JNM, which is how my X fits in. But I wish some of the SMs here could recognzie that most Dads are not the CP and that advice given by a wife of a CP may not be appropriate to an wife of an EOW dad.

I agree. There is a HUGE distinction between a full-time stepmom and EOW stepmom.

It depends on the situation. While I've heard many of you say EOW SM should stay out of decisions/advice regarding education or 'parental' advice, suppose the child is having problems at school. Not a learning disability, but motivation or social problems with peers. Suppose SM is a teacher and might have a better understanding of why SC is behaving a certain way because, as a teacher, she sees kids interacting all the time. She may deal with these problems all the time with other students. She may have advice that is useful to both parents. The same might be true for a stepmom that has grown children. She may see things in the situation that she's already been through with her own kids. She could share what worked and what didn't work with her own kids. Giving advice is just that, advice. It's not telling them what to do. That would be different. But, giving advice is no different than a mom that tells her co-workers what's going on and they tell her their 'advice'. She can take from it what she wants and disregard what she likes. However, I see that when it's a stepmom that gives advice, the mom is more likely to be offended that stepmom dared to have an opinion or give advice on "HER" child. Stepmom should mind her own business. and it's that bonehead thinking that causes a lot of these conflicts that happen in stepfamilies. If a well meaning stepmom offers up advice, even if you think she's full of sh*t, if it's taken like the advice a co-worker or lady at the bus stop might give you and move on instead of using it to start world war 3, there would probably be less conflict. How about saying "thank you for your opinion/advice/suggestion" and then deal with it how you want. Completely disregard it if you want. Act like a grown up.

I agree a stepmom should never interject herself in the final decision unless it's going to have a profound impact on HER, such as she's going to be the one caring for the child or driving the child, etc. But, she is a part of the child's life and has the right to her opinion, just like the lady at the bus stop.

exactly why, lonepiper, I keep trying to say that statements such as I have to be grateful for the fact that X have met someone and that SM does all these things for DD irrelevant. Of course if DD was there full time or even half-time, it would be a different story. Or if she would have one SM her whole life, but this one is #3. Yeah, i am grateful, "roll" my eyes...

SMs on this forum are full time, most of them, so their advice although is valauble is often irrelevant. IRL most families i know have moms as CPs or 50/50, only small % of dads are full time CPs IRL.

This forum does not represent what is happening in the majority of families IRL.

Ima, I agree with you. Thing is that kind of approach requires both BP being mature enough to give the advice a fair listen & not discount it just b/c of roles/personal feelings, as well as SP being mature enough to accept that advice given might not be taken. If everyone can be mature like this, there should be no problem and the SP's advice is a lot more likely to actually be heeded.

I went from being an EW (every weekend) FSM to a we-never-get-to-see-her FSM. We didn't have her 50% or even full-time, but her influence on my DS is and was enough to talk to BF about things. If I made a rule for my home, and DS has to follow it 100% of the time, she should follow it when she's there, also. I never asked her to see me as a mom to her, but to see me as a mom in general and, at the very least, respect me as an adult. I didn't appreciate being treated buy either FSD or BM as though I wasn't raising a child of my own and had no idea what I'm doing. I'm not stupid by any means. And, believe me, not that I'm perfect, but DS is WAY more well-rounded than FSD. And, yes, it's my home, too, and if BF and I decide on a rule for OUR home she has to fall in line with everyone else. We would never make a rule that would be detrimental to her. Our rules go for everyone in our home. Why would we make a rule that would be bad for either child and expect them to follow. That's just ridiculous.

But, back on topic, I sometimes think that it would be easier without BD and his GF in the picture. It is an inconvenience to share, isn't it? I get tired of my time being interrupted or having to consider BD in things. BUT, just as I have to remind BD about CS, I would do those things if we were still married. And it is truly the best thing for a loving and caring father to be involved with their kids (whether the kids are male or female). I guess BM must have the same thoughts as TOS, but took them father than just thinking them. It seems as though FSD has a full complete life in NM without us.

"This exactly what many of us have been saying for months if not years about the mothers we deal with, especially those of us married to the CP."

I would understand if the fathers were posting here and saying such things about their ex-spouses, but not the current wives of the fathers. My friends and co-workers can complain about their husbands and children, and I might commiserate about fathers who can't multi-task or children who would lose their heads if they weren't attached, but I would never criticize their spouses or children. I would not call them jerks or not much of father or brats, etc., even if I thought it. I don't appreciate it when outsiders, either IRL or here, criticize my exH.

When it comes to SM's offering advice, the difference is that the mother can ASK the advice of her friends and co-workers, but the SM's advice is typically unsolicited. I don't put much stock in unsolicited advice from anyone, especially people I do not know and trust.

So what about the times mom has come over, called or emailed asking for my advice? Or the time at SD's party when mom asked me to handle a situation as she thought I would deal with it 'better?'

I think as the spouse of a CP, and the one SD comes to of all 4 of her parents for the majority of her needs, that I have a right to complain.

Point taken about your ex, TOS. I will not use him as an example of a poor father again.