I don't have experience with stepkids of this age, only my own kid...But I wonder if it would be better if your spouse tells them about running cell phone bills?

I agree with finedreams. The Biological parent needs to address this with the kids. I advise speaking with him first and coming up with a plan to address the behavior together...then he needs to talk to the kids. I think, since you are invested, you should be there when he does speak with them. I think seeing you support each other is important.

Sandi and FD are right on target - your DW should be the key player in addressing this issue, but you should be part of it because you're part of the family.

Well, I disagree that you should just leave it up to their mom. I have three teens (well, one is now 21 but 18 when I met DH) and they need to establish a relationship with him. If they only deal with me, there is no reason for them to have anything to do with him and their attitudes (the older two, both boys) at least wanted NOTHING to do with me getting married. Of course, when the older one needed a cosigner on his first financed car & I couldn't do it, I made him ask my husband himself. I'm not going to be the middle man in their relationship. They can establish their own, whether they choose to have one or not.

The only thing is, when you say "tell him off" I would say STOP! Do you have/ever had teens of your own? It's not unusual for them to go over on cell phones and you'd do a lot better to 1. calm down. 2. discuss with your wife what you want. (ie. grounding/not having the phone for a period of time, summer job to pay for the bill, or what would be a reasonable result) 3. Then have a sit down with the child that did it to discuss it.

I would tell the child first off, that you are not trying to be his parent and then state your case. Try to stay away from pointing out that you pay the bills so you make the rules, they WILL resent that. Here is an example of an I statement I might use:

"I have a problem with the cell phone bill being so high this month. When the bill is this much higher than usual, it makes me feel worried that if it continues, I won't be able to keep the service. It's important to us that everyone has phone so they can be reached by mom if she needs to talk to you or if there is an emergency, but having a phone is a privilege that, if abused, can be taken away. We would hate to have to do that, but we just can't afford to have such a high bill every month."

If you are willing to let it go this time, I'd give a warning that the next time it happens, the phone is taken for a week/month. If you are not willing to eat the cost this time, I would add " the overage this month is $xx.xx and we expect this to be paid by [date] or the phone will be taken/shut off." Your wife should be there to be supportive of you and agree with you in telling them this. (that is why you should discuss it first with her so you and her are on the same page and she doesn't disagree with you in front of the kids) It's very important that the kids see you as a united front. Even though they are teenagers, they still need to know that they can't manipulate their parent to take 'their' side. My kids try to get me alone all the time and get me to take 'their' side against my husband. It's what kids do. My sister used to do that with my dad and she was grown at the time.

As for discipline, I think that has to be left to the bio parent until you have some sort of relationship built up with the kids because they WILL resent you coming in and trying to tell them what to do, even if their mom says it first. My husband has repeated my answer when my kids try to wear me down and they've told him "I wasn't talking to you" so I think it's a tough place to be. It also depends on the kids personality and demeanor. My daughter gets along great with my husband. She's 18. Even so, she occasionally has complaints about him. I also make her talk directly to him. I think it's a big mistake for bio parents to be the middle man between their spouse and kids. They need to be the heavy in discipline, but matters that can be 'talked' out, should be talked out. That is part of building a relationship. The goal should be a resolution. If your only goal is to punish them for the phone use, then let the wife handle it herself. And by all means, find ways to have conversations with them as 'friends' so they can get to know you and that also builds a relationship. If you aren't interested in having any relationship with them, then leave it all up to your wife.

PS -- small point, I have had relatively good luck with getting cell phone provider to retroactively improve plan. They are always anxious for you to upgrade plan (just make certin you are lenghtening contract more than you want). Sometimes a samll increase in monthly fees can eliminate the problem. You should certainly discuss this for the future.

leopold

I'm so used to women posting, I just started typing like you were married to a man...so sorry.

I understand where Imamamma is coming from about you needing to form a relationship. But this is going to be an issue where consequences may have to be implemented or the 'if this happens again- consequences are going to happen.' That is why I believe your wife :) needs to do the talking. Again, with your input and with you there. It wouldn't hurt for her to say that you two spoke prior to speaking with them and agree with whatever it is you decide to do.

I should have prefaced the statement about consequences with major consequences. Minor matters I don't think necessarily need to be discussed beforehand, but should be discussed so the bio parent is aware of what is happening. I think, for a teen, taking a phone away or limiting it in some way will be a huge deal.

I faced this same problem with my DS18 when he kept going over the texting limit. WE (DH & I) gave him warnings for a couple of months.. this is unacceptable.. don't do it again... okay, texting is gonna get shut off next time... then finally, shut off texting. I let DH do as much of the 'talking' as he could and if it gets tense, then I'd step in but like I said, depending on the kids demeanor and personality, it could be turned into just a conversation and not adversary in nature. I would not have let DH go talk to him alone because then DS would have automatically rebelled but when he saw us together on it, he knew at least to listen. Every kid is different as every situation can be different. My point is to try not pushing it off on mom as the first choice. Sometimes, the bio parent is the ONLY one that can deal with their kids, but I also think it's important to choose words carefully and not be confrontational.

The OP said, "I recently got high charges for service use with our cell carrier."

That may just have been a slip of the tongue (or fingers), but why use the word "I" if the cell phone is 'our cell carrier." I agree that it is important not to be confrontational, but I think this is definitely something better handled by his mother. I liked kkny's idea of changing the plan, too - I have two kids on my reasonably priced plan, and we have never come close to using all the minutes.

OP also said:

"Id like to be more than the guy thats signing the checks"

and even though the bill may be for "our" service, if there is only ONE person paying for it, they should have some say in the use. If I'm paying the electric bill on my own, I can nit pick on lights, stereo's & computers being left on when nobody is in the room. (and even with joint finances or splitting the bills, there s nothing wrong with trying to keep down fluctuating expenses like phone, gas & electric bills. That's for the good of the entire household. and with teenagers, you need all that extra money for grocery bills)

Ask their mother. Hah, I'm kidding! But seriously though, work with their mother, and present a unified front, especially if they start giving you lip or acting reticent. Be careful not to turn (or let them turn) the issue into an "us vs. them" argument, because you are the outsider (in their eyes). Convince them that it's all your interests for them to be more frugal about their phone usage.

Don't tell them off. Instead, offer options. If they're using a lot of directory assistance (check the bill), suggest they use 1800free411. If they're downloading loads of ringtones, help them find the free ones on the internet. If theyre calling a lot of people, see about expanding their "circle" or "fav five" or what have you. Be the good guy, and they wont think of you as the bad.

And as imamommy mentioned, you're the guy that's signing the checks, so you get the final say.

With most services you can check how your usage is during the month (how many minutes or messages you have left) so there is no excuse for going over once a rule has been established. The OP doesn't even say if there is a household rule about usage. Assuming there is (if there isn't one, make one now), tell the child they are responsbible for checking their usage and if they go over the phone will be taken away. It worked with my niece. She would rather lose a body part than that phone (the way she carries it around it might as well be a body part).

Another thing to consider is that many carriers have free mobile to mobile. So, if you have AT&T and your friend has AT&T, the call doesn't count. Many highschoolers make sure they are on the same carrier so those minutes don't even count.

I don't think that taking a cell phone away is necessarily a great option. My kids' cell phones are at least as much for their safety and my convenience and piece of mind as they are for their convenience. Having a cell phone means they can always call if they are stranded, or if they need a ride home from school. They are always reachable and they can call me to tell me they have arrived safely. I have even read that if you are walking through a sketchy area, it is a good idea to talk on your cell so potential muggers think someone may know exactly where you are, and can hear you scream and call the police. On more than one occasion I have talked to my teen/young adult child as they walked to their destination through a not-so-great neighborhood; I have given them turn by turn directions from mapquest from half way across the country (this was before GPS's were common); I have given them travel advice when they missed a connection in different country (before phones could access the Internet). I would sooner give up lunch seven days a week than have my kids give up their phones.

theotherside, all that is true but it's not a good excuse to disregard limits on usage. Do you have any advice for OP in getting the kids to keep their usage within reason?

Several posters have had good suggestions for picking a cost-effective calling plan, and tracking how many minutes had been used as the month goes along. Nobody wants to pay the phone company more than they have to.

TOS and I both suggested ways to deal with cell phone chargss. What I dont understand is OP says he is recently married and yet is writing checks for kids cell phones. Is he like the DH of he other poster and has taken control over all of family's finances.

Could be. OR, they could have combined their resources and he is the one to pay the bills from their joint account. OR, it could be that he is actually paying for the phone from his own funds because mom can't afford them, or he is just plain generous.

Let's not go jumping to worst case scenario conclusions and making those across the board assumptions we've all agreed aren't warranted, perhaps?

I pay for all the groceries, eating out, all shopping trips and fuel for our cars from my personal account. All but $100 of my husband's paycheck goes into the joint 'bill paying' account every two weeks. Yep, he gets $100 every two weeks for his own spending. Am I going to be accused of taking over the family finances and being in 'control'?

Other possible solutions include VOIP. My kids spend far more time communicating with their friends via the computer, including World of Warcraft, IM, Skype, etc. - and these are free (except for the subscription to WOW, but that's not my money). Children are not out to drive their parents (or stepparents) into bankruptcy.

Possibly not, but most children have no concept of budgeting, and no idea where money comes from except "the bank".

If the money comes out of a joint account or an account funded by two people, I would say "we" pay for it. And if one person pays some bills (food, etc) and the other pays other bills (rent or mortgage, utilities), I would still say we. Sounds like sharing to me.

then before we ASSume and start making judgments on something, let's just ask. Would probably cut down on a lot of the negativity . . . unless you are just looking for something to pick on . . . .

it is very typical of a man to say "I" without thinking much. even if two of you do something, he would often say "I". Typical for a guy, i would not worry about it. does not necesarilly mean that he took over.