Gee TOS, does that mean when SD was angry at her mom for leaving and writing "I hate mom" notes, she should have been supported in hating her mom???

You really are a piece of work or something else.

No, learning what a useless piece of waste someone is, if true, is not punishing a child, though that is an insult rather than a matter of record.

It is obvious that you know nothing about how a child's mind works. I work with children for the Florida Early Learning Coalition and the top thing the experts say NOT to do is talk bad about the child(ren)'s other parent in front of them.

It is confusing to younger children, causes them to feel guilt and in the end will make the child resent the parent doing the trash talking not matter what the situation.

I would NEVER tell the girls what a pile of S* their mother is. She IS still their mother and they love her.I will not LIE for her but there is no reason to indulge kids with the nasty details of why the relationship tanked except for your own satisaction and/or hidden agenda.

I think I have a fairly strong academic background in child development, not to mention almost thirty years of child raising experience.

The "experts" also say that you should never lie to your children.

I would never raise my children in an atmosphere of elephants in the living room, family secrets, and "white" lies. That would benefit no one.

How on earth do you "know" how your daughter feels deep down? That is rather presumptuous.

Yes, if your SD says she hates her mom, you should not try to tell her that she doesn't. That doesn't mean you should say, "Of course you do; anyone with half a brain would hate her."

I actually semi-agree with TOS in this: Yes, if your SD says she hates her mom, you should not try to tell her that she doesn't. That doesn't mean you should say, "Of course you do; anyone with half a brain would hate her."

To say the latter would be destructive to everyone's relationships and generally unfeeling.
The say the former invalidates her feelings.

I think my vote would be to say something along the lines of "I know your feelings are hurt and that you're really angry at your mom right now, but it's not good to say things like that about family members. Words that harsh are hard to take back and usually make things worse in the long run. Maybe when you talk about Mom, you should try to say why you're upset and how it makes you feel, instead of that you hate her."

Not lying to your children is not the same as telling them the 'truth' as YOU see it. What if you tell your children the 'truth' that dad had an affair. Then your exH could tell them HIS 'truth' that you were lousy in bed. or that he couldn't take living with you anymore because you made life unbearable. or whatever else he might have felt as HIS truth.

So, do tell... how would you support a child hating their other parent??? If not through words, then how??

and I do know how my daughter feels 'deep down' because she has talked to me. She has TOLD me that she's afraid of him hurting her. She was making plans to see him in May but has backed out and stopped taking his calls. She's told me why. I've also told him why. That's why she started going to counseling. I don't 'presume' anything. I communicate.

Basically, what we told her is that it's okay to be angry. Her counselor added that anyone in her position would be angry. We didn't 'invalidate' her feelings but we certainly don't feel that it's our place to support a child that 'hates' because children (of any age) go through a variety of feelings that often, they don't even understand. They say things they don't necessarily mean when they are hurt.

You support a child (or an adult) but not invalidating their feelings, by not telling them that the don't/shouldn't really hate whomever. Of course your daughter is afraid he will hurt her - that fear is certainly not unreasonable. Maybe refusing to take his phone calls is the smart thing to do. I don't know how you can jump from the statement that she is afraid he will hurt her to the assumption that she really wants him in her life. Maybe she doesn't want him in her life if she has to spend that life waiting for him to hurt her again. She is 17 (right?), and it is her decision.

TOS

There is a HUGE difference between telling the truth and indulging details. You know this. My girls are 4. I'm not telling them their mother has more important things to do than see them or that she tried to kill herself when she was 20 or that she has a drug dependancy.

Thats why we have custody. The BioMom is (gasp) an unfit parent. When the girls get old enough to understand they will figure it out. I am not going to drop that kindof bomb on two four year old little girls. I don't care how crazy,jealous or nasty that woman gets. She unfortunatly is my girls mother and they STILL love her. Proof that just because you CAN have children doesn't mean you DESERVE to.

It frustrates me to no end how the girls love her sooo much and she is totally not worthy but still I would NEVER call mommy out infront of the girls. It would very much hurt them and I (being a good MOTHER) would never do anything that I know would hurt them.

I didn't need my degree to figure out that talking trash about mommy hurts the babies. That's more than I can say for Bio Mom because she sure talks trash about me.

"You" shouldn't be telling the girls anything. Their father should be, in words they can understand (I assume they would not understand the words "drug dependency"). If she is addicted to drugs, that has a definite impact on her relationship with them, and they should know about her addiction.

I don't think anyone should tell a 4 year old that their mother is a druggy. I think it should be told when the child is old enough to understand what drug dependency is. Doodleboo, you sound like a very caring mom to your girls, yes, you earned that Mom title. I can tell you love them in your writing. I think they are so lucky to have you in their lives, just as you are to have them.

Two four year olds should be explained to that there mother is fighting a drug addiction? They wouldn't understand. They would question BM and then she would throw a TANTRUM that we told them. They will be told when we decide they are old enough to understand and not in a way that is "giving them the truth" about their mother.

As far as me not telling them anything, My husband calls these girls our children. The girls come mostly to me with questions they ever have mainly because they view me as a nuetral. I'm a female figure they can connect with.

We don't do the whole "These are my kids you stay out of it" in our home. I treat them as my own becase I love them and I fill ALL the parental roles for them since their mother is in and out of the picture due to her issues.

I have grown sooo attached to this girls in the past few years that its almost scary. It IS totally scary to care so much for a person that if something ever happened to them you don't know if you could survive.

Thats why it honestly hurts my heart when ever mom pulls her stunts. I don't think she can help it though. She is sick and struggling which obviously is why we have the girls. I still cant help but want to slap her and scream SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! YOU HAVE TWO GIRLS WHO LOVE AND NEED YOU!!!! It is beyond frustrating.

In the end all you can do is love them, be there for them and hope they turn out all right despite the drama. I'd hate for these girls to wind up jadded.

If anything ever happened to me & my DH, I would pray that he would find someone as special as you to help him with our children. My little girl's Dad had a wonderful gf & I appreciated her much more than I did him. She encouraged his participation in my little girl's life. He was an idiot for not marrying her. I think there is a special place in Heaven for those who care for children, not just theirs of their womb, but like SM/SD or foster parents. Good ones ofcourse! Not those wicked ones.

""You" shouldn't be telling the girls anything. Their father should be, in words they can understand (I assume they would not understand the words "drug dependency"). If she is addicted to drugs, that has a definite impact on her relationship with them, and they should know about her addiction. "

Besides the fact that it is ridiculous to tell 4 year olds about drug addictions, why would it matter which parent told them? The dad, or the woman they know as mom?

I love how bm's on here like TOS just cringe when they hear of a stepmom having a say in a childs life. Do they not see the word MOM in stepMOM? If stepparents were not supposed to act as parents then why do they have the word PARENT in the title? I agree a stepparents involvement depends on how often they see the child. In the case of stepparents whose stepchildren live with them, I see no difference between that stepparents role and the role of a parent. And if a ncp choses not to be an active part in their childs life through calls and visitation, well then it is only natural that the stepparent would have more say in the childs life than the ncp who choses not to be involved.

And why when you hear the word "wicked" do you immediately think of the word "stepmother?" Just because a word or phrase exists doesn't imply any "shoulds."

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of stepmother is merely:

"the wife of one's father when distinct from one's natural or legal mother"

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stepmother

that can also be interpreted to mean that the only thing it means is to make a distinction between a legal/natural mother and a non legal or non natural mother. Both are MOTHERS.

"And why when you hear the word "wicked" do you immediately think of the word "stepmother?"

really? When I hear the word wicked, I've begun to think "those trolls on GardenWeb that represent self righteous BM's.. and all the self righteous BM's they represent."

I'm thinking the phrase 'wicked stepmother' was created by a bitter, angry, insecure and jealous ex wife/BM or a stepchild that had a truly or perceived bad stepmother. (although I choose not to spend my time researching such nonsense as the origin of the phrase 'wicked stepmother') However, those of us that are biological mothers that have children that had step mother don't necessarily think all stepmothers are wicked. There are 'wicked' people. Some of those wicked people are stepmothers, but some are biological mothers and some aren't even mothers at all. (oh, and some are men too)

I am not sure how you would interpret Merriam-Webster's definition in any other way than that a stepmother is the wife of the father, when the wife of the father is not the mother of his children (i.e. when distinct from). There is nothing in that definition that implies that a stepmother is anything more than the wife of the father.

I suspect that the phrase "wicked stepmother" was created by a stepchild with a horrid stepmother - or multiple such children. It is certainly a phrase that everyone is familiar with, that has been around since long before any of us was born.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of stepmother is merely:

"the wife of one's father when distinct from one's natural or legal mother"

Heres Merriam-Websters definition of Parent:

1 a: one that begets or brings forth offspring b: a person who brings up and cares for another

I would say I am "caring" for these children.

The biological act of having children does not a mother make TOS. I am sorry. I am living the prime example. Blowing noses, wiping butts, cleaning up vomit and kissing boo boo's makes you a parent. Mother to me means YOU HAD SEX. Give you a cookie. Now show me what you can do in actually RAISING this child.

You hear stories of Biomothers drowing thier kids in tubs and sending them down the river in a car due to post-partum more than you hear about "evil stepmothers" hurting the children.

Explain that one. Apparently all Biological Mothers do not make for good parents. Again I think it depends on the people involved and the personalities as well. In my case Biomom is crazy. Diagnosed crazy not just me saying so. I think you are bitter TOS and the fact that you make such generalizations as the whole juvenile "evil stepmother" statement just proves it.

When I hear the word "wicked" I think of the skit on SNL with the characters from Boston.

A long drawn out wiiiiicked ... rather funny if I do say so myself....

TOS admit when you are wrong maybe people would have a little more respect for you.....

TOS??? its ok to bash NCP parent and alienate them from their children, tell your children all of NCP's faults ... as long as the NCP is a MALE but if its a FEMALE "mums" the word (pun intended). We get it BM's can do no wrong only BD's can suffer from depression and need to have affairs not BM's .... BD's are the only reason marriages fail has nothing to do with BM's all BM's should be hailed as saints BD's are the devil reincarnated we get it.

BD evil
SM evil
BM angels...

Everyone understand??

No matter what your SC ask of you your response should be "go ask your parent" .... when your SC are distraught over the one parent being absent you must say "go see your other parent" never console a hurt child just push them away....

TOS if you drop dead where will your child at home end up? Living with their dad and SM? Good thing you have fostered a good relationship with their father that in the event something happens to you she will have a safe warm environment to go to... GOOD JOB!!!

"You hear stories of Biomothers drowing thier kids in tubs and sending them down the river in a car due to post-partum more than you hear about "evil stepmothers" hurting the children."

Actually, I am not sure that is true. Can you direct me to a site with statistics on that? If it were true, an obvious reason would be that there are far more children, especially young ones, living with their biological mothers than with stepmothers. There is evidence that the risk of being harmed /sexually abused/killed by a stepfather/mother's boyfriend is far higher than the risk of being harmed etc. by one's own father.

I can't say what the court's would do, but if I drop dead I hope that my youngest would end up living with one of her adult sisters.

No, actually I believe it is right for the biological parents to tell children the truth, regardless of whether the CP is male or female.

So all of our husbands/BFs should sit the children down and tell them directly what a loser their mothers are????

What good would that do?

What benefit could it possibly bring to the table?

and

Then the NCP should sit the children down and explain their version of what happend?

You cannot be serious?

Do you profit from therapy?

Stocks in a psychiatrists office?

Do you work for a therapist?

Are you making sure there is a supply and demand factor so you keep getting a paycheck?

I knew you would say your adult child would take over where you left off..... (see how it works colleen!!! easy as pie)

TOS is just an evil ex-wife. She talks out of her a$$ on her most of the time. She wants to put down sm's at all costs. Whatever! I am more of a mom to my skids than their bm is. They look at me as their mother. They introduce me as "mom", not "stepmom" to their friends. I am their mom.

The bm in this case gave birth and moved on. Her fault, not mine! I am just the one doing all the mothering. When the kids grow up who do you think they will come to for advice on raising their own kids? The lady who picked up and ran or the woman who took care of them?

TOS I feel so sorry for your children that your views destroyed their relationship with their father. Just because he left you for someone less depressing does not mean he can't still be a good dad.

"I can't say what the court's would do, but if I drop dead I hope that my youngest would end up living with one of her adult sisters."

Thanks TOS, now I can see how you 'support' cutting off the other parent. I'll bet you have it in writing... Nice!!!

Ima, come on. Her X has cut off contact with all his children accept one. And that one he has an occasional meal with. Somewhat like my situation, except only one child. I have said that if I died, my DD wouLD have to go to boarding school.

She is not the one cutting off. He left her and the children, with the blessing and support of his wife.

From what I gather, the youngest is probably the child dad is still seeing... even if it's an occasional dinner. That's not abandonment, right? He still has contact and therefore a relationship with his child. (or is it only mom's that keep up minimal contact that are considered 'still involved'?) It seems that the rest of TOS's kids are legally adults, even if they are still dependent on her for college or whatnot. And why is the fact that TOS's ex's wife supports him (if it's even true) in leaving his children, being used to support her in cutting off her youngest? If it were any one of us, she'd say that we need to stay the hell out of it and leave dad to his relationship with his child. and it seems that if he is taking the child for an occasional meal, he hasn't cut off his relationship.

Yes I see the double standard. Biodads who don't come around often are awful and children should be told all their awful truths. BM's do not have to come around often because they are bm's. If the do pop in once a year or so they have the right to make all important decisions. And those pesky sm's who raise the kids should just sit back and enjoy the ride! Even though they may be the ones raising the stepchildren they are not entitled to any opinions or voice. SM's should be seen and not heard. Right? BM's are not to blame if they are not around for their child. It must be someone elses fault if they are not around.

Guess I am keeping bm's spot warm as mom in case she ever feels like sitting in on her daughters life! HAHA

Actually, what I said is that he sees the kids who are still home once a week for dinner. The one child he allows to visit is not one of the ones still at home.

How am I cutting him off from anyone?

If he's the father, then if anything should happen to you, he should have his children. Why wouldn't you want that? You don't want your children to be raised by their father, you prefer to burden an older sibling that has their own life? It's not their responsibility to finish yours & your exH's job. IMO, that's worse than however 'controlling' you think I am. I'd never schlepp my responsibility onto my older kid to raise my younger one, even if they agreed to or offered to. That's pretty selfish, I think.

About custody of minor children....
I'm the youngest by 8 years. My parents had some close family friends as my guardians in case anything happened to them when I was a kid. When I was about 14, the husband developed major health problems and my parents decided that (if anything happened to them) the friends wouldn't need the extra burden of a freshly orphaned teenager. My oldest brother was 26, so they asked him and his girlfriend (now wife) if he could be my guardian in case of catastrophe.
I think this was a pretty good choice on my parents' part to choose an older sibling, rather than aging grandparents or other family friends.

Ima, I'm curious - who was child custody willed to if something had happened to you while your kids were minors?

My oldest children don't regard it as a burden. They very much want to raise the youngest if I were to die. There is a large age difference, almost twice the difference between Ceph and her brother.

Ima, it sounds to me like TOSs wouldnt object to any of his children not staying with him.

Why would I think it a good idea for him to raise our youngest when he (or his wife) can't even stand having the child around for a weekend - and yet all her teachers, our neighbors, etc. tell me what a sweet child she is. She is the "easiest" child I have in a lot of ways, in spite of the difficulties that result from her learning disabilities. One of my older kids once said that when she had kids, she hoped they were just like her. I asked if she meant just like her but without the learning disabilities, and she said, no, even with the learning disabilities that would be fine. She doesn't remember having her father live at home, and he barely knows her. His current wife has seen her about once a year for an hour or two since the last time she visited her father, which I think was in 2004. Why would you think that would be the best environment for her, and why would you assume that he would even want to raise her?

In Texas, if the custodial parent dies, the non-custodial parent automatically gets custody (& sometimes uses that as leverage with the other survivors/heirs).

if the other parent has a spouse or SO who openly dislikes stepchildren and treats them wrong, why would you want your children to be raised in that environement? maybe to go there EOW is managable but to be there 24/7? why would anyone wish that to their children?

if TOS's X is married to a woman who doesn't treat his children nice, why would TOW want her child to be raised there?

when DD was a minor if my X would have anyone in his life who mistreated or openly disliked DD, i would want her to be raised by my brother's family or grandparents on either side. Luckily X didn't have crazy wives and I didn't die.

especially if a child has LD, she shouldn't be in such negative environment. Just because one is a parent, it doesn't mean he/she is the best person to raise children. some parents are precisely the worst people for children to be around. that's why some children are raised by other family members.

by this logic children should stay with abusive and neglectful people just beacuse they gave birth.

espcially if the other parent does not want to raise children why would anyone want their children to stay with that parent permanently? makes no sense. and on top of it the other parent has a spouse who also doesn't want to raise any children, why on earth would you insist that in case of your death your children go to these people? makes no sense to me.

"If he's the father, then if anything should happen to you, he should have his children."

why? just because he happened to be bioparent? doesn't seem like good enough reason. what about parents who do not even know their children or barely know them? how about your children's fathers, are they the best choice for your children to be around 24/7? doesn't seem so to me. i bet you, there are some other people in your life who would be way better for your kids (when they were minors of course).

Like it or not, LEGALLY, the other parent will get the kids if the first parent dies, barring abuse. In every state, parents have first rights to a child.

So Ima is perfectly correct in stating that if TOS dies, her husband will get the remaining children. Now, TOS' ex may not WANT the child, but he is entitled to make that choice, by law.

What TOS wants, after she is dead, isnt going to matter. Its not HER child, its THEIR child. He has every right to take the child and raise it if he wishes.

I know I don't like it that legally, if I die, my poor DD may have to go live with her father, whom she hasn't seen at all in two years. It scares the crap out of me, the thought of my DD being ripped from her family and going to live with strangers. Sometimes the legal rights of parents are just absurd. If I had treated DD the same as her father has all these years, she certainly would have become a ward of the state by now.

Nevertheless, I went to a lawyer and drew up a will leaving her to the custody of my sister and her husband should anything ever happen to me. The lawyer said that this absolutely is not legally enforceable, but that due to his excessive abcense, if my sister got to court and filed for custody, and her dad didn't show up to object, it could work, and that the court would take into consideration his prior involvement. I also willed that any inheritance she may be entitled to would be put in a trust so that even if he got custody of her, she would not come with money. He would have to ask the executor of the trust for money for expenses. My thinking was that if she didn't come with any money, he probably wouldn't want her.

Now that I'm married, I have changed my will to leave her to my husband, and the attorney said that it is very likely that the courts would not take her from the man who's been raising her as her father to give her to the father who doesn't even bother to see her. My husband knows that if I should pass, God forbid, that he is not to grieve me or make arrangements for my funeral, but he is to get to family court immediately and petition to be her guardian.

I don't know the intricate details of TOS's situation, but I certainly understand how one would not want their child to be placed in the custody of people who, regardless of their biological connection to the child, are strangers. It scares me to death. If nothing else, all I want out of my life is to simply live another nine years so that it never becomes an issue!!

Now that I think about it, there is more than one side to the issue.

SD's BM has told DH that should she pass away, she expects him to allow her parents to have custody of SD and that she has a will to that effect.

DH finds this absurd as he has always been very involved in SD's life. Our house is her home and her family too, just as with BM. Of course DH would allow SD to spend time with BM's family if BM were gone, but there is really no good reason that she shouldn't be in the custody of DH, so obviously she would be. BM's parents are very supportive of DH's relationship with SD, and we just don't see them actually making it an issue should something ever happen to BM.

The bigger concern in this scenario is if something should happen to my DH. I fear that in that case SD would probably never see her sisters again. I wouldn't put it past BM to cut of DH's family, including me, sisters, Gma and Gpa, completely. We would probably only we SD on occassions when BM needed free babysitting, which quickly won't be a need any longer as SD's getting older.

I just hope EVERYBODY lives a long, happy life and that NOBODY dies prematurely!!!

Finedreams & TOS,

Your argument is as ridiculous as saying,'I don't like how my child is treated there, so the other parent has no rights' and guess what? YOU (AS CP) DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION. A COURT DOES!!! If something had happened to me when my kids were minors? yep, their father they had never met would have had first crack at taking them. Did I think about it? YES. Did it worry me? YES. But, that's the way it is. They are the father, they have the right. Until a court decides they are unfit, they should be allowed to raise their child, if they want. If they don't want, then sure you should be able to suggest the second choice, but then again, if he objects (with good reason) and wants someone of his choosing, he'll probably get it. After all, your dead and he isn't. He's also the parent with equal rights as you. It may not be 'fair' but children are not property that is owned by one party.

and finedreams, it's too bad if you don't like how the other parent's spouse or SO treats your child.... unless they are abusive and a court agrees to terminate his rights or orders the spouse or SO to not be around the child, then it's up to the child's parent to protect the child. If my DH thinks his ex's new BF is mean to his daughter, he can say something, but it's ultimately up to the mother that is with the boyfriend to make sure the boyfriend treats her daughter well. If she fails to do that, then she should lose her child. And again, it for a COURT to decide. Not the other parent.

I think it's been said here before that if the CP (father) dies, the child can't stay with the stepmother. If the mother is a piece of garbage and unstable, the stepmother would be the logical choice to continue raising the child. But, it's been pointed out many times that the stepmother has no rights. Well, now you are saying it's okay to let your adult child or your sister or someone other than the other parent raise the child because YOU don't like the other parent's spouse or YOU think they treat the child bad. YOU must be a GOD? YOU must think YOU have all the almighty power to decide such things???

That is why I've told my kids many times to choose very carefully, the person they will marry and/or have children with. Especially having children with.

And if that happens where your children end up with a relative/stranger that is not their parent.... you have a whole other blended family situation....

But then they would be getting bashed for taking responsibility for a child that wasn't their own they should just give them back to the parent anyway. And not have to worry about how they raise someone else's child.

My oldest SD is 18 but before that she was "willed" to her grandmother.... her mother who hasn't had any contact with her in 10 years could have legally been entitled to her and her trust fund. No matter what hubby said.

Cawfe, just because you're legally "entitled" to custody doesn't mean you'ld win and get it. I suspect that a judge wouldn't have given custody to a mother who hasn't contacted her child in 10 years unless there was no other family memeber stepping forward to take responsibility.

Why wasn't SD "willed" to you, instead of GM?

In my state, after you've been married a year, you can do a stepparent adoption without the consent of the bioparent if the NCP has had no contact and/OR paid no child support regarding the child for one year. However, the no contact rule is very strict, such as one Christmas card a year counts as contact. If the child's over the age of 14, you also need the child's consent to the stepparrent adoption.

It's true, you can't control what happens to your children when you're gone, but you sure can try to provide provisions for their well-being.

We got married she was 16 1/2 I just assumed nothing would happen to hubby in a year and a half, lucky I was right :)

... GM has the means to provide, I didn't/don't have a real job and being the "new" SM I don't think it would have been my place to jump in and take her away from arrangements hubby and his mom had prior to my arrival. Not really something we discussed with regards to that SD... the younger ones, one of the first phone calls would have been/will be to mom to come get them.

Hubby and I have had the discussion of what ifs... he says you realize she would probably continue to pay support to you just not to have them 7 days a week.... She couldn't afford to pay the support I would be asking.

He even has it in a court order if either parent has a hospital stay of longer than 24 hours the other parent is responsible for the children until that parent is released from the hospital and 72 hours to recouperate before the children resume visitation schedule.

I never said that the other parent has no legal rights. And I don't remember TOS saying that her X has no rights to raise children or that she will prevent her child from being raised by her X. She said that she WOULD WANT her child to be raised by somebody who is better in parenting. And I said that if my X and his wife would be bad parents (luckily it is not the case) I WOULD WANT my child raised by my brother or grandparents because they are good parents. I never said anything about courts or legal system. I said what WOULD BE BETTER for a child and same said TOS. Her older children apparently are better guardians than X and SM.

Unfortunatelly what courts decide is not always the best for children though.

BTW there are cases when grandparents or siblings filed for custody after CP's death and if NCP was nonexisatnt they had a pretty good chance of getting custody. So it is not always the case when children must be raised by nonexistant parent. Luckily some involved family members could get the kids. It is not easy to enforce but it could be done. Plus uninvolved parents often give custody up and don't fight for it. I suspect that both TOS's X and his wife would be more than happy for someone else raising children.

I think in many cases non-existent parents will only fight if there is money involved (like social security, life insurance, etc).

finedreams, that may be all true, but the bottom line is, it's NOT up to one parent to decide the other is nonexistent or unfit. It wasn't up to me to say my kids' father's shouldn't get the opportunity to raise their kid if something happened to me. Of course I wouldn't want my kid to be sent to a parent they never knew. But, it wasn't MY choice. If you suspect TOS's exH and his wife would be more than happy for someone else to raise the child, then it would be up to him to decline taking his child at that time. It's not up to anyone else. Regardless of what you think about the courts, that they don't always get it right, that's irrelevant. There are laws for a reason and the law gives parents certain rights, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not. I agree that if other people petition the court for custody and the NCP is non existent or doesn't 'want' the child, then they would likely get custody. But again, it's NOT up to the CP.

As for the child to be 'willed' to a grandparent, I doubt that it would be upheld if the NCP wanted to resume being the parent. (if their parental rights are terminated prior to the CP's death, or they've already been found to be unfit by a court, then that might be different) When I was a single parent, I had a power of attorney for my sister to make decisions for my kids upon my death. However, if any of their fathers were found or came forward, then they would have had the right to their child, over and above my sister. And quite honestly, while they didn't stick around or pay support, none of them are so terrible that I'd feel the need to keep them from stepping up if they choose to.

Has anyone considered that perhaps TOS makes her ex's life so difficult and that is why he stays away or doesn't see his kids? If she were out of the picture, perhaps he would be happy to spend more time with his kids. He would no longer have someone poisoning his kids against him, reminding them of his affair, which I'm sure affects how they feel about him, which in turn, affects how they treat him, which likely leads to how he feels about them and how they feel about him.

Yes, they are armed with the 'truth', but I'm sure that all my babbling is just speculation and that them knowing the truth about daddy isn't having an impact on their relationship with him. I'm sure they haven't chosen sides. and I'm sure this has nothing to do with wanting to 'punish' him for the rest of his life.

perhaps TOS made her X's life difficult but perhaps your DH made his X's life difficult. And maybe you contributed to it as well. And that's why she stays away and moved far. Well of course i don't believe it because I trust what you are sharing here is truth. i don't think that your DH or you made BM's life H**ll or that you are withholding the truth. So why would you assume TOS made his life difficult and refuses to admit it? give her a break.

if a stepmother is the one majorly involved in child's life while bioparent is nonexistant then of course it would be prefrable for children to stay with stepparent. but in situations discussed here stepparent is uninvolved up to the point of not knowing her stepkids (TOS's story) so of course other family members are way more appropriate in this case.