It sounds like, from your post, that you are having a hard time with not being the only influence in your daughter's life. I'm sure that, right now, things are still new with her SF and she's eating up the attention. It sounds like he's wonderful for your family and that you just have some insecurity issues.

I would talk to your DH and ask him to come up with some things to do that involve the 3 you and have him talk it up to DD. But be careful because you don't want him to think you're mad at him for loving your DD. He might back WAY off and hurt your DD in the process. If I were in your shoes, I would be so estatic that she loves him and he loves her. It's so rare to find that bond right off the bat. My BF pretty much didn't involve himself with my DS for almost 4 years. It hurt a lot. But once they got past their barriers, they were able to develop a really cool relationship that I admire.

Also, let them have something in common that doesn't involve you. Just 1 or 2 things. My BF helps my DS make his lunch every night. I completely stay out of it. They also watch sports together, which I will sometimes join, but mostly I stand back and smile.

Keep your head up! She's not excluding you and she's not choosing him over you. She's just excited for the different type of affection, attention and perspective that she gets from having a father-figure around.

My thought is this... your daughter has been hungry for a father figure for quite a while, now she has one and she is eating it up! (and I don't think this is a bad thing) I think that after the newness wears off things will settle down and you will have more time with her. Try and think on the bright side some steps an step parents can't even be in the same room without a fight, so it could be worse!!
I will say that I think you should tell DH you want to be included in things that they are doing.
Do they leave you and go places a lot on their own??

I can identify with what you are saying. My former husband was not an involved father at all. My current husband is the exact opposite and my children adore him. I think I have probably felt that pang of jealousy occasionally b/c my children always relied on ME, and now they have someone else in their lives. While I am VERY happy about that, occasionally I guess I feel sort of...hmmmm...misplaced? I think what you are feeling is normal and it will probably go away. It sounds to me like you and your daughter are very fortunate indeed! :)

Keep this in mind...

Adolescent girls NEED to have close, loving relationships with their fathers. It seems to be what they base their future relationships on.

Now, birth fathers are the preferred parent to model appropriate behavior for their daughters, BUT ONLY if they are healthy (emotionally, mentally, etc.), which it sounds like her father is/was not. So, likely she will learn more of this important stuff from stepdad. Studies have shown that teenage girls with close, connected bonds with dad have a significantly lower incidence of drug/alcohol use & abuse, unintentional pregnancy, and depression.

So, even thought it feels like she is shutting you out, try and see the big picture, and how important this relationship that she is forging with stepdad really is. It will pay off in spades later in life.

Can you be more specific when you say 'bonded'?
Is it like the two of them vs Mom? Does your DH act like a parent or a friend, leaving you with the responsibility and making you feel like an outsider? We all want our kids to get along with our spouses, but I personally would feel uncomfortable if my DH chose to play friend rather than parent.
I do not know if this is what you mean.

My daughter was 14 when I met my DH. She's 18 now. Her father has never been in her life and she's always relied only on me (mama's girl too). She wanted a 'father/daughter' relationship too, but it's strange to me that a teen would 'bond' with a step dad the way you describe. My daughter has eased into it, and I know all kids are different so, not knowing yours, I can't say anything, other than I find it strange.

I'm in no way paranoid, but I would be (and have always been) cautious of men that are eager to be in a relationship with someone that has kids... It comes with the territory of being a single mom. I think it's even more important when you have a daughter. I'd want to know: 1) does he have children of his own? and if so, what's his relationship like with them? 2) why didn't it go over very well when you tried to discuss it.

You should not feel shut out or jealous. I find that very strange. It could be like you say, your daughter wants a father/daughter bond... or she could be a teen with a crush on him... or it could be something much worse. But, it should be something you can talk about.

I agree with IMA, IRL I know 2 Stepdads who have been great to teenage SDs, BUT, they also treated the mom great and there were no jealousy issues.

I think its normal to be a jealous and you feel left out. Plus you took alot of pride being the only one in your daughters life and now she is taking someone else. I know my husband gets jealous when i speak to his daughter onthe phone. We had a conversation last week and i saw it for the second time. At first i thought...no way.. then when i saw it last week i was taken aback. Its ok to be jealous. Those feelings will subside. Its wrong if they do not and you become spiteful.
So speak with your dh and do things all together so you do not feel left out. Bonding is important from all angles. And also put in alone time again with your daughter...go shopping ! or go do your nails together.

what Ima & kkny said.

An old friend, retired law enforcement, once told me that any woman with children at home should *never* marry until she had had a complete background check, including interviews with family, friends, co-workers, etc., on her fiance.

He said if the guy applied for a govt security clearance, he'd have to go through this, so if he's going to live in your house with your children, you should get the same information.

I would be very suspicious of this DH, especially with a teen daughter. You should have a reason to feel paranoid, afterall he might be trying to groom her and GOD only knows what comes next.

A bit of jealousy is a normal thing. But remember that a close and loving relationship between your husband and daughter is the absolute best thing in the world for her, for him, for you, and for your marriage.

Try to keep an open heart and open eyes --
Hope for the best and encourage a close relationship, but also be sure you're not blind to anything that might be inappropriate. I wouldn't go so far as to be 'suspicious' or mention anything to anybody, but rather just rely on your gut instincts as a mother.

As far as joining in, I wouldn't insist on participating in everything StepDad and DD do, but rather be sure there are some Mom and DD activities, some SD and DD activities, and some whole family activities too.