Hugs to you and i can totally understand where you are coming from. No , sadly your ss has nothing wrong with him and it is strong will. You know why i my gutt feeling tells me? Because you are describing my nephew. At my wedding, my husbands side of the family said and i quote ' here is Satan's child' ANd i didnt' take offense. He honestly is strong willed. Everything you have described is him. The biting , hitting, the bullying...he used to take toys and slam them on his own mothers head. I phoned one time and found her locked in the bathroom crying.They also had alot of tests done and nothign found. What he needs is extreme discipline. and it must come from a father figure. My brother would also spend very little time in the house. 15 hrs working..then of course he had to sleep so...barely home. Your husband MUST CHANGE HIS WORK HOURS TO ACCOMADATE HIS CHILD. It does get worse as they get older and his father must take the reigns now. Both of you have to work TOGETHER IN DISCIPLINE. Very important. My brother and his wife went to counciling and it took a long time to handle their son and it still takes alot of energy. The odd part is my nephew also has a caring side...that you would expect if you saw the first aspect of him. After several years , he is now cleaned....not a slob..barable to be around with ..still has a temper once in a while but its controllable. I think what also hit my nephew hard and what really changed him also was the death of his brother last year. It was awful. my sister in law was pregnant...and gave birth in the bathroom...his brother had passed in her arms..police..ambulance...needless to say i wont tell any further. But since then he's really calmed down... I know its hard. i know it willb etrying for you. But dont give up on this child. 1. go to counciling. 2. You husband must acknowledge the behaviour. 3. You and your husband must work together and be consistant and persistant in punishment and reward. 4. Have soem time away for yourself..for peace of mind and let your husband have a go at times...for him to witness. As well, he also is expressign that biomom is not there...so i think its a combinaation of strong will and realizing biomom not there. So feelings of resentment are bubbling. Another thing is...was mom a substance abuser? That maybe a piece of the puzzle. Good luck...keep us posted. p.s If your husband is not willling to work with you and acknowledge what is going on...you have a bigger problem and it is not you SS.

I have a card on my frig decorated with hearts and gingerbread men that my little 7 y/o neighbor's girl made for me. What all the "I love yous" on that card actually mean is, "Thank you for the Christmas present." After I read it, I hugged her and said, "I love you too sweetheart!" I also have an air compressor and after pumping up bicycle tires, little kids tell me, "I love you" all the time, and I respond the same way. They're really just demonstrating appreciation, and I'm graciously accepting. Of course I don't really "love" them, but so what? If I didn't respond "in kind" all it would accomplish would be to hurt their feelings, and why would I want to do that to them? From what you've described, I think your SS may be afraid of being abandoned and/or rejected and is seeking your reassurance. I don't think your reluctance to provide him with the reassurance he needs has anything to do with your desire to be "honest." Maybe the real reason you don't want to provide him with the reassurance he needs is because doing so would make you feel "disloyal" to your own child? That saying "I love you" to him would constitute a betrayal of the "bond" between you and your newborn?

Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.

I am not sure your stepson would consider tutors and counselors to be positive attention. I asked my son, who is also 20 and has executive function disorder, and he would not consider those things to constitute positive attention. He also pointed out that you can't just kick him out and expect him to magically become organized. My son said that if I were to kick him out right now, he wouldn't be able to find an apartment, support himself, and handle his finances, and your stepson sounds much worse off since he is distractible. I spend quite a lot of time helping my son organize his homework, his finances, and his life. He still needs a lot of help to organize his studying. He is improving as he gets older; his boss depends on him, he is never late to work, never skips class, and his younger siblings can depend upon him to get them to their activities. I don't, however, feel that I can or should focus more on his younger siblings - I just have to find time to focus on all of them concurrently. Raising a bunch of kids is just plain time consuming - especially when some of them are learning disabled. It's a lot harder though for those families with severely handicapped children who will never be able to live on their own. I doubt if he merely didn't "want" to do his homework. Kids with executive function disorder have difficulty with tasks that involve delayed gratification, and kids with ADD have even greater problems with homework. Have you considered helping him find a literary agent, since you said he is a writer?