Been there, done that. Ultimately, there's not much you can do about SS or dad or BM. You can certainly tell them what you think, how you feel, etc. but bottom line is it is up to your husband to step up to the plate and BE THE FATHER. Once I realized both my husband and the BM were NOT being the parents and were not backing me up when I tried to do the right thing, I got out of that role. You need to decide for yourself "what's worth it", "how much is too much" and so on. My now-adult-SS continues to lie and steal from us (I've changed the locks and he can't come over unless Dad is here). Dad continues to play the role of the ever-feeling-guilty-dad for splitting up with his BM (um, over 15 years ago!!!) and keeps trying to give his son a break. SS knows what to tell dad to get what he wants, and then changes his end of the deal once he gets it. ("yes, I'll take classes this fall if you pay my rent.....oh, I've got a lot of credit card debt I want to pay off, I have to work full time and can't take classes after all") I know there are some situations out there where the kids change and get their **** together, and there are ones that don't. You and Dad and BM have different parenting styles, with obviously different results accordingly. A friend of mine from Europe once pointed out that Americans make a huge deal out of step-parenting. I remind myself of that from time to time, remember that SS is someone else's child and I am "just" the stepmom. I finally had to make it clear what I would and would not tolerate in terms of issues very directly affecting me and my daughter (the stealing, no drugs/drinking/smoking in this house, etc.). SS now basically keeps his distance and actually treats me better than he used to. Dad stays close to him but still overlooks too much, and when it crosses the line (my line) my husband and I will still get into fights about it - but at least those fights are much smaller than they used to be. My husband is eventually getting tired of continuing to support SS, and foots the bill less and less, but still provides more than I think he should -- but then I remind myself, SS is not my kid, and the impact on me and my child is very minimal. Again, I'll come back to what I said earlier, you have to decide what is best for *you*, what are you willing to tolerate? You are just as much a part of this family as anyone and have the right to establish boundaries - and be prepared to enforce them yourself, much like you would with a room-mate. Don't imagine this will all go away, it may or may not.

Hugs to you and i can totally understand where you are coming from. No , sadly your ss has nothing wrong with him and it is strong will. You know why i my gutt feeling tells me? Because you are describing my nephew. At my wedding, my husbands side of the family said and i quote ' here is Satan's child' ANd i didnt' take offense. He honestly is strong willed. Everything you have described is him. The biting , hitting, the bullying...he used to take toys and slam them on his own mothers head. I phoned one time and found her locked in the bathroom crying.They also had alot of tests done and nothign found. What he needs is extreme discipline. and it must come from a father figure. My brother would also spend very little time in the house. 15 hrs working..then of course he had to sleep so...barely home. Your husband MUST CHANGE HIS WORK HOURS TO ACCOMADATE HIS CHILD. It does get worse as they get older and his father must take the reigns now. Both of you have to work TOGETHER IN DISCIPLINE. Very important. My brother and his wife went to counciling and it took a long time to handle their son and it still takes alot of energy. The odd part is my nephew also has a caring side...that you would expect if you saw the first aspect of him. After several years , he is now cleaned....not a slob..barable to be around with ..still has a temper once in a while but its controllable. I think what also hit my nephew hard and what really changed him also was the death of his brother last year. It was awful. my sister in law was pregnant...and gave birth in the bathroom...his brother had passed in her arms..police..ambulance...needless to say i wont tell any further. But since then he's really calmed down... I know its hard. i know it willb etrying for you. But dont give up on this child. 1. go to counciling. 2. You husband must acknowledge the behaviour. 3. You and your husband must work together and be consistant and persistant in punishment and reward. 4. Have soem time away for yourself..for peace of mind and let your husband have a go at times...for him to witness. As well, he also is expressign that biomom is not there...so i think its a combinaation of strong will and realizing biomom not there. So feelings of resentment are bubbling. Another thing is...was mom a substance abuser? That maybe a piece of the puzzle. Good luck...keep us posted. p.s If your husband is not willling to work with you and acknowledge what is going on...you have a bigger problem and it is not you SS.

You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been.

I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.