I think most younger children dont necessarily expect to go everywhere with older ones. Giver her time. Also, where are your parents? Do they live nearby?

MIL will state that they just don't fit into their lifestyle right now.

That statement sucks. Babies dont fit into my lifestyle but we have to make adjustments and sacrifices.

My parents live very close as well and take equal time with all three children even thought the oldest is technically a step-grandchild to them. I haven't requested that the younger ones go with them, I have only asked that they take a small amount of time to do something with the younger ones them also.

I don't think it sounds very fair either, however, depending upon the plan/event, an adult is unable to participate in the fun with the older child(ren) if they are babysitting and/or tending to the younger ones. When younger children are involved you are somewhat restricted and activities are limited to a certain extent. I know that when I'm involved with a group that has varied ages I tend to focus more on the little ones because they could get hurt and/or wander off which means that the older ones must then entertain themselves because I am occupied. If this is the case I completely understand your MIL but then she should also try to plan a few activities that are age appropriate for the yournger ones as well. Maybe she doesn't know what to do with the youngers ones..? Perhaps you should invite them to a few playdates and outtings in order to show them that the younger ones can be fun too... Hope this helps!!!

Well, it isn't fair and I understand your anger. I have to believe, however, that the older has a special place in their hearts w/ the huge strike against him in the biomom dept. I'm sure the g-parents are just trying to make up for that lousy hand and, as you say, they had to step in when DH was a single parent.

I firmly believe, however, that when the older one is a teenager (just a few years), he will have less and less time w/ the g-parents as the friends are the group of choice to hang out w/. During those years, the younger two will be more than welcomed in the g-parents' lives. They will fill the gap left by their brother and will be at an easier age for the g-parents to handle.

I have to be careful not to cater to my oldest (7) on weekends and breaks. I seem to ask him first what he wants to do - he's more vocal and I also feel that during the school year, he's much more restricted, so I try to 'make up' for all that structure by giving him the choices for free time. I hear a little of that coming into play w/ the g-parents. W/ your other two being so young, they aren't as vocal. The squeeky wheel gets the oil, and they'll be squeeking before you know it, so ride this one out and gradually ease them into the mix w/ their g-parents.

BTW, good for you for opening your heart and your home to your SS. He's a lucky boy w/ all of these caring adults around. Bite your tongue a bit and see what the next couple of summers bring. Before long, I'll bet it's the younger two w/ the g-parents more than the oldest.

Good luck,
Dana

"MIL will state that they just don't fit into their lifestyle right now.
That statement sucks."

Yes it does:
This MIL takes her "lifestyle" waaay too seriously.

I can see grandparents not wanting to be used as baby-sitters, especially at the diaper stages, but this grandmother saying that a 3 year old & a 2 year old "just need to accept it" is slap-in-the-face nonsense.

but why are grandparents in the driver's seat anyway?

These are *your children*, you & hubs set the rules:

Grands (or aunts or uncles or cousins) get younger ones Saturday morning or afternoon & older one Saturday evening.

or some such.

They don't visit little ones, they don't visit older one either.

If their lifestyle cannot accomodate your children's lifestyles, so sorry, maybe they can visit all the children sometime before high school graduation.

oops, sorry, that was snotty.
oh well.

Some people do not have the energy to deal with toddlers. I was with a friend with children the same age as your toddlers, and it is exhausting and all consuming. The two year old kept running to the stairs (even though the child could not do stairs) and the mom kept bringing the child to another area to play, but the child kept trying to go on back to the stairs. When the mom would pick the child up, the child would kick and scream and cry (AKA a major temper tantrum) returning again and again for the stairs. The mom was trying to visit with friends, and have a conversation, and the child made this impossible. At the same time, she was trying to keep and eye on her 3 year old who kept wandering off. Some people just do not enjoy babies and toddlers, and do not feel comfortable being responsible for someone else's toddlers. Friends would take turns watching each others toddler, while the other ran errands. After doing it a few times, it stopped, as the one child would scream for the entire 2 hours. No amount of distraction or toys helped. One of the friends said that the few hour break was not worth the price of having to return the favor and watch a child who cried so much. Toddlers take enormous energy, and you have to focus on them every minute. It is one thing when they are your children. It is another thing entirely when they belong to someone else. Trust her and try not to take it personally. Several years from now (5 or so) if they still leave your children out, then you may want to talk to them. But for now, don't force your toddlers on someone who is not willing. Perhaps you can do somethings with them bringing the toddlers, so that a relationship begins to develop, but you are there to help if your children cry or wander off. At some point, they may feel up to the challenge of an outing with one or both of your young children.

This may have "nothing" to do with their step child versus your children, and have everything to do with the fact that some people are uncomfortable with babies and toddlers. Wait and see as your children become more self sufficient (around age 7-8) if they are included.

If they are not, then I imagine it will be their loss.

Many people simply do not have the energy to enjoy taking such young children out on outings. The others are right in that with the toddlers along, they would be unable to focus on the older grandchild. You yourself must know many parents who cannot even go out to dinner and actually enjoy it with toddlers. The child wants out of the high chair, and then is running around the restaurant, or will not go in the high chair and is crying if made to sit in a high chair. Or one of the parents is walking around outside with the toddler, while the other parent finishes eating., etc. Not a relaxing dinner out by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone. So again, try not to take it personally right now. Respect their discomfort being responsible for someone else's toddlers, and do not try and force them into something they are clearly uncomfortable with.

very good points, bnicebkind.

but if the problem is keeping up with the toddlers, why don't grands just say that?

"We can't keep up with little ones, they wear us out til we think we're gonna die" instead of "not our lifestyle".

I think if you turn this into a powerplay, the only losers will be the children. The GPs said they will spend more time with younger ones later. Has it occurred to you that they feel sorry for the oldest becuase he has lost his mother and the younger ones have not? Has it occurred to you how much that must hurt? Not that you arent a great replacement, but the hurt is still there.

My post is more about taking any of our grandkids out. I was going into the mall one day and an older person came out with a toddler, he was kicking and screaming because he wanted down. She had her purse and a package and was very upset and shakey, that can't be any fun. I wouldn't want her taking care of my toddlers.

When our grand children wanted to visit us we took them if we weren't busy, but we were often busy. My husband collected and restored motor scooters. We belong to both the national and state clubs, so we were on the go all the time. We went to garage sales every weekend. It was our life and we wouldn't take the kids when we were busy, I don't care how old they were. At one time we had 9 grandkids living in town, if I took one home with me they all wanted to go, it's not easy being a grandparent. I had more kids to take care of than any of the parents.

sylviatexas, maybe like many baby boomers, they do want not to admit that they are getting older, or acknowledge that they don't have the energy of youth.

I have friends who have children of their own (between the ages of 10-13) and they still are afraid to watch someone else's toddlers. They will watch the grade school age children for friends, but not their toddlers...even though it has only been 7-10 years since they themselves had toddlers. They no longer feel comfortable watching and being responsible for a toddler.

And that would be my guess. That they are uncomfortable watching toddlers, and that it takes away from quality time they would otherwise have with their older grandson. They may also want to give him this special time, because so much attention is usually focused on adorable "little one's" who everyone (like complete strangers or friend) fawns over, (as in a store or something) while ignoring the older child standing there. And as others have said, they may be trying to somehow make up for a child who was abandoned by his own mom at such a young age.

And to the OP, it sounds as if you are doing a beautiful job as a mom to your 3 sons. Just try not to take it personally. Wait until your younger sons get to an easier age, and re-look at it then. Don't allow it to hurt your feelings, or cause you grief. Just allow some time and see where things are at that time.

Ok, I can see that there are possible reasons for grandparents not to feel as comfortable with toddlers, especially 2 at a time, as they feel with an older child.

But they haven't said that, & they haven't denied the lack of a bond with the younger ones:

"It is just very hurtful to see them openly favor the older one and reject the others. They will only be involved with the others after we bring up the issue of them not having a bond with them."

& saying, in reference to a 3-year-old whose feelings are hurt because his grandparents *never* ask him to join them for an afternoon,
"It is just a fact of life that they don't fit into our lifestyle and will more when they are older. They just need to learn to accept that" sounds very hard, very cold, & very mean.

(I am assuming that the original poster's wording is accurate & that these things are exactly what is happening.)

I dunno, maybe her husband's parents like the first wife & don't like her...

in which case, I go back to my original thought;
husband & wife need to control who gets to do what with the children.

In response to the posts-the Grandparents aren't at all uncomfortable with this age group. My MIL stated they would be more involved but they prefer the oldest child because he can do the things they enjoy -horses, camping, etc. I totally support them having their own life and doing the things they have worked years to enjoy. The only thing I have asked for is for them to take one afternoon a month or less and do something with the younger ones or one at a time. They are openly rejected by their grandmother and it not only hurts them but hurts the older one who knows and feels loved more and believes he is above the other sibling because of this. He has called himself the "Golden Child." The mother of the oldest has never been accepted by the inlaws. She has been on drugs and from house to house his entire life. My MIL says she likes me, but regardless I don't know what this should have to do with her loving and accepting her grandchildren, they are innocent in adult issues. Maybe the best thing is to write a letter setting boundaries we see to be acceptable and ask for their respect of those. My hope is one day she will have a bond with all of the grandchildren and see what gifts they all have to offer.

"They are openly rejected by their grandmother and it not only hurts them but hurts the older one who knows and feels loved more and believes he is above the other sibling because of this."

& the 9-year-old already calls himself the Golden Child?

This is what abusers do:
they pick a favorite & a scapegoat(s), & the children are forced into those molds.

The favorite thinks he/she can do no wrong &thinks that everything the scapegoat(s) do is wrong, & the scapegoat(s) always feel guilty & blame themselves because the abuser doesn't love them.

You & hubs *must* take control:
Set those boundaries in concrete & do not allow them to be bent, flexed, or stretched.

(I said maybe they like ex better because I couldn't figure out anything else, & sometimes it does happen).