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rehearsal dinner invitation wording

15 years ago

Hello,

I am the MOG. Making/preparing invitations for rehearsal dinner. Couple wants dress to be casual (not jeans, but not suits and fancy dresses). I am looking for suggested wording and placement of said wording on the invitation.

Thank you.

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Comments (10)

sweet_pea10
15 years ago
One name for the attire is "business casual." You might mention at the bottom of the invitation "Business casual attire requested." If you include an RSVP number, those who don't understand should be able to ask when they respond.
sweeby
15 years ago
I've also seen "dressy casual" - but what the heck does that mean?
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LOL! Well, Melvalena, I hope you won't be disappointed. This was from the decorating forum, not the wedding forum, so with apologies to the others for the off-topic post, here is your answer. **** Origin of the term: When we bought our house, it had a big, beautiful living room right in the center of the house, a lovely little study in the front, an enormous family room in the back, and no dining room (the previous 2 owners didn't cook). We use a dining room a lot, often for big groups, and although we used our living room in our old house, we realized that we mostly used the small space in the middle. So we turned the living room into a dining room, and the little front study into a ... what to call it? It serves the function of a living room, but it's too small (about 11 x 12) to call it that, and I just couldn't get myself to say "parlor." My daughter (then 11) named it the "schmooze room," because, she said, "That's where the adults will go to schmooze after dinner." ("Schmooze" is Yiddish for "chat.") When, years ago, I asked the decorating forum for advice on decorating it, the term kind of caught on, and a few other posters now have schmooze rooms, too, and developed a sort of philosophy about it. It seems a lot of people (who are lucky enough to have the space for it) like having a lovely and/or goofy little retreat of a room that doesn't have to be so practical. The (tongue in cheek) guidelines are these: - No computer, TV, or most other electronic items (opinion is divided on radio/stereo, with some people saying it depends on the type of music). This is a room for conversation, reading, and long, schmoozy phone calls (IF you bring a cordless in from another room -- no phone plugged in there). - No leaving anything here. This room always looks nice, even if everyplace gets cluttered. - Try to make any snacks or beverages you bring in special, or at least in a decent dish. No bags of chips. - As this room isn't a heavy use room like a kitchen or bath, it's a good place to be a little impractical, idiosyncratic, and whimsical (like fringe near the ceiling) in your decorating. E.g., this is the place to choose fabrics because the color or texture thrills you, not because they will be durable or not show grease stains (see previous guideline), and bold colors that you adore but that you might be afraid you'd get sick of if they were in the kitchen. - Preferably located out of earshot of TV and children. Children welcome, but for non-messy, grown-up behavior only (no running, fighting, or art projects). Pet rules depend upon how well your pet obeys rules! Lots of people (especially Monablair) on the decorating forum helped, and I feel their presence whenever I am in there. Here are a few pictures of our schmooze room (the artwork is different now, and the colors aren't QUITE as vivid as they appear in the photos).
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Around here, the wedding party (and spouses, and often whole families) and all the out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner (and any other "auxilliary" events). If a lot of the out-of-town guests are relatives, they and the in-town relatives are going to want to be together, so people invite the in-town relatives, too (I guess if that is a zillion people, you could limit to close relatives). In fact, in our community, the whole point isn't so much a "rehearsal" as a less fancy, fun way to entertain the out-of-towners, usually hosted by the groom's family, to allow them a chance to be the hosts. It's usually really fun -- lots of toasts and funny stories (that would really bog a wedding reception down if they went on too long) and getting to know each other. It's nice to invite the officiant, but you don't have to. I am a clergy wife, and I can tell you that we are pleased to be invited and not offended if we aren't -- the opposite of the wedding and reception itself, by the way, to which you really should invite the officiant and spouse, especially if it is the clergy from your congregation as opposed to, say, a JP you hire for the day and didn't even know. Don't worry -- at least in our case, we don't attend anywhere near every rehearsal dinner or reception to which we are invited; just the ones where we feel close to the family and think we probably would have been invited "anyway." You don't need to invite your caterer, photographer, or other vendors, although of course you can if you want. I guess the difference is that the officiant is sort of a member of the wedding party.
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I like the "closest circle" idea--the folks who ALREADY have to come to the rehearsal (wedding-party members), and the IMMEDIATE familiy of bride and groom (parents, sisters, brothers). It's nice, of course, to have others who would otherwise be sitting in hotel rooms, but that robs the wedding party (presumably the B&G's most intimate circle) of the intimate party. It's not rude to not invite people to a party, even if they know about it, and even if they don't have specific plans. (And, I kind of like having that time w/ aunts, uncles, cousins, instead of 'making nice' w/ the bride's girlfriends whom I don't know) My cousin invited us to join them for drinks AFTER the rehearsal dinner--it was nice. But totally not necessary, and actually a bit more fuss than was necessary. The BEST part of that evening was us cousins and aunts and uncles going out to dinner with EACH OTHER. For our wedding, we invited EVERYBODY from out of town, but then, everybody who attended WAS from way out of town, and it made for a nice "getting to know everyone" barbecue. Since we could mill around, and chat in the twilight, it was nice. I don't think it would have been as fun and enriching if we'd all been trapped at long restaurant tables. I say, keep it small. If you WANT to extend it to out-of-town guests, only include people who would otherwise be in their hotel rooms. If you want to skip them, you could ask the "coolest" of the aunts to host an alternate event that evening, time for the other folks to spend together.
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Comments (3)
I agree with the others. I think you are headed for trouble if you try to rely on some "rule" for this one. This definitely varies by community. In ours, for better or worse (no pun intended!), all the out of towners are always invited to everything for the whole weekend, including the rehearsal dinner (or whatever you call the dinner the night before, which is usually a casual party). But in others, only the bridal party and their significant others, and perhaps immediate family of the bride and groom, attend the the rehearsal dinner. You will find every variation in between, too. And people DO care: in our community, it's so universal to include everyone that people would be very offended if the hosts of the party the night before the wedding didn't include all out of town guests, all relatives in both families (because they want to be with the out of town relatives), and all friends who are helping in some way (hosting a shower or party, hospitality bags, baking, etc.). The guests would feel unwelcome, the bride's family (assuming the groom's family is giving the party) would be embarrassed (and maybe even plan some sort of dinner of their own to feed their out of town guests), and people generally would at best wonder if there were some sort of feud or other problem and at worst think poorly of the hosts. But in other communities, no one would think anything was amiss at all -- in fact, they would find it overkill to have any large party other than the wedding reception itself. (Miss Manners herself thinks that all the auxilliary events have gotten way out of hand.) So it won't help to try to find a "rule" about "who gets invited." The hosts of the party -- often the groom's parents, as sheilajoyce points out, but not always -- decide whom to invite, just like any other party. But if they are in a community (geographic, ethnic, or otherwise defined) that always invites everyone, and they don't, no "rule" they read here or anywhere else is going to keep people they exclude from feeling unwelcome and thinking they are rude or cheap or both. And irrespective of your community's custom, circumstances play a role. For example, say that in your community it's customary to keep the rehearsal dinner just to the bridal party and their spouses, and perhaps a few close relatives. If there are just a couple of people in from out of town, and they don't have other friends or family to entertain them that night, why not include them, too, instead of leaving them to sit in a hotel or find their own entertainment? Use your reason and your heart and you will know whom to invite. As to your specific question about inviting grandparents, I would vote in favor of inviting them, especially if the others attending include the rest of the family, because they are in the bridal party. How are they going to feel if the rest of the family has a party without them? Besides, grandparents often seem to be sort of part of the wedding party even if they don't walk down an aisle -- lots of people buy a corsage for Grandma, for example. For many communities, weddings are very much a family event, not so focused on the bridal couple and their friends. Again, your individual family's circumstances will dictate the right answer for YOU.
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talley_sue_nyc
15 years ago
If I were invited to the rehearsal dinner, I'd expect the attire to be a nice enough dress, or nice pants, for the women, and sports jackets or nice shirts & pants for the men.

So I'd probably just leave off any mention of formality of attire. In my circles, nobody is going to show up in jeans, and nobody is going to show up in a black suit or long dress or cocktail gown.

They'll come in whatever they wore to work, or maybe they'll spiff up slightly.

Maybe your circles would need more guidance; if so, "semiformal" if the official terminology. Emily Post has this explanation:

"'Semiformal' on invitations to a party means "no jeans or T-shirts." Women wear dresses or "good" slacks--men wear sport shirts and slacks rather than jeans."
sweet_pea10
15 years ago
Unfortunately, today the younger generation and some of the older ones as well, will show up, even at a wedding held in a cathedral, wearing jeans and even shorts. Perhaps they were raised without an awareness of proper dress and protocol. I have had older couples show up at a sit-down dinner reception dressed in shorts looking like they just got into town after a long car trip. I have also had guests banned from entrance to weddings held at country clubs and other social clubs because they were improperly dressed. It seems that today, anything goes and people don't take the time to show respect for their hosts by dressing appropriately.
gellchom
15 years ago
Sweeby, I hate "dressy casual"! To me, that translates to, "Casual, but we don't trust you not to show up in ripped jeans and a filthy T-shirt."

sweet pea says that that is indeed what some people do. Well, maybe so -- but (especially given that those people probably would dress that way no matter WHAT you put on the invitation) I wouldn't insult the other guests by indicating that assumption.

Personally, I don't think I'd write anything other than "black tie," "dressy," or "casual," on an invitation, and and I really hate "original" things like "festive casual" or "celebratory attire" -- they are just plain confusing, and they sound like the hosts are trying too hard. We recently went to a wedding the invitation to which said, "No neckties!" I know the couple wanted it casual, and they probably thought the wording was cute, but I felt that was just plain bossy and controlling. Some of the older male guests (including the groom's father) feel very uncomfortable NOT wearing a tie to even a casual event (not a picnic or softball game, but you know what I mean). They could just have written "casual" and everyone would have dressed appropriately, and if some men wore ties, so what? Beats antagonizing your guests before the wedding even starts. You can dress your bridal party to match (and, ironically, they DIDN'T), but not your guests!

In fact, I am more and more not writing anything at all. The style of the invitation and the time, type, and location of the event really give anyone who cares all the information they need.

Suppose you got an invitation with paper and font that are pretty but dignified, a (readable) script font, and fairly formal wording:

Please join us for
Rehearsal dinner
Saturday, June 31
7:30 pm
La Palma Ristorante / at our home
123 Main Street
AnyTown
Muriel and Waldo Quilter
RSVP: (000) 555-1212

or this one, on day-glo paper with a border of balloons and a goofy font:

WOW!!!
With just 24 hours to go, let's pull out all the stops and have a bash in honor of Petunia and Cuthbert!
Clambake -n- kegger
Saturday, June 31
Party Beach
7:30 p.m.-???

Wouldn't you know how to dress for each of these parties, without being given a dress code?

For your party, quilter, I would either write nothing regarding dress, or, if you feel that it is still ambiguous (like if it's at a home), then I would write "casual." If the invitation is anything but ultra-casual, people will know to dress decently. No one is going to wear dressy party clothes. If someone wears nice jeans and a nice top, and someone else is in a suit, it isn't a disaster -- after all, you might very well see both at a good restaurant. The guests don't have to match each other exactly, and you don't want to risk casting a pall on your party by appearing overly controlling of the guests' clothes.
kdias51_hotmail_com
13 years ago
HELP - For my son's rehearsal dinner I want to ask guests to bring a written memory (I am supplying the "ornament") to hang on a Memory Tree...I want to write something cute asking this but my mind is totally blank...any ideas greatly appreciated....
gellchom
13 years ago
Future MIL, that is a WONDERFUL idea. Do you mind if I borrow it for my son's rehearsal dinner?

You know, I think you are better off not having "cute" wording for your request. It is a lovely, sweet, moving idea. Cute very quickly becomes cutesy, and it also can get confusing when clarity is sacrificed for gimmick.

I would just put a note on the invitation something like this:

Please use the enclosed ornament to record a favorite or funny memory about Cuthbert or Petunia for a "Memory Tree."

I think that it will be perfectly obvious.

A warning: although I LOVE something like this, it's surprising how many people just won't do it. My husband did a similar thing for my 50th birthday (an album, not a tree). A few of my closest friends didn't send anything, and some people I hardly know went to the trouble of writing poems, doing funny mock-ups, etc. Anyway, for those people who are reluctant or self-conscious, cute wording is just going to put them off even more (they will find it pushy).
Laurie
13 years ago
I agree with gellchom...it's a great idea and you should keep the wording simple and direct.

What type of ornament were you thinking about using?
The first image that came to my mind was a round (or any other shape) plastic or metal ornament that opens up so that a folded piece of paper could be put inside.

If you want, you could request that the guests mail you their memory so that you could insert them into the ornaments ahead of time. At the rehearsal dinner you could have a few extra ornaments on hand in case some guests bring their memory with them. Also, have some papers and a pen near the tree so guests who totally forgot, could write one out at the venue.
One other idea...you could remind them to sign their name.
90% of the memories will not need names. BUT, I could see the bride & groom reading a couple of them and tipping their heads and saying "Who wrote this?"
colleenoz
13 years ago
I must admit, my first thought was, "Nooooo, not "cute"." I'm in the "just say it" camp :-)
The idea itself is good, if you know the bride and groom would appreciate it. Another option if you think the ornaments might end up in a box in the attic is a memory book.
gellchom
13 years ago
Oh, right, have them send them ahead of time, or at least send them the blank "ornament" in advance to bring with them. They will write much better stuff if they have some time, and some will even decorate them creatively.

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