plans to suit only her

19 years ago

I have posted on here before because my stepchildren's bio mom drives me CRAZY! Well for those of you who do not know from my other posts my husband and I have sole custody of their 3 kids. She has no visitation on paper.

Anyways, she lives out of state and wanted to take the kids this summer. My hubby and his ex's parents have corresponded through e-mail about this visit, because his ex and kids will be staying with the grandparents. We had vacations planned this summer and my husband and I had already booked these vacations before she brought up taking the kids. So, we e-mailed the grandparents and gave them dates that the kids could go there. We gave them a 3 week period that the kids could visit. My husband also included which days we would like them to leave here and come home, so the dates correspond with our work schedules and getting them to and from the airport.

Well we thought everything would work out. Then their biomoms new man decides he is in charge of talking to my hubby about plans and tries changing dates. My hubby told him that the dates we gave are what will work. The boyfriend said that if the kids stayed a week longer the airfare would be cheaper, so my husband bent. We already had plans for a long weekend out of town with the kids during that time, but my hubby said we could change it! I bit my tongue. But my husband did tell him that the leaving date could not change because of prior plans and our work schedules.

So the grandparents send us the itinerary and we see that the kids are leaving a week earlier than we said, and on a day that we can not get them to the airport. They never cleared this with us! So he e-mailed the grandparents and they said that their daughter told them we okayed the dates and they already put out money for airfare and it is too expensive to change and CANT WE JUST WORK WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT!!! The nerve! We get no child support from their daughter, and she rarely calls the kids. And they tell us to work with them! So I checked the airline website and found out the boyfriend lied to us, the dates we gave were actually cheaper. The extra time there is costing more in airfare! So my hubby sent an e-mail back saying that they lied about airfare discounts for changing the dates, and they should have checked with us before changing the leaving date since he had already said that we could not be flexible on the leaving date. He told them to change the dates to exactly what we wanted in the first place, or they could cancel the trip altogether. That was almost 2 weeks ago and the grandparents have not responded. The tickets that they bought schedule the kids to leave in less than 2 weeks.

My question...should my hubby call and ask them if they are changing the tickets or canceling the trip. Or should he just wait till they try to confirm the trip at the last minute and remind them of his previous e-mails and tell them too bad? I have a feeling that they are ignoring the situation and thinking we will fold at the last minute.

My feelings are that they can not make plans without taking our schedules into consideration. And as much as it will be sad for the kids not to go, well they have not seen their mom in a long time anyways. So there is not much of a difference. And their mom needs to realize that we have the kids and take care of them on a daily basis so our schedules matter. She should never have lied to her parents and told them we okayed dates that we did not okay! Plus according to court papers we don't have to let the kids go anyways! What do you think?

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Comments (5)

laurels4u
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi! If it makes you feel any better, my husband would've bent or caved to the request of his ex in the same way your husband did. Why would your husband's ex think it was ok for the new beau to be making arrangements with your husband about the kids in the first place? Didn't your husband question the new BF or his ex about that? Has the guy ever even met your SKs?

Those grandparents sound exactly like my husband's parents - they do what they want, when they want, if they want. Then, if someone calls them on something they've done, they ignore the bad in the situation if they don't like it or if it doesn't suit their needs. Did you ever find out what the big deal was for them to leave a week earlier if it cost more? If the GPs haven't responded to the email, I'd take them to the airport on the original date they were supposed to leave. Or DH could tell the GPs *they* will be responsible for flying to your hometown to get the children for visitation. They were completely out of line for not checking with your husband first on dates before buying tickets.
sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'd send a follow up e-mail asking if they want the kids to fly out on the original date you wanted, or if they have decided to cancel the visit altogether. Leave their preferred one-week-early date off the table.

Some people just can't bear to be 'dictated' to, or will veto any suggestion you make just so they can impose one of their own. (My Ex is that way, so I've learned to present the facts in a way that makes my solution obvious, then ask him what he thinks we should do. Manipulative - but it's the only thing that works.)
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vistajpdf
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't know the relationship w/ the former inlaws, but it could be that their dd and her bf have mislead them and it isn't really fair that they suffer for her ignorance. However, it's completely inconsiderate of everyone to NOT listen to the few terms you set.

I think I would definitely call them and not let it ride until the time of departure. Maybe just say, "Will the kids be able to take the flight on the day I emailed you?" See where that leads, but have your DH be ready for what you fear....'no, our money is lost if they do..can't do anything about it...' Maybe see just how much it would cost to change the departure date. Sometimes it's a nominal fee. Not that you want to fork over any more money, but it might be worth it to just say, "we'll cover part of the fees to change the date..." Tell them you'll take it off the top of what she owes in arrears child support, lol.

I suppose it's important for the kids to have a relationship w/ their mom and g-parents. I don't know what I'd do to be honest. It's frustrating, but the kids don't have anything to do w/ the idiot adults that are manipulating the circumstances.

I think I'd have been taken aback by the bf getting on the phone w/ DH. I wonder how long he'll be in the picture and why he'd feel comfortable making decisions when he's apparently new on the scene.

Do you feel the g-parents are genuinely interested in the kids? Would the kids be devastated to not see mom? I know she's let them down so much in their young lives so I guess it's probably somewhat worth it to try to get them to see her, as much as the situation stinks. On the other hand, if the trip is filled w/ more disappointments from mom...

Dana
lafevem
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My DH's ex's new husband who we will call "Dick" is the same way. Dick always feels the need to talk in the background, accompany BM out to the car whenever BM needs to talk to my DH when the kids are picked up and dropped off, ask my DH what he needs when my DH calls and tries to discuss an issue about the kids with BM. Dick thinks he is the father for some reason. I never answer the phone when BM calls, I never run out to the car to hear what is being said, and I don't listen to their phone calls and commentate, so I don't know why Step parents feel the need to do this. As far as the trip, I would send a confirmation email with the dates you gave, and tell them if they do not respond, you will assume the trip is off. I would then send a certified letter stating the same thing, and if you didn't hear anymore from them, I would assume they weren't going and go about my business.
theotherside
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
That's exactly the kind of thing my ex-husband's current wife does. He can't have a phone conversation with me without her putting her 2 cents - make that 50 cents - in. She actually once went so far as to change his cell in an attempt to prevent anyone (read, me) from leaving a message. It is not that I call him frequently - I never call him at her house, and I call on his cell a few times a year.

plans to suit only her

Comments (5)

laurels4u

sweeby

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