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rehearsal dinner invitation wording

18 years ago

Hello,

I am the MOG. Making/preparing invitations for rehearsal dinner. Couple wants dress to be casual (not jeans, but not suits and fancy dresses). I am looking for suggested wording and placement of said wording on the invitation.

Thank you.

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Comments (10)

sweet_pea10
18 years ago
One name for the attire is "business casual." You might mention at the bottom of the invitation "Business casual attire requested." If you include an RSVP number, those who don't understand should be able to ask when they respond.
sweeby
18 years ago
I've also seen "dressy casual" - but what the heck does that mean?
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I agree with the others. I think you are headed for trouble if you try to rely on some "rule" for this one. This definitely varies by community. In ours, for better or worse (no pun intended!), all the out of towners are always invited to everything for the whole weekend, including the rehearsal dinner (or whatever you call the dinner the night before, which is usually a casual party). But in others, only the bridal party and their significant others, and perhaps immediate family of the bride and groom, attend the the rehearsal dinner. You will find every variation in between, too. And people DO care: in our community, it's so universal to include everyone that people would be very offended if the hosts of the party the night before the wedding didn't include all out of town guests, all relatives in both families (because they want to be with the out of town relatives), and all friends who are helping in some way (hosting a shower or party, hospitality bags, baking, etc.). The guests would feel unwelcome, the bride's family (assuming the groom's family is giving the party) would be embarrassed (and maybe even plan some sort of dinner of their own to feed their out of town guests), and people generally would at best wonder if there were some sort of feud or other problem and at worst think poorly of the hosts. But in other communities, no one would think anything was amiss at all -- in fact, they would find it overkill to have any large party other than the wedding reception itself. (Miss Manners herself thinks that all the auxilliary events have gotten way out of hand.) So it won't help to try to find a "rule" about "who gets invited." The hosts of the party -- often the groom's parents, as sheilajoyce points out, but not always -- decide whom to invite, just like any other party. But if they are in a community (geographic, ethnic, or otherwise defined) that always invites everyone, and they don't, no "rule" they read here or anywhere else is going to keep people they exclude from feeling unwelcome and thinking they are rude or cheap or both. And irrespective of your community's custom, circumstances play a role. For example, say that in your community it's customary to keep the rehearsal dinner just to the bridal party and their spouses, and perhaps a few close relatives. If there are just a couple of people in from out of town, and they don't have other friends or family to entertain them that night, why not include them, too, instead of leaving them to sit in a hotel or find their own entertainment? Use your reason and your heart and you will know whom to invite. As to your specific question about inviting grandparents, I would vote in favor of inviting them, especially if the others attending include the rest of the family, because they are in the bridal party. How are they going to feel if the rest of the family has a party without them? Besides, grandparents often seem to be sort of part of the wedding party even if they don't walk down an aisle -- lots of people buy a corsage for Grandma, for example. For many communities, weddings are very much a family event, not so focused on the bridal couple and their friends. Again, your individual family's circumstances will dictate the right answer for YOU.
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Intrestingly, I was reading the big Emily Post's Etiquette (15th edition, which is a few years old now; she's up to the 17th), and it said: "All the members of the bridal party (with the exception of ver young flower girls, pages, or ring bearers), the immediate famliies of the bride and groom, and out-of-town relatives who have arrived for the wedding are invited." Not "sometimes invited"; "are invited." In my two areas (small-town midwest, and big-city NYC), that doesn't happen. She goes on: "if facilities and finances permit, a few very close friends are often included, especially whose who come from a distance." (but then, they'd be "out of town guests," no? I sense some inconsistency) "If the clergyman is a prsonal friend, or comes from out of town, he and his wife should also be invited. "Husbands, wives, fiances, and live-in companions of the attendants go to the rehearsal dinner, but "dates" ar enot included." There are seating diagrams, etc--she treats it much like a big wedding. And though she says 'music and dancing are not at all essential.." she also says "Other[s] [rehearsal dinners] are far more elaborate. A strolling violinist or accordionist may play romantic background music, or there may be a full orchestra and after-dinner dancing." That seems way overboard to me! and, int he section on menu: "when the wedding is large and formal, the style of the rehearsal dinner is too, and the meal compares to that of any formal dinner. However such an elaborate and expensive menu is in no way necessary. If the wedding is informal and nontraditional, the menu should be also." I really disagree w/ the implication that the rehearsal dinner *should* be formal if the wedding is. A contrast in tone is kind of nice. And all this sort of implies a fanciness and a scale that I think is too likely to compete w/ the rehearsal dinner. But I think for our OP, the fact that the hostess is worried about it being too big and too expensive, that recruiting someone else to organize outings, etc., is a better idea.
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talley_sue_nyc
18 years ago
If I were invited to the rehearsal dinner, I'd expect the attire to be a nice enough dress, or nice pants, for the women, and sports jackets or nice shirts & pants for the men.

So I'd probably just leave off any mention of formality of attire. In my circles, nobody is going to show up in jeans, and nobody is going to show up in a black suit or long dress or cocktail gown.

They'll come in whatever they wore to work, or maybe they'll spiff up slightly.

Maybe your circles would need more guidance; if so, "semiformal" if the official terminology. Emily Post has this explanation:

"'Semiformal' on invitations to a party means "no jeans or T-shirts." Women wear dresses or "good" slacks--men wear sport shirts and slacks rather than jeans."
sweet_pea10
18 years ago
Unfortunately, today the younger generation and some of the older ones as well, will show up, even at a wedding held in a cathedral, wearing jeans and even shorts. Perhaps they were raised without an awareness of proper dress and protocol. I have had older couples show up at a sit-down dinner reception dressed in shorts looking like they just got into town after a long car trip. I have also had guests banned from entrance to weddings held at country clubs and other social clubs because they were improperly dressed. It seems that today, anything goes and people don't take the time to show respect for their hosts by dressing appropriately.
gellchom
18 years ago
Sweeby, I hate "dressy casual"! To me, that translates to, "Casual, but we don't trust you not to show up in ripped jeans and a filthy T-shirt."

sweet pea says that that is indeed what some people do. Well, maybe so -- but (especially given that those people probably would dress that way no matter WHAT you put on the invitation) I wouldn't insult the other guests by indicating that assumption.

Personally, I don't think I'd write anything other than "black tie," "dressy," or "casual," on an invitation, and and I really hate "original" things like "festive casual" or "celebratory attire" -- they are just plain confusing, and they sound like the hosts are trying too hard. We recently went to a wedding the invitation to which said, "No neckties!" I know the couple wanted it casual, and they probably thought the wording was cute, but I felt that was just plain bossy and controlling. Some of the older male guests (including the groom's father) feel very uncomfortable NOT wearing a tie to even a casual event (not a picnic or softball game, but you know what I mean). They could just have written "casual" and everyone would have dressed appropriately, and if some men wore ties, so what? Beats antagonizing your guests before the wedding even starts. You can dress your bridal party to match (and, ironically, they DIDN'T), but not your guests!

In fact, I am more and more not writing anything at all. The style of the invitation and the time, type, and location of the event really give anyone who cares all the information they need.

Suppose you got an invitation with paper and font that are pretty but dignified, a (readable) script font, and fairly formal wording:

Please join us for
Rehearsal dinner
Saturday, June 31
7:30 pm
La Palma Ristorante / at our home
123 Main Street
AnyTown
Muriel and Waldo Quilter
RSVP: (000) 555-1212

or this one, on day-glo paper with a border of balloons and a goofy font:

WOW!!!
With just 24 hours to go, let's pull out all the stops and have a bash in honor of Petunia and Cuthbert!
Clambake -n- kegger
Saturday, June 31
Party Beach
7:30 p.m.-???

Wouldn't you know how to dress for each of these parties, without being given a dress code?

For your party, quilter, I would either write nothing regarding dress, or, if you feel that it is still ambiguous (like if it's at a home), then I would write "casual." If the invitation is anything but ultra-casual, people will know to dress decently. No one is going to wear dressy party clothes. If someone wears nice jeans and a nice top, and someone else is in a suit, it isn't a disaster -- after all, you might very well see both at a good restaurant. The guests don't have to match each other exactly, and you don't want to risk casting a pall on your party by appearing overly controlling of the guests' clothes.
kdias51_hotmail_com
15 years ago
HELP - For my son's rehearsal dinner I want to ask guests to bring a written memory (I am supplying the "ornament") to hang on a Memory Tree...I want to write something cute asking this but my mind is totally blank...any ideas greatly appreciated....
gellchom
15 years ago
Future MIL, that is a WONDERFUL idea. Do you mind if I borrow it for my son's rehearsal dinner?

You know, I think you are better off not having "cute" wording for your request. It is a lovely, sweet, moving idea. Cute very quickly becomes cutesy, and it also can get confusing when clarity is sacrificed for gimmick.

I would just put a note on the invitation something like this:

Please use the enclosed ornament to record a favorite or funny memory about Cuthbert or Petunia for a "Memory Tree."

I think that it will be perfectly obvious.

A warning: although I LOVE something like this, it's surprising how many people just won't do it. My husband did a similar thing for my 50th birthday (an album, not a tree). A few of my closest friends didn't send anything, and some people I hardly know went to the trouble of writing poems, doing funny mock-ups, etc. Anyway, for those people who are reluctant or self-conscious, cute wording is just going to put them off even more (they will find it pushy).
Laurie
15 years ago
I agree with gellchom...it's a great idea and you should keep the wording simple and direct.

What type of ornament were you thinking about using?
The first image that came to my mind was a round (or any other shape) plastic or metal ornament that opens up so that a folded piece of paper could be put inside.

If you want, you could request that the guests mail you their memory so that you could insert them into the ornaments ahead of time. At the rehearsal dinner you could have a few extra ornaments on hand in case some guests bring their memory with them. Also, have some papers and a pen near the tree so guests who totally forgot, could write one out at the venue.
One other idea...you could remind them to sign their name.
90% of the memories will not need names. BUT, I could see the bride & groom reading a couple of them and tipping their heads and saying "Who wrote this?"
colleenoz
15 years ago
I must admit, my first thought was, "Nooooo, not "cute"." I'm in the "just say it" camp :-)
The idea itself is good, if you know the bride and groom would appreciate it. Another option if you think the ornaments might end up in a box in the attic is a memory book.
gellchom
15 years ago
Oh, right, have them send them ahead of time, or at least send them the blank "ornament" in advance to bring with them. They will write much better stuff if they have some time, and some will even decorate them creatively.

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