That is strange. How old is son? How long has DH had custody? My first thought was that DH is up against some crisis and instead of verbalizing it, he is trying to replace it.

It would appear that it is his sons moving back in with BM, but that doesn't quite fit because he could easily get son back. After an extended period of time, he would probably have a hard time -- but it doesn't make sense after the weekend was up.

I think there is more to this.

Son just turned 13.
DH had custody for 4-1/2 years.

I agree there's a lot more to this and my DH isn't one to say what is on his mind. I'm having a hard time understanding how a grown man who hung on his son's every word would react this way.

It could be that he is truly hurt that at 13, just when a son 'should be' needing his father most, he wants to leave. Maybe he sees it as 'no use' now. Was there anything that happened in August to cause this desired change in homes, either at your house or at moms?

Is there a chance the father did something improper and is afraid to make his son angry, afraid that he might tell if forces him to come back.

I know he's walking on eggshells trying hard not to make anyone angry but it's a little too late for that. DH made son angry when he married me, that's it. Son never liked his parents' significant others. When his mother remarried, he used to make up stories about the new husband to my DH. She had remarried way before we did, only a month after their divorce was finalized. So, he already did it by making his son mad to the point that he left. While he lived here, my DH expected son to do his homework, act in a responsible manner, and be polite and if he didn't, there weren't any consequences; just temporary groundings of not watching TV in his room, but he'd just go to the kitchen to watch it instead and DH sat along with him watching. The boy was treated like a rockstar behaving badly in a five-star hotel.

star, what do you mean by improper? I was with them or around them nearly 90 percent of the time he lived here, and other than yelling because son failed classes, didn't do homework, lied, didn't clean up after himself, etc., I don't know what he could've done to son that was so horribly awful.

As far as the mother's house goes, she did lure him with material possessions. She didn't handle the news of our marriage well and went off the deepend when she found out, especially since her second marriage ended in divorce and she was forced to move to a new town. She was fine with DH having custody of son until she knew we were permanent. She started on DH's son shortly after we married by buying him everything he wanted, no rules at all, and promises of bigger and better things to come.

DH has only talked to son three times since he left and the last two conversations indicate that life isn't with the mother isn't what she promised it would be. DH's son seems to be spending an increasing amount of time with the grandparents rather than his BM.

I've asked DH several times to consider contempt orders, filing relief, to do something to get this straightened out, but he won't. He tells me to quit dwelling on it, he doesn't have the money to do anything, and he isn't wasting his time or resources on it. I appreciate all of your kind thoughts.

It's not contempt. DH has voluntarily let him stay with Mom. Mom probably has a good case for custody now though, even if DH picks him up. To claim contempt, DH would have needed to attempt to pick him up and have witnesses (police, who will not intervene) to document, then go to court asap.

When did you move in with DH?

"When did you move in with DH?"

Why on earth would you ask??

OP, husband may just be sick & tired being played, & he may be using a version of tough love.

I'd leave it alone.

I think dad is hurt that his son went to moms because of material possessions. dad is probably upset and maybe is waiting to see how long son is willing to stay there and when he is going toa sk if he can come back home to dads.

Sylvia, I ask because the OP is making a point that BM went off the "deepend" after they married but was fine before that. If they were already living together, but not married -- I think it is strange that BM would react that way -- if not living together going off the deepend may not be accurate and there may have been valid problems from BM's view.

Additionally, since the son is not living with Dad -- Dad should not fight CS.

I think that there will be problems at Moms house regardless. Apparently there was discipline issues with Dad and anyone trying to discipline this child now as a teenager no less is going to have problems. And the child will most likely see that person as mean. My 2 cents.

As far as Dad, I think there is a whole lot more and I would be very reluctant to just point at Mom offering material posessions to lure the kid. Dad had every legal right in this situation, but choose not to extend it. That doesn't fit the description the OP gave of his behavior earlier, so I can fully understand the OP's confusion but I don't think anyone would be able to get to the bottom of it until DH is willing to open up himself.

Actually, there are some issues of contempt due to an existing court order for grandparents' rights that both my DH and the BM signed. His attorney said he could file against BOTH of them, but he won't, saying he has no money and he refuses to work OT.

He's not fighting CS. Fighting was a poor choice of words on my part, however, there are circumstances which will lower the payments which DH is entitled to seek, and he's not doing much to obtain the necessary paperwork to get those deductions. The CS hearing is three hours away. His attorney told him to call for a phone conference to alleviate the need for a six hour drive that day, and he still has not done that. He whines and complains how the BM never paid him one cent for the 4-1/2 years that he had custody, so why isn't he being more proactive in getting a fair amount reduced from his payments.

DH and I moved in together a week AFTER we got married due to problems with closing on our house. Do I dare mention that the little boy didn't want to tell his mom that we got married because he was worried that she'd wreck the day and our lives? DH's son claims to this day that he never told her, but who knows. If BM thought there were problems before we married, then why didn't she go after him earlier?

Like sylvia suggested, I think I'll choose to let it go now. I can't force DH to do anything. I'm sure he sees he's fighting a losing battle and feels defeated in addition to being manipulated by his own child and parents. It must be awful for him.

I'm sorry you and your spouse is going through this. I asked the women here in my office (who are divorced and have children) whether or not their teen children ever pulled the "I wanna live with daddy" card and they all said yes. I guess it really isn't that uncommon during those rebellious years for them to not want to live with the parent who is more structured and who enforces more discipline.

Our girls are only four and they already do it...hahaha. If you tell them no it's "I wanna go to mama's". Ten bucks say's the kid comes around on his own and if not I wouldn't want to force him to be some where he doesn't want to be. He will be LOVELY to be around if he is FORCED to be there. EEK. If I was dad I would still make it a point to let him know he is welcomed to visit anytime he wants and I'd make it clear I was going to miss him.

Also, I know what you mean about going off deep ends. My husbands ex flipped when we got married too. We even lived together almost a year and a half before we got hitched and she still spazed. She wasn't over joyed to hear I was pregnant either. She told the girls not to talk about the baby around her. She's having some issues "moving on". We have been making progress though:)

Hi doodle,

My DD12 used to pull the "I'm going to live with my dad" card. I knew she didn't mean it, and I didn't play into it which made all of the difference in the world. I always told her to go if she thought his house were better. Needless to say, she's still with her miserable, mean mother to this day. :) I agree my DH's son will be asking to come back. His mother has a BF who appears to be yelling at him already so he won't like him and will be making stories up about him shortly. The boy historically claims to like the significant others at first then turns on them shortly thereafter. It's no coincidence that he's done this with all of them.

My DH texts the boy daily with no response from him. DH has only talked to the kid three times since he left and all three times he was with his grandparents so it appears the BM won't allow him to call or return my DH's texts. The three times DH has spoken with him, he has asked when he was coming to visit. DH's son always says he doesn't know but that BM said not until school was over which it is now but she already has him away visiting the grandparents the next two or three weeks.

I think BM was fine with us dating so long as she knew it was just dating. We never lived together either. BM was all cakes and pies when she moved on thinking she struck it rich with a new man but when his kids caused her trouble, she picked up her stuff and left town. I wonder if she realizes how ironic her own doings are now.

I'm glad to hear you are making progress and are able to find happiness in your new life. I am happy where I am with what I have. I just wish my DH wouldn't allow his son, the BM, and his parents to bully him so much and to stand up for what is right.