Need Help with BF Teenage Daughter

19 years ago

I have been dating a wonderful man for one year. He is 49 with an 18 year old daughter. I am 43 with no children. When we met he was very newly separated and his daughter was living with him almost exclusively. At the time she did not have a very good relationship with her mother. Due to the newness of the separation and issues his daughter has with dealing with stress etc we dated "in secret" for the first 6 months of our relationship. His daughter had no idea he was dating, she was told he was meeting friends or doing some other activity. As a result we got to see each other mostly on weekends when she was busy with friends or school activities but it was unpredictable and often disappointing when plans were broken. I was OK with this since we were just getting to know each other and I was sure that as time went by, and if our relationship progressed, we would deal with it. At the 6 month mark, during a casual conversation with her about dating in general, he finally confessed to her that he was dating a woman (me). Well she was furious and went ballistic and during the BFs planned weekend away a few days later she moved all her belongings from his house to her mothers. When he came home and found her gone he was devastated. They are very closer, much closer than mother/daughter, and he was very concerned. Within 2 weeks, after coaching from her therapist (she's been seeing one twice a week since 8th grade) she resumed her relationship with her father but it was tenuous at best for quite awhile. Needless to say any mention of me was strictly off bounds. She had no desire to acknowledge my existence and she didn't. So now, 6 months later things are not much better. I still have not met her. She claims she isn't "ready" for it. The BF comes to my house so we can see each other. I have been to his house exactly twice in one year. The first 5 or 6 months into our relationship when I insisted on seeing where he lived as it says a lot about a person. He "snuck" me in when he was sure she wouldn't surprise us. The second came awhile after when she was at school and he was in bed so sick he could not say no to my offer to come over for a few minutes to feed and medicate him. At this point, I am getting nervous about investing more time in a relationship where I haven't met a daughter who lives with him, who is #1 in his life, who is a huge part of his life. He has basically told me he doesn't think there is a chance I will meet her before she goes to college in September. I am not in any way jealous of her, nor do I resent the time he spends with her. I respect him for being a loving and involved parent. I know you can't force things and there are no rules about when you should or shouldn't meet the kids but I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar situation. What do you think is reasonable in this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

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Comments (10)

brass_tacks
19 years ago
mykoko,
You are describing a man and his daughter that are not ready for what you would like to see happen.

This man hasn't had enough time to adjust to his new life and all that goes with it. He may think that his daughter is all that is keeping you and him apart. He may be sincere about that, but given more time to adjust, he may feel not the same about you. There is no guaranty that after he has adjusted that he might realize that you are not what he wants after all. Perhaps you would like to scarf him up before he makes that kind of decision--not a good choice on your part! You are taking a big chance with a man that is not ready for the kind of committment you would like. At your age, it's not a good idea to be making big mistakes.

You do not have to have experienced what you are experiencing to know that recently divorced people (and widowed) are not ready to move on the first year. You may be somewhat innocent in your thinking. At 49, you cannot afford to be unwordly in your thinking. You also need to know what this man sees in you. I do not mean that to be an insensitive remark. Just think about it.

I say, back-off. Get yourself busy with other people and activities.
User
19 years ago
Neither of them is ready for a relationship.

Give him your phone number and tell him not to call you until he's ready to introduce you to his daughter. And don't wait by the phone.
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I feel your frustration...and sadness. Always a well behaved kid, my DD is VERY well liked by kids as well as teachers and family members. She's friendly, outgoing, and kind. ... Elsewhere..... At home she is a chameleon. She'll be 'my daughter' for anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. Then suddenly, she's sullen, easily angered, private and a stranger, for a few days. I worry about her constantly. Then I talk to people I work with and they assure me that they've all gone through the same things with their daughters. It's all 'normal'. They're creating the necessary distance they need to grow up. My DD started the pushing away phase this year. It was SO hard....on me! It's sad, but once you get past the hurt feelings (as unrealistic as they are) you'll be okay. Kids have to do this...and you just need to be there WHEN THEY NEED YOU...not when you need them. Just be there. The one area I still regulate with an iron fist is the computer. She has access to everything she needs/wants, but I don't allow visiting friends blogs (too obscene as anyone can post on them) and I don't allow AIM/Messenger/chatting. It's too easy for kids to get carried away when chatting online, and for things to be said that normally wouldn't be. Feelings get hurt, clashes occur, cliques form, etc....being a teen is hard enough...they don't need that extra source of stress. When I feel she's mature enough, then I'll allow these things. She has to prove to me that she's ready. Be patient... Understand it's not personal... Give them space... Although I don't care for some of the language in it, there is a good book called "Get out of my life!...but first can you take Cheryl and I to the mall?" This book is great....I had many "Aha!" moments while reading it. Good luck...
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Work with the facts mostly. That can give you a bare-bones outline of what the situation is. Work hard to avoid interpreting the motives or thoughts of the others. The only one you _really_ know potentially is yourself and your views. I think it is unusual for a parental adult to form that close a friendship with their child's (adolescent, but still minor and not legally an adult) boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter. If her mother is having deep conversations and sharing her personal views with you, that can be inappropriate and it ignores or disregards all kinds of normal/healthy social boundaries. There are many reasons a person might not act within social 'norms.' Some of these are beyond a person's control (Asperger's syndrome, or some personality orientations can result in a trait people have which causes them to not be socially adept with their peers or in a way which is 'normal'). That she does this with you may not have anything to do with personal feelings, or desires she has. Sometimes people who are in the role of 'host' or 'hostess' will insist on giving up personal beds for the use of overnight guests. That can be normal. It can also be the case that there is confusion of boundaries which extends beyond the conversations and has moved into the realm of personal feelings on her mother's part. It is impossible to say or to know because the only one who can know is her mother, and she has acted in a way which suggests she may not be clear in her own view (about normal boundaries and why they exist, and how to set them up and maintain them for everyone's benefit, etc.). About your gf, there seems to be some confusion about what she 'really' wants or what she is 'really' interested in; in terms of further exploring your shared relationship and possible physical expressions? If you want clarity you can ask her direct questions like 'I am confused when you (say what it is she does or says that is unclear to you), and I need you to tell me how you would like me to respond.' Sponteneity is a bad thing in this kind of matter. The consequences of most physical expressions can involve viral infections which are chronic (types of herpes), warts can also be transmitted inadvertently and through activities which are not viewed as 'real' intercourse. By asking her you can get a feel for whether she, or you for that matter are ready. Absently acting on feelings simply because of having them is something that can be done. Humans do have the capacity to think before acting though and it's worthwhile to do so usually. It's a benefit of eons of evolution. Asking can give you clarity about her feelings, and what she wants or thinks she wants. People who have limited or no experience in these matters (and teenagers are limited in that they haven't had much time at all to be able to develop both adult maturity and good experience) may not reasonably be able to know what they want. They may not be clear on their own feelings. A good test for whether to proceed or not is if you (and she) are supportive enough of each other that either of you can and would stop if the other (at _any_ time in the proceedings) expressed the need to stop. Being able to do that without any hard feelings or resentment is more of a test of healthy advanced adult maturity. you can get clarity about what 'further' is to her, and maintain good ongoing open communication with her P.S. You might have to be the one to set boundaries with her mother if you find that her 'closeness' feels uncomfortable in any way to you. Then you can stop the deep personal conversations or conversations about her daughter. 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Your friend, the mom, is way too involved. I had two best friends that had small crushes on my husband before we dated, and I recall having crushes on guys in highschool that my friends ended up going out with. All were pretty minor crushes though. I would guess this may be more than just a little crush that the friend had. Was she talking about and following him around, etc? Sometimes in those really heavy crush situations, friends do sort of respect the boundaries. My first reaction was to say that boyfriends come and go, but that girl friends are usually more important in the long run. But, I think that is something everyone needs to learn for themselves from their own experiences. I have a feeling everything will settle down once the couple go out and break up (which they probably will do sooner or later). Although, your daughter may become known as a boyfriend stealer...not really her fault, but be prepared. This one relationship may hurt her reputation and her popularity. And, sadly I think she may find out too late that it probably wasn't worth it. But what else are the teenage years really for if not to learn from trial and error? Bottom line though, it's really nothing either of the mother's should be involved in. I can't understand the other mother's hatred of your daughter. I don't really think there's a good answer or solution when the other mother is just acting so irrational.
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Because the situation has some extreme aspects to it, I can see your frustration over what sounds like an extreme discrepancy between the way the kids are treated. I'm sure that it must be hard to watch, and there are no easy answers for how to make things fair... because the kids in general have had very different lives and experiences and continue to do so. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges, and that's what makes the 'fairness' hard to determine. I agree that your husband should cut back a bit on the buying of luxuries, and he certainly shouldn't buy them every time she asks for one, and certainly not on command in general... But I also see where you and your bio-kids have to adjust your thinking a bit too. First of all, the following thinking needs to be adjusted: "he loves and cares about he more than he does us and that is painful to have him put first when i am demented in thinking we were here first.." Because actually, your Sd was there first. Not saying that this automatically means each and every time that she has to be "first' on everything, but her existence is a fundamental point of fact that you seem to be mis-perceiving. Also "i wouldnt have chosen a man with children because i didnt ever want my children or me to be second to someone elses children...but here i am..and here she is..." Well, you very much DID choose a man with a child: another fundamental fact which you seem to be ignoring. Finally, you mentioned that it upsets you to see your husband providing for his daughter her b/c he doesn't provide for you in that exact manner. But the thing is, not only is she his minor child, but she is also a minor child that he DIDN'T provide ANYTHING for for the vast majority of her life. So yes, a certain amount of this is making up for that past irresponsibility and neglect. Clearly not in an ideal way, but he at least is trying to own up to his paretal responsibilities to her in SOME way now. But as everyone has noted, of course this can create other problems. Namely how your children perceive the situation. The only thing I can suggest as to how to address it with them is by an honest explanation incorporating some real-life lessons about: the fact that life doesn't always treat everyone exactly equal in exactly the same ways at the exact same times because we all have different lives; the fact that people make mistakes but that the right thing to do is to address those mistakes and make amends like your husband is doing; and that no matter what it may appear someone else has, on the surface, you never know what they have endured, or what they have lacked deep down, in the past, etc. Not to be overly dramatic about it, and it's not the best comparison, butit's soemthing along the lines of how it may be explained to kids that some kids get out of certain chores b/c they have a physical disability, or soem kids get out of certain homework assignments b/c they have a learning disability, or some kids get first consideration at colleges b/c they are in a certain minority group, or some kids are just born to rich parents and simply get more than other kids, period. If you think about it, at some point, we all learn these type of lessons, b/c if we didn't we'd all be pretty bitter and think that life is terribly unfair and that people who have certain advantages that we don't have are automatically happier. And this whole thing underscores the point that money shouldn't be a defining thing in happiness or relationships... the very point that is trying to be made about why it's upsetting to see Dad spend so much money on SD.
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tvtalk06
19 years ago
My name is Stacie, I'm with the Dr. Keith Ablow Show, a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a
practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please
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I am looking to speak with stepmoms and stepdads about what their lives are like. Blending families can be difficult and in doing my research, I've come across many different issues. I was hoping that you would be willing to share your personal stories with me. You are, of course, under no obligation to come to our show. My toll free number is 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at tvtalk06@yahoo.com
I'm hoping to hear from you soon.
organic_maria
19 years ago
My personal opinion even my husbands after reading this, is this guy should have waited to get a full divorce before heading into another relationship. Another thing, he should not be "sneaking you in" in any way. His daughter is 18 and waaaaaay old enough take the news as an adult. This man is old enough to stand his ground and should take a stand with his daughter. But i'll be honest with you. Both his daughter and him are not ready.
Most important is that this man is not ready. He must change the fact that he is afraid of his daughter. And take a stand. I think you should step back a bit. But if you continue to see him , speak about ground rules. You dont have to meet his daughter. You are both old enough and your life is not dictated by his girl. She is old enough and from her reaction she can take care of herself. She needs to respect her father and his decisions. She will come around. BUt dont' bother at this point meeting her. That's not important. Your relationship with him comes first. Not her. She is not a child of 8 to be concerned about. And to be honest again, an 18 year old reacting like that sounds like she has BIG issues. And i'm sure there is more to this.
In the end. Its too early for this man to make a commitment to you. He must get his head straight. His daughter has unresolved issues. You dont want to get involved at this point. My husband waited 2 1/2 years to be with someone...and with good reason.
teemo94618_yahoo_com
14 years ago
I have been involved in a very similar predicament. I've been dating a wonderful man for over a year and a half, he has been separated and in the process of divorcing. I have yet to meet his two teen aged daughters. We have had many conflicts over the fact that I am still a secret. I have broken it off several times with him but yet we keep finding our way back together. It's my fault for taking him back, but it's difficult to shut my feeling off. It is too difficult not knowing a single thing about his other/very important life, plus he has to hide me, we can't be seen in public, I can't leave any of my belongings at his house in the fear that one of his daughters were to find it, etc... He keeps promising me that he's going to break the news, but he always comes up with excuses of why he can't. I know he feels guilty about breaking up with his wife and leaving the relationship, but he's a great father, and he is totally in both of the daughters lives.
Now he has told me that his 16 year old has told him that there is no way that he can date! After over a year and a half, I've finally called it quits.
My advice to anyone in this situation, Do not date men who have teen aged daughters, especially if the daughters are not aware that there father is dating. STAY CLEAR!!
pluto94618_yahoo_com
14 years ago
Don't do it, It says a lot about a man that doesn't have the backbone to be honest with his daughters or honest to you! Especially if he's letting his daughters control his personal affairs.
Robin Willis
10 years ago
No you are not being unreasobable. My situation is similar to yours, It's very involved I would love to ralk with you. My email address is willisrobin003@gmail.com
tfitz1006
10 years ago
I think that there is a lot of drama and angst here with the guy and his daughter. Not good for you. I would say goodbye. If he gets things sorted, maybe in a year, who knows, but he is probably motivated by guilt and the girl will be calling all the shots. You only have to read all the stories here to know that this is not good, he will not be able to stand up to her. You will be second.
colleenoz
10 years ago
The original post is from 2006, folks.
Kim Aves
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Yes, and for some it may still be applicable in 2015, unfortunately. However, I was just going to add, for those who are still looking for info., Google the term "mini wife" and see what pops up. And, just my opinion, but never get involved with a man with children who is just seperated. It is hard enough sometimes dealing with stepchildren when you are actually married to their father. First of all, if the dad is just seperated, how do you know he won't get back together with his wife? You don't. And, secondly, his kids will see you as the other woman, which you kind'a are. Even if he does get divorced and marries you eventually, you will be seen as the woman who broke up mom and dad's marriage for your entire life, because the kids will tell themselves that mom and dad would have gotten back together if it wasn't for you.

Need Help with BF Teenage Daughter

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brass_tacks

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