I have been a step mother for 33 years, but have never experienced that kind of behavior. My husband and I wouldn't have put up with it, Kids borrowing money was our problem.

sunnygardenerme,

My adult stepchildren have never really attempted to break up our marriage by getting their father to meet other singles.

It is my sister in law who everytime she was at our house would never, never, never stop talking about DH's ex-wife. Ex-wife was broke, ex-wife bought a new car, ex-wife is not feeling good, etc. etc. It didn't matter what the damn subject was about, she would manage to bring up the ex with whom she was really buddy-buddy. She even tried telling me at one point how to raise my three stepchildren. She would talk to DH alot about how his ex-wife saw things, etc.

At one point, I got so upset at this continuous rude behavior that I told DH that if ever it was to happen again in our home, I would tell sister in law in front of everybody what I thought of her acting like this. Of course DH never told his sister in law to stop doing this but at one point sister in law notice that DH wasn't reacting anymore when she would speak of the ex. Everytime she did it however, I thought someday I am going to tell this woman exactly what I think of her.

Well, my brother in law died and soon after sister in law met someone. I didn't meet this guy but then she met another man who has not one, not two but three children!

I couldn't believe it. For months, I would joke when I would see her telling her she should do this and that with the children and reminding her how she had acted with me when I had the step children around.

The only thing I haven't done but I promise myself to do it someday and I don't care if its in 30 years, is to mention and inquire about her former boyfriend right in front of her new boyfriend. We will see how she likes them bananas! I told DH I would do this. He doesn't agree but who cares!

At one point, I actually wondered if sister in law wasn't doing this in hope that DH would go back to his ex. I got hurt by this thought, but after a while, I really told myself if that is what is to happen - fine. I'm a good woman and if he wants to go elsewhere then go!

So, I suggest everytime you feel the adult stepchildren are attempting to match their father with somebody, think - I am good, I am the best, he loves me... so you adult stepchildren can say whatever you want!!!

Next time you feel they are attempting to break up your marriage - be strong and ask them what there problem is and why they are doing this! If you can't do it right on the spot, then call them, do something and let them know what you think of their behavior. Don't get in a fight, don't argue, just tell them how rude and unconsiderate they are!

Be good to yourself.

Thanks jonesy and fluers gardener.
Jonesy congratulations on 33 years as a stepparent. I give you much praise.
We also have the same problem with adult stepkids when it comes to money. They are always asking for something that involves money. It can be frustrating and cause alot of friction in the marriage. Many time is involves something I have personnally purchased prior to the marriage, such as, a car, grill, lawn mower, etc. I often feel they are trying to get something for free and bio dad gets all the thanks (not me).

fleurs gardener, Your sister-in-law sounds like my stepkids. They constantly bring up the ex and also other single women around my DH age. It gets on my nerves. They often try to get DH alone with the ex and other single women. It becomes very stressful and I get tired of it. They often will do these things in a sneaky way so it looks as if it was by chance it came up that way or happened that way. But after awhile when it continues to happen you know it is not by chance.

I would like to say something to the stepkids, but DH is like a mother bear protecting his cubs. Anything anyone says about his kids that is negative he has a fit or becomes defensive. So I have to watch what I say. DH can never see his kids do anything wrong when it is obvious to others. Or maybe he just does not want to admit that his kids are trying to cause trouble.

Thanks again for all the examples, advise and keep it coming.

sunnygardernerme,

I know how it is when you say ''I'd like to say something to the stepkids, but DH is like a mother god.''

DH did the same for 18 years and if fact still does it but now I don't care anymore. If I feel like talking to one of his kids regarding a situation, I do. For the first 18 yeaers of our relationship, I always said I would never confront his kids on whatever subjects until the day when they would all be 18 years olds. Well, the youngest SD turned 18 last spring and I would not hesitate to say one word to any of his kids now if I had to. I figure they are adults now.

In fact, I was waiting for the oldest SD to insult me as usual when she would be at our house at xmas. However, for one reason or another, she was really, really, really quiet when she came over and never even insulted me once. Not once!!!! In fact, she hardly talked the whole time she was at our house. She say on a chair and I don't think she left that chair until she left at 12 o'oclock that night. I couldn't believe it. She is going through difficult times with her husband so maybe this is why she was so quiet. Whatever the reason, I actually didn't mind being around her for once.

sunnygardenerme - next time you feel the adult stepchildren have hurt you - don't hesitate to talk to them. Disregard the fact that DH might not like you doing this. You have no choice but to do so since there are times you count on him to defend you and he doesn't. You are a big girl and you can take care of yourself. Go girl!

What I cant believe is that the bio parent is allowing their adult children to even try to set them up with singles like this.
No one on this forum ever wants to yell or get upset...well I can tell you if my step daughter was trying to set my husband up with another woman,I'd have QUITE a bit to say about it!

Sometimes you have to defend what is yours.Sometimes you have to fight.(and no,I dont mean with fists)

If this was me,I would put a stop to it now.Or I'd tell my husband to go ahead and just be with one of the singles cuz I'm done!

i have experienced the extreme of this, them trying to destroy us. At first it was just to break us up, when they were in their early teens, now there is just such distain, I feel they are trying to destroy us. Virtually destroy us. They cause all sorts of trouble and make all sorts of claims. My DH and I can't even be alone in a room with them without some bogus claim. He is still torn because he left them with his ex knowing she was unstable when he divorced her. Guilt. They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again. They are poison and I am forced with making decisions based on their actions. Decisions I never thought I would make. I believed so wholeheartedly in 'unconditional love' but I guess I am not the person I thought I was. Not at all and I have to face that every day, I am ashamed that I don't love them. I am ashamed that I can't handle this anymore. I am not as strong as I believed I was. I tried so hard to love them, so hard for so long. I was so forgiving for so long, I didnt realize that my body was capable of forgivness for only so long. I didn't know that I had a 'forgivness limitation'. I never would have believed it but now I am forced to live with a whole bunch of realities that I cannot change. I cannot love them enough to affect them. I cannot force them to make peace with me. I dislike the person that they uncovered in me, the one with no more forgivness, the one who has exhausted the unconditional love I thought I had. Everyone can judge me and that is fine, but this is the raw reality of how I feel. Your personal judgement can't be any harsher than how I feel about myself and my choices, so have at it. I knew when I wrote this, how harsh this support board can be, I have been lerking for a while.

anonimusone,

I'm just curious what sort of claims your stepchildren make. Also, what do you mean when you say "They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again"? Why would he be torn up if his children act as if nothing is wrong?

I have dealt the last four years with the three oldest of my six s'kids trying to destroy our relationship. They decided they could not destroy it so they have settled for being as rude and mean with me as possible ( of course not when dad is looking/listening). My DH did finally confront one last summer. SS and DIL had just had the first grandchild. They got angry cuz my DH brought me with to the hospital and in return announced to all with me standing their that I was "not to be called grandma". My DH did raise to my defense at that time and told them that I was his wife and what hurt me,hurt him and he was not tolerating it anymore. Since they count on a huge inheritance (partly why they want me gone!!)they kissed up to him and now just do nasty stuff when he's not looking. I have come to the conclsion of late that it is my husbands duty to stand by me and protect me....from everything bad...and that includes even his children. It is what I would do for him. I talked to him tonight of "separating" because I just cant deal with the anger/hurt/stress of adult kids that wont grow up. He cried and begged for me not to take that route. I guess we have alot of talking to be done this week. I expected to go thru hard times with the kids at home (he was a widower)but I never expected to be treated like I have been by "adults" who have never even taken the time to know me. I feel for you so much. It is hard to be hurt by the children of the man you love.

I do not judge you anonimusone! You are right about how harsh some people can be on this board.What people dont undertsand or realize is that EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!
People can be critical and mean,but they are not everyone.I have been judged quite a bit and I'm still here.Because I know the people making the criticisms would fall to their knees if they had to live my life!

Hang in there...you are not a bad person.Sometimes it just feels that way.

anonimusone

thankyou... have been going through a hard time as well and thought i was going crazy. i have looked through loads of forums in total desparation. And your words mirror exactly how i feel.

the trouble is we love too much and it hurts to find out people close to us really dont care about us as much as we do.

now i know i am not alone i have been able to draw strength from your words. its time for me to be selfish, to look after myself. there is no one else here to do it for me.

i morne the person i was, but i now realise the person i was wasnt happy. i need to be happy. thankyou for sharing such inner thoughts

love and peace and i hope you find some happiness

Those are good words of advice Yaz1...I'm so tired of people saying you need to "Do the right thing". I have been doing the right thing my entire life!
In situations like these,sometimes you have to sit back and be a little selfish.Otherwise you lose your mind.And then we are no good to anyone.

My deepest sympathy to you. I know what you mean about how a situation that goes on and on despite your best sustained efforts to be your best self, eventually wears you down, and then even your self esteem, the person you pride yourself on being, is taken away . We all have our limits and if what you're doing isn't working, then it's time to try something else.

There comes a time when you know that no matter how good you are, no matter how hard you try to make it good with the stepkids, it won't happen because they have a need to hate and punish, and guess what, stepmother is the safest target.

It's a powerless feeling to know nothing you do can change a bad situation, and it is discouraging to settle for an option that isn't what YOU consider to be the highest road. But taking back the reigns over where your life goes is a very healthy move, so give yourself permission, and forgive yourself for being human.

hAts off 100% to you all. I still encounter adult step children issues, lots of lying and manipulation. Please remeber to step back and look carefully at each situation to see if you can actually 'trust' the reason they maybe nice to you. If you have step children that have been spoiled rotton before you came on the scene fasten your seat belt, they do not give up easily and try everything to get 'stuff' from you, or try and split the marriage....even if they end up in jail because of it and still blame everyone except themselves!
One day there will be a retreat for us all. One day.