No--I doubt you actually see how big a deal it is. A 22 year old who is resorting to emotional blackmail now, will only get worse and worse, more demanding over the years. My SIL was the same way with her parents--anything she wanted, she threatened to keep them away from their grandkids. They caved every time. I have no idea how many thousands and thousands of $$$ they lent (read 'gave' because the money was never paid back) her over the years. Cars, appliances, dr's bills, overdue household bills--they paid them all--and mind you, SIL's husband made a 3 figure salary and they lived in a small house in the cheapest area of town (WHERE was SIL's money going one might ask). Eventually, when she stressed her dad into an early grave, and got control of her mother's finances, she stole over a quarter of a million $$$ from the money left for MIL's end care--she had alzheimers at that point. We ended up spending over $20,000 of our own money for legal fees, forensic accountant's fees to get the courts to appoint a guardian to take over MIL's finances. Look, your daughter has all the earmarks my SIL was showing at that age. PLEASE stick to your guns. I'd recommend that it wouldn't hurt to sit down with a lawyer in the next week or two. Most reputable ones will offer a free initial consultation. I'm NOT suggesting you start legal action against your daughter, but you DO need to know what your rights are in this situation, what you'll have to do to get her out if she refuses to go, how long it will take, what are the legal rights of grandparents in your state, etc. Information is ALWAYS the best way to go. Arm yourself with it now, so you know what you have to do, and if you may need a lawyer down the road. Trust me on this--it's far better to ask question and get the answers BEFORE you need them, than to let a situation progress until it's in the critical stage--that can cost a LOT in both money and emotional stress. I wish you the best--sounds as if you've got a tough road ahead. Oh, and while you're about it, start keeping a journal about what your daughter is doing/not doing around the house and as a mother. Documentation may save you down the road.

I am going through this grief right now and it is possibly the most painful heartache imaginable. My adult daughter has alienated herself from me over a difference of opinion on the subject of abortion. I was at one time very much into the prolife movement. But because I've grown and learned, I've changed positions. I support pro choice. My daughter, who has suffered multiple miscarriages, read a comment I made on a discussion about the subject and was offended. She refuses to speak to me. I am beyond heartbroken. I feel as if my daughter wants to control my thoughts. She posts things on social media that lead me to think they are deliberate attempts to twist the knife. So hurtful they are, and she never considers that worse than losing a pregnancy to miscarriage is the pain of having your own child reject you. I have also lost a pregnancy to miscarriage, so I know what that's like. I've also lost my husband, her dad, and that was at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. But this! This child of mine has cost me a lot in terms of sacrifice. At a time when I could least afford it, because I was home from my job for medical reasons, my daughter needed help paying her rent. I committed to help her. She got engaged to a man and mom paid for the wedding. A few years went by and the marriage ended. She needed help again to pay her bills. By then, I was old enough to take early retirement. It was all I had to give. So I did. It cost me half of what I'd otherwise have been entitled to. And that's for the rest of my life. My daughter takes little responsibility for her own affairs. And yes, mom's fault for bailing her out over and over. Her sister got saddled with her cell phone bill. Her dog damages property because he's not properly housetrained, and that has cost her sister a lot of money. My daughter owns 3 cars, two of them are high dollar cars. Her payments for those, she doesn't skip. But it's okay to let everyone else pay for her bills. And she says I lie when I say I love her,

I find it interesting that no one has commented on the fact the BM left him as soon as her daughter went to college after 10 years of him supporting the two of them. BD provided child support but it never was enough to really support BM or the daughter and their "way of life." The fact that my friend footed the school bills, mortgages, food, orthodontics and everything else did not even register here iamom, All of that registered with me just fine. It just didn't have anything to do with the question you asked. Do I think BM probably used him to support her and her daughter? Can't say for sure on the limited information provided, but I'm pretty certain that's what my husband's X used her last husband for! He did an awful lot for my SDs and that both BM and my SDs ignored him completely after that? Yes I thought that was HIDEOUS! And one day when I was arguing, yet again, with my oldest SD about why there was NO legitimate reason for BM to be anywhere near my husband and I, I finally got a little pissed and asked her why it was I hadn't seen her last stepdad around since the divorce, and asked point blank whether or not she even was talking to him. Her response was, "NO, because he hasn't gotten over my mom divorcing him!" In other words, even though stepdad had been a part of their lives for almost 10 years, the reason they were basically "shunning" him was because SDs felt he was trying to use them to reconcile with BM. (And they had lots of experience with that as BM's been using them for years to try to get MY husband to reconcile with her!) A couple years later, SD had another baby and their tiny townhouse wasn't big enough and while they were waiting for their new house to be built, came to live with us for about 6 month--SIL had kicked BM out when they sold the townhouse and told us he would NEVER allow her to live in their new house. Oh, but right after they put their townhouse on the market, apparently BM and former stepdad had gotten back together, moving into his new teeny little apartment which was VERY "out of character" for her to condenscend that low. 6 months later, their new house was finished and SD had to attend the closing by herself because SIL was out of town working with my husband. Well, immediately after the closing, guess who moved right back in with her daughter? Yeap, as soon as SD's new house was built, BM once again DUMPED Stepdad and moved into SD and SIL's brand new house! And before SIL even got so much as to SEE his new house, BM repainted the entire interior! If the brown bathrooms weren't hideous enough, those green stripes she painted on the living room walls sure were! Was that enough for stepdad to learn his lesson? OH HELL NO! A few months later SIL once again had enough and kicked her out again, and Stepdad once again took BM back, who stayed with him once again just long enough to find a "better deal". OK?

Yeah, of course in cases like this, the problems are multi-faceted. From what we've learned so far, it seems the pain you are experiencing comes not only from being unable to enjoy a relationship with these family members, but more so from not having the power to do anything about it. That's the dynamic which would have to change. It could take years and a lot of patience, but if that is in fact the case, worrying about it will only make your life, and the lives of those around you, worse. In fact, you may never be able to fully resolve this issue. As for your son... he is a grown adult, and it sounds like he and his new wife need to be responsible for their own choices and actions. In regards to your grandchildren from the first marriage, you might want to try writing your ex-daughter-in-law and, for the sake of your grandchildren, express an interest in maintaining a relationship. However, keep in mind that as their mother, she may not feel that is the proper course of action. But writing letters, and sending cards, will let them know you care. Since much of this involves people's choices outside of your ability to influence outcomes, sadly perhaps, being concerned about resolving your own choices and feelings might be the best for which you can hope. Hang in there. First, try to get your own feelings under control and you'll be able to make clear decisions that the others involved can respect. That is from where your power to influence the others will emanate.