Need Help with BF Teenage Daughter

17 years ago

I have been dating a wonderful man for one year. He is 49 with an 18 year old daughter. I am 43 with no children. When we met he was very newly separated and his daughter was living with him almost exclusively. At the time she did not have a very good relationship with her mother. Due to the newness of the separation and issues his daughter has with dealing with stress etc we dated "in secret" for the first 6 months of our relationship. His daughter had no idea he was dating, she was told he was meeting friends or doing some other activity. As a result we got to see each other mostly on weekends when she was busy with friends or school activities but it was unpredictable and often disappointing when plans were broken. I was OK with this since we were just getting to know each other and I was sure that as time went by, and if our relationship progressed, we would deal with it. At the 6 month mark, during a casual conversation with her about dating in general, he finally confessed to her that he was dating a woman (me). Well she was furious and went ballistic and during the BFs planned weekend away a few days later she moved all her belongings from his house to her mothers. When he came home and found her gone he was devastated. They are very closer, much closer than mother/daughter, and he was very concerned. Within 2 weeks, after coaching from her therapist (she's been seeing one twice a week since 8th grade) she resumed her relationship with her father but it was tenuous at best for quite awhile. Needless to say any mention of me was strictly off bounds. She had no desire to acknowledge my existence and she didn't. So now, 6 months later things are not much better. I still have not met her. She claims she isn't "ready" for it. The BF comes to my house so we can see each other. I have been to his house exactly twice in one year. The first 5 or 6 months into our relationship when I insisted on seeing where he lived as it says a lot about a person. He "snuck" me in when he was sure she wouldn't surprise us. The second came awhile after when she was at school and he was in bed so sick he could not say no to my offer to come over for a few minutes to feed and medicate him. At this point, I am getting nervous about investing more time in a relationship where I haven't met a daughter who lives with him, who is #1 in his life, who is a huge part of his life. He has basically told me he doesn't think there is a chance I will meet her before she goes to college in September. I am not in any way jealous of her, nor do I resent the time he spends with her. I respect him for being a loving and involved parent. I know you can't force things and there are no rules about when you should or shouldn't meet the kids but I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar situation. What do you think is reasonable in this situation? Am I being unreasonable?

Comments (10)

brass_tacks
17 years ago
mykoko,
You are describing a man and his daughter that are not ready for what you would like to see happen.

This man hasn't had enough time to adjust to his new life and all that goes with it. He may think that his daughter is all that is keeping you and him apart. He may be sincere about that, but given more time to adjust, he may feel not the same about you. There is no guaranty that after he has adjusted that he might realize that you are not what he wants after all. Perhaps you would like to scarf him up before he makes that kind of decision--not a good choice on your part! You are taking a big chance with a man that is not ready for the kind of committment you would like. At your age, it's not a good idea to be making big mistakes.

You do not have to have experienced what you are experiencing to know that recently divorced people (and widowed) are not ready to move on the first year. You may be somewhat innocent in your thinking. At 49, you cannot afford to be unwordly in your thinking. You also need to know what this man sees in you. I do not mean that to be an insensitive remark. Just think about it.

I say, back-off. Get yourself busy with other people and activities.
lazy_gardens
17 years ago
Neither of them is ready for a relationship.

Give him your phone number and tell him not to call you until he's ready to introduce you to his daughter. And don't wait by the phone.
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tvtalk06
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organic_maria
17 years ago
My personal opinion even my husbands after reading this, is this guy should have waited to get a full divorce before heading into another relationship. Another thing, he should not be "sneaking you in" in any way. His daughter is 18 and waaaaaay old enough take the news as an adult. This man is old enough to stand his ground and should take a stand with his daughter. But i'll be honest with you. Both his daughter and him are not ready.
Most important is that this man is not ready. He must change the fact that he is afraid of his daughter. And take a stand. I think you should step back a bit. But if you continue to see him , speak about ground rules. You dont have to meet his daughter. You are both old enough and your life is not dictated by his girl. She is old enough and from her reaction she can take care of herself. She needs to respect her father and his decisions. She will come around. BUt dont' bother at this point meeting her. That's not important. Your relationship with him comes first. Not her. She is not a child of 8 to be concerned about. And to be honest again, an 18 year old reacting like that sounds like she has BIG issues. And i'm sure there is more to this.
In the end. Its too early for this man to make a commitment to you. He must get his head straight. His daughter has unresolved issues. You dont want to get involved at this point. My husband waited 2 1/2 years to be with someone...and with good reason.
teemo94618_yahoo_com
12 years ago
I have been involved in a very similar predicament. I've been dating a wonderful man for over a year and a half, he has been separated and in the process of divorcing. I have yet to meet his two teen aged daughters. We have had many conflicts over the fact that I am still a secret. I have broken it off several times with him but yet we keep finding our way back together. It's my fault for taking him back, but it's difficult to shut my feeling off. It is too difficult not knowing a single thing about his other/very important life, plus he has to hide me, we can't be seen in public, I can't leave any of my belongings at his house in the fear that one of his daughters were to find it, etc... He keeps promising me that he's going to break the news, but he always comes up with excuses of why he can't. I know he feels guilty about breaking up with his wife and leaving the relationship, but he's a great father, and he is totally in both of the daughters lives.
Now he has told me that his 16 year old has told him that there is no way that he can date! After over a year and a half, I've finally called it quits.
My advice to anyone in this situation, Do not date men who have teen aged daughters, especially if the daughters are not aware that there father is dating. STAY CLEAR!!
pluto94618_yahoo_com
12 years ago
Don't do it, It says a lot about a man that doesn't have the backbone to be honest with his daughters or honest to you! Especially if he's letting his daughters control his personal affairs.
Robin Willis
8 years ago
No you are not being unreasobable. My situation is similar to yours, It's very involved I would love to ralk with you. My email address is willisrobin003@gmail.com
tfitz1006
8 years ago
I think that there is a lot of drama and angst here with the guy and his daughter. Not good for you. I would say goodbye. If he gets things sorted, maybe in a year, who knows, but he is probably motivated by guilt and the girl will be calling all the shots. You only have to read all the stories here to know that this is not good, he will not be able to stand up to her. You will be second.
colleenoz
8 years ago
The original post is from 2006, folks.
Kim Aves
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
Yes, and for some it may still be applicable in 2015, unfortunately. However, I was just going to add, for those who are still looking for info., Google the term "mini wife" and see what pops up. And, just my opinion, but never get involved with a man with children who is just seperated. It is hard enough sometimes dealing with stepchildren when you are actually married to their father. First of all, if the dad is just seperated, how do you know he won't get back together with his wife? You don't. And, secondly, his kids will see you as the other woman, which you kind'a are. Even if he does get divorced and marries you eventually, you will be seen as the woman who broke up mom and dad's marriage for your entire life, because the kids will tell themselves that mom and dad would have gotten back together if it wasn't for you.

Need Help with BF Teenage Daughter

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brass_tacks

lazy_gardens

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