My DH is starting to crack

17 years ago

Hi everyone,

I've been reading and posting here for a little while, and I'm finding this group to be so supportive, and helpful. I could use some help.

There is a lot of background on my story, and it would take forever to give you all the rundown. So I'll give you what I can, and fill in the blanks as necessary. Basically, my DH has 2 sons. One lives with us, and the other with their BM. We have one because CPS removed him over 3 yrs ago. BM was physically and emotionally abusing him. The other son was not removed because he wanted to stay with her, and it appeared as though he wasn't being physically abused. Although we're not happy about him being there, there is nothing we can do. We had a GAL, and it came down to it being more deterimental to remove him, than to let him stay in their opinion.

BM has a long history of abuse against the son that is with us, other members of her family (domestic violence) my DH, and me. She is very volitile. She has been arrested on Assault and Battery against my SS, my DH, and me. She ended up pleaing out, because at the time, she had seemed to have things under control, and she had been working on her relationship with her astrainged son. We felt that sending her to jail would not be in the best interest of the children at that point in time, since things had been going relatively smooth for about 6 months. (this was about 3 yrs ago)

Since we each have custody, we've worked really hard to work with her as best we can over the years. She is highly unstable, and can turn emotions on a dime. From calm to hysterical and threatening in seconds. We go through periods of calm, and then she explodes, and begins a cycle of harassment via phone or email. Then it blows over, and she acts like nothing has happened.

There have been so many issues over the years, that I can't even count them. My DH has maintained his composure, and been more than patient in dealing with her. He has been raked over the coals emotionally and financially.

The latest has just finally sent him over the edge. He's always maintained communication with her over the years for the sake of the boys. But, this last episode has gotten him to finally realize that her main goal in life is to stick it to him any way she can. He has cut off all communication with her except for matters of urgency (medical emergencies, etc) and for pick up and drop off. The boys are teenagers now, and even though it would be ideal to keep the lines of communication open with her, it's really not possible at this point in time.

She is the kind of person where nothing you can do is right. She is mean spirited, critcial, violent, abusive, and selfish. There is no reasoning with her.

DH and I spoke briefly this afternoon, and he said something that I've never heard him say before. He said that his hate for BM is starting to outweigh his love of the children. He is a kind, loving, compassionate and very generous man. This has taken it's toll on him. For him to say that, makes me so sad. I know how much he loves his children. He is an involved father who always puts his children first. He has never said anything like this in the past. I understand where he is at emotionally, becuase this situation has taken it's toll on me as well. I would love to hear some suggestions of how to help him out. I would like to see him go to counseling, but he can't afford it right now. He is financially in debt, and can't afford his part of the living expenses as it is. I would pay for it myself, by I can't afford it either due to his situation ( I have to pick up the slack in expenses as it is). What are others in this situation feeling and doing to make it through?

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Comments (7)

mmommy
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with you that some counseling may help him keep his perspective on things.

Most large churches offer counseling to people in the community, even non-members.

My heart goes out to you.
coolmama
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Jessegirl,Welcome!

I dont know what state you live in,but since you have a computer you should try to look up counseling online. With enough searching I found counseling in my area that is subsidized.I paid something like 7 dollars a session.You will need to provide proof of income.Most states have a free mental health program of some kind,usually through the Health Department or social services. It may be worth looking into for your husband.

Sounds like a very tough situation. How does the son who was abused feel about his mother? Does he even want to visit with her?
No one can certainly blame your husband for how he is feeling.Sounds like he has good support with you as his wife.
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jessegirl
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
mmommy and coolmamma;

Thanks for the suggestion. I will check into that today and see what I can come up with.
The son who is living with us has come to terms with his mother, and he does visit her. He's mentioned that sometimes he doesn't want to go because she still verbally assaults him fairly regularly. Mostly he goes to visit because he misses his brother who is still there. She also likes to entice him with promises of gifts and fun activities. It's pretty sick.
Thanks for your well wishes.
JesseGirl
vistajpdf
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Jessegirl,

I agree that there should be some affordable therapist in the area. Good luck w/ that.

In the meantime, I think you sound like a wonderful and supportive lady. Keep letting your husband vent and just keep supporting him. We all feel better once we get it all out. So, even talking w/ you should help him.

Is the BM bipolar or just nuts? Has she ever been diagnosed w/ anything? If she's bipolar and goes off her meds, she will no doubt flip out in a moment. It's a sad disease, but she could just be emotionally unstable...

What a shame that the boy doesn't want to visit his mother (who blames him?) but misses his brother. That just breaks my heart! Too bad the brother won't abandon that ship, too. Like I always say, some kids will call out for the drug-abusing, physically abusive prostitute of a mother in the middle of the night...just because she's the mother...of course, there's way more than being a mother than just giving birth...

I'm glad the kids have you and your DH.

Dana
sweeby
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow -- I can see why your DH is feeling the way he does. She does sound like a nutcase with some some of mental/emotional or personality disorder.

That said, is there any way your DH can reframe his thoughts to categorize her as "damaged goods" -- Essentially, just to have a deep-down knowledge that she is a "broken person" who, because of her condition (whatever it is), isn't capable of completely controlling her actions? I know I'm making it sound easy -- but it's really a profound moment when that happens. When you totally 'get it' that another person 'just can't help it.' They are the way they are, and the horrible way they act is just a reflection of problems that are beyond their control.

At the end of our marriage, my EvilEx was diagnosed with a personality disorder, and this explained why he was so terribly controlling and abusive to me during our marriage. While having that diagnosis helped, and understanding how his condition developed helped, the real improvement came from understanding that this personality disorder was just going to be a permanent part of who he was. He did not have power over it -- IT had power over him. He was *responsible* for his actions, but not entirely in control of them. That's when I began to forgive him a little bit.

Your DH can begin to get better when he stops expecting his Ex to behave like a reasonable and rational person, and stops allowing her behind his defenses. He knows she is 'broken' and needs to keep that thought in mind when dealing with her. If she's acting 'normal' -- it's only temporary. If she's acting 'crazy' -- it's only temporary, and it's not personal. She is who she is -- and she's broken.
jessegirl
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Vistajpdf and Sweeby;

You are both right on it! She has been diagnosed as Bipolar. But, even with the meds she's very unstable. My DH has actually been great over the years in his understanding and compassion for her as a sick individual. I always have to remind myself that as well. He has given to her financially and emotionally so much. Unfortunatly, his generousity has backfired on him. An expecation has been set, and he can't undo it, regardless of his financial situation. I think that the breaking point for him was this Spring. She just really did a number on him. Although he should have seen it coming, he didn't, and she really put the screws to him, reneging on an agreement he had with her. It has gone to court, and the original order will stand. Since then, she has been even worse. Which is strange because she really made out in court.
He finally realized at that point (duh) that she just is never going to change, and is a liar, and a manipulator. I think what happened, is that he just finally realized it. He had hope over the years that she would get better, or that they could work together. Now that he realizes that it isn't going to change, he's just done with her.
I've talked to him, and told him that he just needs to treat her like a business deal. Once she starts to become abusive, to just hang up, delete the email, or walk away. That getting angry back at her (at least in front of her) is giving her all the satisfaction.
Does that make sense to you guys?
organic_maria
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow...this situation sounds similar to mine. My dh has 2 kids from a previous marriage. We see them EOW ..but the ex you describe here is EXACTLY Like my DH's ex. To top it off she is on drugs...we of course can't prove it but anyone can see! She is also unstable emotionally and tends to attack my DH at every oppurtinity...plus financially he is in debt. I took him out of debt and at times have to pick up the slack for bills now adays too. Since our new son was born she has gotten worse but thank God the kids dont care what she says about my son. The kids all love one another and that is what counts for me. The new thing now is the SD being a bleep and a half. But its towards her father not me. She knows better than to hit a nerve with me. But at feel bad for her because she has hit her teen years and her mother wont buy her clothes. Money my hubby gives. ..its a long story but either way my hubby refuses to buy her clothes cause he already dishes out a mortgage to the ex for that and its calculated. He told his daughter he has given money , its up to her mom to take her shopping. Last night she phoned and said her mom is too F'n lazy to do it. I felt bad but he told me ot stay out of it and stop buying her stuff.
Anyways..ex wives like this have a screw lose. Ignoring them is the best solution and be happy with your lives! And constantly tell the kids you love them is very important and that they matter and keep at it!!! COMPLETELY IGNORE THIS EX WIVE. They thrive on conflict and its just worse if the kids see it. The best is to love and focus on your family and be happy. If the kids bring it up, listen , maybe some councilign will help later on. BUt the key is to ignore her. SHut her out. My DH's ex hated me for that. I never spoke bad about her to her kids and then i finally sent a polite legal letter last summer for her to stop her bad mouthing for the sake of the kids or i'll get child survice on her case. Well..she's been very quiet since.
Hang in there! And keep your chin up!

My DH is starting to crack

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mmommy

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My DH is starting to crack

Comments (7)

mmommy

coolmama

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jessegirlOriginal Author

vistajpdf

sweeby

jessegirlOriginal Author

organic_maria

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