PDA: ex-wives and new wives.

15 years ago

Hi everybody, I was travelling and am back now.

here is something I wonder about. i wonder if you, second wives, show PDA in front of your DH's exwife? And if you do show PDA, how much of it do you find appropriate?

I recently had to be in a situation when i had to spend a significant time in a company of my exhusband and his new wife. Long story how and why it happened, I was visiting my hometown while DD was there with dad, also DD had a rather difficult medical procedures done so everyone was involved. Anyways the reason why i stuck for some time with ex and his family is beyond the point.

The reason i ask is that my x's new wife (she is nice, no copmplains) demonstrated excessive PDA with my X in front of me, DD and X's 2nd son. I have no feelings for X, we were married very long time ago but I still found it inappropriate. DD is grown but i doubt she finds it appropriate either. DD's brother was there as well, and he is 8, he does not need to see dad's wife showing so much PDA.

So i was shocked with amount of PDA, she constantly rubbed him, touched, kissed. My best friend who also observed that and commented how bad it looks. My friend said that the new wife tries to demonstare to everyone how wonderful everything is..She actually did slow down her PDA after i unintentionally rolled my eyes once. lol

anyways i wonder if you, second wives, show PDA in front of your DH's exwife?

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Comments (23)

lovehadley
15 years ago
I have never really been in a situation where that happened. Any time I am around BM is a kid-oriented event, like a birthday party or school function. So PDA wouldn't be appropriate in those places anyway.

Fiance will give me a kiss on the lips---but just a peck--in front of BM if we are saying hello or goodbye. But that's about it.

This is kind of off-topic, but my dad has been with his GF for 5+ years. I LOVE her, she is actually a bridesmaid in my wedding....my parents have been divorced for 9 years...but I STILL get uncomfortable when GF and my dad are lovey-dovey. And they are A LOT.

BUT--then again, I grew up in a home where my parents really did not hug/touch in front of us kids much at all. So maybe I am just not used to seeing it.
finedreams
Original Author
15 years ago
My DD's new SM did that at kids or family oriented events as well and in front of other people including young children or strangers. It was WAY more than a peck on the lips. She went as far as leaning and rubbing his bare foot (???!!) while he was sitting wiht his legs stretched. It just seemed strange... what is the need to be that physically touchy in front of ex-wife and kids? I first thought that maybe i am being crazy and maybe it is normal but then my friend commented: what is up with all this rubbing and touching in front of ex-wife and kids?
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kkny
15 years ago
My Xs SO does, but I suspect she has been drinking. I just tell DD not to get in a car with her driving.
imamommy
15 years ago
Just after my exBF and I broke up, he started seeing his now wife. Our kids all went to the same elementary school and it was the School Halloween Carnival and they were there. It was the first time I had ever seen her and they spent the majority of time, making out. Not only was it inappropriate, but obviously meant to 'show me' that she had him now. LOL Big deal, I left him! It was funny to me because several kids (2nd & 3rd graders) were saying 'eewwwww'. But, it also hurt my daughter because she thought of him as 'dad' and what do you tell an 8 year old?

Either they have no self control or they are so insecure, they want to put it in your face. I've never done that but once, when BM invited herself to my nephew's birthday party (my husband's brothers son) and my DH actually called her to tell her not to go and she told him it's not up to him. (His brother didn't want to tell her himself and was going to let it go) So, I had decided that if she showed up, I'd be a little more affectionate with DH to make her uncomfortable. But, she didn't go and I didn't have to make an ass of myself. (okay, not even sure if I'd have been able to follow through... I feel guilty for even thinking it.)
kkny
15 years ago
I've always suspected that people who go overboard on PDA dont have so much at home.
doodleboo
15 years ago
At first we did the egg shell walk around BM but after many many MANY times of her overstepping her boundaries we decided we were going to stop acting different towards each other around her. This was when she was still angling to split us up and coax J back.

We didn't go overboard we just ignored the fact she was even there and acted the way we always did when we were home alone with the girls. Pecks, hugs here and there, walking away from her car with our arms around each other..etc. etc. Our daily affections. She stopped dropping in so much and when she did the visits were to the point with no B.S. She didn't like seeing us for what we trully were....a happy couple.
serenity_now_2007
15 years ago
I agree with Ima that at times (depending on the people & circumstances) it's a major sign of insecurity-based possessiveness. And likely what kkny said too about an overcompensation.

I don't negatively judge *some* amount of parental or step-parental PDA in general, nor would I expect anyone to restrict themselves excessively like puritans... I think a major factor (which is usually quite obvious to discern) is whether it's a genuinely spontaneous (and relatively sweet, low-key) demonstration of real affection or if it's a calculated "show".

I also admit that I am WAY more tolerant (and even happy to see it) when my mom & stepdad are lovey-dovey than when my Dad & SM are. I fully admit there is likely a personal bias on my part b/c SM & I dont get along. Of course, it doesn't help that she calls him "Daddy" while engaging in this PDA, inches away from me. They also make a point of getting one good, loud "whoopee" session in whenever I visit (my visits have generally been about 7-10 days long, a few times per year). While I think it's great that they enjoy a healthy sex life, I kinda don't want to hear it and think they could wait a few more days til I'm gone, or keep it down (or experiment with muzzles), or at least give me a place to sleep that isn't 10 feet from their bedroom and which would include a door I could close.

But whatever. There is obviously a very insecure need to prove something, and my being aware of this motivation tends to counteract the intended effect.
mom2emall
15 years ago
I do think excessive PDA's are a sign of insecurity and wanting to get noticed.

My skids bm used to pick the kids up with hickeys all over her neck. Me and DH used to laugh after she left about it and how immature it was. Maybe she was trying to make him jealous by having evidence of being with her boyfriend? OR maybe her boyfriend felt the need to "mark" his territory before allowing her to pick up the kids. (her bf is VERY jealous...I've posted some examples in other threads)

We used to joke after she left that maybe DH could pee on my leg (as a dog pees on a fire hydrant) one time when she came over to also "mark" his territory!

Either way my dh was not jealous by the hickeys and he had no interest in his ex so bf really did not need to show that she was his.
kathline
15 years ago
God. I am so blonde. I have been reading all these posts, wonder what a Personal Digital Assitant has to do with second wives.

I just figured out what is REALLY being discussed. Duh duh duh.

I must need a coffee badly.
ceph
15 years ago
My mom and dad were quite lovey-dovey, so I was raised around plenty of hugs and kisses. My dad and SM are very similar, which I think weirds my stepsisters out more than me, because I'm used to seeing my dad smooching, but their mom was single for 20ish years and they weren't used to a little parental PDA before she and my dad got married.

Anyhow, we are a moderately touchy couple, we often (but not always) hold hands when out together, there's usually a hug and kiss for hello or goodbye, that sort of thing. So I've never particularly considered our level of PDA around BM, we just act like we usually do.
A__ sometimes jokingly says "Ewwwww!" if he sees us smooching in the kitchen or something like that, but you can tell he doesn't actually mind.
kkny
15 years ago
Kathline, yeah I thought from the header it was about personal data assistant and was going to seg into arguements re whose pda should SCs tie into.
wrychoice1
15 years ago
Kathline, thanks for your post. I literally laughed out loud.
finedreams
Original Author
15 years ago
thanks everybody for your replies. my main interest was not as much about PDA in front of the kids but in front of X spouses. almost like saying: he is mine now. lol it is rather ridicilous in our situation because we have been divorced for 16 years. so she does not need to demonstrate anything to me. lol I certainly hope she does not do PDA in front of his 2nd wife (civil law or whatever, were not legally married). New SM was TOW so i hope she at least has some decency not to do PDA in front of that poor woman! she might end up punched in a face or somehting. haha

kkny it sounds like your DD's SM has a drinking problem. ouch. It is awful. I know for sure SM does not drink plus she is pregnant, so her PDA is completely of a sober kind.

and yes she certainly feels insecure (being TOW and such). as i see i am not crazy and most fo you don't think that making out in front of ex-spouses is a good taste. tacky...
imamommy
15 years ago
"Kathline, thanks for your post. I literally laughed out loud."

ME TOO!!!!
organic_maria
15 years ago
i'm quite a private person so i dont over do PDA to begin with .Do not care who is in front. And to do this because his ex is in front would be so low in my opinion. What am i? In high school? I'm not an insecure person. My DH has his ex girlfriends coming over and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
If he was friends with his ex , it would be great! But that is not our case unfortunatley. Both my DH and his exwife have selfesteem issues and are insecure people. That's just reality.
People who have high PDA in my opinion are those who are insecure and have a point to prove. Whether it be, possession, stating territory or just to show off and have this 'look at me!' issue.
Just do not like it. Holding hands and a peck when leaving for a coffee with friends is fine with me. Necking to me in public and caressing.....just get a room!lol
ashley1979
15 years ago
We don't censor ourselves for either X, but we aren't really big on the PDA. Lets say X and I are already at DS's baseball game and FDH walks up.....FDH will give me a peck on the lips and say "hello". X's GF will do the same thing to X. But BM and SF.......they don't EVER act affectionate. They don't even laugh or smile at eachother when the other shows up. I kind of feel sad for them (especially him). The way they are so apathetic makes me think they aren't happy together. I grew up in a home where everyone loved eachother, but showed a moderate amount of affection. I think my parents show more PDA now than they ever have. But like I have said before, I want my kid(s) (including step) to see what a loving relationship is like. And I think minimal PDA is okay for that. Now, I would never go doing what happened in OP's situation. That's just gross. And besides I think it causes resentment from the kids. But I will hold hands or smile or give a peck on the cheek. I'm not going to stop that just because she (BM) didn't feel the same way I do about him.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
"I agree with Ima that at times (depending on the people & circumstances) it's a major sign of insecurity-based possessiveness. And likely what kkny said too about an overcompensation." TOTALLY!!!!

I'm not a fan as it just feels akward when around the ex - like I am trying to pee on his leg. I guess for those that can see an overdone PDA for what it is (see above) we abstain lest we be seen as insecure or possessive. I think it's a respect issue as well - I'm sure DH doesn't feel like being 'peed on' to make a point. Conversley, I should feel secure enough with him to not need him to 'pee' on me in front of the ex to let me know I'm 'the one."
mom_of_4
15 years ago
For a long time I didnt show PDA when ex wife was around at all.... I had enough dirty looks when I stood next to DH so I really didnt feel the urge to incur more by kissing him or anything else. Now, I really couldnt care less. We laugh we play we hug we kiss he will come up behind me and wrap his arms around me or whatever. I never really grew up in a house where there was a lot of pda... but my DH is very touchy sweet ... and I love it ... I decided that I really didnt care who was there we would act as we always do.
finedreams
Original Author
15 years ago
"But I will hold hands or smile or give a peck on the cheek. I'm not going to stop that just because she (BM) didn't feel the same way I do about him."

I am not sure I understand what you mean. How do you know if she did not feel the same way about your DH NOW now does not necessarilly mean that other woman/women did not feel the same way about your DH when they were with him.
ashley1979
15 years ago
FDH has said that BM is/was not a very affectionate person. She only does it when she's trying to prove something (i.e. she's happy in her current marriage; she's a loving mother). She only wanted a child from him. After she got that, she cheated, divorced him, married another man and got pregnant with her second child almost immediately. She never really loved him.

I do love him and want to be partners in life with him. We are in love in our daily lives; not just when we are in front of people. And I'm not going to change my daily life. She is the cause for the divorce and I'm not TOW. What do I have to change for her? She's just another person wherever we are.
quirk
15 years ago
I'm a little bit uncomfortable being touchy in front of his kids. I'm not sure it's because they're his kids, though. We worked together when we first started dating, and didn't make it public knowledge, so I think I just got into the habit of modifying my behavior in front of people we knew. We hold hands, walk with arms around each other, hug or kiss goodbye, etc in public in front of strangers and it feels perfectly natural, but it feels weird in front of people I know. Seems odd, but it is what it is.
catlettuce
15 years ago
Lol Kathline!

I gotta agree with KKNY here.

But DH & I would do no more than a quick peck on the cheek in front of others, we are not into the PDA and frankly I think it's just a little tacky to be all up in each others stuff in front of others-Yuck.
doodleboo
15 years ago
"I think a major factor (which is usually quite obvious to discern) is whether it's a genuinely spontaneous (and relatively sweet, low-key) demonstration of real affection or if it's a calculated "show"."

Well said Serenity. I think that is the deciding factor of what is appropriate.

PDA: ex-wives and new wives.

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