"Please help me figure out what is wrong with me!"

can't tell that there's anything wrong with you.

As long as their father defends their weight, their diets, & their lack of exercise, & as long as they don't have to be considerate or even show manners (in other words, as long as he "doesn't want to be the bad guy", & he doesn't have to be the bad guy because you're there taking up the slack, washing the dishes, etc), things will just keep on keeping on.

You'll continue to dread their arrival, you'll become more embarrassed in public, your summers will be excruciating, & the 3 of them will overeat & lounge around, & the boys will continue to be morbidly obese (hasn't any doctor or teacher said anything about this?).

One thing I've noticed is that we women believe words, & men believe action.

"Seeing is believing" is a concept they grasp.

Fussing at them doesn't work.
No matter what you say, if you don't take action, they don't think there's a problem.

The only possibility I can see for you to get some relief is to put your foot down;

put hubs on notice that you'll provide groceries & that you'll physically throw out any junk food that comes into your kitchen, that you won't wash a dish as long as these boys are in the home, & that the first time he makes a "linebacker" joke, you'll leave the 3 of them standing in the dirt.

(By the way, linebackers have to be in top physical shape.)

& then you have to throw out the junk food, stop washing dishes, & leave them in public.

I wish you the best.

Thank you for your advice...I was ready o be bombarded by people telling me how wrong I was.

I have done the grocery shopping here lately. There are no chips, cookies, candy...etc. in my house at this time. My husband told me to pic up some chips when I went to the store. I told him I would but the chips would be put in "baggies" so they would be in portions where the kids wouldn't sit and eat an entire bag in one sitting. He told me that I was being ridiculous, so I didn't buy any chips...lol.

Also, in prep for this visit...I left 4 glasses, 4 plates and silverware in the kitchen so when they eat, they must do dishes before they eat again. Hubby didn't like that either so I told him if he wanted things different, take the kids to his mothers' house. I'm tired of being ignored and taken advantage of by him and his children.

When we go out I want to wear a sign around my neck that says "These are not my children." We used to take the kids to an amusement park every year, last year when we went...we stood in line for an hour and a half to get on a roller coaster, the bar would not close in the car the kids were in. They had to get off and husband laughed it off because he knew for the first time his kids felt bad about their weight.

All I know from a medical standpoint is their doctor has told them and their mother that the kids need to be put on a strict diet but they just keep getting bigger and bigger everytime I see them.

Anyhow, I do appreciate your advice. It makes me feel at least a little bit validated.

Isn't there a show on TV now that shows age progression of kids if they are left to continue at their current pace of an unhealthy lifestyle? See if you can get them and their parents on it or at least to WATCH it!

Morbid obesity is a crisis today. We used to have PE daily, our moms cooked dinner nightly, McDonald's was a 'once in awhile' thing - not a staple of our diets. Today, PE is either an elective or is severely cut down (my boys in elem. have it 2 x's/week) and fast food is an every occurence for so many families w/ kids. Cholesterol issues are problems w/ teenagers - unheard of when I was a child (I'm 43.)

I'm confident you cannot change their mother, but I'd try like heck to work on their dad. At the very least, do what you're doing by leading by example and not allowing all that junk into your home. Keep the kids accountable for their dishes. I think your plan is a good one - but be careful not to approach things like a witch w/ a capital B, lol. Keep a nice tone when you ask that they do the dishes, etc. Don't get exasperated but don't back down. (I'm not assertive - always afraid of looking like the evil woman I want to be deep down when others take advantage!)

Lastly, get some literature on healthy eating and the crisis today w/ fast food. Watch "Super Size It" or whatever the name of the movie is about the guy who ate only from McDonald's for a month. Rent it and watch it as a family. I heard it's a real eye opener. Say you've heard interesting things about it (the guy's Dr. knew what he was doing and said, "If I didn't know what you were doing, I'd swear you were being poisoned!")

And, yes, ALL athletes have to maintain some sort of physical activity level. While certain positions bulk up and sometimes there's a bit of excess poundage there, they also work out and build muscle. Doesn't sound like these guys resemble any of the football players I've known in my life - and I know quite a few.

DH doesn't want to be the bad guy. Understandable. He isn't w/ them full time - a reason many dads let things go - often w/ discipline. But, does he want to be the dad who outlives his sons? Does he want to be the dad w/ sons suffering from adult onset diabetes? And w/ how cruel some kids are to the overweight, who on earth would want that for their kids? I'm sure he doesn't feel like he has much power w/ them living elsewhere. But, he needs to talk to his ex about how the boys have grown - in all the wrong ways. Is she also obese? If the rollercoaster didn't wake up these boys, they need intervention - maybe a Dr. could enlighten them. Trouble is that kids often think it won't happen to them or that it's so far off in the future, they'll be OK or will lose the weight later. They need to lose it NOW. If Dad thinks they'll be linebackers, get them into a summer camp to learn what it takes! Get them in ANY sports camp while they're with you!

Good luck. I feel for you. I understand about the sign - had that issue w/ my SS, not for obesity, but for his attitude sometimes!

Dana

My SS lives with us FT and he has ADHD. He takes meds then his dad allows him to eat sugary foods all the time, which does nothing for the boy. Talk about p*ss*ng in to the wind! So I understand where you're coming from. I do not bring any junk in the house, but that certainly doesn't stop my DH from doing so. Dana and sylvia are right: Take over the grocery shopping, pitch out the junk food if DH brings it in, sign them up for camp, and stop being the maid. The sooner you stop doing for them what you had asked them to do in the first place, the better off you'll be. Have you ever heard of disengaging? It might work for you.

Here is a link that might be useful: Disengaging

Good for you laurels!!! (smiling like a fool)

You used the term disengaging!!! How has the summer been with your SS? I had read how he was going to his moms and you were worried about him there ... but if no one else is let it go and enjoy the time with your daughter I think was my response.

A lot of good suggestions (diet and exersice). I would add, has Dad spoken to doctor or school counselor DIRECTLY? Does he understand when he gives the boys chips he is killing them? These kids are in need of help; maybe dad would listen to professionals. If their pediatrician is out of state, I know mine will schedule a phone call. If the boys are future linebackers, what sports are they doing? My guess is none, and they are too embarressed themselves to do group exercize. I know not cheap, and take up space, but can you talk to dad about buying a treadmill etc for your house? Early morning runs with dad -- even walks at first? Just my guess, but I think the boys might want to get started with a private exersice program at first. Maybe dad is making jokes because he is embarressed also. To me, this is one situation where the mom and the dad must get on the same page -- it is a critical health issue. My DD is a chearleader and most of the football players are not fat at all. One can be described as solid. That is not fat. They all have to run, etc. Its a shame, but there are lots of options for women with weight problems, but less for teenage boys. I am certain these boys are missing out on social life, etc.

Hi cawfe,

I've been wanting to tell you that I missed you while you were on "hiatus" aka lurking on the boards. I've been doing quite a bit of that myself lately! I was just thinking about the disengaging essay again because we had a rough week with SS, BM, and DH's parents, and apparently, I was the only one who was po'd about all of it.

For the most part, I am trying very hard to let go of the things that apparently no one else cares about, i.e. SS! I've been told repeatedly (BM's words spoken via DH) that I'm not his mother. What she fails to realize is I never had the desire to replace her. I said on another board my maternal instincts begin and end with my daughter. However, I'm tired of having to mother (verb) him when he has two capable parents who can do the same thing but they choose not to. He's also at the age (12) where he should be forced by his parents and GPs to begin taking responsibility for himself but they don't. They are doing him such a grave inconvenience by babying him and making excuses for him.

My worries about him going to live with his BM are completely financial. DH and I live paycheck to paycheck. DH couldn't afford to pay CS, although he claims if this would happen, he would go for 3-1/2 years worth of back support from BM. I believe that as much as I believe I'll miraculously wake up tomorrow 10 pounds thinner. On the other hand, I know how devastated DH would be if SS chose the BM over him, and that's exactly how DH would see it. I'm sure it would also somehow be my fault because I expected the boy to do chores, follow rules, study to get good grades, and act like he was part of this family.
Regardless, he has been gone most of the summer and I think he's gone for the next three weeks as well. I'm not privy to most of his visitation schedule and am just expected to drop what I'm doing or change my plans to suit DH, BM, and GPs. That's a whole other saga.

I can't say that I look forward to school beginning. I like being at home with my daugther and I babysit my niece once a week. They are my rocks in this whole situation. Not only that, school poses a whole other set of problems with SS and I don't look forward to 9 months of it again.

Anyhow, thanks for asking and letting me ramble! :)

Your "ramblings" are really quite clear and very helpful, and I recommend every mom reading them. This is what I think moms should be concerned about (AND LET ME SAY I AM NOT SAYING YOUR FEELINGS TOWARD SKIDS ARE INAPPROPRIATE, NOT DESERVED ETC), but what I am saying is that CS can drive custoday fights. Before states started enforcing CS, I think there were less custody fights. Now that it means money, dad and SM are in there fighting.

CS is just my own personal worry as I'm sure we would have to move out of our house in order for DH to pay it. The major driving force in my DH's custody battle is the fact that he and BM have allowed a 12-year-old to dictate when and where he's going to live and to hell with the rest of us. I'm very tolerant of my SS and he has earned my feelings towards him. In our situation, if the roles were reversed and BM had full custody of the boy, DH would be paying out the wazoo. Not suprisingly, before BM signed him over to DH 3-1/2 years ago, he was fulfilling his CS obligations without complaint and BM was very, very happy with it. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, she doesn't think it's so fair anymore.

tidbit of info...laurels if I wrong say so... but if I recall correctly....

Laurels hubby has custody of his son He travels quite a bit for work to it is left to laurels to mother (verb) this child. His mother is supposed to be paying support and does not ... but makes all kinds of demands...

So yes if mom wanted him for the school year he would have to pay her support even though she doesn't pay him. Do you see the double standard? So yes this fight would be financial. Doesn't matter where the child lives he has 2 homes but if mom is not obligated to pay support why should dad.

You are right about my situation, cawfe. DH has custody and BM has visitation. DH travels 3/4 of the year and I am left to mother (verb) the child. The BM continues to be a thorn in all of our sides in all sorts of ways.

My answer to cawfe's question about my summer and SS were not meant to cause anyone's undies to get in a bunch. I don't have any desire to debate CS especially since everyone's situation is different. I only state my opinions and facts that pertain to our stepfamily.

(smiling) .... mother (verb) giggling ... I like it don't you ?

I most certainly do because up until this point, I sort of associated being a SM with being a babysitter. Only you don't get paid!

That would be an au pair... :-) in exchange for caring for a child and being at the parents beck and call ... you get room and board!

Except all au pair contracts state that an au pair gets a certain amount of time off each week. That never happens for me (lol)

Those of you who work outside the home ... do get time off :-) to earn your keep!!(smiles). I on the other hand am SOOL.
silly (sarcastic) mood today I guess.

I'm lucky enough to go back to work at the end of August to earn my fair share! Although I'm heckled by my husband for staying home during the summer months. Every single day he wants to know what my plans are and what I've done, then has the nerve to tell me he doesn't care! HA!

And I am lucky in that SS does go to BM's for extended summer visits and now the GPs want him, too. I know some of you aren't afforded that luxury of SKs going to visit that long, and I feel for you. It's difficult enough as it is then not to have a break would be extremely trying.

I am going back to teaching in 2 weeks also, and I am looking forward to it. If nothing else, to help relieve some of our debt issues. And, I think it will be good to have something to focus on besides all of the angst that has gone on in our life dealing with Dh's Ex.