MIStepMom thanks, you hit it right on the nail, my emotions are poring out over this forum for some help, I seem to not be asking for advice on how to deal with vindictive people the right way, soooo many are only seeing stepmoms side of things, but you see that there are more sides than the primary custodial's side. "And for goodness sake, stop worrying about yourself so much" What I do worry about is what my child is seeing happening between my exhusband-stepmom and I. and how this is truly affecting him, I worry that them being so vindictive is hurting my child, just as much as my move away. They really do act like my 11 year old doesnt know how they conversate with me,they act like them doing this doesnt affect him, BECAUSE ,they say, they've never done it in front of him. Really though, my child is smarter than they give him credit for, as most children are in tune to family relations, even if they dont know what to say or do about it. I know stepmom doesnt like when I call for my son, because this is how it goes, I ask hi is **** there, she says no he's out with his dad, I say politely, would you have him call me when they get back, she says sarcastically IF HE WANTS TO. This is what I'm asking help on, I mean why does she have to be so NASTY, when my child is with me for the summer, I know how important it is to talk to your child, so when they call and our child is out playing or in the shower etc. I simply say, sure I'll tell him you called and have him call you back......whats so hard about this! This is what I have to deal with in many other topics with them to. I dont see why they have to do this, is this helping our child, is this a good thing for him, is this kind of arguing going to be better for my child on a day to day or week to week basis, should I move close to him? I see so many children out there who have parents who fight over them, and to be honest my son is in a better place then them, even though he has to miss seeing me more often in order to have this somewhat peace, between his parents. I only gave up the arguing and fighting over my child, I didnt give up my child. I would love to be in dads and stepmoms shoes. The way they complain all the time that I dont do enough, seems to me like there saying its been a hassle for them to raise my child on a day to day basis, rather then a privalege! One other true example of why I feel they only want money from me and not wish to include me in my childs life: dad initially pays for all medical and sports fees, then mails me the receipts and I reimburse him half back. So one day I get a copy of a soccer kick-a-thon PLEDGE SHEET (not an actual receipt)with a note asking me to reimburse him half of his pledge, which was a measly $5 ! It's not the amount of money that bothers me so, it's the fact that dad didnt even consider informing me of a soccer kick-a-thon and ask me to make a pledge for our son....I would of loved to been asked to participate in my childs pledge....instead I get told what and when Im to pay for something and then they use, come on its for your son, its the least you can do, its only $5. I never paid it to this day, because for the first thing I wasnt included, and the second they demanded it from me, like it was part of his soccer fees, which a pledge is not part of the registration-uniforms-and gear fees. How would you feel if your ex does these kind of things to you all the time?

"From what I understand, parents who have joint custody need to agree on children's medical treatment, including psychology. Is this correct?" Sometimes, but not always. Frequently the agreement is worded so that either parent has the right to consent to whatever medical treatment he/she deems necessary and appropriate. "And for that matter we really don't see a need for SS8 to continue to see the therapist. They are both very happy and well adjusted boys." I have no trouble believing that. You probably DO see two happy and well-adjusted little boys. But please also consider the possibility that this is NOT what BioMom genuinely sees during the time they're with her. I say this because I have been in exactly the same position BioMom is in, where I thought counseling was needed and BioDad and StepMom didn't. I had DS for 90% of the time when he had homework to do, laundry and chores. I saw the difficulties he had focusing on his homework, the struggles to read. Daddy had him one evening and every other weekend, and they did not spend that time doing anything that made DS unhappy. (Like homework or reading.) If DS wanted something on Dad's time, Daddy ran out and got it for him -- So guess what? DS was never unhappy at Dad's house. At age 13, DS went to live with Dad and our custody/visitation time reversed. And guess what? Then I only saw the happy kid and Dad and StepMom finally saw the kid who had learning and attention difficulties. (Maybe I should have agreed to a change in custody early on so DS could have gotten the help they insisted he didn't need...) The irony... "we are beginning to think the psychologist is not a neutral third party with the children's best interests in mind. We would like to put a stop to the children seeing her." Not hard to see why you would come to this conclusion. And in fact, she might not be impartial, because she has only heard one side of the story. But I do find it hard to believe that she doesn't have the children's' best interests at heart. She just may have a biased view of what those 'best interests' are. Of course, you and Dad also have a biased view... Rather than seeking to terminate the therapy (which wouldn't be hard to twist against you), what about horning in on taking an active role in the therapy? In other words, what if DH were to call the therapist to express his concern that whatever issues the children are having, couldn't they be better handled if both households were on board? He could legitimately express the concern that she is only hearing one side of the story, and that the children seem to have been instructed not to tell him anything -- which has him concerned. That surely if she is going to work in the children's best interests, that she will want to hear a balanced account and a perspective from the other parent... That the parents, if working together with an independent expert, might be able to better help their children?... Just some thoughts from another angle...

BY your own words, the requirement that only one parent has the right to sign permission forms is not in the custody order. What you are attempting to have enforced is your interpretation of what the custody order should say. If it doesnt say that specifically, then legally, the school can accept a permission form signed by either parent, since you have joint legal custody. This, of course, is why you seem like the angry controlling person who feels her toes are stepped on. Its not a big deal when I read about it, and I doubt that it is a big deal to the school. THe only way it becomes a problem for them is when you, the stepmom, call up complaining about something that is perfectly legal for them to do. If I were the teacher, I would think you are a whining troublemaker, particularly since the real mom is a volunteer at the school and very involved in the childs life. In short, what I am trying to say is that I think your attitude makes the animosity between your husband and his ex worse, not better. I think you egg it on to an extent. ANd, for the sake of a six year old girl, and for the sake of your own marriage, you are going to need to get a grip on it. Being a step mom is like raising teens. DOnt sweat the small stuff. This definitely is in the small stuff category. WImom and cawfee, dont you just WISH your stepchildrens real moms were half as involved as this real mom is? There isnt anything to complain about here. Both parents are trying to stay active in the childs life. Stepmom in this case shouldnt be stirring up angry sentiments. Oh, I just came back from teacher interviews this evening with my birth sons teachers. I was there, AND his stepfather was there. His real father did a phone interview earlier today. My sons real father has no problem with my husband going to school interviews, since my son lives with us full time, and visits with his real dad. BUT if my ex had a problem, I would have gone myself and discussed what the teacher said at home later with my husband. Also, for what its worth, my husband always checks that its not an issue before he gets involved, as I check before I get involved in areas such as schooling with his children. Its not easy, but someone has to take the high road. If you dont react to little things, if you put the kid first instead of your pride, you find that it becomes much easier in time, and the children do much better. I cant imagine the six year old in this situation, confused about who gets a form and why anyone would be angry about it. Its ALWAYS easier to be angry and blame the other person, than to be placid and accomodating with people you dont like. IN the long run, its worth it .

One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family.