Do I really need a maid of honor?

21 years ago

I just told my friends about my engagement about two weeks ago, and asked three of my friends to be bridesmaids, and one of my friends to be a maid of honor. At first she said she would be because she's my friend, but she's not supporting the idea of me marrying my fiancee because he's hurt me bad in the past. We have gotten through those issues and were apart for a year and a half (had been together for a year and a half prior) and are working towards a future together. Anyway, saturday she said she'd come visit me (from out of town) and have brunch and she wanted to tell me how she felt, face to face, about me marrying my fiancee. She didn't come, said she forgot and I should have called and reminded her. Anyway, we spoke on the phone for a little while, and she asked when the wedding was. I told her it's in four months because I want a spring wedding. She insists that we are rushing things, and she doesn't feel it in HER heart, and cannot do "it" which I assume means participate in the wedding. She said she'd attend but she couldn't do it (be a maid of honor). I don't know what to do now. First off I feel weird asking a bridesmaid to be a maid of honor because they're going to know they weren't my first choice. Secondly, I do not have many options because 1 bridesmaid is all the way across the country, another is in her last yr of school in a PhD program and I know she won't have time, and the other already said she didn't have money to be a maid of honor... throw parties and what not. I already know about her financial woes, and greatly appreciate her just being a bridesmaid. As far as throwing a bridal shower and a bachelorette party, I have friends who are not bridesmaids that have agreed to do it because it's fun for them. Nevertheless, I don't even care if I get all of those things. My fiancee and I are planning the wedding, as far as place, caterer, time, date, etc.... He's upset about me not having a maid of honor, but do I really need one???

Also, this situation w/ my friend not being a maid of honor... is this going to end up ruining our friendship. That would be unfortunate. We've been friends since freshman yr of college.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (11)

sweet_pea10
21 years ago
Another option is to ask all three friends to be co-maids of honor. It is quite common today to have more than one maid/matron of honor. Your maid/matron of honor is not obligated to have a shower and/or bachelorette party if she is unable to do so, either because of distance, finances, or other circumstances. Since you have friends who want to do these things for you, that will solve the problem for your one friend.

If you decide to make all of the ladies maids of honor, just divide up the duties. One can stand next to you during the ceremony, one can sign the marriage license, and one can give a toast for all three of them.

Your fiance does not need to have three best men. Your guests really won't care what the ladies' titles are and whether they walk with a groomsman.

Your situation with your friend could end your friendship depending on how you handle the situation. Obviously, she cares about you, enough to tell you exactly how she feels. You can act on what she says or tell her that you appreciate her concerns, but the two of you have worked through your problems. If you have not had pre-marital counseling, it would be a very good idea to have some, should there be issues that the two of you have not confronted.
grace3
21 years ago
Sweet Pea has given some excellent suggestions concerning the "logistics" of having the 3 bridesmaids be co-maids of honor.

She has given even more excellent suggestions in regard to your other friend, and also concerning pre-marital counseling. I hope that you will give serious consideration to her advice.
Related Discussions
Replace the Maid of Honor??
Q
Comments (5)
If I'm understanding you correctly, it's not so much about the title as it is about the idea that there is one special person who is sort of responsible for all the things that an MOH would normally be responsible for, both at the wedding and in the days leading up to it. I think you have some options here. You can assign one of your other bridesmaids to step in and take those duties. You can split those duties among all your other bridesmaids. You can ask a family member who is close but not already in the wedding to take those duties. You can do any of the above without actually calling someone "maid of honor". If you're worried about having an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, I think that your friend would understand and not feel bad that you asked another person to stand up for you. These days, though, anything goes. I've seen weddings with lopsided attendants and it was just fine. Unless you're printing a program (I guess that's almost the norm these days?) no one will even know if you have a MOH or not, they'll just see the attendants standing up there. Even if you do have a program and just name your absent friend as MOH, again, no big deal. The thing is, there just aren't any "rules" about these things. If you want to have two or more or no MOHs, who's going to tell you not to? It's all about what makes you comfortable as long as those attendants are all on board.
...See More
No date allowed for Maid of honor/Sister?
Q
Comments (2)
Babysitting and helping out of towners may not be typical maid of honor duties, but they do come under the category of helping the bride and her family with whatever needs to be done, which seems to me to be the overall "duty" of a MOH. And this MOH is the bride's sister; these things do seem like typical member-of-the-immediate-family duties. It may not be as much fun as hanging out with a date, but that's what family members do for each other. On the whole, though, I agree with sue36, especially the part about it not seeming so odd in such a small wedding. "All invites included a guest" except the sister's -- how many can they possibly be talking about? Out of 40 people, presumably including the bridal couple and their parents, how many are single? Is this girl in a serious relationship that the sister is insulting, or is she just expecting to be permitted to go out and find a stranger to bring to this very small wedding? Anyway, whether or not it was "fair" for the bride to tell her sister she can't bring a date, I think that the MOH just needs to go along graciously with her sister's decision. It's only a few hours; presumably she can live without a date for that long and just enjoy her family. And I think the OP should not encourage her friend to make trouble!
...See More
combined maid of honor/best man speech?
Q
Comments (2)
I think it sounds great, and I think people will enjoy it. I have been to two zillion weddings, so forgive my presumption, but here are a few tips to help: 1) Keep it short. Guests' attention span for this kind of thing is a lot less than you'd think, and remember that yours will not be the only toast or speech. You don't have to include every good thing you think of. 2) Remember your audience. Some stories may seem hilarious to people who were there, but will bore others to tears. Some stories are great for the couple's peers, but embarrassing to hear in a room that includes grandparents, clergy, etc. This is not the best time to make fun of them -- well, maybe a little gentle teasing, but I can tell you that the toasts that have impressed me most are the ones where the siblings talk about how much they adore their siblings and are delighted with their new in-law. Classy. 3) WRITE IT OUT and PRACTICE. It is agony hearing people ramble. You don't have to read it -- it's better if you read as little as possible -- but if you write it out ahead, you will keep it succinct and organized, and you'll be surprised how little you need to rely on the written notes. A card with a list of the stories you want to tell ought to be enough if you've practiced how you want to tell them. 4) Remember the toast at the end. You'd be surprised at how many people forget. That makes a neat ending, too.
...See More
I need help with my bf's child. Well really what do I do?
Q
Comments (8)
Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.
...See More
crazylawyerchick
Original Author
21 years ago
We had already spoke about counseling before he proposed... that's a definite. Thanks for the advice... I am definitely considering the co-maid of honor thing.

I am glad I found this forum. As for my friend... I wrote her an email (in response to one she sent me yesterday) and told her how I felt... without trying to be a b!tch. That comes easy for me... being nice doesn't... ha!

I'm sure I will be posting more questions on here until my wedding... April 16, 2005.

tata for now!
joann23456
21 years ago
If you decide to choose a maid of honor, reassure her that the only real duty of a MOH is to stand up for the bride at the wedding and be a moral support. All the rest that we foist on the maid of honor - throwing parties, being a general servant, etc., isn't required.

Good luck.
talley_sue_nyc
21 years ago
I'm w/ joanne23456.

Not only do you not need a MOH, but your MOH does not need to go w/ you to all the dress fittings, do chores for you to get ready for the wedding, or pay for anything other than her dress and shoes (and transportation).

Surely one of those bridesmaids is grown up enough to understand that it's not an insult to be an "also close" friend of the bride, and would be happy to serve as MOH (w/o getting all self-centered and insulted about the perceived slight to *her*) to make your life easier.

If they wouldn't, maybe you need SEVERAL new friends.
lindac
21 years ago
The real "duty" of a MOH is to be a witness to your marriage and to sign the marriage documents...a legal chore ( but then if you are a lawyer you knew that).
I can understand your friend formerly known as MOH ( LOL!) to be somewhat hesitant to sign such a document and yto be witness to your vows if she doesn't think the marriage should take place.
Do the counselling before you sign any contracts for renting a hall or buying a dress. My daughter spent some years as pre wedding councellor....and you would be amazed at the couples that postponed their weddings to "work things through".
Good luck.
Linda C
gellchom
21 years ago
There is no requirement that any legal document be signed by a maid of honor. In fact, at least in both the state I married in and in the state I live in now, there is no requirement of any signature other than the officiant's at all, let alone that it be by a maid of honor.
LAS23
21 years ago
I did not have a MOH when I got married in October. There was no legal need for one in the state I live in.
lindac
21 years ago
In New Jersey, and Iowa it's the law that the document must be signed by 2 witnesses as well as the officiant....most usually the MOH and the best man....and of course in a Jewish ceremony the kituba must be signed by 2 witnesses as well as the officiant.
I didn't know it was different from state to state....
Linda C
sweet_pea10
21 years ago
In most states, two witnesses must sign the marriage license in addition to the officiant. However, any two people who attend the ceremony can sign; it doesn't have to be the MOH and BM, though it is tradition for them to sign. Some couples choose to have no wedding party and ask a parent or sibling who attends the wedding to sign as witnesses.
cali4dawn
21 years ago
It's your wedding, have who you want. I agree with the other poster who said your friends should not be upset about being chosen "second." They don't even have to know why. Just say "she" cannot attend after all and I would like to ask you. It's not a lie, it's just no one's business. If she gets offended, then yes, consider making new friends.

When I got married we totally did it in an untraditional way. Like I said, it's MY wedding... I can do what I want. We just each had attendants, of both sexes, in both lines. One of my closest friends is male, should I exclude him from my wedding party? Of course not! So we each had both sexes in our wedding lines. We called the two signing our certificates "Attendants of Honor." We did not call any of them bridesmaids or groomsmen. Simply Attendants.

It's your wedding. Do what you want. If you don't want a MOH, don't have one.

Do I really need a maid of honor?

Comments (11)

sweet_pea10

grace3

Related Discussions

crazylawyerchick
Original Author

joann23456

talley_sue_nyc

lindac

gellchom

LAS23

lindac

sweet_pea10

cali4dawn

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Do I really need a maid of honor?

Comments (11)

Related Discussions

crazylawyerchickOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

crazylawyerchick
Original Author