Step-son does nothing, We want him to move out

16 years ago

My name is Wendy

This is my first post ever on this forum.

My SS lives with us. Has since he was 11. He is now 19 and does NOTHING. No job, no school, no helping around the house (unless we bribe him with actual cash) What he does do is Play guitar, smoke pot (outside) Play video games, smoke pot, hang out with his girlfriend doing nothing, smoke pot....

He hasn't had a job since last October when he used to work at KFC. Of course he did work for a temp agency for 2 weeks in Feb if you can call that having a job, but they didn't want him back so now he sits and complains about being "laid off"

What do we do? We have two other children 9 and 18 months (our kids together not Step children) and my SS lives in the basement and I want him out. He doens't bother to hide his drug use or his smoking cigarettes. He throws them all over the lawn and driveway...

My husband agrees with me. We are on the same page. We haven't always been together but now we are both fed up.

We want him OUT. We have considered many things to having him pay rent to us (totally unrealistic, he owes us lots of money from the past and we haven't seen a dime in over a year)

He got his GED and has been arrested and in treatment for drug use.

We considered getting him an apt and paying first and last months rent and dumping him off. But then I wonder about filling out an application. Who will give him an apt with no job? We are not willing to "co-sign" a lease and put our names and credit at risk.

Any suggestions?????

Wendy

PS StepSon's mom is not in the picture. Hasn't been since he was 11 and came to live with us so having him live with her is not an option.

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Comments (17)

sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
This problem has been years in the making and will likely take a few years to solve. Sure - You can kick him out now, but as you say, who will rent to him without a job? And what kind of future will he have with that kind of start?

Now I am NOT advocating supporting an adult child forever - that helps no one. But a series of small steps might be a more successful launching pad than a single dramatic gesture. If he is unsuccessful on his own, he'll be back on your doorstep (or in jail) in no time, and the temporary respite won't have been worth it.

What about giving him a deadline? Something along the lines of "You can live here for 12-more months -- after that you're 100% on your own. You'll need to find a steady job, save up money for rent, get a car and insurance, etc." Have him do chores now instead of cash rent, and gradually up the ante for what is expected of him. Help him map out a 12-month plan toward successful independence.

Hope this helps --
vistajpdf
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wendy,

I suppose sweeby's post is more realistic than my time limit from the other thread, but I don't know if I could go 12 mos. What does he say when questioned and now, w/ an arrest on his record, can he even find legitimate work?

Regardless, I'm happy your DH in on board. Have you guys at least put him to work in the house or is it more work for you having him around - like would he help w/ chores or is he just another chore for you???

He has to get work or go to a community college and get loans. Don't cosign for him, regardless of what he says. He doesn't sound like the trustworthy type anyway, so I'm sure you wouldn't, but I know firsthand about this and I'm stuck paying MY SS's GSL! He was very bright and an excellent student before DH let him, against my wishes, move off campus into a partying atmosphere. We don't even know where he is but believe he's in GA (we're in S. FL.)

Does your SS have a car? A way to get to work? My cousin suffered from addictions, now recovered nearly 4 years, and did just fine on public transportation. Have a bunch of comebacks ready for SS when you sit him down to lay down the law. Like, how does he have $ for cigarettes and pot? If he says, "I couldn't take that job 'cause I don't have a car..." tell him to get a bus pass. If he makes any excuses, have comebacks ready. If you don't, tell him you need to think about that one overnight and then offer a solution. Make him get a job and keep it and give you all 1/2 his salary weekly. Put the $ aside and when there's enough saved up, rent him an apt. w/ his $ and tell him you'd love to see him on Sun. eves for a family dinner, but that's it and the locks are now changed!

Sounds great, doesn't it? I wish you luck. I guess he needs to get a job. There's always something - a paper route for goodness sake, KWIM? My SS was a nonworker too, but had the taste for the champagne lifestyle. Wanted everything handed to him....

Dana
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Most recently he threatened to call the Sheriff telling them I threated to shoot him but they know of him because we have had the Sherriff here many times and we were told to file an unruly child report with the county clerk. We went there and they told us they needed to see her divorce papers and also the father would have to be on board. Well John didnt want to do it so that was that. If we were able and he acted out tge Sherriff would take the necessary actions if I had to call. The real problem I have right now and is a major part of why I need to get out of dodge asap is because of my other half and my different shifts, shes on 1st shift and Im on 2nd it leaves me home alone with the kid most if the day and he starts in, last week he got violent once again and got right in my face wanting to fight with nobody here, so I told him Im not getting into it with nobody here so Ill call the Sheriff. Well thats when he started yelling "good ill call and tell them how you just threatened to shoot me etc. Meanwhile that was his exact threat to me when he got in my face saying him and his friends will shoot me. I can wipe the streets with this kid, hes a spoiled brat who lies, steels, drugs etc and I don't want to be here alone because if some false report gets written i can and will lose my job and maybe even freedom. That day he called his mom lying as always and crying to her and she believes him. While this was going on I had his dad in the phone so he heard everything and knows how bad this kid is and so does she, then she posts on facebook " nobody threatens my kids etc" Right then I saisaid its time to move out of here fast. When ththis was happening it all stemmed from the night before when he was on drugs yelling at her and he never went toto sleep tge whole night. 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popi_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Wendy

I would worry how the other children in the household view your SS. Do you want them to turn out like him ? He isn't the best role model for them. Perhaps you could emphasize that he has a responsibility to be a good older brother to them, as a way of improving his behaviour.

Do you want him smoking pot in your garden ? Is this legal where you live ?

I know of a boy who smoked pot and it caused a complete breakdown, a phsychotic episode, and now he is living at home forever, as he is incapable of ever working or caring for himself. Thats really sad, he is 23 now.

I am a great believer in "showing" our kids how to do things. We take it for granted that they know how to get on in the world, but sometimes I don't think they do.

Could you just sit down with him and help him find a job ? Drive him to the interview, get him enrolled in some further education.

Its really not acceptable for him to just lounge about not contributing in any way. Everyone has a job to do, even him. Its such a tricky situation for you.

The same thing is going on in the house across the road from me, the boy finished school in 2005 and he has done nothing since then. I had him over at my place, to do some gardening for a couple of hours a week, and tried to inspire him into going to university but he has no dreams or aspirations. His interests where pretty bland, as well.

I wish you well, I am sorry I am not much help.

Popi
susie53_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I would pack up evrything except his bare essentials and tell him he has 1 month to move. I would not allow him to unpack. He can go live with a friend or whomever. His chances need to come to an end. tell him that his things will be on the lawn on a certain date and stick to it.You are only enabling him to keep on disrespecting everyone.. If he has money for his dope and smokes, then he has money to live on..

We have three kids and they knew for years that we were educating them and we were not going to support them once college was over. My husband told them they could live on welfare but not us.. We gave up a lot of things to see that they were able to go otu and make a living on their own. We would never have allow any of our kids to live here and do "NOTHING." We work, so can they... Get this kid out the door and soon.. You are not doing him or yourselves any favors by allowing him to stay.. Stick to your guns....
kkny
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, this is so difficult. Does anyone have actual experience with turining a teenager around? I do knwo that where I live, in addition to community college, their is a county wide high school that he might be allowed to attend to learn a trade.

Has he been convicted, or just arrested? I know this must make you grit your teeth, but many places have programs if he stays clean their is no conviction. I know you are frustated, but if you have any ability to get him a clean record, that may be a big help. For his onw good, I would suggest he agree to a program with random testing.

I assume he is adverse to joining the military.

I dont know many jobs for men that have room and board (fyi for girls there are many aupair/nanny jobs that have room and board in addition to salary). All I can think of is some oil rig type of jobs, but I am not certain that would be a good idea (nor would they want him) unless he could stay clean and/or learn a skill. I think getting him away from home and a job that has housing would be best.

Do you belong to church? Is there a pastor who can talk to him?
ekcs400
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Wendy,

can he join the military? It may be the only way to straighten him out. I have a family member, with similiar problems (but was not arrested). He is in the Navy now and feels so much better about himself.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
lafevem
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My dh wanted sd17 to get a job. She kept ignoring him, so he arranged for her to babysit her cousins over their Spring Break (and hers). She hated it! Well, a few days later dh says to sd17 "Aunt X said you did a great job with cousins". She wants you to babysit them all summer over break--now you have a summer job!-She freaked out. Immediately, went to roller skating rink around the corner and got a job-which she loves! She loves having her own money and it really has made her more responsible. We don't require her to pay for anything-it's her fun money (nails, clothes, eyebrows waxed, movies, etc.) She changed her ways when the situation became too uncomfortable, and that is what you must do with SS. Have a meeting and lay down house rules: Absolutely no pot smoking or he will be immediately gone (trust me-if he has a gf, he will find a place to stay), no cigarette smoking, If he isn't going to get a job, he will now be hired as your lawn boy, butler, etc. He will get up at 6:30 in the morning, shower, dress, etc, and then he will have a list of chores around your house to do with a 1 hour lunch break. His "pay" will go into a savings account that will go with him when he moves out. And friends can visit between 8:00 pm and 10:00 pm, but then our home shuts down for the night. YOU and DH have to regain control of YOUR home and make it more appealing to get a job and move out. As Dr. Phil says, "people will only treat you the way you allow them to". You and DH are allowing him to run your home. Good Luck as I know these situations are not easy.
vannie
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Where does he get the money for pot if he has no job?
Jonesy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Give him a date to get out. I wouldn't support anyone that smoked pot, especially on my money. I think you and his dad would be call enablers.
yabbi
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
LOL! My real son was exactly the same way at the same age. He finally got a girlfriend who motived him to move out and in with her. Her father gave him a job at his factory, and he's in his 2nd week of working hard for once in his life.

Face it, you did a crappy job of raising him. You FAILED him, because you didn't teach him a sense of responsibility. If you as parents don't give him the tools of self-dicipline and self-motivation so he can make his own life, how can he even think of doing for himself?
dj007
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It's been so long since this message was posted and I am curious to know what finally happened with your SS as I am in a similar situation...
onedown
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You said your DH and you did not agree at one time,which means you had to push him to give consaquences,I assume... I have said before the way your DH raises his BK's will affect your future and this is proof.I have a close friend in the ARMY and their very picky about criminal records. You can't make anyone change who doesn't want to. You guy's are enabeling him and making your life misarable at the same time.Give him one month to leave, he has friends. if you don't you'll be stuck till he's 40.I went through a similar situation. i done what I'm telling you..things worked out fine.
imamommy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My sons are 18 & 20. They both smoke, which I disapprove of and don't allow in the house. I set up rules when the first one turned 18 and he got huffy and said he wasn't staying. He packed up his car & moved out. He went from couch to couch of friends and a couple of relatives before he came back. The same rules applied and he tried to test & see if he could get around them but we stuck to it and he left after a few weeks. He came back a couple of months later and didn't last long then either. He left & hasn't moved back. Then the 2nd one turned 18 and leading up to it, I gave him a copy of the same rules & he went out, got a job and enrolled in college. I wouldn't give your SS a year. You'll go nuts in that long. I'd first lay down basic rules, ie. no pot because it's illegal. set a bedtime (or we call it lights out). and give specific expectations. A time frame of a month or maybe two to get a job is reasonable. If he's been to jail, he's probably not going to want to go back. I told my sons that if they weren't in school, they had to be working & paying rent. If they are in school, they can work & not pay rent.

It will probably take both of you to be together, tough and consistent. Don't let him get away with breaking ANY of the rules, not even once. I'd bring home some u-haul boxes and let him know that if he doesn't like the rules, get packing. It's your house and if he's an adult in your state, your obligation to "take care" of him is over and to live in your home is a priviledge, not his right.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My suggestion is he is 19,he can get out.He is a legal adult,and your younger children do not need to be exposed to his pot smoking.
Tell him he has 30 days to find a place.

Oh,and you relaize if your house gets raided because he smokes pot they could take your other children away from you because you are knowingly allowing it right?
plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I posted without thinking about the upcoming holidays.

This is what you do.
Tell him as of the begining of the NEW YEAR things are going to change.
That by the end of January,he is to get a job,and start helping out around the house or he is out.
A 19 year old should have no problems finding somewhere that will hire him.You dont expect him to work 50 hours a week,but he no longer allowed to just do nothing.By telling him he will be out,you are giving him the motivation he needs to not just keep sponging off of you and thinking it's party time.

In fact,put it in writing.If he doesnt have a job(by the end of January) and still refuses to help out,then maybe he can go live with his girlfirend.
redkatflorida
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi, We are having a similar situation with our 18 1/2 year old Son, except for the pot smoking. He got tired of school back in 2006, and it was fight to get him to go to his classes. He quit and we made him get his GED right away and told him that if he wasn't going to go to college then he would have to get a job. We didn't want him bumming around. Well, he has worked all of 4 months in the last 2 yrs. He is out all night, sleeps all day, and plays around like he's still a carefree kid. He is a very talented musician in a band (not making money yet) and he has alot of potential but NO motivation to get things on his own (work for them). His friends buy him cigarettes & food. His girlfriend drives him everywhere. He doesn't have a car, no license, and he refuses to walk or ride a bike to find work. Says all of his friends parents buy their kids cars, pays for their college, etc. We have dangled numerous carrots in front of him to try to motivate him (what we can afford-since we are poor), including finding him a job where I worked so he could drive with me. It lasted 2 weeks before he didn't like it anymore. We have tried the opposite too, by taking cancelling his cell phone and getting a land line for everyone instead (cheaper), but he always seems to adapt. He see's us work & he see's us share one old car and my Husband rides a bike & bus to work (for the last 3 years). He watches us struggle and he continues to act like he's entitled & selfish. We wouldn't mind him staying if he would grow up, contribute, and not be a mooch. I have been a bit more understanding (because of him being a musician & trying to support him on a creative level) but my Husband has been fed up for over a year. We both are now on the same page & decided to take a stand on it. This is the contract we came up with. We have all signed it. Mabye this will help someone else out. What do you think?

I ____________ agree to do the following:

1) Find & Get a paid job (looking doesn't count-must be working by deadline).

2) Be respectful & courteous to others living under this roof.

3) Clean up completely after self & friends.

4) Keep back porch clear of cigarette butts, cups, food, soda cans, etc.

5) Keep own room & house clear of soda cans, cups, food, etc.

6) Follow rules of house.

7) Help without arguing or ignoring when asked to do things around the house,
such as cleaning cat box, taking out trash, bringing up trash cans, etc. from time to time.

8) When paychecks start coming, give $25.00 a week to Mom & Dad to put in account to be held until we move or you move out. If you abide by the rules above all the money will be given back to you at that time above. If you do not abide by the rules at certain times then everytime a rule is broken and we have to clean up after you or listen to rudeness or disrespect then portions of the money will be deducted at our discretion. (example 1: you take Moms soda because you drank all of yours-you will be charged and the money will come out of the money saved) (example 2: you decide to make a mess & not clean up after yourself in your room, porch, livingroom, computer area, kitchen, etc. - I will charge a clean-up fee to be taken from the money saved) The amount you save will be up to you and your attitude.
__________________________________

If the 8 requirements are met you will be on your way to gaining independence, earning respect, becoming mature, & saving money.
__________________________________

On the other hand, if these 8 requirements are not met and kept up with by Saturday Oct 4th, 2008, you must pack your things up and move out. If there is an argument at that time we will move things out to the front yard & change locks if need be.

Signed by ________________________ Date ____
Son

Signed by ________________________ Date ____
Mom

Signed by ________________________ Date ____
Dad
fiveinall
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
He is 19 and a slacker...you need to tell him he has a month to get out of your house and find a job...if he doesnt do it..boot him out anyways..some kids have to learn things the hard way and he sounds like one of them...you have done your duty raising him it is his time to suck it up and be responsible...........
Dont feel guilty eith if you have to boot him out without a job...it is for his own good tough love is hard to do but it is necessay...

Step-son does nothing, We want him to move out

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