just how often mommy is calling to speak to him.

Look into the above suggestion about dr. appt. and a mother taking him over the sm.

Is she unable to be rationalized with? What about your ex? What is the reason you got the short end of the deal in 'joint' back when it happened?

The silver lining is that the SM is concerned and seems to love him but it's in an all too possessive way at your expense. What is your take? Is she jealous you and your ex have a past? Did you ever have words w/ her? Is she very young and immature? Do you think she loves your son or is just controlling.

Elaborate if you can. I still don't see why he isn't one week w/ you, one w/ them...

Dana

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg020006538892.html

This is the one I was talking about. In regards to doctor appointments it looks like a poster may have referenced HIPAA.

I am waiting to post on this one till it plays itself out a little more.... I see more to the story than is written but anyway.

I am a SM who has to take the children to the drs office dad works and mom is "busy". I have even asked mom to come to a few because she had questions but was "busy"..We have paid co-payments ahead of time but again she was "busy".

BM ... I like taking them to the drs ok I'll make the appointments on your days with the kids so you can take them..... I can't take them to the drs I am busy so can you reschedule the appointment.

OP -- I don't mean to offend, but how severe was your PPD? And did it cross over into psychosis?

The reactions you're describing from StepMom are the types of things a caring StepMom might do if she thinks she needs to 'protect' kids from a BioMom who is melodramatic and irrational.

Or, her reactions could also simply be her own over-reacting and irrational behavior -- But usually it's only the BioMoms who care so much they get that dramatic about 'shielding' the kids...

I agree with Cawfe -- there's more to this story than has been written so far.

Another backhanded compliment maybe?

BTW I don't like to be backhanded even when a compliment is attached to it. :-)

Huh?

I was suggesting the OP read some of the other threads like -

"SD is infuriating"

"in Hindsight -- "

And she will see that there are a lot (not all, but a lot) of SMs who do not like the stepchildren, and that she should keep that in mind. It doesnt sound like the SM has ever met the OP, and she hasnt lived with dad for a long time. If she feels she can handle kids, I would go for it.

momtofive: If you can't/don't provide all the information or the full story, you won't be able to get the best advice from anyone.

Mom,

I am certain things may have looked different 7 years ago. The past is the past. The focus now should be that you have spent more than the allowed time with the child, and you are a positive parent. That must be your focus. If you did have issues, like PPD, focus on what you did to deal with/get over that. Admitting weakness is not in your best interest in any court proceeding, or any public forum (and dont kid yourself, blog entries have been used agaisnt people). Focus on what is relevant. Focus on your abilities as a parent.

Best of luck.

Many of the messages on this board suggest SMs dislike stepchildren. I am not saying all, but many.

Another backhanded compliment maybe?

She elaborated on the comment so at this point it is moot.