His depression hit a matter of months before he left. He did become irritable and somewhat distant and started sleeping excessively, and once his affair began he was home somewhat less - but until he left he was still spending time with the kids, reading them bedtime stories, etc. For a couple of months after he left he was coming to visit them once or twice a week while I went out - I will never forget the look on our little daughter's face the last time she asked him to read her a bedtime story right after I returned home one evening and much to everyone's shock he said no, he didn't have time - there were, after that, no more bedtime stories from him.

If you were wondering whether he was young when we had kids, no, he was 30 when our first was born, and he left when he was 49. TOW is close in age to him.

Yes, I do tell my kids that he was a wonderful father when they were young, and of course the older ones remember that.

OK, that clears up some things, thank you.

(And I'm glad to hear you share the good guy he used to be with your kids too, not just the bits about that he's a jerk now)

ceph, being in a relationship with alcoholic I can tell you that people do things that neither they themselves expected to do nor they loved ones ever imagine them doing. I believe it is true about any addiction or any mental illness or any emotional disturbance or any major stress etc, you'd be surprised how people's actions change. Life is rather complicated.

I dont understand what type of depression this is...I get sleeping excessively, but depression usually is accompanied by loss of interest in hobbies, family ,job, what you would get joy from...Cant picture a depressed person hauling butt out of bed, dressing up, putting on cologne, meeting new people and acting charming at this low point to troll a new person into your life...Makes NO sense to me...I have always thought depression is wanting to be left alone....You dont even even want interaction with the dog, let alone a new person in your life...Where would that energy come from????

dotz sometimes depressed people do not feel any motivation or stimulaiton in a regular daily life. so they seek something what will keep them stimulated and feel better. It could be drugs, alcohol, working too much, and having sex. They use whatever they can find to make themselves feel better. They lose interest in everything they have and it makes them feel miserable so they seek somehting what would make them feel good even for a short time.

and there are manic-depressive ones. that's entirelly different story. one month they cannot get out of bed and then next month run around looking for craziness.

Please note the 4th bullet:

"In both men and women, common signs and symptoms of depression include feeling down in the dumps, sleeping poorly, and feeling sad, guilty and worthless. Men with depression, however, have bouts of crying less often than do women with depression.

Other symptoms of male depression often include:

* Anger and frustration
* Violent behavior
* Losing weight without trying
* Taking risks, such as reckless driving and extramarital sex
* Loss of concentration
* Isolation from family and friends
* Avoiding pleasurable activities
* Fatigue
* Loss of interest in work, hobbies and sex
* Alcohol or substance abuse
* Misuse of prescription medication
* Thoughts of suicide

In addition, men often aren't aware that physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain, can be symptoms of male depression."

from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/male-depression/MC00041

Please notice the 9th bullet loss of interest in job, hobbies and sex.....

And your point would be?

I googled the "4th bullet"

Came up with these

Bi-polar
Depression
Post-partum depression in men

"3rd bullet"
Cancer

the "9th bullet"
PTSD
Depression

Any of those alone are not depression you cannot pick one out and say yep they are/were depressed.

Of course not, but when someone displays more than half of the symptoms, that is a pretty good indication that it is depression.

"* Taking risks, such as reckless driving and extramarital sex"

My interpretation of this is someone that has affairs as a 'risk' and not someone that has an affair that leads to a new marriage. A risky affair is one that he wouldn't want his wife to find out about, he's doing it for the thrill that FD is talking about (the thrill of getting away with it or not getting caught, or because it's with someone that is more exciting or brings excitement into his life, etc.).

Telling his wife about his affair and leaving her and marrying the other woman is not what I would think is risky or for the thrill of it. I don't see a connection at all.

Oh for Pete's sake. He didn't start out planning to leave his family and marry the woman. Any affair "brings excitement" into a person's life. Of course he didn't want me to find out about it - not when it first started, and not months later either.

affairs usually take a long time before people decide to leave their marriage. it starts as excitement but then hwo knows what it grows into. and needless to say these people usually leave their next marriage too because excitement usually wears off (unless there is money involved as in TOS's EX issue, people will do a lot of things for financial secuiry-leaving marriages as well as staying in marriages).

Sorry TOS - didn't mean to get you picked on!
I really just wanted to know what order things came in and what ages he and TOW were, to clear a few things up in my head.

The *connection* from a risky affair to leaving the wife and marrying the other woman can be as simple as the change that a person goes through when they suffer an episode of mental illness, as well as being more easily influenced while ill. The Person is rarely ever the same. The new situation Simply becomes *normal* to them.
And as Finedreams pointed out, in TOS's case there were also other factors such as money. And yes greed has busted many a seemingly good marriage and left many a woman wondering what went wrong.