My grandma taught my Mom who repeated it to me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" and... "If you look hard enough, you can find some good in every one." My Grandma (her pet name for me was "Obbie"...for some reason, I didn't pronouce "Grandma" and "Awe-bee" was the name she answered to when I was a small child. Even her neighbors & lots of friends called her "Obbie" throughout the years of my growing up. She was a "hired girl" on farms when she was a teenager...she was married and divorced at a young age...she was widowed after another marriage to my grandpa of 26 yrs...she worked in a bakery, she operated a cafe, she ironed clothes in her home for other families...she was always a HARD worker!...she passed that on to her 3 daughters & family. Here are some of my precious memories of my Grandma, Obbie that I wrote back in 1984 for a genealogy book my Mom created: In the back yard, Obbie had lots of flower gardens. I once found the cactus garden with my bare feet when I jumped a fence playing (where I shouldn't have been)! There were also lots of sour grapes, good ripe strawbeeries and lots of green apples. We were never without homegrown food at Obbie's. And, oh, that homemade jar of strawberry jam. Of course, inside the house, there were always homemade chocolate chip cookies. And on Sundays, the smell of Obbie frying chicken (that my 'grandpa butchered). Anyone was welcome to show up for Sunday dinner! Obbie taught me a few of the things every woman was supposed to know before growing up. The ol' treadle sewing machine put out lots of doll clothes and pin cushions. Crocheting chain stitches (by the miles). Obbie crocheted each grandchild an afghan for graduation. Never being bored at Obbie's, there were always old catalogs for cutting out paper dolls and clothes. (Ok, Gjers, I could go on & on...but I just want you to know that I was very blessed...I was a "crouper" as a child and finally outgrew it at 12 yrs. old...but my Obbie would always come running when I got sick...with "warm 7-up" and hugs. Anyway, I will end this post with a poem I wrote for this genealogy book (she died when my first grandchild was 4 mos. old): "My grandma, Obbie, always had time for her grandchildren. She was never too busy to forget us. I am the lucky one even to have had Obbie for my grandma... If I can be as strong, as you were strong, If I can give, as you have given, If I can be kind, as you always were kind, If I am loved, as you are loved, If I am cherised, as you are cherished, If I am mourned, as you are mourned, Then I can say..my life is truly blessed. Obbie passed on her love for gardening & flowers to me...as my grandpa did also...and my Dad. Here is a pic that I am so fortunate to have of my Grandma holding me in her backyard...I lived in the same household the first 2 yrs. of my life...and her LOVE shaped my life. Ahhh, pretty sentimental stuff...but I enjoyed all of your sharing and wanted to share a bit of this special lady! Thanks, Jeanne S.

Amber - I think your friend has hit it dead on. I think it's easier for us as humans to criticize someone else until we actually walk a mile in their shoes. For example: when I was a young adult, I was actually very mature and handled adult situations quite well. I held a full time job while being a full time student. I was a mom to a 6 week old husky pup that was my world. Know where my husky pup is now? With my parents... She is on her very last leg and has lived a LOT longer than most dogs live. But I abandoned her when I met Mr wonderful who was allergic to dogs. My parents remind me that I'm her mommy and I 'abandoned' her ... It's kind of a joke since it's actually a dog.... Anyway - my older sister had a baby and she couldn't hold a job, jumped from one man to the other, couldn't afford daycare. Here I was a college student, working hard to pay for books and I was often helping her pay childcare. I always criticized her. Nothing she did was right or good enough in my eyes. I was often of the opinion that she didn't deserve to be his mother and I often stated that he would be better off with ME or with my parents (with my dog). It wasn't until I had a child and then became a single mom that I realized WOW what a job it is... Try keeping a job when your kid is sick all the time or when you were up all night trying to figure out how to pay childcare AND the electric bill because both are necessary. I went out with my friends a lot and I partied... My ex would throw it in my face how I was being irresponsible and he was so much better than me because he had met someone so quickly and had settled down not two months after our divorce was final. He was such a better parent than me. I never spent money out partying.. Are you kidding? I never spent a dime of my own money... Wear some make up, your tightest jeans and laugh a little and your night is free. I'm not a whore but I did have some fun 'whore-free' nights. I just didn't jump into a new relationship like my ex did because I needed to grieve that divorce and get over all of THAT but he was such a better person than me because he didn't need to grieve I guess. My point is, I was very critical of my sister because I never knew what it was like but I thought I could do it so much better. Then I found myself in her shoes and realized I am no different than her and how I dealt with it. Then my ex criticized me for all the same things I was criticizing my sister for but alas, I still have custody and he is still the NCP -- and not for lack of trying to be custodial but because I've done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. I provide for my child. He pays child support and complains about it and the amount and that he doesn't think I spend money on my child. Whatever-- if he only knew the expenses of childcare and food and the cost to keep the house cool in 108 degree weather. Not to mention everything else. Sounds like your BF is just miserable right now and is blaming his misery on anyone who is in the target area. I just wouldn't let him drag you down when he gets upset with bm. Just listen, dont offer advice. When he wants it, he will ask.

Some people do not have the energy to deal with toddlers. I was with a friend with children the same age as your toddlers, and it is exhausting and all consuming. The two year old kept running to the stairs (even though the child could not do stairs) and the mom kept bringing the child to another area to play, but the child kept trying to go on back to the stairs. When the mom would pick the child up, the child would kick and scream and cry (AKA a major temper tantrum) returning again and again for the stairs. The mom was trying to visit with friends, and have a conversation, and the child made this impossible. At the same time, she was trying to keep and eye on her 3 year old who kept wandering off. Some people just do not enjoy babies and toddlers, and do not feel comfortable being responsible for someone else's toddlers. Friends would take turns watching each others toddler, while the other ran errands. After doing it a few times, it stopped, as the one child would scream for the entire 2 hours. No amount of distraction or toys helped. One of the friends said that the few hour break was not worth the price of having to return the favor and watch a child who cried so much. Toddlers take enormous energy, and you have to focus on them every minute. It is one thing when they are your children. It is another thing entirely when they belong to someone else. Trust her and try not to take it personally. Several years from now (5 or so) if they still leave your children out, then you may want to talk to them. But for now, don't force your toddlers on someone who is not willing. Perhaps you can do somethings with them bringing the toddlers, so that a relationship begins to develop, but you are there to help if your children cry or wander off. At some point, they may feel up to the challenge of an outing with one or both of your young children. This may have "nothing" to do with their step child versus your children, and have everything to do with the fact that some people are uncomfortable with babies and toddlers. Wait and see as your children become more self sufficient (around age 7-8) if they are included. If they are not, then I imagine it will be their loss. Many people simply do not have the energy to enjoy taking such young children out on outings. The others are right in that with the toddlers along, they would be unable to focus on the older grandchild. You yourself must know many parents who cannot even go out to dinner and actually enjoy it with toddlers. The child wants out of the high chair, and then is running around the restaurant, or will not go in the high chair and is crying if made to sit in a high chair. Or one of the parents is walking around outside with the toddler, while the other parent finishes eating., etc. Not a relaxing dinner out by any stretch of the imagination, for anyone. So again, try not to take it personally right now. Respect their discomfort being responsible for someone else's toddlers, and do not try and force them into something they are clearly uncomfortable with.

to answer: Son and daughter relationship is the best one she has here. They have a nice thing together, he is very giving of his time, He is patient and kind with his discipline, and doesnt treat her like a baby. When her mom is not around she loves to be with him, they always have a science project in the works. When mom is here, she sort of tattles on any thing she can, to make him look bad. He knows its just jealousy, and doesnt give it much attention most of the time. He patiently tries to get her to see how it isnt a cool thing to do. So yes, it looks like there are issues with son, but I don't think that is the problem at all. I am going to sound crazy, but I think every thing she does is in an effort to control her mom. She needs more attention from her, son has tried to make mom accept it, I have stayed out of that. And to be honest, she is so damn difficult, it is tough to judge the mom too much. When nother does give her time, much of it is spent arguing and whining and throwing fits to get things or go places. If she learns she gets to go to a fair or shopping the next day, she spends every minute trying to get everyone to give her money or something new to wear, and getting to go to every other fun place she can come up with, when the day comes for the fair, theres no way the outing measures up to all she tried to manipulate, and every one has a crappy time. They have come home with her crying over a not getting her way every single time, I swear this. It's just an awful ritual. And, tho I see areas where mom could do things different, as a potential mother in law, I strongly feel it is not my place to point them out. That whole thing is so fragile between women. She is in trouble with school for not completing homework, and at home for lying about doing it much of the school year. I have never seen any sign of friends. When she moved in here, I offered to let her invite someone over, picking them up, what ever it took, and told the mom the same, eventually they both said all her friends were away for the summer. My gut doesn't think so. The times I have seen her with a neighbor I was hoping would become a friend, she is controlling and gets mad enough to scream at her. She took this twice and we have not been able to get her here again. There are issues that explain her behavior, I am not sure of all of them, but the ones I feel are of concern, are things kids have always had to deal with. She needs more time with mom. My son has told the mom this lots of times. She makes at attempt for a while and it slips thru the cracks, a common thing in parenting. As for me talling her this, I strongly feel that the relationship between Mother and wife or gf is so fragile that I am not the one to give her alot of correction on her parenting. And I strongly believe, what ever the excuses are as to why this girl behaves this way, when she is in the real world, no one is going to give a rip as to why she is selfish, or steals, or critical and jealous. And when they refuse to be her friend she may not ever understand why. So, and please correct me here if I am wrong, but I hope that the belief the behavior is unaccceptable, and it doesn't matter why, is a workable theory. She has been given many chances to stop it all before the consiquences became unpleasant, she knows that, she never let up, it was always full steam ahead. I think she absolutely cannot stand to be given a rule even if its about a computer that doesnt belong to her, and she disobeys for the power of seeing if she can make you back down. She wants to control everything. Thats my gut feeling lol And I don't have a clue how to change it in her. Hope this answered things guys, I thank you, It's so nice to hear others ideas. And please know, I gotta being doing something wrong here, so telling me so or pointing out my own bad attitude or what ever you may see, will be taken as an effort to be helpful, I just want to fix this, if I have to see my own faults to do it, hey, no surprise lol thanks laurily Her life is she was raised by a very young single mother, who put herself thru dental assisting school and has managed to give them both a pretty descent life. She had a long term thing a year before my son met her. The girl has never mentioned this man or if she cared about him. My belief is that his absence gave her more time alone with her mom so she was great with it. The mom suffers guilt over working, and it's not warranted, her hours are no worse than any one else's, but going to daycare after school for an hour was a constant complaint, and she would tell every one she could how awful it was that her mom made her go. I belie