to move or not for son to be closer to his dad

16 years ago

HELLO I NEED ADVICE!WELL TWO YEARS AGO MY HUSBAND OF 10 YEARS CHEATED ON ME!!I LEFT WITH OUR 7 MONTH OLD SON AND MOVED 6 HOURS AWAY WITH MY FAMILY IN A SMALL TOWN.HE WOULD TELL ME THAT HE MISSES MY SON AND FOR ME TO MOVE BACK.BUT HE CHOSE TO BE WITH HIS MISTRESS.HE IS STILL WITH HER AND THEY HAVE A 8 MONTH OLD BABY BOY (SHE HAS 3 OTHER KIDS FROM OTHER RELATIONSHIPS).HE COMES TO VISIT MY SON BUT NOT THAT OFTEN,HE HAS SEEN OUR SON NOW (2 1/2 YEARS OLD)MAYBE 5 TIMES IN TWO YEARS.HE WAS GIVING ME DOUBLE WHAT CHILD SUPPORT WOULD BE SO I COULD GO TO COLLEGE AND GET A EDUCATION.BUT THAT STOPPED LAST MONTH WHEN HE CAME TO TOWN TO SEE MY SON BUT I DID NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE OUR SON WITH HIM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.MY SON CRIES WHEN HE SEES HES DAD CAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW HIM.SO THATS WHY I DIDNT LET HIM GO CAUSE HE WAS CRING NOT WANTING TO GO.SO HE CALLED THE COPS BUT HE COULDNT DO ANYTHING. I FILED FOR DIVORCE AND HE DOES GIVE ME CHILD SUPPORT.I STILL LIVE WITH MY FAMILY BUT I DO MISS WHERE I USED TO LIVE FOR TEN YEARS.I'M 27 AND I FEEL LOST.SHOULD I MOVE BACK TO THE CITY WHERE MY ESTRANGE HUSBAND LIVES AND ALLOW MY SON TO SEE HIM MORE OFTEN.BECAUSE HE TOLD ME IF I DIDNT MOVE CLOSER TO HIM SO HE COULD SEE OUR SON THEN HE WAS GOING TO GET HIM FOR THE SUMMERS AND FIGHT FOR FULL CUSTODY.I MEAN I DONT MIND MOVING CAUSE I DO MISS THE BIG CITY AND I WOULD GET PAID BETTER MONEY AND MAYBE MEET SOMEONE.I'M LOST PLEASE HELP!!!

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Comments (5)

kkny
16 years ago
Having dad near son is a good goal, but I dont understand -- did your X move to be near his family or yours? You are only 27 -- you have your life in front of you. YOur X is being a bit of a jerk, but dont let that prevent you from making the best move for you.

Focus on -- where are low cost educational oppportunities available -- community colleges etc.

Will X help pay moving expenses?

My concern from thes boards is it seems that sometimes X fights for custody to decrease child support. Unforntuately if child support is needed to pay for an apartment large enought for you and child (as opposed to child), it is tough to split it. I think before you move you need to have a better understanding. But if all he really wants is to see son more, that could work, allowing you to go to school nights or weekends. You may also suggest that he and son have counsling -- as son appears to resent dad's absence (not that I am saying son is not justified, but to help him)
kkny
16 years ago
And I forgot, best move for child. check out schools, etc.
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vistajpdf
16 years ago
Well, if I was away from my child, I'd be around more than 5 times in 2 yrs. I don't think a court in the US would consider giving him custody, but you now have the difficult role of helping your son to have a relationship w/ his dad. It's tough - he did wrong by you and your son. He basically chose an affair over the two of you. He now has another child and the woman in his life who felt is was OK to be involved w/ a married man. Not great role models.

Nonetheless, if he is willing to be a father to your/his son, then you probably need to support that. You also must be sure that the mother of his other child will treat your son well. Your ex must also treat the children equally. As hard as it is, your son does deserve to know his 1/2 sibling and his dad, be that through visits or if you move.

I don't know if I'd move or not. Family being close is priceless, but you give a good argument for moving - bigger city, prospects of meeting someone special are better, better jobs, schools, etc. I think you ought to write down the pros and cons and make a decision. Also write down the pros and cons for your son. Of course he didn't want to go w/ his father having only seen him a few times. His memory of his dad isn't in existence right now. No child, esp. this age, wants to leave mom. The father can't blame you, really, as his not being there routinely is to blame. Yes, you moved, but not before being desperate after the position he put you in.

How do you feel about the ex now? How does your family feel about you moving back? You need their support and it may not be easy in light of what happened. Also, you won't have built in babysitters, either, in the larger city, so you must consider that.

Good luck,
Dana
kkny
16 years ago
Vista, I am not clear about who moved? Did OP live where she was when X left?
vistajpdf
16 years ago
KKNY:

I think she bolted when she learned of affair. She moved 6 hrs. away to be w/ her family - probably needing support in every sense of the word. While the husband asked her repeatedly to return, he still chose the OW.

Here, there's a "tri-county" rule where a parent cannot move farther than the tri-county area, which still is a pretty big span of land/cities. However, w/ her moving before the divorce, I'm not sure if any such rule would apply.

It sounds like the husband is now putting a financial squeeze on the mother after their son cried to the point where he didn't get to take him for a visit. But, what does the guy expect? You don't just waltz into a toddler's life a couple of times and expect him to come running w/ arms wide open...

Anyway, I'm a little concerned about either scenario for a couple of reasons which is why I advised her to make a good list of pros and cons and weigh it out. I think she needs the advice of a good attorney at this point to see if the father's threats are feasible.

Dana

to move or not for son to be closer to his dad

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