Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one. You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died. The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way. Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this? I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own? At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place. I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage. There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious. I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids. Welcome to the forum!

I think a good compromise (and to make it less confusing) would be to come up with names such as "Nana" or "BonusGramps" (or whatever is decided) that are different enough from both "Grandma"/"Grandpa" and their full names so that it acknowledges that they are 'elders' with some 'extended' or 'blended' family ties without being uncomfortable for anybody. Even if it's a silly or unique nickname that the kids come up with. For example, I named all 4 of my *biological* grandparents when I was very young, and it stuck: "Mama Gin", "Papa Si", "Mom-Mom" and "Teet" (the last one was b/c this grandfather loved iced tea). Not knocking the old stand-bys "Grandma" and "Grandpa", but I really like the idea of personal unique nicknames for each. And it segues well into having unique names for SGP's. One good thing about your situation is that, unless the SGP's are real Buttinsky types, the kids having "bonus" grandparents is geenrally only going to be good. I say that based on maybe an idyllic conception of GP's as being involved in the GK's lives primarily as additional support and doting... Hopefully that'll be the case here.

me too Mom3. Too cute. So nice to get instant validation. Good for you and your family!!

"But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in." Where did I say that? You said, "And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college." All I did was rephrase it because you didn't like that only a 'part' of your sentence was used and I didn't want to take it out of your context. YOU imply that this SM community feels that dad doesn't have to pay for college and therefore you don't need to get lectured by any of us. Well, that is not the same as ME saying that all SM's here feel that way. What I'm saying is that you choose to be a part of THIS online community. Nobody is forcing you to be here. Personally, I don't think college costs are the right of any child, unless there is a law that states it (or by agreement). I agree with Kathline that it varies from person to person and I have three bio kids. One that is in college and I'm helping him all I can. It would be nice if his dad would help him but legally, neither of us is obligated. Morally... maybe. I have another son that I know would not do well in college. I'd like for him to go but he doesn't have the motivation to do that. If he was motivated and would benefit, I'd help him too. I don't think college is as important as others because most people that I know that went to college, ended up doing something other than what they went to college for. There are also many successful people in my family that did not go to college. I don't think college equals success. I think that college educated people can be more successful than uneducated people, but not always. But, none of that matters because your point here is not about who should pay for college. It seems more to bash people that don't agree with you and blame stepmoms for kids not going to college. Several people here have (bio)kids that have gone to college and paid for their own college (my son is working to help pay his way too) and just because they would hold the same standard for their stepchild, they are being criticized and somehow you try to relate that to whether they now have the right to discipline in their own home, because they don't agree that dad should pay for college. And then you bring up your ex's SO lifestyle and comments that she's made to your daughter about you. What does that have to do with discipline. Apparently, your daughter doesn't spend much time with her dad and his SO isn't going to have to worry too much about disciplining her and he's already bound by your agreement to pay for her college... so what is your freakin' point???? How does anything you've said relate to this thread???