In his divorce, my husband was required to take out a hefty life ins policy to benefit his kids (until they're emancipated). We did Wills before our wedding and my things (properties I own) go to DH, with one specifically to go to my sister who has special needs. If he dies and still has those properties, they go back to my family. His assets go to me, but if I die they go back to his kids.

We also have a problem child, my SD. Once she is emancipated, it is very likely that her life ins will be cut off and it will then only benefit my SS (I read outloud to my husband your comment about cutting out your problem SS - good for you!

And, just to make it clear -- if my DH died and I got the house, etc., I would not be liquidating and hitting the road.....I would be fair and equitable with my SS. Though, I definitely would NOT share anything with my SD - she has broken her father's heart time and time again and is utterly disrespectful (and the quintessential underachiever). Neither he nor I believe she should be rewarded for that kind of behavior.

Can't wait to hear the fall out from our situation.....I'm not stealing their inheritance, but as his wife, I certainly am entitled to not be thrown out of my own home if my husband dies (and we have separate life insurance policies for each other).

I agree with your attorney, about the jewelry anyway. Why leave something so personal and special to SDs that have treated you like cr*p all these years??!! Leave your jewelry to your boys. One day, they can give it to their wives. Or, if you have a special niece or a friend's daughter that is special to you. Nothing says you have to leave your stuff to relatives.

You know this brings up a good point, I am 25 and have never done up a will. I guess thinking at 25 there was no need for one, but DH has his DD, I have my DS and we have one on the way this would probably be a good time to think about it. As I have no daughters of my own, I honestly don't know how i would approach the idea of my jewelry, as I wouldn't give her my wedding ring AND before I get the riot act read to me! My mother gave me my wedding ring as it has been in the family for years, and she wished me to be careful who I give it to when the time comes. But this does raise a good concern.

My DH has a life insurance policy with 100% going to me. We have an understanding that if he is to pass before my SD's are out of college, I am to take some of that money and pay for the college and living expenses. He did not want to leave any money to them, because as minors, their mother would have alot of say in how the money was used, and past experience has told him she would take advantage of it. If they are adults, we have talked about giving each of them 25%. He has told me specifically which personal items (guitars, jewelry, etc.) he would like to go to them, and I will oblige his wishes. Honestly, I am really unconcerned about money for my kids if I was to die first. My parents will take care of them financially for life. I have 1 bio son and 1 bio daughter, so I would assume my DD would get my jewelry.

In my state, in the divorce agreement, both mother and father are required by law to have life insurance of a specified amount as long as any of the children are minors. It wasn't optional.

Weed: I'm not sure what to hope for regarding my jewelry: to one day feel close enough to want to leave my things to the SDs or that I one day have a DIL that I love like a DD or maybe a grandd one day. I worry about the SDs because they are the types who 'trade up' the diamond earrings my husband bought them for bigger ones each time they can. (I'm the opposite - I love what was given from the heart - even the jewels my sons make me from time to time, lol.) They also take a lot of things back that I've bought them through the years. I'd hate to imagine my things (I'm not a real jewelry person but DH has bought me many gorgeous pieces through the years) taken to a pawn shop before I'm even cold in my grave or something. W/ a future DIL, well, divorce happens and again, I hesitate to leave to her my cherished items. I guess I hope for a g-dd somewhere.

Lafevm: You have covered the bases well, but you and DH's wishes should be in writing somewhere in case you were both, God forbid, to perish together. I just went through all of this w/ my beloved g-father, so I know what I'm talking about. He wanted my cousins to have his house, but his estate split between his 2 DDs. He said, "Your mom will take care of you and your brother, but I can't trust _____ to do the same and since her boys don't have dads, I want them to have my house." I said, "I'll take you to the atty and you state exactly what you want." He did, and out of my aunt's 1/2 came his house, to my cousins. They were looking to quickly sell it, so I bought it from them, further getting me into debt until this darn ins. settlement comes along!

TOS: My DH kept his life ins. policies for his adult kids. When he was in ICU last year and the SS didn't come or even call, he was hurt. It very well could have been the end for him and SS was the only skid who could have driven to us. Anyway, I later mentioned that the baby (3, our unasked for blessing) had no benefits from either of us. That's when DH changed the beneficiary on one of the five policies to benefit our youngest over his adult son. If this man ever turns it around, I'm sure the pot would be divided up equally amongst all of his children.

D

That is funny that this was brought up. Me and my hubby have just recently been talking about this very thing. I have had a will since my daughter was born only because I was a single mom and didnt want any questions as to what should happen to my daughter if anything suddenly happened to me. Since, me and my hubby we havent really changed anything and we decided it was time.

He will have custody of my daughter should I die when she is a minor still. (that is the first and biggest one)Although, we are looking into him adopting her... if something should happen before that time... I dont want her to lose the security of the only family she has known. Up until my hubby my sister would have had custody of her or as a second my cousin and his wife.

Everything else all money life insurance etc would go to him or to me based upon who dies first. Then we would (for instance should he die) I would manage all money given and disperse it as necessary and fitting to each child equally ... same for me. We actually talked about this because if he were to suddenly die ... it wouldnt be beyond the kids bm to totally cut me and my dd out of her and the kids lives... but if I have the money she will have to deal with me and I and my daughter wouldnt lose not only a father and husband but siblings and children too and the kids wouldnt lose a father step mom and sister all in one fowl swoop. Plus the bm would not handle the money responsibly in the best interest of the kids.

We are in the works of making everything official... but that is the plan.

Both my spouse and I have agreed to put his/my name on our respective life insurance. If he dies, all comes to me with the understanding that i will take care of giving some to his three children. How much? That remains undecided to this day. If i die, all goes to him but he must remember my brother, nephews and niece.

We've had many arguments over this subject. I refused to split 50-50 % of his life insurance with his three adult children. I don't think this is fair considering i have always been the one who has brought in a much higher income to the home and which helped with raising, entertaining, etc, etc. his children. I am willing to go 40-60, 30-70 or something but not 50-50. DH and i have not arrived at a conclusion on this subject and so we don't have a Will.

The cottage is in both our names and it is stipulated on the loan documents that if one of us dies, the cottage will automatically be paid for and becomes the soul possession of the remainging survivor.

I have no children. Both my parents have died. When I first met DH 18 years ago, i thought i would leave everything i had to him and his three children. Boy, have i changed my mind since then.

In fact, i was thinking about it last night. Why should i leave anything to his children? Do you think I will be part of their Will one day!!!!

I wonder in fact how many children include their step parent on their Will!!!!

I have two nephews and one niece who live in Brasil. I am also very close to one brother. I told DH that if i die...everything goes to him but he must consider my nephews, niece and brother. I've also told DH that with some of the money i will leave behind, i would really like it if a scholarship was set up at a university in my home town in my name.

Is is really evident that i don't really particularly appreciate DH's adult children anymore (except for one).

Last week, DH had told me he was going to go watch his grand daugther play soccer one night this week.

I thought i might go. This grand-daughter is the child of my oldest step daughter with whom i have not one single thing in common except the fact that i live with her father. In the last 18 years, i've been to numous games to watch my two youngest stepchildren play soccer or another sport. DH never went alone. Last night, i never said a word. I had made up my mind that i wasn't going to waste my evening standing up watching somebody play soccer after i had had a long day at work. Plus, i knew the oldest step daughter would be there and just the fact that i would see her would stressed me out! She quit her job in march and is still sitting home all day long watching tv while we work.

Guess what. I decided to stay home and relax. DH never went! Just proves how many times it was me who made sure there was a relationship between his kids and him. I thought. Been there, had e the t-shrit, i'm done with this kind of thing. I don't care what his children think if there father or grand father is not there to watch them.

I know my attitude might sound harsh and childish, but lately i have really, really been thinking about my life, my health, etc. and realized if i had been a little bit more selfish in this relationship, i probably would not be so sick today physically, mentally, spiritually.

Thank you for reading me.

Keep posting.

Are you not well, fleurs? I am so sorry. I agree that the stress and penning up all the emotions, taking all the slights you've apparently been dealt is not healthy. I know, first hand, as you may recall when an ulcer sidelined me in the height of my stress w/ SD living w/ us...

I feel for you but also want to caution you. Get your wishes in writing. Have the beneficiaries all added to your policy NOW. Do not trust DH to carry out your wishes to the full extent that you envision. It's not him that cannot be trusted, but if the steps start working on him, your wishes could go out the window.

Like you, I'm not selfish either. I guess we have ourselves to blame, but I'm sure we always thought things would get better. In my case, I do think they have improved. I hope it's for the longterm, this time. I've been disappointed before when thinking we hit a turning point...

D

I have a question. I have been thinking about this since my first post regarding this topic. As DH and I just got married on the 7th, and his DD and I have had little contact with each other and what little contact we have had has been BAD. If I was to draw up a will at my age and the newness of our marriage. Would I be wrong in not adding her to my will?

I mean I have always planned on leaving everything I have to my son, but now things have changed. I am not sure what to do....

vistajpdf,

Thank you so much for your inquiry into my health.

To be honest with you, i haven't been feeling really, really well lately. I don't know ....if its PMS, hormones, premenopause, or what plus the fact that i have fibromyalgia, but its just like I've begun to realized how i've done things in my life that today make me feellike « maybe i should have just done less ». I feel i am a survivor.

I know there are a lot of women who would never have stayed in my situation with DH and his three children; I've had to be financially responsible for a long time in this relationship and today-they just seem to think all of this comes from their father, etc. etc.

I am just basically sick and tired of people not recognizing the efforts I've had to make in order for their lives to be good and i'm not only talking about DH and his children, but even my family, friends, work colleagues, etc. etc.

It's not that i expect thank you's from everybody, but lately i've really come to the understanding that i probably would be a lot happier if i took care a little bit more about myself and less of others.

Thank you for the suggestion of writing my wishes down in regards to my Will. I will write them down and i will tell DH about it and i will find a witness to sign.

Thank you so much replying to my post.

Bonne journée.

I don't know, I have a very different view of the step family/ family and how it should work and all of that ... I from day one pretty much estabished if I was going to be involved with him I was involved with his children so I have been actively involved since day one and made it clear that I am a parental figure in that things might not always be great but when I CHOSE to enter this relationship and this family I CHOSE to take ALL that it entails into my heart.... this being said from day one I have included my steps... in everything....
ie:one of the main reasons why the boys are in football is because I have always wanted to put my daughter into sports and whats good for one is good for all.

In other words, I have included dh's children in will from beginning and as I have said before setting up savings and so on. The older kids will not benefit as much from savings because they are older and there is less time before 18 or whatever... but I cant help that what I can do is disperse as equally as possible.

I dont think you should necessarily exclude step children just because you dont get along... imo you wouldnt exclude your kids necessarily just because you dont get along with them
That is not to say that those who are grown adults and cant act like grown adults should automatically be included but I would apply the same exceptions to my bkid

I agree 100%. My stepdaughters will get whatever is left of my estate upon my death. I don't have biological children, but if I eventually do, all the children will get an equal piece of the pie. However, I don't think everyone's stepfamily situation is as pleasant as mine is. I just lucked out with two exceptional stepdaugthers. I don't envy some of you!!

I have run into the dilemma of gift giving though. Should my mother spend the same amount of money on my stepdaugthers as she would on my brother's son? My stepdaughters have 2 full sets of grandparents from their mother and father's sides. My nephew only has my mother as a grandmother. It's not about liking her grandson more than her step-grandchildren because she absolutely adores the girls. Even when stepfamilies get along great, sometimes the dynamics can be quite confusing...

lonepiper have you thought about sitting down with your SC and telling them the situation? Are they at an age that they will understand that there cousin might not be as lucky to have so many people who love them the way both the families do. So if they see the grandparents might give him a few extra gifts it's only because of that reason, and not because of love.

Kids are rarely given enough credit, if at the age of understanding they might be ok with it.

We did our will shortly after we married, which left
everything to the surviving spouse, then divided equally
among the 4 kids after the second spouse died.

2 years ago, we changed it to 10% to each kid, after the second spouse died.

The rest to our colleges.

We have separated out special jewelry, etc, that should stay in each respective family.

I didn't even think to sit down with the kids about it! I told my mom that I would not be offended either way, it was completely up to her. She decided that rather than perhaps causing the girls to feel excluded then she would spend the same amount on all the kids. It was actually the girls who sat us down and said that it wasn't fair, they had more family and they didn't think that she should spend the same amount on them!!! My mother and I were completely dumbfounded!!!! Sometimes they are just too smart for their own good!! However, my mother still worries and stresses about the issue and rarely follows the girls' advice.

Southernsummer now I have DS who I thought should be named singly in the will cause he is not DH's son. And as DS's father doesn't like at all my DH I am afraid if I die that my ex will never let DH have anything to do with DS. So I thought giving a piece of what I have to set aside once he become's of age would be good, and let DH do with what he needs to with the rest in regards to our baby on the way.

Would that be wrong? Singling out my DS that way?

I have no experience in this sort of thing. I don't want to seem unfair to any of the children. And as my marriage to DH becomes more of a foundation then just a few weeks into it, I would like to eventually add SD into the mix as well. But at this point I am scared to do so, as I am seen as the enemy who is taking up all of her daddies time. And all that jazz.

If you have a taxable estate, then it is smart to leave everything to your spouse when you die. You can also leave instructions on what happens to that money after the second spouse dies to leave property to the children.

The reason is that the government assesses 40% in estate tax, and for most people, that means selling a home, farm or business to pay the taxes. There is no estate tax on what you leave to a spouse.

For instance, if my husband dies, and we have everything divided 5 ways, then I would have to sell our house and farm and everything to be able to pay out 80% of our net worth to the children and to pay the estate taxes. As a widow, I might like to live in my house a while longer and
not be out on the street.

Even if you do not have a taxable estate, imagine being newly widowed and have to pay out 80% of everything you own.

A taxable estate on a federal level means that your total estate is greater than 2 million dollars.

In my state, a taxable estate is greater than 1 million dollars.

If you own any property, a business, or are expecting a life insurance payment, it is not difficult to get to that amount.

Are you and DH making separate wills?

If you don't have any property, business or life insurance, then it probably is okay.

Hi Ladies -
My DH & I are leaving everything to the surviving spouse. When the last spouse dies, our four combined children will receive an equal share. I have thought ahead to the scenario that there may be another new spouse in the future for either of us and, at that point, the waters can get muddied further. Other than laying down ground rules that the newly married spouse will not co-mingle our estate with the new spouse, I'm at a loss regarding how to deal with this possibility.

Do any of you have solutions to this scenario included in your estate planning? How will you handle it?

as of right now ... we do not have anything that states anything about future spouses ... I trust my hubby to take care of the kids regardless So I am not really concerned ... if I ever feel like there is a chance of otherwise I will reevaluate... ofcourse at that time I should probably be reevaluating the relationship as a whole...

Notwicked -- laying down ground rules -- you dont know what will happen when you are gone. You can put property in trust for surviving spouse, and then to kids. This also allows the "maritial exemption" from estate tax. You need a lawyer, but not a big deal. I dont know if it worth doing for other than a house (investment assets you can probably just divide up). It will likely prevent the surviving spouse from getting a reverse mortgage. I think you can put provisions in that house can be sold -- for example if smaller house desired, but all proceeds stay in trust. I dont know if any of this really works

I personally would not give any of your jewellery to those adults. They've given you nothing but grief for the most part. And do not do it because you feel obligated for marrying your husband.
As for the house....since it was your husbands before you got married i think it should be shared with the kids. His kids and any kids you had together. I dont think its right to take that away from them whether they were sods or not.
As for me. Whether my SKids are good or not its my personal belief and how i was raised ethnically to have it passed within the family or married by church within the family. All my things will go to my son. Though things may change later on ...you never know. Even biokids can be undeserving. In that case it goes to the grandkids or cousins who deserve it.
I would leave it up to the bioparents to leave something for the sk. I dont think its fair that my skids would inherite their mothers house and also inherite half of mine. and my only son gets only50%. NO WAY!!! sorry it will not happen. Their mother will have to give them their house and my house will go to my son. That is the way i feel. I do what is fair in considering my son.

oraganic maria..I totally agree. My son has only 1 set of grandparents and me that are bio. My SD's have 2 sets of bio grandparents plus 2 sets of steps, so I am inclined to leave more to my bio son. I do believe it is up to my SD's bio mom and her family to leave something as well.

While the house in question was the one my DH lived in before we were married, I own it 100%. Remember, he has terrible credit, so I own each of our properties and I'm the one struggling to keep them, worried about taxes, etc. But, he got me a good price because the former owner was his landlord and allowed him to pay a chunk of rent towards its purchase. He could not get financing, however, and that's when I stepped in as we were newly engaged. So, part of me thinks it's 'his' while part of me thinks I'm the one who deals w/ all the tenant headaches and repairs, so it's not his! I guess time will tell.

I also feel that the skids will get whatever their mother has unless it goes to her church. They also have their maternal g-mother.

My parents have always been generous to a fault to my skids. While things are much better now, I don't think they'd ever truly come to my aid in a moment of need way down the road - like if I was elderly and needed them to help me out, etc. You never know and I can only hope my relationship w/ them continues to improve.

I'm happy to see so much feedback here,
Dana

Hi Dana -
If you & DH haven't thought of it yet, you might wish to look into Long-Term Care insurance. Both DH & I realize after caring for his ill mother until her death that it is too much to ask our children to look after us in our infirm years. We've handled the problem by purchasing Long-Term insurance while fairly young before the rates (according to age & illness) were too high for us to pay.

Notwicked - I didn't know it existed! Hope it's not too late for us - I'm 43 and he was 62 yesterday! I have seen how this does cost and arm and a leg as my dad's mother is living, wil be 95 next week, and is out of state. She's difficult, but I tried to move her down here - lasted 2 weeks, etc.

Thanks,
Dana

fleurs: I'm so sorry about your issues. That fibromyalgia is a rough thing to cope w/. I often wonder if my mother has it - it can be so painful for her at times to just function and just a few short years ago, she was as physically young as she is mentally young! (She's very vivacious.)

You wrote:.................................................

I know there are a lot of women who would never have stayed in my situation with DH and his three children; I've had to be financially responsible for a long time in this relationship and today-they just seem to think all of this comes from their father, etc. etc.
............................................................

My sentiments, exactly w/ my situation.

and you wrote:......................................................
I am just basically sick and tired of people not recognizing the efforts I've had to make in order for their lives to be good and i'm not only talking about DH and his children, but even my family, friends, work colleagues, etc. etc.
............................................................

Amen to that! My DH's kids have a huge sense of entitlement as I've stated. He wants to be the big shot to them all the time, too, which only makes it worse. I hope and pray we are on the right track, now. The marriage counselor has helped him see the light, etc. I just hope this isn't a honeymoon phase and he'll revert back to his old ways if the kids work on him or start complaining. I think the girls are better than their brother on most levels, but still, as someone here recentlyi said, there are givers and takers in the world and other than my parents, I'm surrounded by takers...

My parents are nothing short of saints. They provided a loving, stable home for my brother and I and one of our cousins who needed them to step in and raise him. He is wonderful. My brother is selfish, bitter and takes advantage of my parents and me, though I've largely cut him off. I don't think he cares about anyone but himself.

I have another cousin who recently inherited a large sum of money. He also just changed jobs, so he lost his dental ins. Here's the kicker: He never had dental ins. so I always saw him for free, of course. It wasn't major work, but enough to total near a couple of thousand $ had he been paying fee for service. When he got ins, did he come to me? No. Suddenly, it was too far to drive (less than 30 min. I would guess.) He had crowns and everything done at another office and since his ins. didn't pay 100% of the crowns, he paid a perfect stranger $600. I was stunned. Would he ever offer to even cover my materials, staff wages, or anything? No. I was very hurt and I know it's stupid, but since he now HAS money and we are broke (the fire), it's like he hasn't a care in the world and would never think to just insist on my receptionist taking a few bucks to cover costs. It makes me angry. I would never charge my family, in reality, and wouldn't have taken the $ had he offered, but it would be nice to be offered it, you know?

My steps are always here doing teeth whitening procedures, taking the bleaching kits home by the armfuls, and offering it to their friends. I'm a little bitter as they've brought home friends from college and expected me and DH to work on them all weekend long, etc, for nothing or close to it...I wonder if I should go to their place of business and return the favors, lol.

So, let's make a pact to be a little more selfish! My body is screaming at me to take it a little easier.

Dana