Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond and give me good advice. You pretty much confirmed that what we are doing is right--just "being there," keeping things light, not making a big deal out of this to DSS. KKNY, you don't know me, yet you read the worst into what I said, in the meantime, ignoring all of the clearly positive aspects of it. Perhaps I should read the worst into your post to point out that you did nothing more than take an opportunity to further what appears to be your "mission" to attack the SMs here. If you really wanted to help, as a BM, you could offer some constructive advice. But if you did that, you might actually help IMPROVE a step situation, which would REALLY run counter to your "mission," now wouldn't it?? For your information, and for anyone else who is wondering, I made the point that they are not "good enough" to make their middle school team (yes, they had try-outs and DID NOT make it) to show that this "team" they are on is just a step above "pick-up basketball" in the neighborhood. It is something they do for fun and exercise, but b-ball is not a sport that either of them particularly excel at, nor is this league something that is that important to them vs. time with their father, which they need, NOW MORE THAN EVER, IMO. It would be like DH telling them he can't do visitation one weekend b/c he has a church league b-ball game. If DH has to miss visitation for work (which almost never happens, as even though DH is a lawyer and works MANY hours a week, he puts in extra hours during the week so he can take off the weekends and be with DSSs), or if DSSs have to miss for school, church or some other activity that is really important to them, that is another matter. And this is not MY original sentiment--I am actually parroting what DH says, and HE certainly is allowed to make statements w/o having bad motives ascribed, ISN"T HE, KKNY??? The point I was trying to make is, there are some activities that really "justify" missing visitation, and others do not and are an "excuse" which is a symptom of a problem. If we suddenly agree to skip visitation everytime there is something going on that one of them could possibly do, we might as well tell them to "have a nice life" as I suggested above. I probably should have mentioned that DSSs have played in this league for years and have NEVER had a problem missing Sat. games for visitation, so it seems obvious it was an "excuse" this year. Also, they both are VERY VERY good at other things, and we support them. DSS 14's soccer team went to the state championships last year. DSS 12 has only lost a few wrestling matches IN HIS LIFE! So, when it comes to soccer and wrestling, we understand that they can't miss and work around those things. Someone mentioned "walking on eggshells" around SKs. That is the real irony of KKNY ascribing bad motives to me. For 9 years, I have gone out of my way to try not to say anything that would be upsetting to DSSs. When they do things that I would correct my son on in a minute (like eat chocolate chip cookies, brownies, etc. dropping crumbs all over the kitchen instead of over the counter, pouring a large glass of the last milk we have in the house so that there is none for anyone else) I do not say ONE WORD. I remind myself that I am glad they like my cookies, and I'm glad their drink of choice is MILK over soda. Of course, I would think nothing of telling DS 6 not to do that or anything else. But I don't want to do anything to make them feel "picked on" at our house. So it is almost LAUGHABLE to me that someone here would say I made a "dig" at DSS 14 over not being good enough to make the middle school team. Also, I feel badly for DH b/c he is truly one of the best dads one could imagine. Someone asked that recently on another thread. My DH is a wonderful DH and an amazing dad. When DSSs were little guys, he bathed them, dressed them, complete care. (He bathes our 2, does diaper changes, etc.) DSS 14 plays guitar and when his band played for his school recently, DH took the morning off work to be there. (4+ hours round trip for a 15 minute assembly, but again, he loved every minute of it.) He also takes DSSs INDIVIDUALLY on father-son weekends each summer. (For past 3 years, DSS 12 and he have gone to father-son wrestling camp; DSS 14 and he have been to father-son baseball camp and pro football Hall of fame.) DH loves to laugh and has a very witty sense of humor and always keeps things light. I just read this response to DH in its entirety and he agrees with everything I've said. I think I'm going to end this with the sentiment that the fact that DH and I are on the same page and have a STRONG, HEALTHY, HAPPY marriage will get us through this. Thanks again for all who posted on this. Have a good day.

Wow everyone, thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me. Vista the wedding itself was a small affair at our home the home that my mom lived in. It was obvious to everyone at the wedding how upset I was. The guests included my step mom parents, her 6 siblings and their spouses, my step dads immediate family, a few close family friends, and amazingly a few members of my moms family! They actually planned the wedding pretty quickly like 6 weeks start to finish. At the time I was actually a university student and I lived on campus about 2 hours away. I came home every weekend. I remember the weekend that my dad told me he was getting married. He told me in private because I am pretty sure he knew what my reaction was going to be, which was of course, sobbing. I went back to school that week and continued to come home on the weekend, hoping that maybe they wouldnt actually go through with it. Step mom didnt actually move in the house until after they were married so it was pretty easy for me to just ignore what was happening by immersing myself in school during the week and then hang out with my friends on the weekends back at home. Typical selfish teenage behavior. Since it was such a small affair, there wasnt really a lot of expectations for me to participate other than to show up- probably designed that way by my dad. I guess my dad knew me well enough to know that once the initial shock and emotions wore off, that I would eventually come around and to give me time. I dont really have a clear recollection of the weeks that followed which is a good sign I guess. She moved in our home, which looked exactly the same as the day my mom died and stayed that way until they sold the house a few years ago. There were new mementos, memories, and photos added prominently displayed next to the old ones. Vista, its obvious that you have tried to reach out to your step kids and I am sure its incredibly painful to be pushed away by them. It sounds like you have left the door open to them countless times, they just have never walked through the door. I think its important to ask yourself whether their actions are the result of bad behavior or they just learned terrible coping skills to a traumatic event like divorce. My initial thought when you said the girls burst out in tears about the wedding dresses was there was still a lot of pain from the divorce. I can empathize with that pain. I admire that you are still hopeful that they will come around and the fact that you question where you could have made some changes along the way. Have you ever asked them that? Theres probably a pretty good chance that they may not have an answer for you, but maybe someday they will. Will the door still be open? Seriously, thank you for allowing me to talk about this. Its a blessing for me. Its really made me self reflect over the past day or so and has inspired me to continue to never take for granted the people that I hold so dearly to my heart.

My husband and I have two children together. We will be paying for their tuition and books, but they will have to get jobs for the other stuff. My husband has three children with his ex-wife. (One not biologically his, so he has no legal obligation to support her, although he does still think of her as his daughter. She was the result of his ex-wife's infidelity.) Anyway, we will also pay half of their tuition and books. They are both learning disabled and one is definitely not "college material," though, so I'm not sure what our actual obligation will be. They are both a few years away from college. We will pay for school not because anyone is or feels like they are "entitled," but because we want all of our children to have as much of a head start as we can give them. I support it all 100%. I worked to put myself through college and my DH enlisted in the military. If we can make it easier on our kids than it was on us, we'll do what we can. But we won't make it too easy, if you know what I mean. There will be rules and expectations... I will support no child, step or bio, who doesn't work hard in school. No child - his, mine or ours - will be supported through college on the "eight-year plan." What we do for one, we do for the others. If we can't do for all, we won't do for any. Period. My skids do enjoy a better standard of living than my children do, from a financial standpoint, anyway, in part because I have chosen to be a SAHM and in part because their mother has always made more $$$ than my DH does, but to me, that's neither here nor there. It just is what it is. My middle SD claims that she can get anything she wants from her mother by batting her lashes and shedding a few crocodile tears, but she also knows that doesn't work with us. I'm thinking she may have problems as she gets older. My skids are basically good kids. They are more appreciative of us than they are of their mom, but I think it's because we expect it and she does not. Here is a link that might be useful: Step Lively

It seems to me that you are like two separate families living in the same house. That in her mind, it is "we" meaning her and her son, and "them" meaning you and your kids. Perhaps a counselor could help you and your wife an all of the kids to become a true family, where you are all working together as a family, caring about each other, and all following the same rules. You two need a "good" counselor to help achieve this goal, and for you and your wife to "come together" and parent these kids in a way where you feel you can trust her to be loving and fair with your children, and she can trust you to be loving and fair to Jordan. Perhaps a counselor could help you find ways to unite, such a holding family nights one night a week, where you play a short board game together or play music and sing and laugh together, and spend a few minutes having a family meeting talking about whatever the counselor says would be a healthy way to cover the families upcoming week. Anyway, as I thought about your your struggles, this is the thought that kept coming back to me. To somehow bring you and the children together as one family. I think that is how I would present it to your wife and the marriage counselor. Tell your wife that this is not working for you, or anyone in the house. Tell her that you believe that your marriage, and this family can be so much better, but that you need someone to help you both find your way to bringing this family together as one family, and coaching you both in how to accomplish this goal. Let the counselor help you learn how to handle discipline issues, and learn how to handle these situations in a way that you can both trust each other in this area. You sound like a good father, trying to do the right thing by your children and your wife. I fear that disengaging from Jordan may backfire, as it would seem easier to correct bad behavior now while he is so young, than deal with behavior that is ignored during his youth, and having these issues in a teenager that has never been dealt with.