Ima - It was you, wasn't it, who posted about BioMom's not even showing up in court, right? Then it sounds to me like she's going to have one heck of a time trying to win back custody any time soon. It'll take more than a bad report card - for which there could be any number of reasons - to show you're 'bad parents'.

That said, getting her tutoring over the summer doesn't sound like a bad idea. In fact, I'd support it wholeheartedly, write BioMom an email to that effect, and ask her to let you know where SD is going for tutoring, what curriculum she's learning, and what homework she should do at your house to keep her momentum going. You could even offer to split half the cost, paid directly to the tutor, of course. BioMom will probably ignore the e-mail. Follow up once, then do what you think is best and e-mail her that since you hadn't heard from her, you're doing X, Y and Z. (How will that look in court?)

As to BioMom's marriage plans, IMO, you do have a right to be informed of any concrete marriage plans, but I don't think you really have the right to ask for many details before an engagement is announced. It's reasonable to ask, I think, when you hear they will be living together, and ask to be kept informed if they do decide to marry, but beyond that, I think you're at DH's mercy in that regard.

Thanks Sweeby...

When BM told us she was moving, she said they were getting married. Then she called DH at work in November and asked him what size SD wore at our wedding (a year earlier) because they were getting married in December and she needed to get her a dress. Then, December came and went and they told her BF's ex that they were getting married in Spring. It's now summer and nothing. We don't want detail or an invitation, we just think it's wrong to tell the kids (all five of them) that it's going to happen and then it doesn't.

I like the idea of offering to pay half of tutoring costs. She won't do it because she won't pay. Her mom says that they want to know so her older sister can help her study.

Another thing I haven't mentioned lately is SD's weight. In the last couple of months, DH has weighed her before and after each weekend with BM. She has consistently weighed 92 lbs. before each visit, 95 lbs. two days later. By the time she went back, she was 92 again. This weekend, she was 98 lbs. We're not overly concerned yet because she still fits in her regular clothes (snugly) but that is a 6 lb. weight gain in two weeks. She has another 7 weeks of summer at BM's.

I'm only going to respond to the part regarding whether or not you and your husband have a right to know if his EX gets remarried. I am probably going to get a lot of flack for this, and I understand why you would want to know, but it just isn't any of your business.

If the EX's BF was mistreating and abusing SD either physically, emotionally, or exposing her to drugs or something dangerous, I would think that you two would already know about it and your DH would've gone to court to protect the child. It was wrong for the EX to want to know about your wedding plans with DH, and completely out of line for her to even think she should attend your wedding. I don't care if she wanted to see her daughter in the bridal party (she was probably more motivated to cut you down on your big day). They are divorced and it's crossing boundaries. They are not family members anymore. Yes, they are connected forever by their child, but you and DH's business is just that - YOURS. Her business is hers.

In our house, the SD's are both adults, but the youngest one tells us her mom's business (finances, fights with BF, getting fired from jobs) and I don't think her mom would appreciate it if she knew. I know that she also tells our business to BM and I don't like it. This often times elicits an unwanted commentary about our business from the EX and it's wrong. Equally wrong, my BF makes comments abouts his EX to SD. I finally told SD that she not to tell me about her mom's business because it is just not right. That' my opinion, sorry I disagree.

Hi IMA, First, I think I ve mentioned this before, but can you check and see if your SDs school has Edline (or another program) where report cards are available online..Boy this saved so much confrontation for DH where he was begging to get a copy of report card and Ex was playing games not to give it to him....Second, Neither I or my DH told Exs of our marriage plans..Agree with Gerina, none of their business..We didnt need the approval, what changes if BM is living with a guy, or actually married to him? Its up to her to tell her kids, its her news...I must say tho, the SSs broke the news to her and she went on the warpath, sigh, trumped up contempt of courts, got really busy in revenge mode,I guess her way of showing her displeasure... I like your DHs frame of mind, none of his business, shows he s not emotionally invested in her, and isnt that good for you?

I wasnt clear Ima, I mean for BM to go online to get Sds grades as not to harrass you for them..She could check everyday to see how SD is doing, if she so desires....

1.it is a lot of weight. Is she 9? Is she very tall? It is almost 100 lb, that's how I used to weight in my 20s, not at 9. I am short though, so maybe SD is tall? my DD was never skinny or tiny (very skinny now though) but she certainly was not almost 100lb at 9???

2. BM wants to portray you as bad parents so she either gets custody or avoid to pay CS or somehting, she is on to soemhting, no question.

3. I think both parents have to know if the other adults moves in in the house with minor kids. If i would move in a man when DD was minor, I would have to tell X and vice versa. As about marriage I don't think it is anyone else's business. It is OK to ask but they don't have to answer. Also BM might dream of marriage and hope BF asks but he has no clue and no plans. Thats' why she keeps telling you all kind of stories. She makes it all up because HE NEVER ASKED HER TO MARRY. Otherwise everyone would know.

4. BTW DD used to gain weight every summer ad dads and then lose it. X's family eat healthy, they don't eat junk, they cook, they also are very athletic and dragged DD everywhere as well, it is just that the amount of food might be larger or more times a day than I eat at my house. It also might be just different combination of ingerdienst, not more or less, just different. So unless they obviously overfeed her I would not worry.

I agree, it's none of his/our business about her getting married... however, she is the one that has pulled us aside and told us that she was marrying him last August and she is the one that called DH in November. She has discussed her plans, including the wedding theme (butterflies) with SD so that every time SD sees butterfly things, she starts talking about her mom's wedding.

The more I think about it, maybe she is hoping we react to it but we haven't. DH could care less and yes, that is great for me. I've never had a doubt that he could care less what she does or that anything she does could make him remotely jealous. My concern has more to do with SD's other problems (everything she's gone through adjusting to her mom leaving) and her counselor is now leaving the state so she is losing her counselor too. I have some worry that SD will act out again when she realizes mom is lying about getting married. I agree that he probably hasn't asked her but then he also told his ex that they were getting married in Spring. I guess the biggest issue is how it affects the kids (on both sides) for them to be telling them and then it doesn't happen. I know that it is ultimately going to be on them to explain to the kids but usually, it comes back to BM blaming everyone else. SD was told it's DH's fault that her mom lost her job. BM finds a way to make it someone else's fault and we end up having to deal with the fallout or feel like we have to defend her accusations. Since SD's counselor is leaving, I was hoping she won't have to find a new one. She's with BM for summer anyway so she won't be here to see a counselor until school starts. If she doesn't have any meltdowns or acting out, we are probably not going to take her back to counseling.

The weight thing, for her height, SD should weigh 85-90 lbs. She weighed 85 lbs when she was 5 and I considered her obese or very overweight. She's gotten taller and thinned out so she has been about average for her height.. she looks very healthy. But, with the added weight, it is all in her belly and her pants button pops off. She has broken two new pants (one zipper, one button) in the last few months. I think it's the amount of food she eats (we were having burritos and we give her one, she says she can eat three at her moms) and the type of foods (she says she eats donuts with Mountain Dew for breakfast and usually just fast food. Her mom doesn't cook) She eats a lot there and when she is here, she acts like she's always starving, even if we feed her more than a normal portion size. We'll give her more good snacks like fruit but she wants junk and sweets. I've given up with worrying about what her mom is doing. I told SD that if she overeats and gains a lot of weight, SHE is the one that has to deal with being teased at school (something she cries to us about) and that we have no control over what she eats at her moms so she has to take responsibility, even if her mom lets her eat anything. DH has mentioned it to BM a few times in the past, he always gets denials. SD is getting old enough to make choices about what and how much to eat and I told her that if she is going to eat everything she wants (because she brags to me that her mom lets her have this or have that and I don't) then I don't want to hear her crying later about kids teasing her.

"In the last couple of months, DH has weighed her before and after each weekend with BM."

By doing this, he might as well be saying, "Your mom feeds you too much." I don't think there is any good reason to weigh a normal nine year old more than a couple of times a year. Do you weigh yourself that often? For that matter, why can't she weigh herself if she wants to?

She knows her mom feeds her too much. She tells us that she gets to eat anything she wants and as much as she wants at her mom's. Maybe she's just saying it so we'll let her have carte blanche at our house but when she started breaking zippers, we started weighing her. She has a chart and he weighs her every night after her shower because he doesn't want her to think he's only weighing her when she goes to her mom's. The chart shows that she loses about half a pound a day after she comes back from a visit and gains three pounds in two days at her mom's.

BTW, I weigh myself once or twice a week and also have kept a chart to watch my weight (and I have weighed myself daily before too). But, the best method to watching weight is in how clothes fit (or in how you feel overall), since fat doesn't weigh as much as muscle. I don't think it's normal to gain 6 pounds in two weeks when you are that small. An overweight person can fluctuate that much on a daily basis, but on a child, it's a lot. At least in my opinion.

My kids have always been able to eat as much as they want (as long as they share with their siblings) of pretty much whatever they want. I can understand restricting ice cream to once a day or having to share the brownies, but do people actually restrict how many helpings their kids can have?? I would never want my kids to obsess about their weight, especially to the extent of weighing themselves daily and charting their weight. Even when an adult is on a diet, they aren't supposed to weigh themselves that often.

I agree that weight checking of a young girl can lead to emotional issues and anorexia. Overall talking to girls too much about their weight can lead to self-esteem issues and eventually anorexia or other eating disorders. I think it is very important to maintain healthy weight but it is equally important not to overdo it. If I start weighing myself daily I will get depressed lol

To each her own. It doesn't matter to me, I'm not her mother. If your kids eat as much as they want and get fat, then come to you crying because kids at school tease them for being fat, then it's a personal decision on how to handle it. My husband would rather teach his daughter to eat healthy and exercise than to tell her to be fat and proud. I don't think weighing a child is going to traumatize them any more than being called names at school. Like I said, we don't make a big deal about it, she's weighed as part of her daily routine and nothing is said to her if she gains or loses. Some kids can be overweight/obese and it doesn't bother them. I don't know for sure if his daughter isn't bothered by 'being' fat or she just loves food, she just doesn't want anyone to say anything to her about it. I would think that if she loves food so much that she allows herself to overeat but deep down, she feels guilty and hates herself for not having any willpower, it would be much worse for her as she gets older. That, to me, is harming/destroying her self image.

theotherside, I'm very happy for your kids if they have the metabolism to eat whatever they want. They are very lucky. It's just my opinion, but adults shouldn't ever go on a diet. If you learn healthy eating habits and live a healthy lifestyle, then it shouldn't be a problem. Dieting is not good for you and if children are taught in childhood about good food choices, portion control and balance, then they will not need to 'diet' as an adult. But, like I said, that's just my opinion.

and if anyone is an expert on eating disorders, would simply weighing a child and discussing healthy choices cause an eating disorder? I've always thought that eating disorders are caused by poor self image or low self esteem issues. My Aunt had a foster daughter that was anorexic. It was her way of punishing herself because she felt worthless or undeserving. I haven't studied eating disorders much, so I'm not going to claim to know much. I can google it and probably find websites that would support more than one theory but I'd rather hear from someone that actually works with or has studied people with eating disorders.

I think I have read somewhere that weighing every day is anxiety producing and stressful especially for a girl, so you should weigh them but not that often. I think i heard it one of those documentaries about anorexia.DD was never fat but she was convinced that she needs to be skinnier, she nagged about it when she was 16-17, I tried to research about anorexia, i was scared she would become on. I was making sure she did not think she needs to lose weight.

I think you need to weigh but maybe not daily?

I was underweigh as a child and I remember that camps I went to had this routine of physicals with weighing and I was always beyond stressed due to my low weight. i was scared and always thought there is something wrong with me. the way girls are stressed over their weight I was always emebrassed and stressed over being too skinny. i was told i look like a bicycle. or a stick figure.lol

I am not underweight at all now lol In fact I'd need to lose 20lb, but I avoid weighing myself, i judge by how clothes fits.

Not an expert by any means, but I have been thru two bouts of anorexia..I was a fat kid, and I despised being like that, had 5 thin sisters...Mother didnt allow me to borrow their clothes, too fat,was told I would rip them..Low self esteem, no doubt..First bout at 21, starved myself, an apple a day would make me feel I ate too much..Stopped my periods, would faint if I rose too quicly..Went to Dr about missed periods, at the time, I think back, anorexia not prevelant, they did not diagnose it...Second bout, much later, time of divorce and leaving my husband..More total starvation, dramatic loss of weight, people questioning was I ill..I saw on TV woman in their 50 s are the new anorexics...Every thing I ve read on it, and what I feel is true is starving is a way to regain control of your life when it is spiraling out of control..Last Dr visit, was told do not loose any more weight, still struggle with this..Do weigh myself every day(sometimes several times a day)Obcess over my figure, am secretly delighted when someone thinks I m too thin..But when I look in the mirror, I see fat..In my head, I know its not rational, but part of the disease is you cant recognize that yourself...I m sure the way I was treated as a child has everything to do with this.... Also, forgive the gloat, but I cant borrow any of the thin sisters clothes anymore..They re all in circus tents in their advanced ages....

I think we've gotten off topic here and need to get back to her original problem.

IMO it is not necessary for you and DH (or BM for that matter) to know any more details about a wedding other than it is going to happen or it has already happened. So, to answer your question: Yes, a BP has the right to know that a marriage is going to take place and Yes you should be informed that it will happen, but the "when" part should not matter to you unless the marrying person wants to do it on the other parent's time.

BTW, my FSD is and has always been overweight. I saw her in a bikini yesterday for the first time and I was truly worried. No one tries to make her eat healthier. All she ever eats is potatoes and bread and pasta. It's really bad, but her BM doesn't see a problem.

Weighing every day to see a pattern in water-weight gain is not bad. But, as I learned in Weight Watchers, it takes approximately 1 week for food to be turned from just food into fat. So whatever she gains now is last week's calories she didn't burn. But every day fluctuations are usually doe to water-weight.

We're have a feeling that BM is going to marry the man she's been living off of for the last year now. The weird part is she won't tell my DH, he asked the boys in passing a few weeks back after they had visited their Mom (Her folks came to town and were having a dinner party with his folks ie. engagement party?) and the kids got weird about it like their supposed to keep it 'secret'. Frankly, neither of us really care and in fact, I kinda feel sorry for the guy but hey to each his own. Is it our business? To the extent that it impacts the children. Do we need details? Not really. Is it proper to at least inform the other party? I would say so. Its funny now different it is now that its her getting remarried though; since I know DH and I won't try to make it a living H3ll like she tried to do to our wedding/honeymoon!

On weight - I do portion control with the boys on sweets and sometimes on meals. My oldest SS had serious issues with 'eat till I'm sick'. Kids seem to snarf down food so quickly their stomach hasn't processed that its full so they just want more more more. So what I do is give them 1 serving, if they want more they have to wait till everyone is done with their 1 serving then seconds will go out. Keeps them from overeating and getting stomach aches. Turns out most of the time by then they've digested and aren't hungry for seconds :)