ceph, does he get an allowance, or have other money of his own to spend? I know people have different opinions on the concept of allowance, but I think being in charge of at least some of your own spending is a good way to start to teach the concept of money and prioritizing "wants" -- hey A___ guess what, you have this much money to spend however you want ... you don't have to ask dad for permission, if you want a ball of twine you can buy a ball of twine, cool, huh? but oops now two days later or whatever you can't buy (thing he really would get enjoyment out of) because you decided to buy twine and don't have any money left. oh well, guess you'll just have to wait until you can save up enough allowance for (important thing).

I know it works better with some kids than others... and less well if there's plenty of money and kid knows it...

For what we've tried...
Setting limits BEFORE we go somewhere - "You can have only one treat food item at the hockey game"
- He has his one thing and then asks for more.

Setting price limits - "You can pick one thing that costs up to $5"
- He tries to wrangle two or three things that cost $5 total (and since the point is to not be materialistic, that doesn't really jive)

FDH's "buy nothing stand" - Every "buy me" or "give me" request was met with a "no" for over two weeks.
- At each "no" he asked for something else, or tried to make deals

Putting it off - "Not now, but we can go to the store tomorrow if you still want"
- Asking for MORE stuff "OK, if I have to wait until tomorrow, I want an extra page of stickers"

Out of the blue surprises - Not giving things when he asks, but sometimes having a toy or book or something hidden away to surprise him with.
- Once he said "Good, it's book three in the series. When will you buy me book four?"

None of our plans are helping... Where can we improve?

Oh, and I should mention that BM is quite the "schemer" to quote FDH. She's always talking about "working the system" and "getting what she can" and so on, so that's what we're up against.

Just to repeat, it's not that he should never have treats or toys or gifts, but this is getting out of hand.

Yeah, he gets a (generous) allowance from Papa and SGM.
GM also pays him to do chores.
He got over $200 for his birthday in March (which should probably last a 9yo an entire year for spending money! but he spent it most of it on skate shoes that he trashed a few weeks ago and now wants his mom to buy him new ones).

We do tell him "If you want to spend your own money on it" and he says "Oh, I forgot my wallet, I'll pay it back" and cries when it's enforced (OK, to be fair to him, that one only happened once)
Or he blows his money right away and has no more
Or he says "but I don't want to spend my money. It's mine!"

So let's tie that question in there too... How do we get him to value money more and make better decisions with it? (Keep in mind his ADHD troubles with instant gratification)

I think it is normal for kids to be materialistic at times.

Just the other day I took my kids to a museum. And they all asked if DH and I would buy them stuff from the gift shop. We said no. They knew we would not change our minds.

My sd has a friend who is an only child and gets whatever she wants. We went to the movies and I told the kids I would buy them each a pop (I brought candy in my purse). Friend asks for an icee, which is $2 more. I said no because I can not afford to do that for everyone. Then she looks at sd and says "if my mom was here I would be able to get it". I had to bite my tongue! Wanted to say "well don't come with us again--go with your mom!"

I don't think that the problem is when kids ask you to buy things for them. I think the problem is when they don't accept no for an answer or complain about it!

When I initially read your post, I immediately wondered if there was someone working behind the scenes and I just got my answer.

My DH's son was the exact same way. Every sentence began with "I want...." It is annoying but the kid eventually moved to his BM's (one of the people behind the scenes in DH's case). DH couldn't afford to keep buying the kid the ever increasing material possesions that he wanted like a brand new dirtbike, Wii and an XBox 360, plasma TV, etc. The kid couldn't even go get gas with DH without coming home with *at least* a pack of gum. When DH refused to buy him a $2000 laptop, the grandparents bought him one and when the thing didn't work, the grandparents expected me to spend $150 to get it fixed. I finally said no, so they completely disabled the Microsoft Office Suite from his laptop. They didn't get what they wanted and retaliated, acting like little babies so it's no wonder the kid acts the way he does. Anyhow.....

I felt the same as you that rewards/treats were ok as long they were earned but more often than not, nothing was being earned. I tried implementing the chore/reward system but it went over like a lead balloon.

How are you and DH reacting to his demands? Is DH blowing up every time the kid says, "I want..." Maybe he's doing it to get a rise out of you and DH?

not in a million years would I or anyone in the family would give a 9-year-old $200. I cannot believe it, We are not poor by no means but 200 to a young child? What for?

That's where the problem comes from. he asks because he gets it. if he would not get it, he would stop asking. Stop giving and he will stop asking.

By that i don't mean deprive him from necessity or no allowances or stop buying him things, but just exercise common sense. I don't think you should be having elaborate rules and plans. I don't mean it in a bad sense but I noticed that you and FDH always make very elaborate plans. If he does XYZ he gets ABC, if he does not do ABC he does not LMN, and so forth. He gets grounded and gets lectured etc I know you are trying but usually plans like this don't work (I myself cannot memorize that many rules, how can a young child? It is too much to navigate for a young child )

As a parent I usually did not make too many rules because I could not waste my energy on memorizing my own rules! I only had one rule: exercise common sense. First determine whats is common sense for you, then do it. If common sense tells you that buying that much stuff is wrong, then just stop buying.

"We cannot afford it, we have to pay bills". that's it. He will figure it out sooner or later and stop asking.

9-year-old might not even need allowances. He does not value money because he has too much of it.

I was going to say the same thing. Chances are he asks because he eventually gets it. Same goes for my GF's daughter. She relentlessly begs until Mom says yes.....every time. The child has no concept of the word NO.

Once (being pretty desperate) I offered to pay DD for certain chores just so she would finally do them! She said if she could choose, she'd rather not have any money. lol
I don't think that kids should be paid for doing chores though. I have a problem with this philosophy.

My SC were/are treated like triplets ... if one gets something the other 2 expect something ...

Hubby and I implemented a "you get what you need, not what you want policy" ... for everything ... they took over a year to get it but if one needed shoes only one got shoes if one needed a haircut one got a haircut

We stressed over and over you get what you "need" not what you "want"

You need shoes you want $80 shoes
You need electricity you want tv
you need food you want ice cream

Stop the rewards give coupons ... for stuff ... puter time tv time .. day at the park... make them up as you need them for things that apply for him... coupons with cash amounts if you want to give him cash...

Mom2... your story reminds me of my niece ... I took her and SD out for lunch .. place getting crowded basically asking them what do you want ... SD gets 2 hotdogs and cheesefries .. I say ok we can all share the fries .. Niece staring at the menu .... girl behind the counter just looking at me ... so I order ... cheeseburger no bun ketchup on the side... its what she had at my house for dinner 3 days earlier... Niece turns to me and says "Don't you ever order for me again", "I wanted my own fries", "how come she gets 2 things to eat and I only got one"..... I looked at her and said ... 2 hotdogs costs the same as 1 burger, its a large order of fries if we eat them all and want more I'll get more, and don't worry I will never order for you again ... I won't invite you out to lunch again.

"How do we get him to value money more and make better decisions with it?"

He is too young to make decisions in regards to money, let alone value it, that's why he should not have any (well of course, if he goes on a trip wiht his class, he needs money for lunch and maybe small souvenir, and he might have like few bucks to buy ice cream here or there, but nothing more substantial).

He has no concept of money to be given such generous amounts of it. That's why parents are the ones to make decisions re money and spendings.

"Keep in mind his ADHD troubles with instant gratification."

I think this (and the fact that he is nine) is 99.9% of the explanation. ADHD is often associated with executive function disorder and the attendant problems with delayed gratification. I have a child with executive function disorder who still struggles with this, though no one could possibly say that he was ever given too much money or stuff, and it is his own hard-earned money that he is spending now. He never had a long list of things he wanted, but if there were something he wanted and he had to wait for it when he was younger, he'd talk about it constantly. From listening to him as a child, you would think he was materialistic, but that was not actually the case.

Thanks everybody!
So, pretty much we just have to grin and bear it, while sticking to the "no, you don't need that" and hope it gets better.

Oh, thinking more about this last night before I fell asleep - we may be having a little success. I was thinking about how he used to be at the grocery store: He used to ask for everything, including things knows he doesn't like, and then get MAD MAD MAD when he didn't get it (apparently, not having chutney bought for you when you won't eat Indian food is worth sobbing and hiding behind the eggs)...
But now he still asks for lots of things, but they're mostly things he actually likes, and he doesn't get mad when he gets told no.

FD - I totally agree that a 9yo doesn't need $200 for his birthday. GM gave him ~$60, so did Papa and SGM, and then some of his friends gave him cash instead of toys/books/games/etc. IMO, that money should have been collected by an adult and at least half been put into savings, with the remaining portion to spend under adult supervision.
And just to clarify, our plans for this aren't ever explained to A__, they're just things we've tried that don't really seem to be working... But I see your point that we may be overthinking this.

IIKD - "The kid couldn't even go get gas with DH without coming home with *at least* a pack of gum" This sounds all too familiar! He's just not allowed out of the car at the gas station anymore because taking him into the store starts the barrage of "Can I have..."

Mom2 - ""if my mom was here I would be able to get it"" I hear ya! I sometimes play the "I don't have enough money for that" (whether it is true or not) and he says "Why don't you get my dad to pay you back?"

Psuedo - "I won't invite you out to lunch again." I got fed up awhile back when we were out doing something extra cool together (a children's play) and the "I want" parade began. I calmly said "Look, A__, I don't have to take you places and do cool stuff with you, I do it because I want to. We go to plays and museums and so on because I like for us to have some extra fun together. But when you do that, it's not fun for me anymore and makes me not want to make special plans for us. So let's just enjoy the play. Kapeesh?"
Maybe there was some better way to react, I don't know... But that's what I did.

TOS - "I think this (and the fact that he is nine) is 99.9% of the explanation." Any suggestions on coping mechanisms to try to teach him? His decision-making and anger-management have come a loooooong way in the past 6 months, but I don't know what do to about this one.

When I get the "I wants..." from my kids, I generally just deflect, deflect, deflect. If it's a sizable item, I generally say something along the lines of "I'll make a note of that -- you've got a birthday coming up." (in eight months) or "Is that what you want for Christmas?" That usually helps them realize pretty quickly that whatever it is really isn't something they want all that much.

Now that they're a little older, I'll deflect it with a "You've got enough money for that, right?" comment, when lets them know they can have it if they're willing to part with their own money. Again, they almost always realize they don't want it so much. "You don't need that." or a very simple "We just don't do that" also works.

For earlier years, when they'd ask more than once (that almost never happens now), the most effective line for me was a curious look followed by "Will I change my mind if you ask me again?" You'd be amazed how effective that little line was on stopping the whines!

A lot of it just gets better with maturity - unfortunately, the brains of men/boys are often not fully mature till around the age of 30! And even then, how many guys "have" to have a plasma TV? You can explain until you are blue in the face how annoying it is to hear about the next version of WOW for months before it comes out, and that may result in the child not talking about it as much, but he will still spend a lot of time thinking about how much he can't wait till he gets it, which makes the wait seem even longer. (In the same way that thinking, "I can't wait till five o'clock" over and over turns an ordinary work day into about 16 hours). I've heard good things about cognitive therapy - I suppose it might work to improve the ability to delay gratification.

When he grows up, it might be a good idea for him to have two checking accounts - and have as much of his paycheck as is needed to cover all his fixed expenses go into one account (preferably one for which he does not have an ATM card), and have all his bills automatically debited.

People with executive function disorder need something or someone to "be" their frontal lobe.

"He is too young to make decisions in regards to money, let alone value it, that's why he should not have any"

I don't agree wth this at all. Children need to start learning about how to save money and be wise with what you spend it on at the youngest age possible. In my DS's school this year, they started teaching them how to reconcile an account. They got to earn "third-grade bucks" for different projects and behaviors. Then they were told how much upcoming activities cost. DS spent 30 third-grade bucks on my Mother's Day card. He was so proud and I was so excited because he knew exactly how much he needed to save for other things and how much he had extra to spend.

My FSD.....lazy AND materialistic. Here's a story BM told us: She tried to buy a song on iTunes. She thought she was having a problem with it downloading, so, instead of asking someone, she continues to buy the song. Like 4 more times. So now she's spent $5 on a $1 song. Here's the kicker....she had the song on CD in the car. She just didn't want to go get it. All I told my BF was "You better be glad sh'e not my kid or else I would've made her pay me back AND probably made her do chores just because she was so irresponsible".