I'm a BM not in your situation but want to tell you to have a Happy Mother's Day & I appreciate you raising your skids. It's so important kids have a good/great female role model in their lives. Someday they will be parents or active in children's lives & will pass on the good skills of communicating, caring, & love that you have shown them. Maybe not to you, but hopefully, other children. It really does a good thing for the world. Just think if every person stepped up to the calling & loved children like you.
Forget the worthless trash that phones. Shut the phones off & go out & have fun for the day. She doesn't care about her kids if she pays no child support, tries to cause friction in their lives, & disrupts their family unit. You're the true sense of a real mother, you don't get the attention & appreciation for all you do. That's how you know they consider you "Mom".
Just don't let her ruin the day for your skids or you. It's a wonderful day to celebrate.
P.S. Turn the phone back on during the late evening so she can talk to them then. Ball's in your court.

I would sit them down today and tell them how you feel. If you talk to them about it, then their feelings of having to pick one over the other may be diffused. I agree with Misti, have lots of fun planned for the day and avoid the phone until the end of the day. (you might even suggest they give her a call in the evening if you know her number) But, I would prepare them a little and tell them that you know their mom wants it to be 'her' special day and that it's okay for them to share it with both of you. They may need to hear that it's okay to love you both.

Mom2-

I go through this every year too on most holidays. We are having a great time and then sd's bm calls and lays on the guilt trip of do you miss me, I love you, bla bla bla. It often changes my sd's mood from happy to sad quickly. She feels guilty for having a good time when bm sounds so miserable on the phone.

I had not even thought of leaving my cell behind or turning it off till nite. I would love to do that as well but bm does not have her own phone so she often calls private. If her call is missed it can't be returned. And I don't want the blame on us for not allowing phone calls. So I don't know if I could go that route.

But mom2 if bm in your case has a known phone number I would leave my phone at home for the day-or at least turn it on silent and check it every so often for calls you want to return! Have your day of enjoyment-you deserve it! She does not deserve the day-so do not give it to her. Let the kids call her before bed so the day has been enjoyable for you all.

Well my feelings the other day were for nothing. BM never called today. We had a great day and spent it between my mil's house, my bm's house, and my dad and sm's house. The kids all gave me presents they made at school which were adorable! None of them brought up calling their bm and I was not about to suggest it as I do on other holidays and their bm's birthday. Hope you all had a wonderful day as well.

your kids' BM is just something else. can't believe this woman....

But I disagree with imamommy about letting children know how you feel. it is only going to hurt the children (young children, not adults) and make them feel guilty. they are already hurt that their mother is next to nonexistant, and pointing it out once again is unnecessary. It makes them choose between the parents or stepparents. No need.

i am glad you had a great mother's day! and the fact that they wanted to be with you says everything! Action speaks louder than words here. I am glad you didn't make hurtful speech about YOUR feelings. That what makes you a MOTHER.

I'm a full time stepmom and I know what you're feeling because I used to feel the same way! However, I realized that the kids needed to cling to the thought that their mom was "supermom" because the alternative was too hard to bear. It was their coping mechanism (at least with respect to my stepdaughters). As time went on and their mom disappointed them again and again and again, you could actually see reality seep in and their false image of "supermom" became more and more tarnished. In all honesty, I'd prefer them to think of her as "supermom." It's much easier for me to grin and bear my flashes of jealousy than to try to comfort a child distraught by the fact that they are not number 1 in their mother's life - there is no amount of comfort or sympathy that can be offered to soothe their hurt...

I just want to clarify what I meant by talking to them about their feelings as I'm reading it back now and I see what finedreams sees.

When SD gets an attitude with me or moody after talking to her mom on the phone, I have found that it helps to have a talk with her and reassure her that it's okay to feel whatever she is feeling. When her mom reminds her that I'm not her mom and then SD doesn't want to do things with me, I let her know that I understand how her mom feels and tell her that I know her mom loves her and maybe wishes she was the one doing those things with her but she probably wouldn't want SD to sit here in her room doing nothing all the time.

I didn't mean to lay a guilt trip on a kid that you deserve recognition and that your feelings get hurt when they treat you that way after talking to their mom. I think that was how it came out and that isn't what I meant. I do think it is better to acknowledge their feelings and let them know it's okay to feel that way. Maybe get them busy doing something so they get their mind off of it when they start acting cold towards you. I have also told my SD "I'm sorry your mom feels that way" when she tells me negative things her mom says. It sort of diffuses it without defending or attacking her mom.

I knew what you meant IMA. I would not any of the kids down and tell them I am hurt by it because I know that would make it worse on them. I have talked to them after calls with bm and asked them if they are okay (when I see their behavior change abruptdly after a call). And sometimes they will talk about it and I do the same "I am sorry that happened, or sorry she felt that way" talk. I don't defend their bm but I don't talk badly about her either. I have felt thats the best approach.

I still am suprised she did not call yesterday to try to get praise for being their "mom". Maybe she is realizing that she is not living up to her title? OR maybe it just hurts her too much because she knows they will talk of things they did with me during mothers day. Either way she put herself in this boat by seperating herself from her children so much.

i wonder what causes her not to see her children and to make no plans for summer. it is not like she lives oversees, but even my X who lived 10 hour flight away saw DD for 3 months a year. what's up with her? it can't possibly be more than 4 hour flight to go see her kids or fly them to her. what's the deal?

It sounds like she's preoccupied with her new kids/family and it's sad. I could never understand my DD's father doing that, having kids (one with me and the son his mom raised) and not really seeing them. He was busy with his wife & four kids with her.

Finedreams,

Last time they went to see her they did not do a non-stop flight but I think a non-stop would be 4-5 hours. I don't know whats up with her. She has gone months without even calling her kids. Then she moved in with her own parents and began calling them weekly with her parents. Then she moved into her own place near her parents and didn't call for a month. After the grandparents called and one of the kids mentioned how long it had been since they talked to their mom weekly calls with their bm and grandparents began again for a while. Now she calls every 2-3 weeks at best. She has missed birthdays, no card or call. It is strange to me!

I do not know why she is not keeping a relationship with her kids. We don't get in the way of it. When she calls we try to hand the phone directly to the kids so we don't have to deal with her. We have talked to her only when we can't get the phone to the kids in time, and then it is just a "hold on a sec. I will get the kids". We don't argue with her or do anything to keep her from calling the kids. And even though I have mentioned on here how we don't want to help at all with summer plans (if she ever makes them) she does not know that. So we are not keeping her from attempting to make summer plans!

All I can think is that she is busy with her new family and either she doesn't think about her children here, or maybe she realizes how much she is missing with them and it hurts her too much to call often? Either way it is her fault and she is hurting them.

I miss DD like every day and she is not a child. I can never understand lack of maternal feelings.

Mom2 I am glad you had a wonderful moms day and that bm did not ruin it for you. Wish I could say the same for my day.

Sd's bm has not called in 7 or 8 weeks and called yesterday morning demanding that she see her daughter for moms day! Like she could not have made plans prior to the day?? So my dh said well when can you come get her?

She says she has no transportation and we should drop her off. My dh asks where-she names a town an hour south of us! My mil and bm live 20 min the opposite way and we had brunch plans with them both at a restaurant we had to make reservations at. Also, when you make reservations they charge your creditcard and if less people come you still pay for all. So we would be paying for sd whether she went or not.

So with that my dh says sorry but we have plans you should have called before today. If she would have been on our way or even not so far out of our way dh would have gladly dropped her off. So she argues and cries about how we are keeping her dd from her!!! My dh tells her to have a great day and hangs up. Then she calls back and wants to talk to her dd. My dh told her to call back later when she was calm, he knew that she would start off dd's day with drama otherwise.

So we went to brunch and had a wonderful time and dh turned phone on silent--thanks gals for the tip!! BM called and left 10 messages! Of course each call was private number.

She called back after we left brunch and my dh handed phone to dd. She talked to bm and bm told her how she has been calling all week to make plans and how we hung up on her in the morning and refused to bring dd to her!

After dd got off the phone she told us what bm said. We told her the truth, that bm did not call until that morning and was screaming and we were not able to work with bm's plans, that if she would have called in advance we could have worked something out.

With tears in her eyes sd said she figured her bm was lying as always. Then she asked dh why her mom acts that way and he just said he wishes he knew.

It broke my heart that this woman can be such a piece of work and play all these games. And what is sad is that sd is seeing her moms true colors. I wish I could take that pain away from her.

HWT, that's terrible! My heart breaks for your SD.

BM has no heart. i am glad your SD has her dad and you. Poor girl

Helpwiththis,

I am sorry to hear about what bm did. IT is sad that an adult acts like that. I hope you did have a good moms day in spite of the drama she tried to stir up!